21052013
This post is a continuation to:
Some SF left out for the sake of privacy.
Direct continuation to Day 238: Resisting self-reliance
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect X's company to make
me feel welcome, secure, safe and liked as I wish to repeat the
experience I had with him and the others earlier.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one person can
re-create an experience induced by an entire group.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am
looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle in others, not realizing
that I am the one who gifted myself with these pieces in the first
place when the enjoyable interaction with these people happened.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for
the enjoyable moment I had with others and instead believe and
perceive that the others gave me this experience, not realizing that
I made the experience fun and enjoyable by expressing mysef freely,
not being afraid of other people, being active and suggesting
activity for the group and by appreciating each person that was
present.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when this
experience faded as I did not realize that every experience will fade
eventually, not realizing that even though the experience faded me
and the others were still open, social and active with each other and
that this was very nice in itself even without the “high”
experience - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to then try and hold on to the experience by holding onto the
people that were present, mistaking them to be the cause of my
experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the cause
was myself all along and that I do not need to be afraid because I am
not going anywhere.
When and as I am enjoying the company of others - "having fun" - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself who is causing me to experience the enjoyment: me or the others. I pay attention to my application within the interaction and push myself to be self-honest about what is moving me. I realize that interaction between beings is, for me, not about who the others are but who I am with the others. I re-direct my application in the moment if necessary within and as the realization that I am "allowed" to change my direction within interaction if I so choose.
I commit myself to realize that all experience will fade.
--
Continuing with another point.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address what I
saw/guessed X's motivation/starting point to be, thus accepting and allowing his
self-abuse to continue (if this was in fact the case).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather play along with
another's self-abuse because it gave me the chance to play out one of
my favourite characters: “the savior” / “the goddess” / “the
Holy Mary” / “the healer”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “savior
character” through which I could feel needed, worthwhile, special,
superior, appreciated and accepted.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live as “the
savior” because I could boost my self-esteem through it, creating
myself the illusion that I was appreciated and worthwhile, when in
fact I have been replacing my self-acceptance and my sense of
self-worth with the appreciation of others (or the illusion thereof).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others by ignoring
their self-abuse, rather living as the savior character to “feed
off” on others for my self-interest.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “the
savior character” only serves my self-interest and does not
consider what's best for all.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even
though helping others is most necessary, “the savior character”
is not required for doing so.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go with “the
savior character” when another needs help instead of stopping,
breathing and actually assessing the situation to see what's really
necessary to be done – to see what the other needs instead of
serving my interests.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others to
figure out what they actually need when within “the savior
character” as I have already had a ready “helping pattern” to
live by – not realizing that this pattern does not consider the
actual person in front of me and might not serve his/her needs in any
way whatsoever.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when trying
to listen to another because I have actually just wanted to act out
my “helping patterns”, which consist of lines, advice,
suggestions, gestures and actions that I have defined as “helpful”
or “comforting”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to react
with gratitude to my “helping patterns” because I have used this
positive reaction as a validation of my worth and success - and I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
question this pattern because this reaction is what usually occurs in
others.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to
save another, not realizing that a person can only be saved by
themselves.
I commit myself to realize that the difference between helping others and "saving" others is that the goal of helping is to support and assist the other to become self-supported, whereas in "saving" others the goal is to have another be dependent on me.
I commit myself to let others carry responsibility for themselves and face the consequences of their actions and choices, supporting them to face their bullshit themselves but not carrying it for them, within and as the realization that "allowing" another to "take the blows" will enhance their growth (if they so choose).
I commit myself to stop feeding off on others' misfortune for my own elevation, when and as I interact with another in a supportive way, by stopping, breathing and asking myself what my starting point is. I ask myself if I am really listening to the other or not. I remind myself that how I see the person is not how he/she really is but just a perception, and that all of my suggestions for help are thus guesses as well. I remind myself that the healing process of another is not up to me but up to the other as the only one who can move anyone of us is ourselves.
I commit myself to realize I am worthwhile even if I didn't "save" anyone but myself.
I commit myself to focus on "saving" myself and to allow others to deal with their bullshit themselves, supporting and assisting others only in ways that do not compromise who I am.
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