Day 362: Energy from movement

02122013

silly dancing keeps you going!

I have been stuck for some weeks now after my first quarter semester at university is over and I have mainly had independent study work and very few lectures. The fact that I haven't “had to” get up and go someplace to study has had a stagnating effect on me, and my studying at home has been slow, painful and effortful. I have mostly been playing video games, focusing on my hobbies, cleaning up the apartment and socializing – all of them nice and enjoyable things, but done at the expense of my studies. Now I have a big exam and two major writing assignments due in only two weeks, and I still have plenty of work to do to complete them.

One major point pulling me down and making me feel tired and powerless has been the lack of exercise. Because I have had so much to do I have convinced myself that “I have no time to exercise”, when in fact all of my time goes to procrastination! If I'd take the time to go running for an hour and then attempt to do my work, I might actually be a lot more efficient.

I'm starting to see what a major point this is, because a couple of days ago I had a really physically active day at the theatre. We had a gig in the morning and another show in the evening, and so I was basically in motion all day, singing, speaking, dancing, expressing and connecting throughout the day. The effect of this was that I was really energetic the entire day, even when I got home – and the following day – and the day after that! Because when I had set myself in motion during that active day at the theatre it was a lot easier to keep myself moving even the following days, and keeping myself physically in motion (stretching, dancing, climbing, running, singing) has provided me with way more energy to actually do my study work as well as take care of my other pending responsibilities. When I am lying on the couch powerless and worn out it is easy to believe the excuse that “I'm too tired to move”, when in fact getting up from the couch would make me less tired.

Thus,

I commit myself to do yoga every morning, making the routine longer by adding a new move at least every week or two, with the goal of doing an hour of yoga every morning.

I commit myself to wake up early enough so that I will have time to do at least 15 minutes of yoga every morning.

I commit myself to make sure that I properly move each and every day to avoid falling back into stagnation, as I see, realize and understand that setting myself back into motion from the state of stagnation is an unnecessary “waste” of resources and can be avoided.

When and as I feel like moving myself is “too much” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that unless I am majorly injured this is not in fact true. I realize that I make the excuse “I am too tired” because moving myself out of my self-induced stagnation is uncomfortable and requires effort. I face the fact that I have in fact caused my own weariness and that the only way out of it is by my own actions. I look for the starting point of my stagnation and I forgive myself for how it was created. I then proceed to self-correction by moving myself breath by breath, motion by motion and assisting and supporting myself to set myself back into motion, no matter what kind.

Day 317: SF on Day 316: Loss of direction

17092013

I'm going through the video log from yesterday.

“my life is going well”

• what is “well”? What is my definition of a life that is “going well”?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that one's life is “going well” when one has something meaningful and enjoyable to do, here creating a separation between a “good” life and a “bad” life, thinking that the “bad” life without meaningful and enjoyable activities is not life worth living, not realizing that if one's life does become what I have defined as “not good” (“not going well”) it is a challenge one has brought upon oneself and that it is definitely worth living through – not getting stuck into – as this, too, is LIFE as life is in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that now that my life is “going well” (I have something meaningful and enjoyable to do) I should also feel happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there's “something missing” from my experience because even though my life is “going well” I don't have that feeling of happiness and euphoria, being uplifted and excited – not realizing that I base this expectation on previous experiences in my life where my life has felt “perfect” for a while as I have both had something enjoyable to do AND I have had that feeling of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the feeling of happiness is required for my life to be fulfilling, not realizing that happiness as a feeling is an outflow of who I have lived as before the happiness, that it is the polarity of the negative feelings I have felt before, and that happiness surfaces to balance out the negative in a cyclic manner when I live within the negative-positive emotional loop – and that therefore when I release that emotional cycle and no longer live within, as and according to it and instead live within and as stability, the positive feelings that I crave for (as opposed to the negative feelings that I resent) will cease to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for the feeling of happiness because I have defined it to be an indicator of when my life is “going well” and I don't have to worry about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what actually indicates that I am living as LIFE and self-expression, as a being one with and equal to this reality, is stability: not being thrown around by both positive and negative feelings and emotions.*

* Not to confuse this with self-suppression, where one would be denying one's feelings and emotions and refusing to express them: a non-emotional “steel mask”. Feelings and emotions are an indicator of who we are at the moment, and thus when and as they surface they can be channeled in a non-destructive way and then, as they are out in the open for oneself, investigated and forgiven and eventually released. Stability is where emotions and feelings do not direct you, and where you do not lose sight of yourself in the middle of emotional turmoil.

I commit myself to stop to investigate any experiences of dissatisfaction that surface in me by asking myself if there is an expectation that is not being fulfilled.

I commit myself to slow down to enjoy feeling like “nothing” (no emotional experience affecting my state of being) by exploring my world as from this state movement is most effortless – or at least my boundaries are easier to detect – which is a great opportunity to expand myself.

When and as I get dissatisfied with “feeling nothing” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I have defined a “satisfactory living” to be one where I am living within a positive emotional experience. I realize that the lack of a positive emotional experience is not a “bad thing” and that “feeling nothing” (not having a positive or a negative emotional experience) is an indicator of stability, no matter how momentary. I utilize self-forgiveness to release the dissatisfaction and I embrace the moment as described in the statement above.

--

“During [my travels] I made a lot of decisions to change my daily rhythm, my life style, and I've been living out those decisions, at least some of them. I'm still not working completely well with some of the points --.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself after I got home to get comfortable with not exercising as I no longer “had to” keep on moving every single day [when I traveled I carried a heavy rucksack with me and mostly walked around A LOT].

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards physical exercise because I “had to” do so much of it during my travels.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did not “have to” move as there was no outside force that would have actually made it compulsory for me to physically move myself, not wanting to carry responsibility for my decision to move physically (in theory I could have just staid still other than walking in and out of airplanes) as this decision caused me weariness and discomfort.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame “others” for “expecting me to move”, not realizing I was projecting my own demands and expectations for myself onto others so that I could avoid carrying responsibility for this self-expectation that wore me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this resistance during my travels by not allowing myself enough rest to compensate for the physical and mental strain that I went through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to my home because it offers me so much comfort – soft and clean places to sit and lie in, enough entertainment to last me for the rest of my life, fun activities and hobbies, good food that I have chosen to supply myself with – not realizing that by creating a desire to stay home and be as comfortable as possible I limit my life extensively as outside of my walls there is an entire world of people and places to explore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to narrow my physical comfort zone down to my apartment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out for walks without a destination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out to meet people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist exercising (full yoga routine, jogging, dancing).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist practicing violin and piano playing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist singing practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to my resistance and desire for comfort by giving up when I “don't feel like doing it”.

I commit myself to step by step work my way out of my comfort zone by not demanding everything of myself at once but utilizing the moments that I see to start out with something small from which I can expand through consistent practice.

• with yoga: do a little each morning before breakfast and grow the amount weekly
• with meeting friends: meet at least one friend a week other than in school or at work
• with outdoors exercise: have at least one aimless walking trip per one week
• with music: have at least one practice session per week, be it any instrument or form of music
• with singing: sing at least one song a day

I commit myself to have mercy on myself so that I will not demand too much of myself – yet, I commit myself to hold on to the list above as I see, realize and understand that doing at least this small amount per week/day will activate me.

I commit myself to make a timetable for these activities if necessary to support myself to actually push through the resistance and get moving.

Day 294: Dressing up

20082013

 Me in 1993 (?) and 2012 dressing up the best I can!

I was asked to be one of the judges in a children's singing contest and I agreed to go. The night before the event I was thinking of what to wear to the contest because I realized that these children will look at me as a role model: I would be appear to be in a position of authority, plus for all the small girls a young woman like me does show an example of a kind – and as it turned out, I was the only 20-something in the jury, which makes me the person there that the children most likely relate to, as everyone else was the age of their mothers.

So I thought to myself: I am giving these kids the model of a woman, the model of a grown-up, the model of a human being. What do I want to show them? Or in other words: If I wear this and this, who am I while wearing those clothes and do I want kids to see that?

I realized that in terms of clothing there were many bad choices I could have made. I thought about a really neat black dress with a business woman type of feel, and I realized that I would wear a dress like this to gain authority, to appear powerful, and I would thus set an example that women have to be intimidating and serious, or even man-like to be appreciated.

I concluded that I would wear colour, I would be feminine and that I would show kids that one doesn't have to be serious about clothing – that it's OK to play around with what you wear, because what you wear doesn't define you. With the clothes I wore I felt comfortable, light, mobile, girly and silly. I noticed that I was nervous/anxious about “setting an example” so I kept myself in breath throughout the contest, trying to keep myself as “me” as possible. It was a little challenging with so many eyes following my movements and drinking up everything.

After the show I received feedback not only about my clothing but also about how I carried myself: I had appeared “graceful like a movie star”. That comment showed me that it's the combination of wearing clothes as self-expression and the way you carry yourself within the clothing that creates your appearance – not just one or the other. Sometimes clothing becomes an armor behind which I like to hide, as if the clothes would make me “bigger” than I am (this is the case with the black dress), and I have to start paying more attention to what I wear and why, so that with every piece of clothing there would be no fear but only self-expression – and practicality, duh, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that with what I wear and why I set an example for the future generations on what the purpose and use of clothing is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of fear, I teach the future generations that clothing is used so that we may hide behind them and thus present an image of who we would like to be, believing our own fabric facade and hoping that everyone else buys into it too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of practicality I teach the future generations that clothing is used to help our bodies adjust to the conditions of our living environments and to assist and support us in our activities. (This is why I never wear jeans, lol)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of self-expression I teach the future generations that clothing is used to express ourselves to the world as who we are, not as our self-image, and that this can be fun, enjoyable, lively, not serious and non-personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I wear does not define me – that I could wear goth, hippie, business, farm, hobo, hollywood or prisoner clothes and remain the same within all of them – that I am not the costume I wear but the being within those clothes carrying those clothes and moving within their limits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I wear, morphing my posture and personality to “fit” the clothes I am wearing, not realizing that real life is not about theatre stereotypes and that I can in fact re-define the clothes and disassemble my image of what a person carrying them must be like by stopping, breathing and through the touch sensation feeling what the clothes are, testing their qualities, how they move, stretch, weigh and breathe and carrying them according to who I am / who I become through creation within and as breath as self-expression within these kinds of clothes.

I commit myself to pay attention to what I wear and why.

When and as I see myself thinking of wearing a piece of clothing out of fear – to present an image, to gain power, to be a character – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am not utilizing clothing for practicality and self-expression but for fear and hiding. I ask myself what I am trying to convey with the particular clothes and why. I realize it is not necessary for me to present a dishonest appearance in order to gain something. I forgive myself for the fear and I release it by facing it and breathing it out. I re-assess the situation I was dressing up for and I choose my clothes based on practicality and self-expression asking myself what I would actually want to convey in that situation without fear driving me.

I commit myself to explore clothing by slowing myself down when dressing up to actually feel the clothes on me and what their qualities and limits are, and to re-shape the clothes if it serves a purpose; I have scissors and a sewing machine, so better make use of them!

Day 236: A realization on breathing while in pain

18052013

Having a hangover while also going through menstruation pain is kind of an extreme torture experience. Deciding to go out into fresh air and walk a little actually helped, while sitting down and moaning in a stuffy hostel full of hungover people didn't. Also, the painkillers probably kicked in. It was interesting to face this experience within and as the realization that it will pass, not giving my thoughts control over me to make the experience seem worse than it is. I returned to breath and it helped a little, it cleared my head and helped me locate the pain / poisoning in my body. But breath wasn't enough in itself: being within breath was simply seeing what was necessary to be done, which I then had to get up and do. This kinda puts it into perspective, the function of breath: it itself will not do the work for me, but it is the knowledge, clarity and presence which is required before action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of physical discomfort/pain/sickness I am in, such as:

• “this pain is too much”
• “I will not survive this”
• “oh god holy fuck whoa this pain is intense”
• “the medicine is not working”
• “the medicine is not going to work anyway”
• “the medicine is not working fast enough”
• “come on medicine, work already!”
• “I feel so bad/sick/painful”
• “I am in pain”

- not realizing that by thinking about the pain my focus will only be in the experience of pain instead of in finding a solution/cure for the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that stopping and breathing is the first step towards a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when sick, in pain or otherwise not aligned with my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when breathing and focusing on my physical didn't take the pain away, returning to the mind by thinking “this is not working”, not realizing that self-aware breathing is not a magic trick that will fix everything for me, but a tool to return me to what is actually here from which I am going to have to actually move myself with conscious effort to get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the tool of breathing and physical self-awareness to solve my issues for me, not realizing that this tool is just for showing me the way which I'm then responsible to walk myself.

When and as I am in pain, sick or otherwise non-aligned with my physical body – I stop, I breathe and I locate the source of the non-alignement in my body. I then take the necessary action to solve, help or lighten the issue. I will not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of pain within and as the realization that then my focus will only be in the experience of pain and not in the solution with which the experience will permanently fade.

Days 225-226: Making traveling a "big deal"

05-06052013

In a week I'm leaving the country for 3 months and I now see myself making a big deal out of it. I imagine this to be some kind of a “major event” or a “turning point”, thinking “my life will be changed” and that “nothing's going to be the same” - and as I believe these thoughts I create fear because I feel like I am “losing” the life I have right now – which is kind of true and then again it isn't.

Life is in constant motion. I realize that nothing besides myself is permanent in my experience of it, and that every component of my life may change to another – and that this is OK because that's how life is. I realize that to get attached to the things I have in my life at the moment is to fear letting go of the things I have made myself dependent upon. I realize that to be truly stable I need to lay my foundation within myself so that no matter what happens around me I will be able to carry myself and keep on living. As long as I hold onto things out of fear I am not living fully as myself but living through others.

I am going through some changes in my life at the moment which I perceive to be “big” and “meaningful”. So this trip is just about “epic” enough to fit the story I script of my life within my mind. “Winds of change blowing” and so forth. I now see, realize and understand all this glorification to be bullshit, and I will allow it to continue no further.

I am going to spend a few months (12 weeks) in a different geographical location than what I am used to. If things go as planned, I will return here and keep on living my life on this support platform for now. While I travel I will keep on breathing, moving and learning – just as I do within my every day life no matter where I reside. Why would my breath be any different some place or another? It's the same oxygen, the same muscles, the same lung tissue; the same sun, the same water; the same life force behind all pairs of eyes; the same Earth beneath my feet. I will not be gone in some different reality. I will be here on this Earth – and I will be within myself just as I am right here.

These doubts and fears behind the glorification spring from the fact that I have made myself dependent on the people, places and materia that are here to support my usual daily living. There is a difference between supporting myself with something and relying completely on it. So here's now a lesson for me: realize how I have made my sense of security and stability reliant on the social (friends, family, co-workers, ethnic environment) and material (home, familiar places, belongings, assets) resources the purpose of which is to assist me – not to carry me for me – not to create my experience for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “make a big deal” out of this trip that I'm making by attaching it with values such as “life-changing”, “big”, “major”, “meaningful”, “crucial”, “turning point” and “epic”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this trip will “change me”, not realizing that I am the one who chooses to change and that no change of environment or circumstances alone will change me for me – I may utilize such changes for purposes of growth, but this requires my active participation and movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of leaving for the trip as I have believed I will be somehow “different” in different surroundings – here forgetting that no matter where I am, I can always return to breath and I will be “home” - I will always be able to find myself by returning to breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to visualize the upcoming three months as a blank gap in my future because I have no idea what the trip will be and become, creating a rift like the edge of a cliff beyond which I will “not be myself” because my surroundings are uncertain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself reliant on my surroundings by seeking for familiarity and constancy to create an illusion of stability and control when in fact that stability has been missing from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my surroundings are not me even though they make up the “walls” of my experience – the borders along which I experience life – here believing the experience my environment gives me to be who I am, not stopping to breathe and realize that I am not what's around me but what's within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the components that make up my living environment at the moment as I have believed these components to be my life, not realizing that my life is the choices, decisions and movements I make and not the environment I do this within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the components my life at the moment consists of to create stability for me by not changing – not realizing that I am abdicating my responsibility to become a self-supported, self-carried and self-cared human being who will not live as abuse by feeding off the skins of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as stagnation by not allowing the components of my life to freely move, change, morph and adapt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a “story of my life” within my mind by thinking of the things I do before, while and after I am doing them, verbalizing the happenings of my life into a story which I then colour up with meanings, symbols, codes, emphasis, emotions and values – not realizing that in reality there are no “big moments” or “small moments” because every breath is the same – every moment of existence is the same – the only differences come as imagined within our minds because in matter there is only movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify moments where things move faster than usual or change direction, believing these moments to be “more than” those moments where movement is relatively slower or not changing direction – not realizing it is all just movement and that all kinds of movement have their function.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize my life by thinking I am now living in a “big moment” so that I could feel good about myself as if I was doing something “great”, “meaningful” and “valuable” - not realizing that the only kind of value that matters is the movement that occurs in matter, not the drama that spins within my mind and leaves no trace on the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my friends, family and other social environment to be there to create my life experience and my stability for me and to expect them to remain the same so that I wouldn't have to develop activeness and stability within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the apartment I live in to create a sense of stability for me, afraid that once I leave my apartment I will not have any moments of peace and quiet – not realizing that this stability and security can be found no matter where I'm at, as I have already shown myself the last time I traveled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving the familiar houses, streets, forests, landscapes, traffic routes and facilities behind me as I have become dependent on my surroundings to create my experience of stability and security for me, not realizing that “knowing where everything is just in case” is to fearfully prepare myself survival mechanisms and escape routes as I have not relied on myself to figure out how to survive without previous knowledge of how things work and where everything is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not receive help from other people when I'm traveling, distrusting human kind to not have compassion and to act according to their prejudice and fear, not realizing that my approach to people affects their response to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that no matter my surroundings anywhere I go I am faced with LIFE and not some alien reality that is hostile by nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rely on myself to survive.

I commit myself to keep myself in breath aware of my inner and outer movements throughout this trip, and I commit myself to return myself to breath each and every time there are difficulties to avoid going into emotions, dramatizing and alienation.

I commit myself to rely on myself to be able to survive with common sense.

I commit myself to let go of these life surroundings with no regret nor remorse within and as the realization that I am not my surroundings, nor is my life.

I commit myself to be an active participant of life no matter where I go.