Day 237: Meetings and partings

19052013

Getting addicted to a sense of stability created by external factors apparently happens really easily and very fast. Without too much details, in a couple of days I got attached to a certain environment (people, location, activities) with such intensity that even though leaving it all behind to continue with my journey was at first relatively easy, I suddenly broke down and noticed myself to be utterly torn by it. I have now been writing to pull myself out of this experience.

I notice that here, “on the road”, especially when traveling alone, two things happen. Either I find myself “not connecting” with people because of my independent way of going around, or I completely latch onto others to create my experience for me when I do “connect”. The in-between where I'd connect but also be independent is here every now and then, but then I fall very easily by believing a thought for example. I think this is what has happened here.

A couple of days ago I “joined” a group of people whom I enjoyed very much. At first I did things out of my own activeness, having “joined in” from a stable position, but then stuff happened and I declined – things happened and I allowed myself to fall. I will now go through these events (partly in private SF) to see where I went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to spend an evening out with the expectation that it will be fun and that I will experience many energetic fun things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with joy and energeticness to my expectations/wishes/hopes being fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to spend a fun evening out with a bunch of people so that I could “feel alive” and escape my own company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the company of others to escape myself and my fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously “scan” my company in search of someone I could imprint on. [I actually noticed this habit this time, yet I didn't know how to deal with it and the program kept running.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself onto a person whom I “connected with” in a different way than with others, not realizing that this moment of “connection” was actually a moment where both really saw each other and faced each other with no fear, which is not something “special” or “more” as compared to the other people present but simply that which ought to be in between each and every being on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel entitled to the attention of the one I attached myself to because I perceived our moment of connection to be “special” and thus defined our relationship to be “special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my “certainty/independence character” with the positive energy I got from my expectations being fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inhibit my speech and suppress my experience because maintaining my “certainty character” required so, thus not fully expressing myself to a person I am not likely to meet or connect with again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create scenarios where I do meet the person again and “make things right” and thus believe that by living out this scenario I “fix” that which caused my experience of regret – not realizing that these scenarios do not address the behavioral patterns that led to these events and that by fixing one string of consequences I will still not have fixed the actual cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express to X how I actually experienced our meeting, our interaction and our parting; even though I mainly did, these emotional reactions indicate that there was something that I suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about probably not meeting X again, not realizing that in a world of billions of people it is not necessary or practical to attach oneself to others – we are not special, yet everyone is special in their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to elevate one person above others because I have perceived our relationship to be “special”, not realizing that when I elevate one I bring all others down and make them “less special”, within this not realizing that each and every being is of the same exact value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the “connection” I had with X to have been “special” because we were approximately of the same age group and cultural background which made it easier for us to relate to each other and thus faster to “connect” - not realizing that even though with others of different backgrounds finding this “connection” might be more difficult or time-consuming it is still of the same value than the fast one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will be insulted, hurt or become spiteful by the way we parted, not realizing that he was there, too, to create that interaction and that I am not the only one responsible of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the people, location and activities within which I momentarily felt very safe, welcome and embraced, thus reacting with sadness, distress, regret and panic when I realized that my environment had changed and would never return to what it had been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things more dramatic by i.e. thinking that something will "never happen again" - not realizing that even though a specific moment of life will never be repeated in its exact form, I cannot know what the future holds, who I will meet and what I will do - and that I am the co-creator of my future along with everyone else within this existence and am thus not helpless to just watch my life happening in front of me "never" or "always".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am the only constant building block of my life and that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to lay my sense of stability on others when I had the chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired in my constant challenge to be self-reliant and thus allow myself to fall when there has been a safe environment to rely on instead. [*This point needs to be expanded on.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver in my decision to let go of the familiar environment I had become fond of when I saw X's reaction to it, sympathizing with him and feeling bad for causing him to feel this way, yet suppressing this guilt, regret and fondness underneath the “certainty/independence character” and pushing forward with my decision without addressing these emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear strong and independent and thus suppress feelings and emotions that do not fit my definition of “strength” (which is pretty much all emotions and feelings).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for “fucking up” when I realized that I had suppressed myself and thus lived dishonestly and caused myself and another to feel really bad, not realizing that blame will not assist and support me to deal with the origins of this issue, nor will it help in sorting out its consequences.

Alright. I've got to now catch some sleep before I go climb a mountain. I am pretty sure I will keep on processing this point during my solitary hike, so I will most likely keep on writing about this tomorrow.