Days 170-171: Childhood dreams of fame

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A friend got an opportunity via his school to get into a situation where he competed with hundreds of others for a diploma in acting which is internationally accepted as a sign of qualification. He was one of the five people that were granted the diploma – out of a thousand applicants. In the final evaluation phase he had met a jury consisting of Hollywood's A-list movie directors.

Now, as I heard this I was very happy for him and proud of him. But as this feeling of “I'm so proud of him / happy for him” continued, I asked myself why I wanted to hold onto an experience of success that wasn't mine – I was living through another adopting his victory as mine through sympathy – and I realized that I was jealous for never having such an opportunity myself and feeling that I had “lost” something and was turning my back on stuff I really wanted.

I've had an intense and a nerve-wrecking period of a few months where I have been going through my relationship to theatre, the position/role of theatre in society, the function of theatre as a tool and what I would like to do with(in) theatre; what do I see to hold enough relevance to be “worthy” of my limited time and effort.

One thing I have especially had trouble with is my relationship towards the future dreams I have created for myself, because I am at war with everything I have programmed myself to strive towards. This has been good because I have had a chance to re-evaluate the choices I have made in my childhood and teens, but now I'm no longer able to tell head from tail as I have no idea whether I'm suppressing my ”true self” or simply facing the unavoidable resistance towards change.

When I was a teen all of my friends and family thought that I would become a famous and successful actor/singer and they encouraged me to do so. I disagreed. I told them I wanted to keep art as a hobby and do something else for a living (around that time I wanted to be a journalist). I remember already then feeling the dishonesty I spoke these words through – I just didn't have the tools nor the will to face it then – which means that I have suppressed my desire to be a famous and successful actor/singer ever since teenage, if not longer.

When I was a child (9-10) we had a “band” with my friends and we would dream about fame and glory. We never got any music done even though I composed songs, because we didn't really know how to play, and so all we ever did was dream and fantasize. So back the I was not yet ashamed of my desire to be famous/successful.

I have memories of situations where I have learned what amounts of work becoming famous would actually require, not to mention money and luck, and I remember seeing myself “unable” to do all this work. For example, I was watching an artist perform on stage in the TV (Britney Spears on one of her world tours) and my mother told me that in order to dance and sing like that simultaneously I would really need to exercise more. This was her way of trying to motivate me to exercise, which I was really reluctant to do – and instead of deciding “So that's what it takes? Yes, I'll do it!” I thought that it was too much effort, that I could not do it, and that I would thus have to give up on my dreams.

So as I have suppressed this desire with the belief that being a pro would be too demanding – that “I don't have what it takes” - now that I have shown myself that I am actually capable of the hard work (as it is but simple acts of consistency) the desire re-surfaces because now I see that “I do have what it takes”. As I have suppressed it for years and years the accumulation makes it more and more intense and all the more difficult to face without plunging head-first into the desire and going along with the current.

11032013

As I am now here the experience of the desire has faded and I see that it was in fact not real. It only appears every now and then and when it does I participate in it fully – when the desire is triggered (usually through jealousy) I instantly cross over some threshold of acceptance and allowance. I haven't yet seen how exactly this happens.

There's a lot more to deal with in my relationship towards theatre and I have laid out an outline of specific questions I need to answer to myself. I will share the process thereof. Now I will focus on what I have written here about dreams, self-image and future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to create a future image of myself based on the idols I admired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to decide what/who I will be in the future as it was encouraged to find a “calling” for oneself (a profession, a passion, a career) – not realizing that once I have already decided what/who I will be in some future moment I will no longer be here participating in each and every moment of breath preceding that future moment, not making decisions based on that which is HERE but blindly aiming to a goal that I set based on things I had only seen others do but which I had never done myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to admire the artists I listened to on CD's, watched in the TV and saw in magazines because I believed my interpretation of what their lives were like which I made based on what the media told me – not realizing that this was never the full story of the lives these people actually lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to perceive and believe that the artists I admired lived a life of glamour, fun, enjoyment and “being loved” because this is how I interpreted what was shown of their lives in the media – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to have this kind of a life for myself because I perceived myself to lack all of that which made their lives so wonderful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to create a desire to be famous because I perceived and believed that famous people were accepted, appreciated, admired and loved and saw myself to lack all this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the perception that I am not accepted, appreciated, admired or “loved” as I have held onto the desire to be famous so that I could reach all this – not realizing that all the acceptance I need is right HERE within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to perceive and believe that I was not “loved” for who I was. [How this came about, I don't know – but I think this has been a fundamental point in all of my early childhood development that has contributed to my personality creation process.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to become “more” than who I am (who I perceive myself to be) to gain/win acceptance from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan out my future in my childhood and teenage years and to follow this plan unquestioned in my adult life as I have believed that this is my “path” as my “calling” which I need to follow to fulfill my “purpose” - not realizing that I am living out a story in which I play the lead and NOT actually living a life in the physical as breath where my every move isn't dictated by what I have decided years and years in the past but where my movement is decided and directed HERE based on that which is here now and not based on that which was in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the beautiful lie that everyone has a path set out for them to follow in life, not realizing that living according to this belief limits one from seeing all the numerous possibilities present in each and every moment as one only sees the possibilities that serve the story one is living as “the path”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am limited to the skills I gathered as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the skills I have gathered as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only the skills gathered as a child have any relevance because they have been learned during a period of time when learning new skills is fast, efficient and effortless – not realizing that even though learning gets slower and more difficult as one ages the skills learned with more strain and effort are of relevance as well because they are what's here now as one is able to re-create oneself for as long as one is alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that because I learned to sing, dance and act at an early age these are the primary skills I should devote my time, effort and passion to because I have learned them during a time when I defined and refined my self-image to fit into the society in which people live as stories within their minds instead of as physical beings with a mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to want to be a celebrity because they got to perform for large audiences, wear fun clothes, travel around the world, pose for photographs and do all the fun singing and dancing that I too enjoyed and get money for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the artists I admired were living a life of fun at the expense of others as I did not see the big picture of why there are celebrities, what they represent, what their function in the world system is and how all of that show is funded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the position of celebrities as those who “get to” have fun all the time (or at least present a life of fun) as opposed to those who have “normal” lives as I did not see the separation and inequality here because of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be famous for the sake of being famous without taking into consideration what the disempowering consequences are of having a world system where a chosen few are elevated for others to admire (to compare themselves to) within the thoughts “I could never do that” / “they must be something special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the elitism in being entitled to a profession that serves no concrete purpose but only that of self-interest and “inspiring others” to do the concrete stuff so that I wouldn't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that those who have certain skills are entitled to a profession of self-interest as I have been at the winning end of this deal as I have been lucky enough to gather these skills in my childhood.

I commit myself to create my future based on that which is HERE as I see, realize and understand that everything in this reality is in constant flux and that thus everything that is not here (but instead in the past/future) is not a valid basis for decisions as they do not in fact exist anymore/yet.

I commit myself to expand my skills and consequently myself by taking on new challenges outside of my comfort zone as well as refining the skills I already have, as I see, realize and understand that there are no limits to how much a person can do and learn other than those of practical reasons (such as time and aging).

I commit myself to realize that fame in itself has no other value than that of practical value – when one is widely known one is widely heard and seen, and this is a position of great responsibility not to be abused.

Days 156-157: I want to be an actor - part 2

24-25022013

2012

This post is a continuation to:

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.

“It would be so awesome to be a pro”

The idealized image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance, validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have trained myself in the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the path I lay out before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me, when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be involved with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism, arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual world where actual work is to be done.

“I can't let my talent go to waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked with and seen at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception of others and how I compare to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition – in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could elevate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I compared myself to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones” who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur (uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the professional field from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in” perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have so much to give”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from others relied on my talents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking myself why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant / destined to be famous”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality) was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and disempowering the masses through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no actual practical purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply through self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many people as possible could see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest (elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited and utilized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it can be used for both constructing and destroying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use them for something constructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so, but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.

I commit myself to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big scale will come about when/if it is necessary.

I commit myself to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will always consider that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world would then change.

I commit myself to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I will need to be aware of my breath all the time.

I commit myself to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself about this.

I commit myself to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression, play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in myself and my own actions and processes.

I commit myself to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a mirror and to explore myself with.

I commit myself to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the society and to re-create it time and time again.

I commit myself to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and direct myself to whichever direction I choose.

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

21-23022013

2010

Every now and then these days when I act in theatre (acting here meaning the work of an actor as movement, speech, song, dance, voice, interaction, and other kinds of expressive physical and emotional things) I return to that feeling where I desire to act professionally. This usually occurs either when I am enjoying myself especially much when acting, or when I step outside of myself to observe my doings through the eyes of an outsider and see myself to be “good” at what I'm doing: fluent, certain, creative, flexible.

Now, I have made a decision to not apply for theatre schools for the time being and instead approach life and work through a profession that would concretely and directly affect the world we live in, not just inspire others to do that for me. This decision falters every time this longing to be a professional actor arises, and it means I have not made this decision from a clear starting point. It's time to go through this now as I am applying to university and all this wavering will influence my motivation and ability to study for the entrance exams.

It is commonly known and said in the theatre field that to be an actor one has to be both an exhibitionist and an egoist – in other words, everyone wanting to be actor is already both to some extent. I will begin by going through these points.

Exhibitionism - “come watch me express myself!”

This is a point I realized some time ago when I got disappointed again when some friend or a family member didn't come see a play I was acting in. I realized that whenever I ask for a person to come see me on stage I am asking them to come and see me express myself freely because I don't do that off-stage, and that therefore this is a “rare occasion” to see me express myself a certain way. This indicates both my unwillingness and disability to freely express myself in all situations in all possible ways and shows the extent to which I have defined the stage to be a “special place” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my wish to show myself as I really am in the full scope of human expression to create a “special place” where I could do that within an illusion of safety instead of just living as self-expression unconditionally no matter where I am and who I'm with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child when I limited my self-expression due to bullying to define the stage of our theatre into a “safe place” because there I was able to push through my resistances (to a certain extent*), misinterpreting this to mean I could only express myself on stage – not realizing I was the one accepting and allowing myself to push through and show myself - not “the magic” of the stage, the group, the director or the situation – because in fact I am the one who moved myself.

* There are taboos in theatre as well – ways of expressing oneself that are/were prohibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do theatre to express myself in the full scope of human expression because there are no ways to do that in “real life” that would be socially acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which is “socially acceptable” is based on a social agreement which I have not been there to create even though I have upheld it with my own actions, and that because this is an agreement I do not agree with there is in fact no agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a social agreement ceases to exist in my part when I stop participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping participation in social agreements that prohibit expressing myself in the full scope of human expression because I have been afraid of judgement, isolation and misunderstandings / conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge who I am as who I am living as at the moment as manifested in my self-expression, not realizing that the judgement of others only has effect on me when I turn it into self-judgement, which is something I have full directive power over, and that to fear my self-judgement is thus to state that I am unable to direct myself – which is not true, as I have shown myself that I am in fact able to stop, face, re-direct and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will isolate me and deny me access to life's resources if I stop my participation in the social agreements that prohibit my self-expression (and that of others) because this is a world/reality/society that functions on relationships where everyone is dependent on each other and in which, if one is left to survive by oneself, it is impossible to survive in without others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied access to life's resources (relationships, work, food, housing) because that would mean I would not survive, in other words, I would die because someone reacted to who I was and believed their reaction – not realizing that if for some reason I'd have to choose between self-compromise and death, which we all face eventually anyway, the choice would be self-expression as well – I'd die honest or live a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will misunderstand me if I choose to not participate in the social agreements that limit our self-expression and that this will lead to conflict, not realizing that in between my expression, the other's choice to misunderstand and a resulting conflict is an infinite number of moments where the situation can be faced, addressed, directed and lived into a solution.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to “handle” solving misunderstandings or conflict as I have not realized that a misunderstanding/conflict can be solved simply by clearing my starting point (how did I cause this situation?) and then approaching with straightforward communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others to come see me as I am on stage, thinking “I wish someone would see the real me”, not realizing I am abdicating my responsibility to live as the real me and instead I'm dumping the responsibility on others to go through extra effort to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is others' responsibility to dig out my “real self” when in fact only I can reveal myself, as even when another “digs me out” I am the one who accepts and allows myself to reveal myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as I have held on to the excuse/justification that if I expose myself I make myself vulnerable to attacks, not realizing that as I stand fully within and as myself uncompromised there are no attacks that could “catch me off guard” as I am fully aware of everything I live as – and that if an attack does catch me “off guard” it is a welcome reminder of a point I have not faced and should thus not be feared but embraced.

Egoism – expecting praise and attention

In theatre it's all about ME in the spotlight, ME being talented, ME shining, ME being better than anyone else. I secretly expect praise and special attention because at some point of my acting years others started to give me feedback that stated I was somehow “exceptional”, and I totally bought into this as a child/teenager wallowing in self-diminishment. Someone wants to elevate me? Bring it on!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show off myself in theatre at the expense of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “the best one” as compared to other actors, in other words, to “win” over everyone else and thus validate my self-worth, as I believed that my skill/talent and admirability are the measure of my worth and the ones watching me (in this case the audience) the measurers and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret the encouragement and feedback I received in theatre by filtering it through my fears and desires and using it to enhance my fears and desires even further as the stakes grew as I exposed myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback I received in theatre to create a self-image where I was “good at something”, believing I was dependent on that trait to receive acceptance / positive attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be “good at acting” because it would validate my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail at acting because that would destroy my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child, when I was depressed and thought I am not good enough in anything, to hold on to practicing the skills/talents that I received positive feedback / attention from (singing and acting) because in terms of “being loved” they were most rewarding.*

*Not the only reason I kept doing these as I also enjoyed the act of expression itself, but a secret one that lay underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react positively to my performance on stage because this is what has usually happened and I have built a self-image based on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive attention when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to show admiration when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive comments, remarks, notes and feedback regarding my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another gives me critique about my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take a defensive stance when another gives me constructive feedback about what was actually here, and to cover up my defensiveness by adopting the character that “receives critique well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another shows me their appreciation for what I did on stage, they are expressing their experience of what happened, which is usually loaded with emotions and feelings, and that if their feedback concerns this subjective experience of theirs it is nothing I can take credit for. [For example, if another says “I was so moved by X”, it is not a statement that the action X was in fact “moving” but that the person experienced it as such.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I receive positive/negative feedback from the audience, not realizing their feedback mostly reflects their personal experience of what they saw.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “the kind of person” who is able to take critique when in fact I have reacted, defended and pretended every time this has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and try to defend myself from critique because it poses a threat to my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take critique personally, not realizing that at least some of it is an expression of how this person experienced what he/she saw, which is nothing I can take credit for – and that if another gives me constructive feedback on what I do and how to refine my skills it is something to embrace and welcome and test out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to critique which I have perceived to have been said out of jealousy, spite and bitterness, thinking “they're saying this to bully me”, not realizing that I am reacting because I see myself to be inferior to the other and then blaming the other for my experience - “I feel bad because you are jealous/spiteful/bitter” - abdicating my responsibility over my own experience of inferiority in the setting of bullying.

I will continue with more thought dimensions in the next part.