Day 231: Departure

11052013

I described to a friend the horror of going on a trip like watching a train heading at you: the waiting is full of anticipation and it feels like the moment of impact is never going to come – but once the impact does happen it's no big deal, it doesn't feel like something major just happened.

I am now traveling and I don't feel any different. There has been days, weeks and months of preparation and anticipation plus a last-minute rush – and now that I am here, there is nothing, no major feeling of “being alive” or “freedom” or “adventuring” - I am simply here, directing myself within my surroundings and circumstances. I knew how it would be so I was not expecting it to feel “big”, although there is a relief that all the hurry is now over. It will just be replaced with different kind of activity.

In reality there was a practical threshold of getting certain stuff done within a certain time period so that I was able to depart, but imagining there to be some kind of a “magic border” beyond which I and the reality would be “different” is simply not real. I am me, I breathe just the same as I did two days ago – and the reality is the same as it was before I got here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reality does not consist of “phases”, “chapters” and “stories” even though the human mind conceives and dissects it so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus forget that life is a constant continuum of breath in which each and every breath is equal, and that thus giving some periods of life more value or emphasis than others is to create and believe “meanings” (connections in the mind/brain) that do not actually exist in the physical reality if not as the consequences of the actions I commit in the name of these beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a threshold/border/line beyond which living would feel different and I would feel different, not realizing that even though this threshold is determined by the physical reality (requirements of time and matter) it does not mean it's real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person can change oneself by changing one's surroundings, not realizing that change requires one to accept and allow change within oneself and that this cannot be replaced by external change although external change may support internal change.

The most noticeable change I have seen in myself after my entrance exams and since I left home is that I allow myself to lay back without becoming limp – I have feared letting myself just be because I have feared it would lead to laziness, passiveness and ignorance. I now see it is not relevant to worry over this, because I can trust myself to be self-honest about my living. During this spring it's like there's been this nagging voice in my head passing guilt all over me which has driven me to do things. Now there is no guilt moving me, just necessity. This is important to notice because it is essential that I find such a way of working that doesn't consume me. I can see that during my latest work spree I was still partly motivated by guilt, and this is not a constructive starting point for work. If I now find myself moved by necessity – why not while working? I guess stress plays a major part here because within stress the work load looks “bigger” and thus “impossible” which replaces common sensical necessity with fear, self-judgement and guilt (“I have to get this done”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself to work through guilt instead of realizing that all living is about necessity – what is necessary to be done to direct myself to the direction I have chosen – not trusting necessity to be obvious to me if I simply stop and breathe and instead writing a motivation script in my mind (“I do X because of Y”) so that I would not become immobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that trusting myself to see necessity without the mind would result with me being passive and not doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming passive and immobile as I have feared not being “worthy of life” and that I would then be a disgrace to all life on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my self-trust will backfire, not realizing that I am the one to decide whether or not I live up to my trust and that to doubt myself is to give in to helplessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is necessary to motivate myself with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is necessary to motivate myself with emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a motivation that is based on what is actually here is most efficient, because it directly addresses actual needs and thus comes up with direct solutions.

I commit myself to investigate my activity levels and participation in life during this trip when I don't “have to” do anything at all on top of surviving in order to find and stabilize myself into a state of being from which it would be constructive to work and be a functioning member of my society.

I commit myself to practice breathing by returning myself to breath whenever I fall out of it as I see, realize and understand that the state where I live as breath is the closest I'll get to my “true self”.