[Today I opened up a point in private writings, here's some excerpt and SF on it.]
[Here I'm speaking mostly from the perspective of childhood experiences.]
Rejection. My romantic interests have
rejected me ever since the first one. There have been few mutual
ones, and some that I haven't responded to. I have built up this hope
and this positive experience of another, positive view of another,
expectations of the other being the most wonderful person ever, and
when I have been denied access to this I have blamed myself for it –
I have not been good enough. And it has been like all of my
foundation has been crumbled away: I have laid out myself on the
image of another person, a person I have not even known, thinking of
this image as the “earth beneath my feet” because the energy
charge of this has been so strong that it has helped me survive my
daily adversities of being bullied, isolated and self-abused. So
“having a romantic interest” has been an addiction to me, a drug
to keep me going, something with which to replace self-support.
Romantic interests and the related fantasies have been my “rosy
glasses”, my distraction, my escape from the actual issues haunting
me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get addicted to the energy I have received from
having a romantic interest, as I have used this energy to fuel me in
my daily living which was consuming to me because of all the
adversity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to choose one person among a selection of suitable
people (usually being physically available within my daily living and
being approximately in my age group has been enough) according to the
energetic reaction I have had towards this person on first encounter
(“first impression”) as related to others available, choosing the
one towards which my reaction was most overwhelming and most positive
– then placing this person in a “special position” where I
would start building fantasies and scenarios around this person
according to the model my world had presented me (through movies,
fairytales, books, media, celebrities), building up expectations,
hopes and desires that these scenarios would come true so that I
could release the anticipation and experience all the energy I had
been promised, thus also creating fear that this person would no
longer “be available” and that he would be “stolen” from me
by someone “better” than me, fearing that all the scenarios and
hopes and desires and plans I had invested in would collapse, because
I would then collapse as the hole within me that I ignored with all
this is still there, waiting to be noticed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to build fantasies and scenarios of “security”
and “safety” around this one selected person because I did not
feel safe or secure within my world and within myself and instead of
looking at myself for the cause and remedy searched for a “quick
fix” from outside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to repeat this scenario time and time again
without realizing that the problem is within me, that it is not about
“having the wrong person” or me being “not good enough” - it
is this desire to have a romantic interest that is causing me trouble
because I have been clearly unable to live without one as I have
always latched myself onto another after the last attempt has
“failed”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, as I have not felt secure, safe or stable within
my living, to search for security, safety and stability from other
people instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my “lack”
is due to my immaturity as a human being which is the result of me
growing up in a world that is immature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to seek for the elements that I lack due to an
imbalanced childhood from others, not realizing that it is not
another's responsibility to give me what I lack so that I could live
as a seemingly complete, yet actually incomplete being for the rest
of my days.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that it is my responsibility to
grow back my “missing limbs”, because when given by others it is
but a “wooden leg” the giving of which consumes the other, and
that me growing out of my own immaturity is the only known option that
considers the best of all, not just my self-interest.
This leaves me with the question: why
do I feel insecure, unstable and unsafe? Knowing the basics of
developmental psychology, I'd say something in my process of growing
up has been disturbed as a child – but when and how? This may have
something to do with my relationship to my father. During my
childhood he was “never there” because he was always working, and
when he was actually present it was be uncertain whether he would be
stressed and tired or really happy and cheerful – so I could never
really trust him to “always be there for me” because sometimes he
was obviously too tired to put up with my child-existence, and even
though he tried to cover this up I of course noticed. So maybe I'm
looking for that stability, that reliability that was never there
from other men, trying to find the stability that I was supposed to
learn from my father/parents but never did. Children learn by
mimicking: I was never shown stability, safety, certainty, security
in terms of a being's “inner balance”. Thus I did not learn this
as a child, when all I had to mimic was unreliable emotional
expression and self-abuse.
So, right. Whatever it has been, I have
picked this all up as a child when I have actually been helpless
about my life. What I didn't pick up when it would have been easy,
I'm going to have to practice now when it's difficult, and that can
only happen through consistent practicing: stopping the pattern,
questioning it, not living according to it, directing myself
otherwise. Moment after moment after moment. Walking myself out of
this mess is not going to be easy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be consistent about stopping the related
mind-patterns [which I opened up in private writings] as I have not
realized that walking myself out of a dependency / addiction is the
most difficult thing I will ever do because I resist it with all of
my mind, and that it thus requires all of my effort to sort it out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop these patterns every time they occur
and instead allow them to run for a while and only notice and stop
them until they accumulate enough fear/desire within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be lazy about my writings as I have not been
specific enough to actually assist and support me to overcome these
mind-patterns.
I commit myself to map out these
mind-patterns in full detail so that I can flag them and actually
notice and immediately stop them when and as they occur.
I commit myself to no longer follow
these mind patterns because I see, realize and understand that they
will only lead to fear and/or desire and that I will end up looping
in-between these polarities – neither one of which is based on
reality.
I commit myself to write about the
self-suppression related to this point. [Not mentioned here.]
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