26-28052013
I was recently in a relationship to
another person in a way that involved physical intimacy. When our
ways parted I noticed that after the “high” I had got from the
touch contact faded I experienced myself to be “missing something”
- as if something had been lost. I later realized that I had made my
sense of stability, which has been quite fragile now that I've been
traveling, dependent on the comfort I had experienced within the
touch contact.
Later on came more specific
experiences. I was sitting in a train after having just landed to
Japan and I had my big rucksack in front of me. I leaned on the
rucksack and wrapped my hands around it, and I suddenly felt sadness
because I associated the hug with the rucksack with the touch I had
had with this other person. One other point I noticed was within a
moment where I remembered to breathe with all of my lungs after a
while of not breathing, and I felt again sadness because I associated
this deep breathing with how I breathed while I was in touch contact
with the other person.
So within a short interaction with
another (a few days) I connected these physical acts of self-support
(breathing and hugging) to the other in my mind, when in fact the
support I received from them had nothing to do with the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget myself when I touch another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to focus on the experience of being touched
instead of focusing on the act of touching another as
self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that the act of touching another as
self-expression is dependent on the other – that I cannot express
myself in this way if the other is not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that me receiving touch is dependent on
others as I have not realized that I am able to induce a similar
experience of touch by myself – and that this implies that touch
for me is, then, not about the physical act of touching but about
something else, something “bigger”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that for me touch with others is a
way to induce an experience of stability, security and comfort – a
replacement of actual stability, security and comfort within and as
myself – and that I search for this experience with others over and
over again because the previous experience always fades and leaves a
“void” that I desire to fill.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only
way to make stability, security and comfort a constant part of my
living is to build them into myself – I could also attach myself to
something external, like another person, and make sure with all means
possible that this external object does not disappear from this
existence before I do, but this would make my life subject to
constant gambling and this I will not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that to be
reliant on others to give me the experience of stability, security
and comfort is to live as inequality as I refuse to acknowledge
myself to have the same responsibility over myself as others do over
themselves and believe that it is another's “duty” to take care
of me on top of them taking care of themselves even though I am
perfectly able to carry myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to utilize touch for fulfilling my needs and
desires, only taking and never giving, instead of using it as a tool
of self-expression and communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by believing and
perceiving that the sense of comfort I receive from touch comes from
outside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of comfort –
enjoying my physical body and existence – is in fact created by me
and not by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire for others to touch me as I have not
realized that the experience I seek for in touch is a replacement of
what I am missing in myself on a fundamental level – and that I do
not need to seek for this from others because I can build it into my
foundation from where it will not fade as experience does.
I commit myself to explore touch with
myself and with others from the starting point of focusing on myself
within and as the realization that touch is self-expression – not a
show, a scene or a story – just me being HERE within and as breath
as movement and action.
As I now see, realize and understand
that the only non-abusive way to be stable, secure and comfortable in
this life – the way that is “best for all” - is to build this
into myself and not seek it from others, I commit myself to not
accept and allow myself to depend on others to be my stability points
and “anchors”. When and as I see myself living as my patterns of
dependency (losing focus from myself into the other, following the
other instead of being self-directed, not being aware of my
experience, allowing my desire to be with the other to move me, etc.)
I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living out a behavioral pattern
I have created earlier in my life when I have not had the tools to
support myself. I realize that I do not have to live according to
this pattern and that I can decide to move myself into a different
direction. I breathe and I investigate the point at hand to see and
forgive its origin, and I physically move myself out of the pattern
by being aware of what was moving me before and by making sure that I
now move self-directed. I realize that this act of becoming
self-aware and self-directed is what eventually becomes stability and
security within me as I will be able to actually rely on myself.
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