Days 374-375: A neurotic bitch: fixing others' mistakes in secret

05-07012014

My partner pointed out a behavioral pattern of mine that I had not paid attention to before, and as I was processing it I also noticed that I do it at my workplace. It's when I notice somebody making a mistake or doing something “wrong” from my perspective, and instead of directly talking about it with the person I try to quietly correct it on my own. When me and my partner were discussing this I said that the reason I do this is because “I don't want to be bitchy”. So basically I realize that “my way” of doing things might as well be wrong, and so I don't want people to believe that I'd believe my viewpoint to be the only right option (arrogance). I realize that this pattern is for me to avoid conflict and uphold an equilibrium of sorts, which of course doesn't work because mostly people notice that I'm correcting the stuff they did “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that speaking out my opinion might be seen as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to me speaking out my opinion and giving feedback even though my intention is not to mock but to organize things in the most beneficial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my perspective on how things could be organized in the best way possible, thus being afraid of bringing my viewpoint into discussion so that we could all together come up with a solution to how things should be organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will criticize me for bringing up points where others could improve or change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a backlash of blame and resentment from people when and as I bring my perspective into discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dissatisfaction, irritation and worry when and as I see that something has been done in a way that I perceive to not be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give feedback to others from within the dissatisfaction, irritation and worry, thus actually attacking others by superimposing my viewpoint and thus giving others an incentive to counter-react with defensive behavior, such as blaming me and thinking of me as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear of others attacking me when I give feedback, by giving feedback from an unclear starting point, basically blaming others for my discomfort, and thus creating situations where others attack me to defend themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear myself.

I see X -> I perceive X to be “wrong” -> I react to X and want to fix it -> I look for the cause for X -> I choose a target (Y) and believe them to be the cause for X -> I believe Y to be the cause of my reaction, not realizing that the cause for my reaction is ME and not Y even though the cause for X is Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my way of doing things is the right way of doing things, not realizing that even though I have carefully assessed all the perspectives I have recognized, there may be viewpoints that I have not realized to take into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual solutions for how things can be done in a way that is the best for all can only be achieved through a discourse between all participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to find actual solutions I need to discuss the issues with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fix things “my way” without notifying others, thus hoping that nobody would notice that I am behaving “neurotic” and “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to solve things by thinking that I am “neurotic” and “bitchy”, not realizing that the issue is NOT my will to implement solutions but the fact that I do not discuss this with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others feedback as I have feared that they will take it personally and believe their reaction to be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if others would blame me for their reaction to my feedback, it doesn't make my feedback invalid - quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reactions of others as they are – manifestations of who they are at the moment – and that I have instead taken them personally and defined myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the solution to my habit of reacting to others' mistakes is to fix things in secret. (When I put it that way I'm starting to see how ridiculous this is, lol. Ingredients for a comedy film!)

I commit myself to no longer fix others' mistakes “in secret” by not addressing the mistake in any way and hoping no one will notice.

When and as I perceive someone to be making a mistake, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all reactions. I remind myself that I am reacting to something I have labeled as “wrong” - something that I do not want in my reality – and that by rejecting a part of this reality I incapacitate myself from acting within it. I remind myself that my conception of “right” and “wrong” (what is best for all) might be flawed and that the only way to expand my conception is to discuss it with others.

Thus, I commit myself to bring up the mistake in discussion with the people involved to reach a shared understanding on what the best course of action would be.

• For further support, some phrases I can start the discussion with: “I see you're [doing X]. How did you learn to do it like this? Have you considered [perspective Y]?”

Days 334-335: Giving feedback to a friend

14, 16102013

Am I being too soft by not being aggressive and critical with the feedback I give my friends?

When I interact with people and notice something I should point out, I am balancing out between being too harsh and too kind on people. The model I have picked up on giving out constructive criticism has been a fairly aggressive and reactive one, and I realize that this is not the best possible way to approach people, because within it I ignore my own reactiveness and blame the other for “not knowing” (making me react). Within this model I also assume the worst of everyone and believe my assumptions without question. Acting from within this model has caused a lot of conflict and friction to occur, and the discussion hasn't really advanced because everyone has been raging at each other.

I have reflected upon the buddhist principle of not saying things that are hurtful to others. I have not been fond of this principle because to meet it seems to encourage people to tip-toe around each other's issues and allow them to live out their shitty patterns – I have seen cowardice in this guideline. It has bothered me throughout the years though, and I have returned to think about it every now and then.

What I have come to realize that the principle does not have to be understood and applied this way. What I see in it is a suggestion to not try and aggravate people – not to provoke – but to instead try to say things in such a way that would be comprehendible to others.

There's been a gradual change in my approach and today I came to think of it when I had a discussion with a friend. She told me about some things that were bothering her in her life – things that are usually considered highly immoral – and I told her my perspective on it. After this she told me that everyone she had talked to about this before had gotten really angry at her and told her that what she is doing is “absolutely wrong”. I only then realized that I hadn't reacted to the information she shared with me in such a way (even though the reaction of “woe the immorality” was there) and that my starting point was not that of aggressive-defensive reactiveness as it had apparently been with her other friends – and I thought to myself: am I being too soft? Should I have told her she is doing “wrong” things? Should I have been more assertive?

I think that my approach may have even helped her, because how I put my words didn't make her flip out. I was honest and direct, but I wasn't accusative. And that may have helped in getting the message across. Making people feel safe may be pretty essential in interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's description of her actions by thinking “whoa, that's not OK”, not realizing that whatever I consider to be “right” or “wrong” is a subjective standard, no matter how much it benefits the well-being of all life from my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on my standards of “good living”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another without consideration for why she has done the things she has done, not realizing that her mistakes may have been done out of ignorance (not knowing) instead of negligence (not wanting to).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend to be “immoral” because the story she told me reinforced the mental image I had of her – not realizing that the reality is not black-and-white like that and that she is not doing these things out of malice (at least not yet, as far as I can tell).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friend to be “immoral”, “flighty”, “dependent” and “messed up” based on my first impression of her, not realizing that I first met her years ago when her life was much more of a mess than it is right now, and that it is unfair towards her and myself to only see her as a two-dimensional stereotype that is based on her past and mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my friend a chance to show me / myself a chance to see who she is NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to what my friend told me because I believe and perceive I would not be able to do the things she does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my friend's actions because if I was faced with similar situations I would freeze with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fear on my friend by accusing her of being “immoral” (even though this accusation was just a passing thought that never carried onto actions), thus reinforcing the behavioral pattern of labeling all the things I have limited from myself as “bad”/”wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “moralize” others by blaming my own limitations on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my limitations by labeling them “bad”/”wrong” - believing I shouldn't have been able to do them anyway because they're “forbidden”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I had explained my point of view to my friend, thinking I should be discussing and giving feedback “more like the others”, not realizing that reacting with aggression and blaming it on the other through anger, pity, cruelty or putting her down would not assist and support her in understanding what I'm trying to say and would only alienate her as I would be acting through self-interest – and that there is thus no reason for me to regret the way I put my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with others because I fear they will react and blame their reaction on me, not realizing that no matter my starting point and how carefully I place my words some people might react and blame it on me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I see something I consider to be dysfunctional, it is my responsibility to point it out and at least discuss it with others as long as we agree on the matter, which is when action can be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of pointing out dysfunctionalities by thinking “it was probably nothing” / “they will figure it out themselves”, thus letting it slip through my fingers, accepting and allowing the dysfunction to continue existing as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my evaluation of what is dysfunctional so that I would have an excuse not to take the risk of getting others angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my integrity and self-trust so that I wouldn't have to face aggression from others.

When and as I discuss with people, I commit myself to focus on asking them questions instead of telling them what to do.

I commit myself to investigate my patterns of interaction and discussion.

I commit myself to make a note of and explore the things I have labeled as “bad”, “wrong” or “immoral” within and as the realization that (at least a part of) the label is there to excuse me from going beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to discuss with plenty of people to give myself a chance to practice being honest within discussion.

Day 245: Developing dependency

29052013

I have been meeting a lot of people during my first 2,5 weeks of traveling, and I am starting to realize that each one I meet and react to is bringing me their own kind of a lesson. I have been dealing with one major point lately that was brought up in the company of one person, and now I am facing a new one brought to surface by another person in my current environment.

With this person I have enjoyed myself a lot in conversation and verbal expression, which has been fun in itself. However, I have also noticed that I have created a desire to be in the company of this person because of how I accept and allow myself to be within our interaction (active, fearless, open). I also find myself needy of his attention because I suddenly feel like I am a very interesting person and want that energy boost over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in the company of another being because I fear losing the qualities he “brings out” in me (the qualities I accept and allow myself to live as in his presence).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this desire into compromising myself and my actions as I make my way into his company despite my actual plans and wait for him to create the experience I desire for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make plans “just in case” there would be a chance to join in with this person's plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive by waiting for another to bring me the experience of activeness, openness, fearlessness and self-worth, not realizing that originally I was the one who accepted and allowed myself to experience this and live as these qualities in the first place, and that he was not the cause of my experience even though he functioned as a trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for living out change as I have accepted and allowed myself to shed some of my fears and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire another to give me attention so that I could experience myself to be “interesting” (worthwhile), not realizing that here I make my sense of self dependent on another by only giving myself attention through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my own existence when I am not in the presence of people who would show interest towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself by not giving myself “attention” (being self-aware within and as breath) in any and all circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a habit to forget myself with a lifetime of not breathing and not being self-aware.

I commit myself to explore myself in the presence of this person and to embrace any and all points that may surface within and as the realization that I am the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to return myself to breath whenever I notice myself falling out of breath as I see, realize and understand that when I do not breathe I am not actually here one with an equal to my physical existence – the only level of existence that is certainly HERE.

I commit myself to make sure I do not compromise myself, my actions and my living because of another person by checking my starting point for every action and inaction I live out.

Day 233: The value of language

14052013

I have been thinking a lot about language. I was just now watching korean TV programs with some people at my hostel and we were talking about how weird it is to watch TV when we don't understand the language: “we can't really say if this is comedy or not”. But as I was looking at the cheerful soap operas, dramatic movies and sugary commercials, I realized that I did understand them, that which was essential about them: that which was actually lived out in the flesh. I had no idea what the idols were singing about, but I did see what they were attempting to portray and whether they believed in their facade or not. I did not know what the character was sad about, but I did see the tears on her face; I didn't know what shocked her, but I saw the way she looked at the TV and trembled. I didn't know what the lady was angry about, but I did understand the tone of her shouting voice. Shortly put: I saw action, I saw movement – and that was enough for me to understand what was actually going on. The details of the motives as expressed in words were not relevant to what was actually happening in matter.

While I've been here I've also got a glimpse into how koreans (and other asians) perceive the english language. I've realized that it has been almost completely stripped of its practical value as a tool of communication, and now it is most commonly used as a trinket – a cheap jewel; some words have been charged with special emotions, feelings and meanings that may have nothing to do with the actual meaning/usage of the word. Thus we end up with cafes and restaurants and shops and clothes with english words all over them, yet none of these people adorning themselves with them cannot actually speak english. The value of this specific language has been stripped to uselessness. (I don't know about korean's/asian's attitude towards learning foreign languages in general or if this is just a thing towards english).

So I realized that I have also valued some things about language more than the actual communicative value. For example, I see myself reacting every time a word is mispronounced or misspelled Here I react to the language not being spoken “my way” - the way I perceive it to be “correct” - and do not consider whether what was being said was comprehendible or not within current context. Having a common set of rules for a language is necessary and has immense practical value, but there must be another way of supporting others' knowledge of languages than acting trough reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing motives with words is necessary so that others would fully understand what is happening, not realizing that the matter uses no words and is still fully comprehendible by simply being HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that to express the specific workings of the mind is necessary – not realizing that what actually matters is that which happens in matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that emotions/feelings have value in themselves, not realizing that what actually matters is what happens in flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the mind than the matter that is being moved by it – the consequences that need to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things being “incorrect” and “out of place” when I have read someone misspell a word or heard someone mispronounce a word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-judgement every time I have misspelled or mispronounced a word, feeling like I “have to” correct myself so that I would be aligned with “reality” again (what I perceive and believe to be the “real” way of using a language).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my reality based on how I have been told things are “for real”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the way english was taught to me in school to be the “real”/”true”/”correct” way of using english language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the practical value of a language is to work as a tool of communication between people (beings with higher cognitive functions / a mind) so that we could share our experience with each other, and that even though using language along the same rules has a crucial role in this so that a word is understood similarly between all participants, there is no universally “real”, “true” or “correct” way of using a language because words are just symbols with meanings we have agreed to charge them with - like empty cups filled with varying liquids – and that us having a hegemonic way of using a language at this point in time does not mean that this way is the one and only and that language cannot be redefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have heard a mispronunciation / read a misspelling, to only see my reaction to things being “out of place” instead of looking at whether this mistake was relative to whether the other got himself understood or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others' mispronunciations / misspellings from the starting point of wanting to “put things in place” instead of looking at whether it is relevant or not to correct the other at this moment in terms of comprehensibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stability into a world of chaos by organizing the language I use and others use as “correctly” as possible, allowing no flexibility in the usage of words without seeing, realizing and understanding that the meanings and forms of words are bound to change along with the people who use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think and see “incorrect!” when a word is misspelled / mispronounced, not looking at what is actually causing the other to use the language in a way that is different from mine.

When and as I react to a mispronunciation or a misspelling - by myself or another – I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am reacting to my worldview being challenged. I realize I am holding onto language as an unfaltering structure to compensate for my lack of inner stability. I stabilize myself in breath and look at how and why the word was used “incorrectly” to see whether the reason was such that it is necessary to be “corrected” - for example, if the word was understood similarly by all participants it may not need to be straightened out.

Day 230: Discussion on the word "responsibility"

11052013

so heavy!

I had a conversation with a friend and it turned interesting when I noticed we were talking about the same concept but with differing definitions where it started turning into a debate. I realized how important it is to make sure all are on the same level about words, the gravity of words and the nature of words as symbols that can be loaded in a multitude of ways.

The word we clashed with was “responsibility” (or “vastuu” in finnish). My friend connected this word extensively with negative connotations and told me that “there is no responsibility without guilt”. I explained my take on responsibility by saying that when there is a goal (here, to ensure a world that is best for all) then I have responsibility as defined by the goal – if I act in a way the consequences of which distance me from the goal then I am not carrying my responsibility. I also talked about individual responsibility (one's “ultimate” responsibility towards oneself) when he expressed that “no one has to take care of others”. I do not see carrying responsibility to be a “burden” or anything negative, because it is simply what is now necessary.

So when we actually got to the meta level and noticed we were having a debate because of this one word we got to discharging it. It was cool because he saw where his understanding of this word comes from and I realized that this is where some of my conversations with people may go wrong, that I'm simply misinterpreted. I also realized the importance of simplifying or breaking down complicated concepts so that they are comprehendible for everyone, although not “dumbing it down” and encouraging more complex cognitive understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the differing interpretations people have of words and to thus explain the terms I am using and make sure I am on the same level of understanding with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of “my way” of using words within a conversation to allow for the terms to be broken down and understood by all because I have believed and perceived that “my way” of using the words is “correct” and the others' is “incorrect”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the other in the conversation when I realized what was causing conflict and wanted to share this so that the conflict would be solved, not allowing the other to finish their sentence and belittling them when they reacted to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being interrupted within conversation with frustration, thinking “he never allows me to speak” and making myself restless and unable to listen to his words, accumulating this experience every time I got interrupted, and then exerting my frustration on the other (as described above) when I had the chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being interrupted instead of stopping, breathing and realizing that this is nothing personal but just the other expressing themselves – living as who they are by interrupting my speech – and that this here is a chance for me to observe the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the gravity of words by not being aware of the vocabulary I use and the reactions it may stir in others, as I have not seen, realized or understood that communication is not about reveling in my self-expression but about exchanging information/understanding with others.

I commit myself to build awareness of my speech and vocabulary as I now see, realize and understand its gravity; and I commit myself to do this by paying attention to others and their reactions to my words within the realization that their reactions are not reactions towards me but towards their interpretations of the words I use.

When and as I get agitated within a conversation, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to take a break to stabilize myself in breath within the realization that by forgetting to breathe I am allowing my participation in the conversation to “get out of hands” as I participate in my energetic reactions towards the other and engage in a “battle” to “win” the conversation instead of actually communicating. If necessary, I allow myself a break from the conversation by physically moving myself elsewhere for a moment. I return to the conversation once the energy has dissipated and my breath is stable.

When and as another interrupts me within a conversation and I react to this - I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this is nothing personal but the other expressing him/herself. I breathe and let go of what I was speaking about in order to listen and hear what the other one says and to observe what it is he/she is now expressing. I then place this in context with what I was speaking of before I got interrupted and accordingly decide where to direct the conversation when it is my turn to speak.