Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

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Just look at those meatballs!

This post is a continuation to:
Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support
Day 178: Separation of genders
Day 179: The attraction fallacy
Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

I've been dealing with romance and romantic gestures, especially artistic ones where another dedicates a piece of artistic expression to me. An excerpt from some private writings:

I have for all of my relationship history secretly wished for my partners to gift me with a song or a poem or a painting or something (anything!) because that would mean I have inspired the other to do something that is only for me – or more precisely, from me. I realized that this shit with wanting to have a special exclusive gesture like this given to you is not actually about receiving something from the other, but about using the other as an extension of you – I call this the “evil muse syndrome”, lol. When another i.e. writes a song that is specifically for me or inspired by me, it has been created by my effect – it wouldn't have come into existence without me – and so I elevate myself through the actions of another. “I made this happen.” “This is MY song.” “I'M the one who inspired this.” Usually it is not done in an aggressive manner (not very feminine, now is it) but in a sweet, petite way of saying: “aww, you did this all for me?” This phrase is very tricky indeed because it is nothing but self-elevation masked as a compliment.

So I have always wished for this “special” gesture but never mentioned it to anyone because it would not be genuine if I asked for it. This is actually very movie-like now that I think of it, lol, the gesture has to be just right for it to mean anything – to give me the perfect fulfillment – for the energy charge to be exactly the way I have imagined it to be. This expectation is in no way aligned with the practical reality – it simply does not make sense to 1) have a desire and not actively strive to fulfill it 2) have a desire based on no practical purpose, and 3) believe a relationship is “fulfilling” only when it reaches some epic proportions of love oozing from every seam as perfect images and scenes of ladidaa flowers and candlelight and deep looks in each others eyes and gentle notes from a guitar and shy hushed voices and BLAH all the shit.

I have never liked romance. I have found it repulsively sweet and sugary. I remember even as a child wondering about the purpose of all that weird mushiness. I mean, I watched Lady and the Tramp as a child for many times and the love scene with the spaghetti and the idyllic night with the candle light and the country side scenery and the couple leaning to each other – it never made any fucking sense, why would they do that, what's so great about the italian restaurant anyway, those meatballs sure look tasty – until I integrated into the relationship system and learned what it was that grown-ups get out of such scenes of romance and learned to secretly desire it myself. Even in these movies targeted to children the relationship ideal is already imposed upon the children who have no idea what it means.

So I have pretty much resented romantic gestures throughout my relationship history but also secretly craved for them. Before I began dating (age 8-15) I would have fantasies of romance all the time – and I mean all the time. As a child/teenager my most common pastime when alone or when drifting off during a boring class was daydreaming about romantic fantasies. As a younger child they had more to do with “being rescued” or other stuff that gave me a sense of security – and the older I got, the more intimacy I involved in them. The fantasies usually consisted of movie-like scenes that varied from compilations of many scenes to single moments, and they revolved around the feeling of “being special” and being loved, accepted and recognized – mostly nothing directly sexual, just emotional feelgood. These were intense energy loops that I trapped myself into for years as I craved for the pleasurable energy I got from these fantasies. Whenever I came across something in my real life that evoked an exciting romantic energy within me, I harnessed it into material for my fantasies so that the feeling would go on forever.

In my teen years I grew more cynical about relationships because of bitterness for not having any relationship experiences, and I rejected and bashed all notions of romance and love without ever stopping to realize the contrast between this behavior and my secret desire to taste all that sweetness myself. Which is what eventually happened, but even when I was experiencing all that feelgood within relationships I was unable to deal with romantic gestures – a boyfriend would bring me flowers and I would not know how to deal with it – it was as if I was expected to react a certain way and when I didn't the gesture was kinda drawn back - “if you don't give me what I was supposed to get as a counter-gift, then why did I bring you this stupid stuff at all?” (No one actually said this to me, but this is the “vibe” I got on numerous occasions.) So the gesture was not given as expression but as a bribe.

So I guess my problem dealing with these gestures was that I realized that something was expected of me but I just did not know what it was – or didn't want to validate it as I saw the dishonesty. People are somehow expected to treat each other with special gestures like this to keep each other happy and satisfied. I've been told that these gestures are to “show one's love towards the other” - to show the other that you're still committed to them – but why not live as the commitment and love in each and every moment of co-existence instead of these occasional special moments that give us the energy to tread through the rough patches? What if one were to live as love and commitment within the rough times? Would they, then, be so rough at all?

Another point is that it is common for people to base their sense of self-worth on the perception others have of you, and the validation one gets from close relationships is the most important, because finding one's self-value from within self is not really taught anywhere as we live mostly in relationships of co-dependency. So these special gestures of love within intimate relationships are “required” for one to feel like one has value, which explains a lot of the extreme reactions people go into when one's partner has not remembered to give acknowledgement in a while. The energy sustenance is required at a regular interval or otherwise one will feel like shit and believe one is not loved (or worse, blame it on the other) – never realizing all the love and acceptance one needs is HERE, constantly within ourselves.

I'll continue with the points above in specificity in the posts to come.