24-25032013
This post is a specific continuation to:
And a part of a longer series:
-- Consequences in relationships --
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a
secret desire for my romantic fantasies to come true in the physical
reality because I perceived and believed that the energy I
experienced when imagining the fantasy situations would be “at it's
maximum” if it was brought to actual situations and that the desire
would through that be “fulfilled”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto
this desire because the society surrounding me supported and
encouraged this and showed me many examples of success (ideal images)
and hushed all the failures (real life).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect
everyone to know that this romantic ideal of relationships is what
everyone wants, needs, desires and requires, and thus expect my
partners to “know what I want” without me communicating about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn
bitter when my partners have not given me the romantic gestures I
expected them to according to the relationship ideal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect
people I have been interested in to show me romantic gestures even
though I have never even communicated my interest towards them out of
shyness, because they “ought to know” I am interested. [Okay,
this is a point of its own related to communication, will elaborate
separately.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, in my
bitterness towards my partners for not showing me the “special
attention” I desired to be shown as romantic gestures, to blame
them for being “inconsiderate” and to blame myself for being
“undesirable”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
communicate my disappointment to and with my partner and thus with
the suppression turn it into bitterness and further into frustration
which accumulated to such an extent that I started looking for the
“special attention” and “special approval” from other people
– in other words, created the desire to cheat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as
I have been discontent with my relationship to another because it did
not match the romantic relationship ideal I had set up in my mind, to
start looking for compensation from other people by looking for
“better options” instead of facing, addressing and discussing the
actual core problem with my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I can escape the cause of my frustration in relationships by
treating the symptoms and fulfilling my desires by whatever means,
not realizing that as long as the cause persist the symptoms will
resurface over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare
my relationships in the physical reality to the relationship ideal in
my mind reality, not realizing that the ideal in my mind is not
stable but a constantly changing and morphing image that changes
every time I seem to achieve it, not realizing I am chasing an
illusion and never stopping to look at what is actually HERE to be
worked with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that to compare the physical and the mental is to compare two
completely different realities and different worlds and that this
comparison is thus unfair as it does not consider the differences in
between and the fact that they are thus incomparable as the same laws
don't apply within both.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore
what is here (relationships) in favour of illusions (ideals) as I
have perceived life to be “boring” and rather enjoyed my inner
reality.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my
teenage years to react with revulsion to romantic gestures, words,
phrases, gifts and images I came across in media or in the people
surrounding me, blaming the romance I saw to be “idiotic” and
“stupid” and thinking less of the people involved - thus
rejecting myself as I actually secretly craved for romance and
refusing to see that I was actually covering up with aggression my
sadness for not having any romance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
seeing the desire for romance in me because I recognized romance to
be irrational and dishonest and didn't understand how/why it came up
in me even though I didn't think it to be valuable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this
fear to feel ashamed for desiring romance and suppress the desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my
desire into bitterness and jealousy as I suppressed the desire and
shamed myself for having it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see
another being having some romantic thing in his/her life and
instantly compare myself to this person and see that I “lost” in
terms of having / not having romance – and that I have turned my
feeling of inferiority into aggression and blame, casting the
responsibility of my unhappiness on those who were happy and bringing
them down by mocking, ridiculing and belittling them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry
responsibility for my own unhappiness but instead blame it on those
who appeared to “have it all” - all the things I desired – as
if the happiness of another would reduce my chances of happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize it is my responsibility to carry the consequences of my own
accepted and allowed beliefs and perceptions – in this case, the
unhappiness that was the result of me having a distorted view on
relationships.
--
Here I am stopping to wonder how much I can actually claim
responsibility for the things I had learned by the time I was a
teenager, which in my eyes is still a child. I had not learned to
question everything, I had not learned to test things by myself – I
had learned to trust without question, to believe what you're told
and to follow the “big guys” (parents, teachers, siblings,
friends – any and all safe authorities in a big and scary world)
because apparently everyone else knew better and it would be
according to my best interest to do as I'm told with little to no
reasoning provided. I am responsible for each and every action I
committed in my childhood and teenage years – but am I responsible
for the creation of the “me” who I was back then – the “me”
who made the decisions to act? What's my share in this?
Another thing I wish to clarify mainly for myself: I am now not going
through the desire to be in a relationship but the desire to live
within and as an image of romance, specifically charged with the
feeling of “being special” to someone and experiencing something
“meaningful”; elevation, glorification, exclusive love targeted
only towards “that special someone” and all the cliche-fulled
images that serve this purpose. This is a result of our visually
oriented culture that filters the reality into movie-like images and
snapshots.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to
live within and as images because the energetic charge involved has
felt so good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to
live within and as images in spite of the physical reality,
disregarding my responsibility as an equal and one participant of
this reality to utilize my limited time and capacity for building the
physical reality into a better place for all – and instead
believing it to be justified to want to escape the reality into a
cozy exclusive VIP place of a romantic relationship, thus turning my
back on the world that requires the participation of everyone for
anyone to live a happy life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify
the desire to live as the energies of “love”, “happiness”,
“joy”, “fulfillment” and “peace” by bringing the romantic
images, visions and fantasies into physical existence with the belief
that human beings “require comfort” in a world that is this
messed up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that comfort – being told “it's alright” - is what I require
when I face adversity, not realizing that comfort is not the
equivalent of actual support that would help me see what's actually
going on, how I'm responsible for the situation and how I can move
myself out of it and implement change and development.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is not valid to state “it's alright” in a world where things are definitely not alright, because even if things were “alright” from the perspective of the individual, the rest of the world that is not alright will affect the individual sooner or later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that these romantic visions, images, ideals and fantasies are
all based upon the search for comfort and security from outside of
oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize
about being rescued from danger because I would then not have to
carry myself, stand within myself and direct myself but could rely on
“someone else” to carry me for me – not realizing that with
these fantasies I've satisfied my need to have security, stability
and comfort in my life – which are all things I have lacked for
most of my life as I have not built them within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face
my insecurity, instability and discomfort and realize I am the cause
of them as I am the one who creates my inner experience, and that I
am thus responsible for bringing them into my life and nobody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
purposefully place myself within these fantasies in an inferior
position where I live as less than my potential because through that
I did not have to carry myself, not realizing the extent of the
consequences that come with creating a self-image of inferiority and
believing it to be somehow “beneficial”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize
about a person of interest showing their affection towards me because
I have been unwilling to communicate my interest and having the other
one do it first would release me of the responsibility to move
through my resistance to communicate. [I'm going to elaborate on the
communication points separately.]
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as
cynicism and believe all actions that fit into the category of
“romantic gestures” (all that I have interpreted to be such) to
be dishonest and based on self-interest, not realizing that I do not
know what the purpose of the other actually was (unless communicated)
and that it could have just as well been an act of expression of
compassion and care – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to thus always judge a person committing a “romantic
gesture” to be dishonest because I have learned from my society
that these specifically profiled “romantic gestures” are usually
motivated by sexual desire.
Nevertheless,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire
for “romantic gestures” and give them myself in spite of the rest
of the world and in ways that are even harmful to others (i.e.
flowers: 1, 2, 3, 4).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
consider that which is best for all but to hold my momentary pleasure
more important than the well-being of everyone.
--
It seems that the more I write about this the more confused I become.
Oh well. This point is either way more vast than I have thought or I
have been trailing on some side paths all along. Tomorrow I will
continue with the communication point, which is a Big One. Lol, see
how I make this more difficult for myself already? What I mean by
that is that communication issues are one of the fundamental points
of who I have been for all of my life – one major monster at the
core of most of my issues. Walking this point will be a challenge
most welcome and necessary.
--
When and as I see myself wanting/desiring/craving for a “romantic
gesture” (beautiful words, gifts, acts of kindness) – I stop, I
breathe and I bring myself back into the physical reality from the
mind reality by focusing on my breath for as long as I feel stable. I
realize that these “romantic gestures” are often
wanted/desired/craved for because they present an image that is
charged with a specific kind of energy. I look at that which I was
wanting/desiring/craving for to see if there is an image (a
movie-like scene) that I am reaching for and I ask myself what this
image fulfills; what is the “lack” that it “fixes”? I then
forgive myself for whatever I find and move on – and if my
practical application fails and/or wavers, I investigate the point in
writing to see what I have missed.
I commit myself to investigate what it is to “express one's love”
in real practical actions.
I commit myself to investigate the concept of “meaningfulness”.
I commit myself to stop judging those involved with romantic actions
and instead see, realize and understand that when I judge I cast
blame on others of things I have not forgiven myself for.
I commit myself to return to this post in a few days to see if I find
more clarity on what I wrote about here, because I have found it to
be of assistance to have a step back, do something else and have
another look when in doubt of one's writings.
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