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| http://www.theaustralian.com.au/arts/stage/chinese-theatre-springs-to-life-as-the-play-that-started-it-all-makes-its-move-offshore/story-fn9d344c-1226117000628 |
Alright. I was
writing about a specific attraction point concerning a specific
person when I came across a point which extends beyond this
particular case. It is about exploring intimacy only from within a
role, because when within a role one is supposedly on “safe
ground”, because oneself is not put on the line and everything can
be explained with “just playing the role – it was not me”.
I've had secret
fantasies about having the chance to do some really intimate scene on
the theatre stage with a man. This has been because I have been both
afraid of intimacy and craving for it: within a scene, script and
character it would be “safe” and “harmless” to engage in
actual physical contact with another without ever actually dealing
with it. I've had this image in my mind where I'm completely
entangled in some scene with a male actor, like in a passionate dance
or something, and where our eyes meet for a second and we both pause
to “connect” - as if the both of us realized within that
heartbeat that behind the characters our passion was real and not
faked – and the fantasy never continues beyond this magical moment
of revelation because that would been real life conditions where
things are out in the open and have to be discussed and dealt with.
Lol.
So I see how
this extends to real moments of intimacy. As I have been afraid of
intimacy I have always hidden behind some character, pattern or
survival mode and never really stood within and as myself when in a
situation of intimacy (on a physical or mental level; a personal
discussion is also intimate) and thus never actually faced, discussed nor dealt with it. Which is kinda cool to realize, because
it is actually quite the release to realize that all that tension,
awkwardness, alienation and separation has been because of how I have
positioned myself towards intimacy and not a trait of intimacy
itself. Which probably means there's a whole world of intimacy for me to
explore as I have never really lived within any of it. Cool!
Here's some SF I
wrote on the topic:
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about having a
special intimate moment with a man within a performance because this
would be a “safe” way of exploring intimacy.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to both fear intimacy and
desire it, and create fantasies within which I could hold on to both
– avoiding the fear and fulfilling the desire.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from
intimacy by only being intimate when within a character, thus never
really standing within/as intimacy but always faking it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimate only via
characters because they have been my armor and my protection in case
of failure.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in intimate
situations.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to paralyze myself in
intimate situations because I have been overridden with fear and
functional only through characters, which are in fact limitations,
like a strait jacket or a clumsy coat of armor.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure in intimate
situations, as I have feared that the other would then see me as
“less” than who I am and define me according to a mistake (or an
imagined mistake).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will touch
(kiss, hug, caress, hold) a person “in the wrong way” (causing
the other to react negatively) and that I will be punished for this
by losing the acceptance of another.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the negative
reaction of another to be “my fault” and that I am causing the
other to feel something negative because all my life I have lived in
a world where no one carries responsibility for their reactions and
thus blames it on others, and where I have learned to be submissive
in situations where I am blamed for the reactions of others. *
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret situations by
connecting the reaction of another to what I did before the reaction
– not realizing that even though my action (may have) served as a
trigger to another's reaction and thus participated in bringing about
the reaction, the one reacting is still the only one responsible for
his/her inner movements (emotions, feelings, thoughts, imagination)
as one has no concrete access to another's inner reality without the
acceptance and allowance of another.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely afraid of
failing in intimate situations because I had learned from the society
I grew up in that in relationships/sex the stakes are extremely high
because relationships/sex is the “ultimate prize” one could
attain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign a high value on relationships/sex because it was depicted as the "ultimate prize" or "highest fulfillment", believing that without this my life would be incomplete / less than the lives of others - not realizing that this perception of relationships/sex as the "ultimate prize" is dependent on energy which is created in the mind through glorification and is in no way relevant to what is actually physically here as people and interaction.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied the
“ultimate prize” of relationships/sex because of a “mistake”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive not
behaving according to the relationship/sex norm as presented in the
media (TV, movies, porn, magazines, books, etc) and in the living
examples surrounding me (friends, family) to be a “mistake”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a “norm” to be
“the way things should be done” because I have believed it to
have been well thought out and optimized to be a guideline towards
the well-being of all – not realizing that the creation of a norm
is often completely arbitrary and randomized and NOT based on
thorough considerations of the reality, and that a norm is upheld
with the phrase “this is how it's always been done” which is NOT
a valid basis for future actions, as we cannot conclude that which ought to be from that which currently is.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is
possible for me to make a mistake in relationships/sex, not realizing
that a mistake only becomes a mistake if it's not dealt with – and
that if there was no harm done to anyone, it was probably not a
mistake at all.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe straying from the
norm to be a “mistake”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and follow the
relationship/sex norm to avoid the rejection straying from it would
cause, because I have based my sense of self-worth on the acceptance
of others.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react
negatively to what I perceive and believe to be “mistakes” - not
realizing that as I expect another to react a certain way I position
myself within the situation according to this expectation (i.e. by
becoming tense and wary) and thus support the other to live out the
exact reaction I expect.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question and
practically test my assumption that once the relationship/sex norm is
strayed from it will cause a negative reaction, but instead always stay on the "safe zone" where I have some preconceived pattern I can follow.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress myself
according to an assumption that I have created on a completely
arbitrary basis.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself in a
defensive stance when/as I have been faced with intimacy because I
have expected rejection from the other as I have already rejected
myself as I perceive myself to already be a “failure” even though
no mistake has been done because I have perceived just the
possibility for “failure” (“I don't know what I'm doing”) to
be the equivalent of making a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide the fact that "I don't know what I'm doing" because I have perceived it to be the equivalent of making a mistake and didn't want to "get caught".
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fact that
I “don't know what I'm doing” counts against me as I have believed that others expect me to live up to an ideal set by the society.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive
myself to be “incapable” in relationships/sex because I have not
had a ready pattern to follow, not realizing that when there is no
pattern one is more free to explore and create by oneself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from
exploring the patternless state of innocence in relationships/sex
because I have believed and perceived that to admit to not already
knowing how something is done is to make a mistake (that the other
will see me as “less” than who I am).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for another's perception of me.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to
another's perception of me, not realizing to stop and breathe and
realize I am HERE and not within the head of another.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one should be
an expert of relationships/sex already before any actual experience
because this is the ideal level set by the society in images (porn,
TV, movies, magazines, books).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe what
the media told me about relationships/sex because I blindly trusted
the ones taking care of me (parents/society/officials/authorities),
not realizing that the image of relationships/sex that media paints
is but a fantasy completely separate of the practical reality.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to reach the
ideal level of “already being an expert” before even starting
out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the image of "being an expert" is based on fantasies and not on the practical reality, and that even if one did learn how to "be an expert" according to porn, TV, movies, magazines and books - this would not be a universal pattern that functions in every situation and with every individual because it is built on images, patterns and preprogramming and does not consider the fact that within every moment of every breath there is a possibility to turn things completely around where no planning will be of any use as the patterns stop functioning.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to strive
towards “already being an expert” is actually an act of fear as
one tries to avoid making a mistake and “making a fool” of
oneself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will embarrass
myself by making a mistake in relationships/sex.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sensation of
embarrassment because as a child it was an overwhelmingly
uncomfortable and frequent experience for me. *
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to be
embarrassed is to believe all the worst interpretations I spawn of
myself within my mind – to believe that I am in fact “incapable”,
“ugly”, “undesirable”, “dumb”, “not good enough”.
* Stuff that needs to be elaborated on. Memories in childhood.
As I now see, realize and understand that my starting point for intimacy has been off for my entire life - I commit myself to facing myself within intimacy and sorting out my starting point by challenging myself to engage in intimacy (mental and physical) in practical situations by following my discomfort to uncharted areas.
I commit myself to write in detail about specific points that come up in my practical involvement in intimacy so that I may find the actual practical solutions to which I can commit myself to.
I commit myself to realize there is no ideal to attain in relationships/sex, and that to hold onto an ideal is to abdicate one's responsibility to create and build ones relationships by oneself.
I commit myself to realize that relationships/sex is just interaction - movement in between beings - like any other.
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