Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

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This post is a specific continuation to:
Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

And a part of a longer series:
Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support
Day 178: Separation of genders
Day 179: The attraction fallacy
Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

 -- Daydreaming --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to hold on to the exciting positive energy I experienced within a romantic context by extracting the original experience here in the physical into images, fantasies and scenes within my mind and by indulging in these scenes by repeating them over and over again and savouring the energy experiences they induced within me as physical sensations in the diaphragm, stomach and chest areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to create a belief that these experiences that induced strong energetic responses within me were such that one ought to strive for because they felt so good, intense and big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to think that these strong energetic responses made me feel “more alive” because in comparison my ordinary life was boring, dull and uneventful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I created the feeling that my life was “boring, dull and uneventful” by comparing it to mind-induced energy, and that this feeling was not in fact based on reality but on an unfair comparison, as when positive mind-energy is compared to a life of limitation and suppression it is clear that one will seem “better” than the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the fact that the above-mentioned comparison is in fact not based on reality because I have not realized that the “real” life I lived was a life of limitation, suppression and self-imprisonment – and thus wasn't the best that life when actually lived can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am happier in my mind than in the physical reality based on an unfair comparison that hasn't really looked into what is actually going on.

[I've been facing the above-mentioned point in my living recently (“my life SUCKS”) and thus this SF also assists me in my everyday practical life. Awesome.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to escape my practical living into daydreams and fantasies because I found my practical living to be uncomfortable due to bullying, insecurity and simply being discontent with life and what the world was offering me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to escape my fear of being in contact with boys / to act upon the desire to be in contact with boys by indulging in mind-fantasies where I got the experience I was desiring without the “risks” of actual interaction (failure, shame, loss).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not accept what comes along with it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but resent its consequences.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the consequences of showing interest towards another (communication, interaction, revealing oneself) to be “uncomfortable”, “scary” and “difficult”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive honestly interacting with another by facing oneself with the other to be uncomfortable, scary and difficult because it was beyond my comfort zone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive interacting with a person of interest to be “uncomfortable” and “difficult” as I did not have a preconceived behavioral pattern for such situations, which would have required me to act based on what is HERE when/as things are communicated, which is a course of action I had not been prepared for or taught to do.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive interacting with a person of interest to be “scary” because I have held onto all of my worst-case scenarios of how things may “go wrong” and “fail” and feared that they might come true if I involved myself in a situation that included this risk.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the worst-case scenarios where I was laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, shamed, excluded, rejected, abused and singled out when approaching a person of interest or revealing my interest towards another – not realizing that even if some of these things actually happened, it would not be anything personal towards me or an attack at my self-worth but an indicator of where the other person(s) currently stands in his/her process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not even try to be in contact with boys and refuse all of their attempts to approach me because I have been terrified of actually facing another (facing myself as reflected from another) and instead just kept to my inner fantasies because it was much easier and much more comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that I enjoyed my inner reality more than the “outer” reality because I did not realize that my inner reality is not in fact real, at least not to anyone but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though my fantasies weren't real and did not actually happen, they had a major influence on myself and who I was with people as they affected and created the thoughts, emotions, feelings, expectations, assumptions and images I had towards and of people and thus affected the way I interacted with actual people in actual situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that daydreaming and fantasizing is in fact not harmless as it has a major influence on who I am and how I act in the practical physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify daydreaming and fantasizing by saying “none of this actually happens”, not realizing how the effects are carried over to the actual reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and uphold an ideal of romance through the daydreams, fantasies and scenes I played around with in my mind based on whatever induced the “right kind of energy” (strong, intense, exciting).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unquestioned the daydreams, fantasies and scenes that induced the “right kind of energy” to be that which relationships were all about and should be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount/intensity of energy to be an indicator of how “real” an experience is, believing energy to be “real living” because my actual physical living was less enjoyable in comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extract energy-inducing experiences that I lived through while immersed in different forms of media (movies, books, TV series, porn, music, magazines) into material in my mind of which I compiled a “romance ideal” according to what images/phrases/scenes/characters/actions were repeated often, how they were presented, how I resonated to these images and what kind of an energy these images aroused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what the society through media allows people to understand to be “the ideal” is created through manipulation of rhythm, colour, shape, voice, music, emotion and thought association through the understanding of the mechanisms of human consciousness (the human mind on autopilot).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because my romance ideal is built upon energy it is not a trustworthy nor a valid basis for building a relationship or choosing a mate because relationships happen here in the concrete physical reality and not within the energetic mind reality – at least not the kind of relationships I want to participate in, as I have lived through relationships based on nothing but energy and seen them to serve no other purpose but momentary escapism and their own inevitable destruction.

Will continue tomorrow.