08-09032013
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| 2012 - I'm the one who looks menacing |
There have been some occasions within a
short period of time where I have noticed the fact that I feel
important when my authority position in our theatre is validated
(when others have approached me by seeing me as an authority). First,
two theatre members approached me with some new ideas – and I
perceived them to be looking for my approval for their ideas so that
they could pass through me to higher levels in our inner hierarchy.
Whether this was their intention or not, what matters is that I
positioned myself in relation to them according to my perception and
interpretation because to me it was a “winning status” - and that
I instantly believed that there is a hierarchy at all, which
(officially) there is not; unofficially and unvoiced, quietly
accepted and allowed by all, there is.
Second, I received a request from an
agent looking for actors to deliver an invitation for castings to our
actors. I took this as an opportunity to feel “important” because
I was able to connect another with those he/she needed – as if I
was somehow irreplaceable or relevant in this interaction, not
realizing that I was there because of practical reasons only (we
don't share our actors' contact info publicly and thus someone's got
to be an intermediary). What's interesting is that when I was within
this fleeting feeling of elevation the word “pimp” popped up in
my head, because the power structure with a pimp and his prostitutes
is the same structure I see with myself and the actors.
I “have” a pool of resources
(actors) and an order is placed for specific kinds of “products”
(actors), which I then find from my “selection” (variety of
actors) and deliver to the “customer”. A pimp “has” a
resource pool (of prostitutes) from which a “customer” requests a
certain kind of product (according to one's preferences), which the
pimp then finds and delivers. The only difference here is that I make
no money out of my position – but the feeling of power, illusion of
ownership and sensation of a high status (importance) are the same.
So I perceived myself to have the same kind of power over my actors
as a pimp has over his hoard of whores – which is obviously not the
case. It's a strange kind of mixture of being proud of your herd and
protecting it but also one of seeing them as inferior to you.
-- Hierarchy --
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my permission for a
hierarchy to exist within our theatre because my position within the
hierarchy has been favorable as I have perceived myself to be one of
the “big guys” high up the ladder.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the inequality we
live as within our theatre when/as we live as a group defined by
hierarchy.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat my fellow beings
within theatre activity as equals as I have not seen myself as one
with and equal to them because I have more power than them.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold a system where the
opinions/words/expression of some have more importance and value than
those of others based on the guidelines we have decided to assign
value according to.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to those
theatre members who have been involved in the activity for a long
time than those who have been involved for a short time, not
realizing that the ones who have been there for a short while do not
have to pay for their “sin” of not being involved earlier by
being forever inferior to others, because what actually matters is
those people that are here NOW and that the pasts and presents of
each individual have no relevance to what is here.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not appreciate all those
that are here NOW equally but to assign them different values based
on their past, as I have not realized that the only thing that
matters is that they are willing to be here NOW.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to those
theatre members who invest more of their time and effort in the
theatre activities because this is what keeps the theatre running,
not realizing that as I give more value to some I create a disdain
towards those who work less and thus create and uphold separation
within our group.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that instead
of feeling disdain towards those who participate less I could
encourage and invite them to do more.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have a look at the
lives of those who invest less time and effort into theatre before
passing any judgement to see how their lives are an whether they'd
even have any more time to invest – even though I am myself (!) in
a suffocating situation where I'm demanded more than I can give –
because I have learned this behavioral pattern as a part of the way
our theatre functions to get more people involved, not realizing that
passing blame and guilt isn't the best way of getting people more
enthusiastic.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame people for not being
more enthusiastic as I have been afraid that if more people don't
participate this theatre will not keep going and wanted to vent my
fear onto a scapegoat to abdicate my responsibility over the
situation.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to those
theatre members who are members of the directive board (chosen by
vote) because these people have executive power over the theatre
concerning the “big issues” - and I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not question this because I am a
member of the directive board myself and do not want to question my
high position.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even
though a small group has executive power it doesn't mean that the
decisions should be made solely within this group, but that the
entire crew of our theatre could also be involved in the decision
making progress.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even
though decision making in a small group is efficient, efficiency
itself is not the only quality according to which decision making
should be weighed.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by
listening to a large group of people (all those involved) the issue
will be discussed more broadly and will more likely be resolved in a
way that serves the best of all, and that the time-related efficiency
that is lost here is paid back by the fact that once an actual
solution to an issue has been found no further “fixing” is
required.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign value to those with
executive power because it is a power for the few and selected and
thus a “special” power because not everyone can have it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that
executive power cannot be in the hands of all because it would result
in chaos.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive those in an
executive position to be the rightful leaders of a chaotic herd that
doesn't know it's own good, not realizing that I am placing my
perception of what is “good for all” above all other perceptions
of this without properly hearing out and considering all points of
view – because I fear being wrong and would rather override
everyone else with my opinion by (rightful) force to feel like I was
right.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one with
and equal to each and every member of our theatre, from the youngest
to oldest, inexperienced to experienced, introverted to extroverted,
active to passive.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered by my
authority position in theatre because I have felt disempowered in my
life outside of theatre.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards an
authority position in theatre because it made me feel confident and
strong (I adopted a character that was confident and strong) when I
felt most weak and insecure in life. [This needs elaboration.]
-- “Pimping”
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the actors in our
theatre as “mine”, “my people” or “my kids” as they form
the group of people that to me feels like a family and home – my
safe haven – my special group.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I see
myself as a part of a group I see those that are not a part of the
group as “not a part of me”, in other words as separate from me
and not as one with and equal to me.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel protective of “my
herd” when someone who is not a part of it approaches it, as if I
have a “duty” as “the leader” to stand in-between the ones
within and the ones outside.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel important in the
position of the intermediary, perceiving it to be the position of the
“strong one” protecting the “weak ones”, not realizing that
it is in fact simply a task to be done for practical reasons.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the people in my
theatre as “the weak ones” because I want to see myself as
someone above them.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify seeing myself as
above others by thinking I am “protecting” them and thus feeling
righteous because I use this specific word that has a positive
charge.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the fact that
others need to be contacted through me to mean that my position is to
stand as a guard that “allows” information to pass through based
on my opinion instead of being the necessary intermediary who allows
all information to pass through for participants to make their own
assessments and decisions.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to carry
responsibility for others so that I could feel “important” and
“valuable”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others'
responsibilities for myself so that I could feel “more than”
others because I carry “more than” others – not realizing that
I'm not even carrying my own responsibilities and thus am in no
position to carry any more and should focus on myself until I am
ready to assist and support others.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from my
responsibilities by assuming the responsibilities of others for
myself.
I commit myself
in my position as a necessary intermediary to consider the
participants as one and equal to me and to each other and to connect
them to each other directly as soon as possible so that I wouldn't
have to stand in between as I am not a guardian for anyone, even
though I will utilize common sense and let no obvious abusers get to
any vulnerable information such as the contact information of kids
and adolescents.
I commit myself
to realize that a group of people exists simply for practical reasons
and is a temporary agreement made by people and existent only within
people which will cease to exist if it's participants so decide –
and that thus we are in fact all one and equal and NOT separate from
each other even though we choose to see ourselves as divided into
teams and groups opposing each other.
I commit myself
to see myself as an individual among individuals no matter what kind
of a group of people I stand within in order to not validate the
seclusive group mentality – and I commit myself to write about
whatever fears, resistances, beliefs and assumptions I face as I'm
walking this into practice.
I commit myself
to consider the process of decision making within our theatre and see
how it could be developed into one that involves all of our crew and
not just a selected few.
I commit myself
to realize authority is an illusion as it is a position “granted”
to me by the people who submit to the authority and can be “taken
away” in a whim.
I commit myself
to realize the position of the authority is only relevant as long as
it has practical substance.
Cool!
VastaaPoista