I used to take pictures of myself (more
specifically my face) all the time. This is a habit that began in my
late teens, around the age 16 or so, when I got into photography. I
would take tens of pictures of myself in different lightings,
surroundings, accessories, clothing, hairdo's etc. in order to find a
“perfect shot” where I would look good in whatever way I desired.
Sometimes I've wanted to look depressed and beaten, sometimes happy
and sunny, sometimes cool and distant, sometimes powerful, sometimes
sweet – whatever image I have wanted to paint of myself.
I realize I have done this as a way of
reinforcing my self-image. I have picked whatever character I have
wanted to live as and taken pictures to convince myself and others I
am in fact like the character. I have lived majorly through images by
shaping my self-image in my mind according to how my face looks (in
pictures, mirrors etc), in both good and bad.
About a year ago I stopped taking
pictures of myself. I would still enjoy looking at pictures others
had taken of me and choosing which ones to share; all the while I
browse images of myself I am completely blind to anything but the
question “how do I look”.
So today I picked up my camera and took
some pictures of myself for the first time in a year. This was an
experiment I had not planned to see what happens. I first noticed
that I didn't really know how to pose anymore, and when I tried to
the images looked stiff and faked. I guess one has to believe in it
for it to look convincing, lol.
The second thing I noticed while
looking at some of the first pictures I took was that I looked really
tired in the pictures even though I didn't feel like it (I may have
been though as I'd had a long day up until then).
Then I took a picture that for once
didn't look faked – and I didn't recognize myself from it. I looked
at the picture of my face and I thought: “Is this what I look like?
Is this me?” Of course lighting and stuff can do a lot to alter the
resulting photo, but nevertheless what I realized in that moment was
that I had become disconnected from the self-perception that used to
define me according to images because ever since the last time I have
used specific images to define me I have changed a lot – and it's
not just that my hair has gotten longer.
But when I looked at it practically, I
had to admit that no matter how distant that image felt to me, it was
in fact a snapshot of who I was in that heartbeat – and that if I
felt disconnected from the image I was seeing, I was also
disconnected from my very self.
And then I realized this links to
another subject I have been thinking about today, which is
self-suppression.
Lately I have noticed myself
suppressing myself a lot. It may be that I have had a “down
period” where my practical application is slackier than usual, or
it may be that I am becoming more aware of the moments where I have
suppressed myself all along. Either way, I've had a wake-up call of
sorts. For some days now I have focused so much on writing about shit
that isn't here to be practically dealt with that I have ignored the
practical application of my process – the movement and the change
in which self-forgiveness is a supportive tool but not the purpose
itself.
I've had trouble dealing with this
self-suppression thing because I haven't known where to begin as it
seems to spread out on every fucking interaction (or maybe I've just
happened to be in touch with those people that I have difficulties
with). I was looking for a trigger or a starting point I could locate
before I go head-first into doubt and suppression instead of just
acting upon my initial impulse, and all I could find was the physical
feeling I get in my body when and as I suppress my self-expression.
But as I was thinking about this
self-image thing and a discussion I had today, I realized that I
really don't know who I am. I keep telling myself to “stand within
myself as myself” and all these grand things without ever stopping
to look and see who it is that I really am. Self-confidence is to be
myself; self-trust is to be myself; truly standing on my own two feet
is to know myself and fully rely on myself. So how can I expect
myself to not suppress myself around everyone when I have no idea who
I am? How am I to not fear what others think of me when I don't know
what to think about myself?
This is not about defining myself
according to some characteristics or about painting a picture –
it's about knowing who I am within this mess of myself and where I
stand within that mess – what are my capabilities and
incapabilities – what are the challenges I face – and what
principles do I live according to; how and where to do I direct
myself? It's about facing myself in good and bad and taking action on
all of it.
So I will now begin mapping out who I
am at this moment, at this point of time, to be able to stand more
clear within myself, and through this I will move onto opening up the
point of self-suppression in more detail. I have been somewhat lousy
in doing planned writings, but this time I'm trying this simply by
setting a guideline but not planning too much in detail what to write
about – I mean, “who I am” is quite the vast question and can
be approached in many ways, lol. So let's see what comes out of this.
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