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This post is a continuation to:
Day 178: Separation of genders
“You cannot trust a single thing you
feel, and certainly – you cannot trust your thoughts or backchat.
So – you are going to have to directly direct every breath and walk
through every fear, every resistance. Realising, that: what you can
be, is a matter of you programming you to be that, and that
everything in your system has been set up against it.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in attraction by believing it to be
real because it feels so big, powerful and overwhelming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to trust my feeling of attraction to be real
because the feeling overrides everything else within my experience as
if nothing else exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop and question my feeling of attraction
because it feels good and I want to hold on to all positive feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify my actions with attraction as if it was
valid to base one's decisions on feelings – not realizing that
feelings (as well as emotions) are movements of the mind and not
movements of the physical (even though they eventually manifest as
physical sensations within the physical body) and that it is not
valid to base actions in the physical with something that does not
actually exist in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify obsession with attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify dependency with attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify abuse with attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify helplessness with attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to completely lose myself as a result of
participating in attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I am attracted to
someone I am actually drawn to the points/qualities which I perceive
the other to possess and myself to lack.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I participate in
attraction I see these qualities in another and choose to magnify and
glorify them as something “beyond me”, believing them to be
something I can never reach and that the other is something “more
than me” for possessing them, thus expecting the other to live as
these qualities so that I wouldn't have to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I participate in
attraction I live as helplessness as I abdicate my responsibility to
find, investigate and work on the qualities which I lack at the
moment and instead expect others to represent these qualities for me
in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to demand another to remain present in my life
because of the points/qualities they represent to me, as I believe
that without this person my life would be “incomplete” as I
refuse to find these points/qualities in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I expect another to live as
certain qualities in my life I create a relationship of dependency
where if the other person leaves I will be left without a complete
base structure for my living – for example, if I perceive another
to have “wisdom” and make myself reliant on the “wisdom” of
another, never living as “wisdom” myself but always expecting and
demanding the other to utilize their “wisdom” when necessary, I
make myself lack “wisdom” when/as/if the other person disappears
from my life and helpless at the face of situations where “wisdom”
would be necessary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when relationships are formed
based on points of attraction an entity of co-dependency is created
out of the participants where neither is able to live without the
other – not seeing, realizing and understanding the crippling,
diminishing and devastating effect this has on both as individuals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it to be justified to lose oneself
“into” another by projecting oneself through another and living
as one entity with one will and one body because this image of the
relationship entity where two melt into one has been glorified and
“sold” to me ever since childhood in fairy tales, media, society
structures and the example of my social surroundings – not
realizing that when one integrates oneself to be a part of this
relationship entity where two become one, one completely loses one's
grip of the reality as it is not seen that this entity is completely
imagined as two individuals cannot in fact become “one” in this
physical existence and that this entity is entirely conceptual as it
is created, believed, accepted, allowed, fed and upheld within the
mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to glorify the relationship entity where two
become one, not realizing that the reality of it is actually
everything but admirable as it is the manifestation of helplessness,
giving up and escapism.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the escapism
and self-interest in the act of turning one's back to the world so
that one could shut oneself into the special private reality of the
relationship entity where things consist of pleasure, comfort, love
and all other positively charged sates of being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when a relationship is formed
based on the glorification of each other's attraction points it is
nothing but escapism.
When and as I try to justify actions
with attraction, as if attraction was a valid reason for any
decisions – I stop, I breathe and I realize attraction is energy
that is here to bind me and imprison me. I realize that no form of
energy is ever justified or necessary – energy is never valid, as
it will always lead to it's polarity and feed off on me and everyone
else. I realize attraction points me to a direction I need to look at
in myself. I investigate the attraction points thoroughly in writing
and I forgive myself for trying to replace what I lack with something
external instead of working with and building the quality in myself.
I then re-assess my relationship with the one I felt attracted to and
ask myself: “What do we support in each other?”
I commit myself to no longer justify
any actions with attraction as I see, realize and understand that the
experience of attraction is an illusion I create in the mind and thus
not a valid basis for actions in the physical reality.
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