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This is a part of the relationship series I've been walking lately:
I have a healer syndrome. I want to
heal those in need and be the rescue to the weak ones who cannot help
themselves. This is not done simply out of common sense (the world is
a wreck and help is needed) – it is done for self-elevation. I feel
like I am doing something meaningful and giving myself a purpose when
I help others, those in need.
Okay, so “the ones in need” is an
interesting concept. When I was a teenager I found myself attracted
to teenage boys younger than myself. I saw them to be more “innocent”
than boys of my age – that they needed someone older and more
“mature” to gently guide them. This was derived from my fear of
men, because teenage boys to me represented males who had not yet
been corrupted into scary and dangerous beings.
One group that falls into this category
aside from teenage boys (men that are not yet scary/dangerous) is
children. I get a kick out of being a supportive adult – it's not
necessarily anything I do especially, but just the position and
status of being “the wise one to turn to”. When I wish to see
myself as “wise” and “enlightened” I overlook the practical
reality which is that I am NOT wise nor enlightened or in any way
“ready” to be a guide to others but am still way in the middle of
my own process.
What I realized now is that when I
stand as the “helper character” I actually look down on the
people I'm helping. I see the challenges and shortcomings of others
as something I can abuse to feel “more capable”, “more mature”,
“more evolved”. Thus I do not want provide others actual support
but just to comfort – and to comfort is to accept and allow another
to be the way they are, to tell them they are “fine” the way they
are, without ever addressing what they'd actually need to work on in
themselves. Especially when I happen to see clearly what another is
going through (or believe so) it is my responsibility to not let it
slip by. Even if I was trying to actually support another but would
be doing it from the starting point of self-elevation, I would be
doing more harm than good.
So there's the side of practicality: if
I at this moment can share my experience with another in a supportive
and assisting way, so be it. If there is an actual need I will do
what I can to practically help. This is what is required of us
people, to be watchful of each other so that no one is abandoned in
times of need, and I commit myself to practice being HERE in
awareness so that I do not sleepwalk through the moments where action
is required.
Then there's the side of
non-practicality: not actually helping. This is when
emotions/feelings/thoughts are wallowed in, when there's nothing but
gossip and going along with the moods of another without question.
This kind of interaction leads to nothing but stagnation as we accept
and allow each other to live within our unresolved issues and repeat
our patterns ad infinitum. This is not to nurture; this is not to
support; this is actually to act against life.
And thus I commit myself to no longer
use the weaknesses of others for my self-elevation – so that I
could feel like a “saviour” - as I see, realize and understand
that what really matters are the actual needs of others that I either
can or cannot be of assistance in. This practicality of how I can
help and if I can help is also important to consider: sometimes there
are situations where I cannot do a thing, and that's when I cannot
force myself to act as if I am helping or force myself to come up
with some way to help simply because I want the status points for
being a “helper”. That's when I need to direct the one in need
towards someone/something I believe could maybe be of real
assistance. I need to learn to let go of my ego in situations like
this. I cannot help everyone – yet I am able to affect the
well-being of everyone by living myself into a best possible human
being who will build this world and not destroy it. This is what my
focus needs to be in: myself.
An interesting facet of this is how I
have manifested this within romantic relationships and how I have
created relationships based on this point – which has obviously led
to the relationship falling apart. When I have not been the
needy/clingy/dependent one – the beggar – I have been “the
helper” who “saves” helpless people from whatever pit they're
lying in. This desire has lingered ever since my teenage years and is
triggered every now and then, and it is fundamentally connected to my
fear of men.
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