tiistai 26. maaliskuuta 2013

Day 186: The healer character


This is a part of the relationship series I've been walking lately:

I have a healer syndrome. I want to heal those in need and be the rescue to the weak ones who cannot help themselves. This is not done simply out of common sense (the world is a wreck and help is needed) – it is done for self-elevation. I feel like I am doing something meaningful and giving myself a purpose when I help others, those in need.

Okay, so “the ones in need” is an interesting concept. When I was a teenager I found myself attracted to teenage boys younger than myself. I saw them to be more “innocent” than boys of my age – that they needed someone older and more “mature” to gently guide them. This was derived from my fear of men, because teenage boys to me represented males who had not yet been corrupted into scary and dangerous beings.

One group that falls into this category aside from teenage boys (men that are not yet scary/dangerous) is children. I get a kick out of being a supportive adult – it's not necessarily anything I do especially, but just the position and status of being “the wise one to turn to”. When I wish to see myself as “wise” and “enlightened” I overlook the practical reality which is that I am NOT wise nor enlightened or in any way “ready” to be a guide to others but am still way in the middle of my own process.

What I realized now is that when I stand as the “helper character” I actually look down on the people I'm helping. I see the challenges and shortcomings of others as something I can abuse to feel “more capable”, “more mature”, “more evolved”. Thus I do not want provide others actual support but just to comfort – and to comfort is to accept and allow another to be the way they are, to tell them they are “fine” the way they are, without ever addressing what they'd actually need to work on in themselves. Especially when I happen to see clearly what another is going through (or believe so) it is my responsibility to not let it slip by. Even if I was trying to actually support another but would be doing it from the starting point of self-elevation, I would be doing more harm than good.

So there's the side of practicality: if I at this moment can share my experience with another in a supportive and assisting way, so be it. If there is an actual need I will do what I can to practically help. This is what is required of us people, to be watchful of each other so that no one is abandoned in times of need, and I commit myself to practice being HERE in awareness so that I do not sleepwalk through the moments where action is required.

Then there's the side of non-practicality: not actually helping. This is when emotions/feelings/thoughts are wallowed in, when there's nothing but gossip and going along with the moods of another without question. This kind of interaction leads to nothing but stagnation as we accept and allow each other to live within our unresolved issues and repeat our patterns ad infinitum. This is not to nurture; this is not to support; this is actually to act against life.

And thus I commit myself to no longer use the weaknesses of others for my self-elevation – so that I could feel like a “saviour” - as I see, realize and understand that what really matters are the actual needs of others that I either can or cannot be of assistance in. This practicality of how I can help and if I can help is also important to consider: sometimes there are situations where I cannot do a thing, and that's when I cannot force myself to act as if I am helping or force myself to come up with some way to help simply because I want the status points for being a “helper”. That's when I need to direct the one in need towards someone/something I believe could maybe be of real assistance. I need to learn to let go of my ego in situations like this. I cannot help everyone – yet I am able to affect the well-being of everyone by living myself into a best possible human being who will build this world and not destroy it. This is what my focus needs to be in: myself.

An interesting facet of this is how I have manifested this within romantic relationships and how I have created relationships based on this point – which has obviously led to the relationship falling apart. When I have not been the needy/clingy/dependent one – the beggar – I have been “the helper” who “saves” helpless people from whatever pit they're lying in. This desire has lingered ever since my teenage years and is triggered every now and then, and it is fundamentally connected to my fear of men.

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