10032013
A friend got an opportunity via his
school to get into a situation where he competed with hundreds of
others for a diploma in acting which is internationally accepted as a
sign of qualification. He was one of the five people that were
granted the diploma – out of a thousand applicants. In the final
evaluation phase he had met a jury consisting of Hollywood's A-list
movie directors.
Now, as I heard this I was very happy
for him and proud of him. But as this feeling of “I'm so proud of
him / happy for him” continued, I asked myself why I wanted to hold
onto an experience of success that wasn't mine – I was living
through another adopting his victory as mine through sympathy – and
I realized that I was jealous for never having such an opportunity
myself and feeling that I had “lost” something and was turning my
back on stuff I really wanted.
I've had an intense and a
nerve-wrecking period of a few months where I have been going through
my relationship to theatre, the position/role of theatre in society,
the function of theatre as a tool and what I would like to do
with(in) theatre; what do I see to hold enough relevance to be
“worthy” of my limited time and effort.
One thing I have especially had trouble
with is my relationship towards the future dreams I have created for
myself, because I am at war with everything I have programmed myself
to strive towards. This has been good because I have had a chance to
re-evaluate the choices I have made in my childhood and teens, but
now I'm no longer able to tell head from tail as I have no idea
whether I'm suppressing my ”true self” or simply facing the
unavoidable resistance towards change.
When I was a teen all of my friends and
family thought that I would become a famous and successful
actor/singer and they encouraged me to do so. I disagreed. I told
them I wanted to keep art as a hobby and do something else for a
living (around that time I wanted to be a journalist). I remember
already then feeling the dishonesty I spoke these words through – I
just didn't have the tools nor the will to face it then – which
means that I have suppressed my desire to be a famous and successful
actor/singer ever since teenage, if not longer.
When I was a child (9-10) we had a
“band” with my friends and we would dream about fame and glory.
We never got any music done even though I composed songs, because we
didn't really know how to play, and so all we ever did was dream and
fantasize. So back the I was not yet ashamed of my desire to be
famous/successful.
I have memories of situations where I
have learned what amounts of work becoming famous would actually
require, not to mention money and luck, and I remember seeing myself
“unable” to do all this work. For example, I was watching an
artist perform on stage in the TV (Britney Spears on one of her world
tours) and my mother told me that in order to dance and sing like
that simultaneously I would really need to exercise more. This was
her way of trying to motivate me to exercise, which I was really
reluctant to do – and instead of deciding “So that's what it
takes? Yes, I'll do it!” I thought that it was too much effort,
that I could not do it, and that I would thus have to give up on my
dreams.
So as I have suppressed this desire
with the belief that being a pro would be too demanding – that “I
don't have what it takes” - now that I have shown myself that I am
actually capable of the hard work (as it is but simple acts of
consistency) the desire re-surfaces because now I see that “I do
have what it takes”. As I have suppressed it for years and years
the accumulation makes it more and more intense and all the more
difficult to face without plunging head-first into the desire and
going along with the current.
11032013
As I am now here the experience of the
desire has faded and I see that it was in fact not real. It only
appears every now and then and when it does I participate in it fully
– when the desire is triggered (usually through jealousy) I
instantly cross over some threshold of acceptance and allowance. I
haven't yet seen how exactly this happens.
There's a lot more to deal with in my
relationship towards theatre and I have laid out an outline of
specific questions I need to answer to myself. I will share the
process thereof. Now I will focus on what I have written here about
dreams, self-image and future projections.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to create a future image of myself
based on the idols I admired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to decide what/who I will be in the
future as it was encouraged to find a “calling” for oneself (a
profession, a passion, a career) – not realizing that once I have
already decided what/who I will be in some future moment I will no
longer be here participating in each and every moment of breath
preceding that future moment, not making decisions based on that
which is HERE but blindly aiming to a goal that I set based on things
I had only seen others do but which I had never done myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to admire the artists I listened to on
CD's, watched in the TV and saw in magazines because I believed my
interpretation of what their lives were like which I made based on
what the media told me – not realizing that this was never the full
story of the lives these people actually lived.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to perceive and believe that the
artists I admired lived a life of glamour, fun, enjoyment and “being
loved” because this is how I interpreted what was shown of their
lives in the media – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to create a desire to have this kind of a life for
myself because I perceived myself to lack all of that which made
their lives so wonderful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to create a desire to be famous because
I perceived and believed that famous people were accepted,
appreciated, admired and loved and saw myself to lack all this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hold on to the perception that I am not
accepted, appreciated, admired or “loved” as I have held onto the
desire to be famous so that I could reach all this – not realizing
that all the acceptance I need is right HERE within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to perceive and believe that I was not
“loved” for who I was. [How this came about, I don't know – but
I think this has been a fundamental point in all of my early
childhood development that has contributed to my personality creation
process.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to become
“more” than who I am (who I perceive myself to be) to gain/win
acceptance from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to plan out my future in my childhood and teenage
years and to follow this plan unquestioned in my adult life as I have
believed that this is my “path” as my “calling” which I need
to follow to fulfill my “purpose” - not realizing that I am
living out a story in which I play the lead and NOT actually living a
life in the physical as breath where my every move isn't dictated by
what I have decided years and years in the past but where my movement
is decided and directed HERE based on that which is here now and not
based on that which was in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the beautiful lie that everyone has a
path set out for them to follow in life, not realizing that living
according to this belief limits one from seeing all the numerous
possibilities present in each and every moment as one only sees the
possibilities that serve the story one is living as “the path”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am limited to the skills I gathered
as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself based on the skills I have
gathered as a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only the skills
gathered as a child have any relevance because they have been learned
during a period of time when learning new skills is fast, efficient
and effortless – not realizing that even though learning gets
slower and more difficult as one ages the skills learned with more
strain and effort are of relevance as well because they are what's
here now as one is able to re-create oneself for as long as one is
alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that because I learned to
sing, dance and act at an early age these are the primary skills I
should devote my time, effort and passion to because I have learned
them during a time when I defined and refined my self-image to fit
into the society in which people live as stories within their minds
instead of as physical beings with a mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to want to be a celebrity because they
got to perform for large audiences, wear fun clothes, travel around
the world, pose for photographs and do all the fun singing and
dancing that I too enjoyed and get money for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the artists I admired were
living a life of fun at the expense of others as I did not see the
big picture of why there are celebrities, what they represent, what
their function in the world system is and how all of that show is
funded.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question the position of celebrities as
those who “get to” have fun all the time (or at least present a
life of fun) as opposed to those who have “normal” lives as I did
not see the separation and inequality here because of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be famous for the sake of being famous
without taking into consideration what the disempowering consequences
are of having a world system where a chosen few are elevated for
others to admire (to compare themselves to) within the thoughts “I
could never do that” / “they must be something special”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see the elitism in being entitled to a
profession that serves no concrete purpose but only that of
self-interest and “inspiring others” to do the concrete stuff so
that I wouldn't have to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that those who have
certain skills are entitled to a profession of self-interest as I
have been at the winning end of this deal as I have been lucky enough
to gather these skills in my childhood.
I commit myself to create my future
based on that which is HERE as I see, realize and understand that
everything in this reality is in constant flux and that thus
everything that is not here (but instead in the past/future) is not a valid basis
for decisions as they do not in fact exist anymore/yet.
I commit myself to expand my skills and
consequently myself by taking on new challenges outside of my comfort
zone as well as refining the skills I already have, as I see, realize
and understand that there are no limits to how much a person can do and
learn other than those of practical reasons (such as time and aging).
I commit myself to realize that fame in
itself has no other value than that of practical value – when one
is widely known one is widely heard and seen, and this is a position
of great responsibility not to be abused.
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