01-02032013
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| a self-caricature: "What do you mean, 'aren't you tired'?!" |
Yesterday I had had somewhat of an
intense day when in the evening four hours before my usual bed time
my body shut down and refused to move anymore. A pain had been
accumulating in my left shoulder, and once the pain spread out into
my left ear and a burdensome fatigue arose I realized I have to stop.
I was completely surprised by this, because to me my day had seemed
pretty usual: work in the morning, studies and writing in the
afternoon, more work in the evening – and I hadn't even had to
leave the house so my environment had been peaceful and ordinary. So
I laid myself down and allowed myself to just stop, and when I had
actually stopped and felt my physical stabilizing itself as I focused
onto my breath and let go of my tasks (all the physical pain
disappeared within minutes) I realized I hadn't really allowed myself
to stop in a long while.
I have been very busy and had a lot to
do in a short period of time. So my daily, weekly and monthly
schedule has been pretty much the same for the past two months, ever
since this year begun. I'm realizing this routine is taking a toll on
me. I feel like I'm running in a hamster wheel with no escape even
though I know this will end relatively soon – the treat of freedom
waiting for me at the end of this narrow tunnel just isn't enough of
a motivator for me to squeeze through. I'm halfway there and I'm
getting hopeless because I don't look at all the things I have
actually gotten done and instead mull over the list of things I still
need to do. I crave for entertainment, rest, relaxation, sex,
intimacy, socializing, food, sugar, sleeping – any and all the
things I find relaxing and enjoyable - more than ever because I am
not allowing myself any. I'm eating myself up with no rewards –
like a slave working with whippings in place of sleep.
I realize this dramatized view I'm
living as is the cause of me resisting my tasks, which is why I crave
for release to balance things off. There is resistance because the
things I need to do are not the things I would want to do. I tell
myself “I don't want to do this” as I work and create obstacles
where there aren't any. Why do I do this even though I know it will
only make working harder and slower?
So last night and today I've been
giving myself a break by resting when possible and when it seems like
I need it. I've tried to return myself to only concerning myself with
those tasks that are at hand and setting aside those that aren't.
This has allowed me to focus more on what I'm doing as I'm not
stressing about everything else. I used to have backchat about rest
where I would debate whether it's necessary or not, but now it's been
gone for a while. Maybe it's about realizing the difference between
wanting to rest and actually requiring rest, as when I create a
thought about resting and the desire to rest I am already acting upon
mind energy even though the original impulse to rest would have been
real, because I then also create the polarity: fear of not resting /
resistance to continuing work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop and listen to my physical body when it
tells me it requires rest – rest here meaning perhaps just
stopping, breathing and lying down for a while.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refuse to rest because I have a lot of work to
do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to compromise my health by not stopping to listen
to the requirements of my physical body, continuing to move feeding
off on mind energy, not realizing the consequences of this in the
long run are devastating to my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to keep myself running on mind energy even though
my physical requires rest because I have a lot of work to be done,
not realizing that as I feed myself with mind energy as thoughts that
keep me going – “you have to do this”, “a little more and
then we're done”, “you can't stop here”, “you've got to
finish this”, “you could spend this moment more usefully”, “I
can't waste my time with this” - I am eating off of my own flesh
and thus the quality of my work will suffer as well as I am not
working from within a healthy body that is able to live up to its
full potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to pose demands, threats and manipulation to
myself within my thoughts, not realizing that this is not supportive
at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that when I push myself to work using
my thoughts I get things done more efficiently, not realizing that
real efficiency is when the engine runs smoothly and well-greased, in
other words, when there is no resistance and only pure movement and
thus no pushing required.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not face and direct my resistance concerning
the tasks I don't want to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to work out of the sense of duty because the
things I don't want to do are things I have promised to do months ago
and because we are in a situation where I cannot leave my tasks
without tens of people suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hold the suffering of others as a motivator
because it is something I fear and will move to keep away from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if I fail my tasks or drop them
completely the people that would carry the consequences would resent,
hate, despise and bad-mouth me and be very angry and disappointed
with me and that I would be alienated from these people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear to express my will to no longer take on
more tasks like this and instead focus on what I actually find
relevant because I fear I will face anger and all sorts of forms of
aggression springing from it, as well as manipulation, passing guilt
and blame and all other tactics that have already been used on me and
on others by these people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the manipulation attempts of another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the reactions of another to my self-honest
self-expression, this implying I am not certain in what I express –
I am not certain in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take the reactions of another personally
because she blames them on others so assertively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect another to react in the way I have seen
her react before and prepare myself accordingly, not realizing that
no matter the likelihood I cannot know what will happen in the future
as everything is created HERE in the moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I can affect the outcome of
the situation by focusing on myself, my stance and my starting point
and by trusting myself to be able to communicate with another in a
way that aims to solve any and all conflicts – that I do have
directive power over the interaction even though I don't have all of
it.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire positive experiences as energy to
balance off the stress I experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my desire is justified because I
stress, not realizing that here I am blaming the stress on someone
else (the ones I am working for / the world / my ambition and honor
as entities) instead of carrying responsibility for creating the
stress myself, which invalidates the justification.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame my stress on theatre because I am working
on big, time-consuming projects for the theatre.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame my stress on the world for “demanding
too much of me” because I “have to” work at a paid job which I
find a waste of time when I'd have “more important” unpaid stuff
to do – not realizing that even though this world system of paid
slavery really sucks it is my system and that if I want it to change
I've got to work to change it myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to excuse and justify my stress by thinking of
myself as an honorable person who keeps her promises, glorifying my
suffering while also separating myself from myself as the creator of
the stress and the one who has the power to stop the stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give into my desires when I have accumulated
them for long enough and see them to be justified because of my great
suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire for external comfort when I am in
internal turmoil, not realizing that the only way to bring about
lasting change is by stabilizing myself into a platform of
self-comfort, self-support and self-assistance – not by treating
the symptoms and ignoring the cause.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to accumulate my stress for such a long time that
I create and fulfill desires in order to deal with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop to address my stress sooner.
I commit myself to return myself to
breath whenever I notice I am not breathing by taking a deep breath,
stopping to explore my breath as it moves my body, enjoying the
moment of nothing but breathing, realizing why breathing is
supportive, forgiving myself for falling out of breath and carrying
on with whatever I was doing.
I commit myself to stop myself
completely when I would least want to, as this resistance to stop is
the indication that I am not moving as breath but as the mind, and to
explore what this act of stopping brings about.
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