15-16032013
I re-read what I had written yesterday
and I realized that the reason I plan certain interactions beforehand
is because I fear conflict, which I then justify with efficiency. I
saw this as I had another look at the situations I had faced
yesterday and realized I had been terrified of all of them (three in
one day) and used planning as a survival mechanism where I design and
decide how things will go so that I won't have to be scared anymore
and am able to feel calm.
I see this is a form of social anxiety;
just a well hidden one as I have come up with such justifications
that generally sound credible. I've recently been faced with a
customer at work who always uses a certain tone of voice and certain
phrases when speaking to me no matter how I am within the situation –
as if he is acting a scene without/despite the other actor – and at
first I was irritated by this and did not participate in his
“customer service script” on purpose because I wanted to provoke
him to snap out of it, but now I see that his behavior is of course
born out of fear – following the same pattern because something in
the situation seems frightening/threatening – and I realize that I
in fact do the exact same thing if not in the exact same situation.
So I cannot blame another for “behaving stupidly” when I haven't
carried responsibility for the point myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a format (survival strategy) into my
mind according to a previous experience/situation and to then utilize
this format to every situation that resembles it by associating and
comparing the format to the new situation at hand and then creating
expectations and making plans based on this – not realizing that as
I accept and allow myself to create expectations based on previous
experiences I have already decided how the current moment will go
without ever even standing within the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make plans based on previous experiences, not
realizing that every situation is in fact new and not connected to
the previous moment unless I decide to hold on to the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to plan the future based on the past, not
realizing that as I do so I am never in the present as I am either
reflecting on the past or projecting to the future as I plan and
assess, plan and assess, plan and assess in an endless loop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that neither the past nor the
future are really HERE and that therefore they do not in fact exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make decisions based on something that does not
exist anymore/yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to plan future situations in an attempt to avoid
conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear conflicts because I do not trust myself to
be able to solve them and thus would rather plan the situations
beforehand to ensure success / minimize the risk of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to solve conflict
situations. [This point keeps reoccurring and I have a hunch there's
something related to this in my past I haven't looked at.]
--
I took one of the interactions from
yesterday as an example to show just how much shit went unnoticed:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I was going to the employment office,
to fear I would be rejected and denied of the benefit I was applying
for; to fear that I will end up without an income; to fear that I
will be left with no support; to fear I would not survive; to fear
failure and death – all of this as worst-case scenarios I believed,
didn't deal with and left boiling under the surface - and to try and
survive this by overriding the worst-case scenarios with “best-case
scenarios” aka my plans where everything goes like I want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my plans are in fact the
energetic polarity of my worst-case scenarios.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will be left without an income because I
do not trust myself to survive without the safety net that is the
social benefit system of this country.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will be denied the help my country's
social welfare system provides even though I know I qualify for it,
because the decision is in the hands of invisible officials whom I
cannot meet face to face and explain my situation to as human to
human.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust the facts that the invisible
officials read from paper to be enough for them to “understand”
my situation as I fear something will be “misunderstood” – not
realizing that if the facts are presented well enough, they are the
only factors these people should in fact consider, because everything
else is based on emotions/feelings and isn't a valid qualification
for anything.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied social welfare because I am doing something considered “fun” (traveling) while unemployed.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be judged for doing something “fun” while unemployed because from my perspective the system “demands” that I'll be actively looking for jobs while unemployed instead of “having fun”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system expects me to do something “not fun” - dreary, dull, anxious, suffocating, hard, vexing, difficult, compromising – simply because I perceive looking for jobs to be this way, not realizing that looking for jobs only has all of these negative qualities once I assign them and that the system only asks for the action itself, not the associated emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust the system because of previous
experiences with the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a distrust towards the system based on
previous experiences where I have perceived the system to have
“failed me”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to approach the system of social welfare with
caution and disbelief because of previous experiences and the
resulting belief that it does not serve the benefit of those who need
it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that this belief is a result of how
I have viewed the previous experiences through self-interest,
disappointment and fear and that therefore it does not consider what
actually happened.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I approach the system
through caution and disbelief I also approach the people I face
within the system with caution and disbelief and that all of this
affects the interaction I have with these people because my starting
point is not clear, I am not facing them as equals and I already have
a buttload of expectations about them and the system they “serve”.
--
When and as I notice myself planning
for future situations, I stop, I breathe and I realize that the plan
is the energetic polarity of the related worst-case scenario which I
haven't looked at, and that I am creating the plan to balance off the
negative energy. I then look at my situation and find the worst-case
scenario(s) that I'm directed by and face it in self-honesty by asking
myself “why do I fear this”. I then re-assess my plans to see if
any of them is actually necessary, and if not, I let them go through
the realization that the plans were created through a positive energy
charge and thus cannot be trusted.
Thus, I commit myself to face any and
all moments as they come without unnecessary planning by stabilizing
myself in breath and returning myself to breath whenever I notice
myself to have fallen out of breath.
Also, I commit myself to show myself I
am in fact able to live through moments without planning by
challenging myself to live as breath and to push through the
resistance to do so - and to with this build trust in myself that I
am in fact able to face whatever comes in each and every moment
within and as breath according to what is actually here.
When and as I face a moment of
resistance when trying to live as breath without planning – I stop,
I breathe and I realize I am escaping a window of opportunity. I
remind myself that real change occurs only outside of our comfort
zones. I stabilize and slow myself down with breath, and one small
movement at a time, one word at a time, one breath at a time I move
myself through the resistance because I know it will lead to change,
one way or another, and that I can in fact trust myself to carry
myself no matter the consequences.
I commit myself to investigate more the
topic of my distrust towards the society and the system of social
welfare as I see and realize that there are a lot of things there I
have not faced.
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