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Today I have been doing extensive
private writings on attraction points and relationships of abuse. I
will not share them in detail because they consider multiple people
other than myself, and I will keep on doing this private writing for
some time now because I have decided to sort these certain points
with certain people out and to be absolutely steadfast, consistent
and self-honest about it. I've gone around these issues for way too
long – from here no further. I have invested in some parts of the
Relationship Success -series and so far I have found them supportive.
So I was wondering to myself what I
could share of this part of my process in public as I haven't really
come to any major conclusions yet. In my writings I came across an
interesting point concerning the desire to have a strong man be
gentle with me:
“The image of me turning someone
violent into someone gentle – as if I could take any credit for
this – is one I associate with words “loving”, “adoring”,
“bringing out the best of another”. It's bringing out the
feminine in the masculine – turning something fearsome into
something approachable, lovable, tame, kind, more human. Maybe that's
one thing we are here to do for each other: to bring out the
gentleness in those who have lost it – as well as to bring out the
assertiveness in those who have lost it. Support across the genders
is here, I guess, most valid and necessary and perhaps the entire
point.”
So here I associate “strength” with
the capability for violence, which in itself is fascinating and
another facet in how I have separated myself from the male gender as
humans as LIFE simply because we come in a different packaging. In a
more general level I realized that this point of cross-gender support
– male supporting the female to develop masculine qualities and the
female supporting the male to develop feminine qualities instead of
the usual routine of men being limited to masculine and women being
limited to feminine and this being accepted and allowed as “natural”
- I have never truly lived out, as I have always wanted to escape to
my feminine helplessness and passiveness, never learning how to be
assertive and active. No better time to learn than now!
Will continue tomorrow.
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