Days 188-189: I am insecurity

28032013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 187: Who am I

Today I have born the question “who am I”. I have had a bit more success with practical application, as if there's been a re-commitment; for example, at work I focused mainly on practical things such as establishing eye contact with customers (insecurity issues) and investigating my posture and step (physical imbalance).

But the first part of the reply to my question (which I presented to myself in yesterday's post) I found when I was discussing with my sister. We shared and cross-referenced a lot of things about our past, our childhood, our parents and so forth – and what I realized properly for the first time today was that me and my sister have both inherited our issue with insecurity from our mother. It has manifested in both in individual ways, and it's not the same in our mother as it is in us, but it is nevertheless traceable to the exact same source in our childhood environment. Today I realized I am no different from my sister; I realized this is a learned issue; and I was able to say “I am insecure” to another human being – I was able to admit it, confess to it, to stand as myself with all my flaws. “This is who I am; I am insecure.”

It was a relief to realize that unlike the claim of the common dogmas of psychology I was not born with a temperament – that I was not “born insecure” - but that I have indeed learned this from my surroundings as I can cross-reference with others who grew up in the exact same environment. Knowing this I feel much lighter admitting to the issue, because what has been learned can be unlearned, and I am darn right going to.

And this brings me to another moment where I stated “who I am”. I told my sister that for me the goal of all this processing is to eventually implement actual practical change, because I see that these patterns I have been living as are of destructive nature as they will eventually hurt me and/or others and that there is thus no point to keep living as them – I wanted to make sure she doesn't misinterpret me to mean that one ought to “accept oneself as who one is” by remaining in the same state for the rest of one's life – and thus I stood up and spoke the words as myself because anything else would have been self-compromise.

So today as a response to the question “who am I” I mapped out my profound issue with insecurity and located a clear point of self-direction. Awesome.

(I fell asleep while I was doing the SF (lol) so I continued with it today (29032013))

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to others that I am insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing my insecurity to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to being insecure because I thought this would affect the confident image I present of myself to others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as confident even though I am not – not to belittle the confidence I do have in some aspects, but to say “I am confident” is mostly a lie because at the very core of myself I am like a frightened child.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an image of confidence instead of actually building confidence in myself, thinking that it's “enough” to present an image and cover up my underlying issues.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my insecurity issues and cover them up with personalities and characters that were “confident”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as confident because then others would reward me with respect (higher status and authority).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the group mentality where those who appear confident are given power by accepting the power and allowing the disempowerment of others for my elevation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable by being open about my “weaknesses”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my issues with myself to be “weaknesses”, the word “weakness” containing a negative charge, when in fact my issues do not hold a negative or a positive value in themselves as they are simply the reality that is here to be worked with as they are the consequence of how I have lived my life thus far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing my issues to others because they reveal how I have lived my life thus far as I have been ashamed of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children are born with pre-conceived personalities and temperaments that cannot be changed because “this is who we are in essence” - believing that we are our personalities – when in fact we are born as somewhat empty slates (genes play some part but they alone do not determine behavior and cognition).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility (response-ability) over who I have accepted and allowed myself to become by believing “who I am” to have been determined and set in stone at birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as helplessness by believing that my insecurity is an eternal part of “who I am” - my personality/temperament – and believing it cannot be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining insecure by creating images, personalities and characters into which it “fits nicely” (mostly related to spiritualism).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support myself to live as insecurity by associating myself with people who allow me to be insecure with no intervention.

I commit myself to experiment with admitting my insecurity to others (when this bears a purpose) and seeing how this affects the interaction.

I commit myself to associate myself more with people who challenge my insecurity and do not excuse it.

I commit myself to no longer justify my insecurity as I see, realize and understand that insecurity is to live as less than who I am and that this self-disempowerment is never justified under any circumstances.

I commit myself to walk myself through my insecurity point by point for as long as it takes until it's done – until I stand here as breath and nothing else.