Day 190: Practical changes in daily schedule

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I am now reviewing and re-planning my daily schedule and I have planned an outline for how I am going to change my practical daily routine to support me in the best possible way. I am currently in the process of changing my focus from work and hobbies into studying and replacing entertainment / other stuff I'm letting go with activities that actually support me, such as exercise and socializing.

The outline I laid out is as follows:

• 6 hrs sleep (currently from around 12am-6am)
• 1 hrs yoga, or other form of exercise (walking, jogging, dancing etc.)
• 1 hr breakfast and news (newspaper/news websites, e-mail, social networks)
• 3 hrs study/work
• 1 hr household work and lunch (off the computer)
• 3 hrs study/work
• 1 hr exercise/outdoors (possibly shopping groceries)
• 1 hr cooking and eating dinner
• 3 hrs study/work
• 2 hrs daily writing
• 2 hrs undefined leisure time (off the computer if possible)

Note: the contents of the study/work phases may vary and they may also include daily writing – I'm going to have to test this and re-shape it once I see how it works.

I'm going to have to test whether this schedule actually functions or not, and this is going to take a while because I will not be able to fully step into it yet. I still have my day job, unfinished projects and a 3-month trip in Asia/Oceania coming up, and I will be able to fully transfer myself into this schedule once I return from my trip in August. But I am able to test parts of this and try this out for a little while before I fly off, and I will also be able to hold on to parts of it while I travel.

Why I find it important to have a daily schedule laid out like this is that it supports me to remember all that there is to be done, plus it functions as practical physical support. I have to reserve time for nutrition, exercise and sleep, as well as socializing – yet none of these may take any more time than necessary because that would be over-indulgence which is based on self-interest. It is simply not practical to eat dinner for three hours, lol, daydreaming with each bite.

I need to be strict about the study/work phases to see that I actually dedicate enough time for it and make effective use of it. I am currently applying to study education sciences in the university of my home town, and when/if I get in the studies there will determine some of my schedule and also assist me in being steadfast and consistent about my studies. (Quite awesome to see that the schedules of a school are there to actually support me to get stuff done and not to bully me. Lol.)

I am probably also going to have to work while I study to support myself financially. The social welfare money that is paid for students is barely enough to cover my rent and living expenses, and so if I want to eat something besides spaghetti I need to work part-time – and I am cool with that as long as it doesn't take too much time out of my studies. If I could get a job from the field of education that would also serve to benefit my studies.

If I do not get into university I am going to have to mainly work to support myself, but I still intend to work less than before and dedicate my time to independent studying.

--

So, now to review how I have tested out my schedule today. I woke up after six hours of sleep before my alarm went off, and this made me satisfied because I have been unsure about whether my sleeping schedule is working out or not.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sleeping routine is not working out because I have faced criticism and doubt when talking about it to others and started to doubt it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my sleeping routine and formulate backchat, thoughts and worst-case scenarios (“what if I'm wrong?”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sleeping routine would prove ineffective because that would mean I could not keep my current routine which I have found effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and worry that my sleep routine might be ineffective without looking at how it actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear questioning my sleeping routine and testing it out again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to my sleep routine because it allows me more waking hours in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value other than practical to my sleeping routine as I have glorified it to be a “time-saver”, this including the word “saviour” which would imply that I'm not the one doing the work (getting myself out of bed / into bed) but that some outside force is “saving me” from too much sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view my sleeping routine as simply a practical part of my daily routine which supports my daily living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have slept for more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I have slept for more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgement/guilt the first thing in the morning when waking up, not realizing how much this negative starting point affects the upcoming day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be effective and sleep as little as possible and thus get disappointed each time I sleep “too much” (more than 6 hours) – not realizing that my body requires what it requires and that the requirement is a result of how I have lived the preceding day.

--

I commit myself to carry responsibility for myself and my physical well-being by allowing myself enough sleep and reserving time for sleeping, and also by getting myself out of bed when it is time to wake up and start a new day (alarm goes off / I wake up naturally) to prevent sleeping too much which is but to escape one's life and responsibility as a living being.

I commit myself to be flexible about my sleeping routine, not participating in any judgement/guilt that comes up when I sleep a bit more than my usual 6 hours, as I see, realize and understand that sometimes my body requires more rest when it has been under more strain (a lot of work and/or exercise or if I am sick/injured).

I commit myself to review my sleeping schedule from time to time and to adjust it when/if necessary.

--

After I woke up (7am) I got out of bed with my feeling of satisfaction and I went on to make tea. I then noticed that I was not yet hungry, as I rarely am as soon as I wake up, and I remembered that I had made a decision to start doing yoga every morning before breakfast because it has to be done with an empty stomach and serves as an awesome wake-up. I remembered I can't do yoga now because I am menstruating, but then I realized that I might as well replace the yoga with some other physical activity, and I put on some clothes and had a walk outside. I didn't walk for one hour today but only 20 minutes or so, but I'll start off with that.

When I was walking I wasn't really here. I was already planning on writing out this schedule and how “cool” this act to exercise in the morning would sound in it – “I'm so effective, yes, now I'm doing it, this is it, this is how it should be done” - lol, and I was just completely ignoring everything around me and had no idea where I was even walking because I was so caught up in the thoughts that came up after I had decided to have a walk.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise because it would look good in my schedule – like a trophy of effectiveness that proves I am active and alive and “doing it!” and all that shit. (lol)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise from an unclear starting point and thus miss the whole point of exercise, which is (when walking outdoors) to breathe deep and get fresh air, get my body moving and warmed up, and to take notice of my surroundings and interact with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to my surroundings while walking outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe with all of my lungs while walking outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on the movement of my body when walking outside but instead walk around on autopilot which does not serve as the best possible warm-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on what I am doing and instead think about what I'll do afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on my morning exercise and to do it from the starting point of waking up, getting air, moving and interacting, and that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to exercise from the starting point of wanting to look good in the eyes of others and polishing my self-image.

--

I commit myself to clear my starting point with self-forgiveness every morning before I exercise to ensure I get the most out of it.

I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving and awareness of my surroundings while walking outside and I commit myself to take note of whatever resistances, thoughts or backchat arise to waver my focus.

--

Once I was finished with breakfast & news I moved onto sewing for the theatre project that we are currently busy with. I am working on a really difficult fabric the handling of which requires a lot of time, patience and skill, and I after about an hour of work I noticed frustration towards the fabric because the difficulties were taking a lot of time.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated at the fabric for “being difficult” and “making things harder”, not realizing that this fabric is what it is and that this is the reality with which I need to work with – this fabric is not going to “get easier” with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a quicker way of doing the work, not realizing that straightening out the fabric is necessary before I can measure and cut it, and that the nature of the fabric is such that it takes a lot of time – there simply is no detour – the only way to make my work more efficient is to practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about taking “too much time” on working with straightening the fabric – not realizing that this is the task I am facing and that this part of it will require plenty of time – and that I am thus not taking “too much time” on it but the exact amount of time it requires.

--

I commit myself to breathe while I work and focus on the task ahead of me, and when and as my mind intervenes with thoughts, fears, doubts and backchat, I commit myself to stop, breathe, sort the arising points out with self-forgiveness and continue with my work.

I commit myself to give myself the time I need for the work I am doing, as I see and realize that the work will take the exact time it requires for it to be practically possible.

--

I'll continue writing about these practical changes as I walk myself through them.

Days 188-189: I am insecurity

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This post is a continuation to:

Day 187: Who am I

Today I have born the question “who am I”. I have had a bit more success with practical application, as if there's been a re-commitment; for example, at work I focused mainly on practical things such as establishing eye contact with customers (insecurity issues) and investigating my posture and step (physical imbalance).

But the first part of the reply to my question (which I presented to myself in yesterday's post) I found when I was discussing with my sister. We shared and cross-referenced a lot of things about our past, our childhood, our parents and so forth – and what I realized properly for the first time today was that me and my sister have both inherited our issue with insecurity from our mother. It has manifested in both in individual ways, and it's not the same in our mother as it is in us, but it is nevertheless traceable to the exact same source in our childhood environment. Today I realized I am no different from my sister; I realized this is a learned issue; and I was able to say “I am insecure” to another human being – I was able to admit it, confess to it, to stand as myself with all my flaws. “This is who I am; I am insecure.”

It was a relief to realize that unlike the claim of the common dogmas of psychology I was not born with a temperament – that I was not “born insecure” - but that I have indeed learned this from my surroundings as I can cross-reference with others who grew up in the exact same environment. Knowing this I feel much lighter admitting to the issue, because what has been learned can be unlearned, and I am darn right going to.

And this brings me to another moment where I stated “who I am”. I told my sister that for me the goal of all this processing is to eventually implement actual practical change, because I see that these patterns I have been living as are of destructive nature as they will eventually hurt me and/or others and that there is thus no point to keep living as them – I wanted to make sure she doesn't misinterpret me to mean that one ought to “accept oneself as who one is” by remaining in the same state for the rest of one's life – and thus I stood up and spoke the words as myself because anything else would have been self-compromise.

So today as a response to the question “who am I” I mapped out my profound issue with insecurity and located a clear point of self-direction. Awesome.

(I fell asleep while I was doing the SF (lol) so I continued with it today (29032013))

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to others that I am insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing my insecurity to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting to being insecure because I thought this would affect the confident image I present of myself to others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as confident even though I am not – not to belittle the confidence I do have in some aspects, but to say “I am confident” is mostly a lie because at the very core of myself I am like a frightened child.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an image of confidence instead of actually building confidence in myself, thinking that it's “enough” to present an image and cover up my underlying issues.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my insecurity issues and cover them up with personalities and characters that were “confident”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as confident because then others would reward me with respect (higher status and authority).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the group mentality where those who appear confident are given power by accepting the power and allowing the disempowerment of others for my elevation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable by being open about my “weaknesses”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my issues with myself to be “weaknesses”, the word “weakness” containing a negative charge, when in fact my issues do not hold a negative or a positive value in themselves as they are simply the reality that is here to be worked with as they are the consequence of how I have lived my life thus far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing my issues to others because they reveal how I have lived my life thus far as I have been ashamed of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that children are born with pre-conceived personalities and temperaments that cannot be changed because “this is who we are in essence” - believing that we are our personalities – when in fact we are born as somewhat empty slates (genes play some part but they alone do not determine behavior and cognition).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility (response-ability) over who I have accepted and allowed myself to become by believing “who I am” to have been determined and set in stone at birth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as helplessness by believing that my insecurity is an eternal part of “who I am” - my personality/temperament – and believing it cannot be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining insecure by creating images, personalities and characters into which it “fits nicely” (mostly related to spiritualism).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support myself to live as insecurity by associating myself with people who allow me to be insecure with no intervention.

I commit myself to experiment with admitting my insecurity to others (when this bears a purpose) and seeing how this affects the interaction.

I commit myself to associate myself more with people who challenge my insecurity and do not excuse it.

I commit myself to no longer justify my insecurity as I see, realize and understand that insecurity is to live as less than who I am and that this self-disempowerment is never justified under any circumstances.

I commit myself to walk myself through my insecurity point by point for as long as it takes until it's done – until I stand here as breath and nothing else.

Day 187: Who am I

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I used to take pictures of myself (more specifically my face) all the time. This is a habit that began in my late teens, around the age 16 or so, when I got into photography. I would take tens of pictures of myself in different lightings, surroundings, accessories, clothing, hairdo's etc. in order to find a “perfect shot” where I would look good in whatever way I desired. Sometimes I've wanted to look depressed and beaten, sometimes happy and sunny, sometimes cool and distant, sometimes powerful, sometimes sweet – whatever image I have wanted to paint of myself.

I realize I have done this as a way of reinforcing my self-image. I have picked whatever character I have wanted to live as and taken pictures to convince myself and others I am in fact like the character. I have lived majorly through images by shaping my self-image in my mind according to how my face looks (in pictures, mirrors etc), in both good and bad.

About a year ago I stopped taking pictures of myself. I would still enjoy looking at pictures others had taken of me and choosing which ones to share; all the while I browse images of myself I am completely blind to anything but the question “how do I look”.

So today I picked up my camera and took some pictures of myself for the first time in a year. This was an experiment I had not planned to see what happens. I first noticed that I didn't really know how to pose anymore, and when I tried to the images looked stiff and faked. I guess one has to believe in it for it to look convincing, lol.

The second thing I noticed while looking at some of the first pictures I took was that I looked really tired in the pictures even though I didn't feel like it (I may have been though as I'd had a long day up until then).

Then I took a picture that for once didn't look faked – and I didn't recognize myself from it. I looked at the picture of my face and I thought: “Is this what I look like? Is this me?” Of course lighting and stuff can do a lot to alter the resulting photo, but nevertheless what I realized in that moment was that I had become disconnected from the self-perception that used to define me according to images because ever since the last time I have used specific images to define me I have changed a lot – and it's not just that my hair has gotten longer.

But when I looked at it practically, I had to admit that no matter how distant that image felt to me, it was in fact a snapshot of who I was in that heartbeat – and that if I felt disconnected from the image I was seeing, I was also disconnected from my very self.

And then I realized this links to another subject I have been thinking about today, which is self-suppression.

Lately I have noticed myself suppressing myself a lot. It may be that I have had a “down period” where my practical application is slackier than usual, or it may be that I am becoming more aware of the moments where I have suppressed myself all along. Either way, I've had a wake-up call of sorts. For some days now I have focused so much on writing about shit that isn't here to be practically dealt with that I have ignored the practical application of my process – the movement and the change in which self-forgiveness is a supportive tool but not the purpose itself.

I've had trouble dealing with this self-suppression thing because I haven't known where to begin as it seems to spread out on every fucking interaction (or maybe I've just happened to be in touch with those people that I have difficulties with). I was looking for a trigger or a starting point I could locate before I go head-first into doubt and suppression instead of just acting upon my initial impulse, and all I could find was the physical feeling I get in my body when and as I suppress my self-expression.

But as I was thinking about this self-image thing and a discussion I had today, I realized that I really don't know who I am. I keep telling myself to “stand within myself as myself” and all these grand things without ever stopping to look and see who it is that I really am. Self-confidence is to be myself; self-trust is to be myself; truly standing on my own two feet is to know myself and fully rely on myself. So how can I expect myself to not suppress myself around everyone when I have no idea who I am? How am I to not fear what others think of me when I don't know what to think about myself?

This is not about defining myself according to some characteristics or about painting a picture – it's about knowing who I am within this mess of myself and where I stand within that mess – what are my capabilities and incapabilities – what are the challenges I face – and what principles do I live according to; how and where to do I direct myself? It's about facing myself in good and bad and taking action on all of it.

So I will now begin mapping out who I am at this moment, at this point of time, to be able to stand more clear within myself, and through this I will move onto opening up the point of self-suppression in more detail. I have been somewhat lousy in doing planned writings, but this time I'm trying this simply by setting a guideline but not planning too much in detail what to write about – I mean, “who I am” is quite the vast question and can be approached in many ways, lol. So let's see what comes out of this.

Day 186: The healer character

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This is a part of the relationship series I've been walking lately:

Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

Day 178: Separation of genders

Day 179: The attraction fallacy

Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

Days 184-185: SF on romance, part 2

I have a healer syndrome. I want to heal those in need and be the rescue to the weak ones who cannot help themselves. This is not done simply out of common sense (the world is a wreck and help is needed) – it is done for self-elevation. I feel like I am doing something meaningful and giving myself a purpose when I help others, those in need.

Okay, so “the ones in need” is an interesting concept. When I was a teenager I found myself attracted to teenage boys younger than myself. I saw them to be more “innocent” than boys of my age – that they needed someone older and more “mature” to gently guide them. This was derived from my fear of men, because teenage boys to me represented males who had not yet been corrupted into scary and dangerous beings.

One group that falls into this category aside from teenage boys (men that are not yet scary/dangerous) is children. I get a kick out of being a supportive adult – it's not necessarily anything I do especially, but just the position and status of being “the wise one to turn to”. When I wish to see myself as “wise” and “enlightened” I overlook the practical reality which is that I am NOT wise nor enlightened or in any way “ready” to be a guide to others but am still way in the middle of my own process.

What I realized now is that when I stand as the “helper character” I actually look down on the people I'm helping. I see the challenges and shortcomings of others as something I can abuse to feel “more capable”, “more mature”, “more evolved”. Thus I do not want provide others actual support but just to comfort – and to comfort is to accept and allow another to be the way they are, to tell them they are “fine” the way they are, without ever addressing what they'd actually need to work on in themselves. Especially when I happen to see clearly what another is going through (or believe so) it is my responsibility to not let it slip by. Even if I was trying to actually support another but would be doing it from the starting point of self-elevation, I would be doing more harm than good.

So there's the side of practicality: if I at this moment can share my experience with another in a supportive and assisting way, so be it. If there is an actual need I will do what I can to practically help. This is what is required of us people, to be watchful of each other so that no one is abandoned in times of need, and I commit myself to practice being HERE in awareness so that I do not sleepwalk through the moments where action is required.

Then there's the side of non-practicality: not actually helping. This is when emotions/feelings/thoughts are wallowed in, when there's nothing but gossip and going along with the moods of another without question. This kind of interaction leads to nothing but stagnation as we accept and allow each other to live within our unresolved issues and repeat our patterns ad infinitum. This is not to nurture; this is not to support; this is actually to act against life.

And thus I commit myself to no longer use the weaknesses of others for my self-elevation – so that I could feel like a “saviour” - as I see, realize and understand that what really matters are the actual needs of others that I either can or cannot be of assistance in. This practicality of how I can help and if I can help is also important to consider: sometimes there are situations where I cannot do a thing, and that's when I cannot force myself to act as if I am helping or force myself to come up with some way to help simply because I want the status points for being a “helper”. That's when I need to direct the one in need towards someone/something I believe could maybe be of real assistance. I need to learn to let go of my ego in situations like this. I cannot help everyone – yet I am able to affect the well-being of everyone by living myself into a best possible human being who will build this world and not destroy it. This is what my focus needs to be in: myself.

An interesting facet of this is how I have manifested this within romantic relationships and how I have created relationships based on this point – which has obviously led to the relationship falling apart. When I have not been the needy/clingy/dependent one – the beggar – I have been “the helper” who “saves” helpless people from whatever pit they're lying in. This desire has lingered ever since my teenage years and is triggered every now and then, and it is fundamentally connected to my fear of men.

Days 184-185: SF on romance, part 2

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This post is a specific continuation to:

Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

And a part of a longer series:

Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

Day 178: Separation of genders

Day 179: The attraction fallacy

Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

-- Consequences in relationships --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a secret desire for my romantic fantasies to come true in the physical reality because I perceived and believed that the energy I experienced when imagining the fantasy situations would be “at it's maximum” if it was brought to actual situations and that the desire would through that be “fulfilled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this desire because the society surrounding me supported and encouraged this and showed me many examples of success (ideal images) and hushed all the failures (real life).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect everyone to know that this romantic ideal of relationships is what everyone wants, needs, desires and requires, and thus expect my partners to “know what I want” without me communicating about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn bitter when my partners have not given me the romantic gestures I expected them to according to the relationship ideal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people I have been interested in to show me romantic gestures even though I have never even communicated my interest towards them out of shyness, because they “ought to know” I am interested. [Okay, this is a point of its own related to communication, will elaborate separately.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, in my bitterness towards my partners for not showing me the “special attention” I desired to be shown as romantic gestures, to blame them for being “inconsiderate” and to blame myself for being “undesirable”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate my disappointment to and with my partner and thus with the suppression turn it into bitterness and further into frustration which accumulated to such an extent that I started looking for the “special attention” and “special approval” from other people – in other words, created the desire to cheat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been discontent with my relationship to another because it did not match the romantic relationship ideal I had set up in my mind, to start looking for compensation from other people by looking for “better options” instead of facing, addressing and discussing the actual core problem with my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can escape the cause of my frustration in relationships by treating the symptoms and fulfilling my desires by whatever means, not realizing that as long as the cause persist the symptoms will resurface over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my relationships in the physical reality to the relationship ideal in my mind reality, not realizing that the ideal in my mind is not stable but a constantly changing and morphing image that changes every time I seem to achieve it, not realizing I am chasing an illusion and never stopping to look at what is actually HERE to be worked with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to compare the physical and the mental is to compare two completely different realities and different worlds and that this comparison is thus unfair as it does not consider the differences in between and the fact that they are thus incomparable as the same laws don't apply within both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore what is here (relationships) in favour of illusions (ideals) as I have perceived life to be “boring” and rather enjoyed my inner reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my teenage years to react with revulsion to romantic gestures, words, phrases, gifts and images I came across in media or in the people surrounding me, blaming the romance I saw to be “idiotic” and “stupid” and thinking less of the people involved - thus rejecting myself as I actually secretly craved for romance and refusing to see that I was actually covering up with aggression my sadness for not having any romance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing the desire for romance in me because I recognized romance to be irrational and dishonest and didn't understand how/why it came up in me even though I didn't think it to be valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this fear to feel ashamed for desiring romance and suppress the desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my desire into bitterness and jealousy as I suppressed the desire and shamed myself for having it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see another being having some romantic thing in his/her life and instantly compare myself to this person and see that I “lost” in terms of having / not having romance – and that I have turned my feeling of inferiority into aggression and blame, casting the responsibility of my unhappiness on those who were happy and bringing them down by mocking, ridiculing and belittling them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry responsibility for my own unhappiness but instead blame it on those who appeared to “have it all” - all the things I desired – as if the happiness of another would reduce my chances of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is my responsibility to carry the consequences of my own accepted and allowed beliefs and perceptions – in this case, the unhappiness that was the result of me having a distorted view on relationships.

--

Here I am stopping to wonder how much I can actually claim responsibility for the things I had learned by the time I was a teenager, which in my eyes is still a child. I had not learned to question everything, I had not learned to test things by myself – I had learned to trust without question, to believe what you're told and to follow the “big guys” (parents, teachers, siblings, friends – any and all safe authorities in a big and scary world) because apparently everyone else knew better and it would be according to my best interest to do as I'm told with little to no reasoning provided. I am responsible for each and every action I committed in my childhood and teenage years – but am I responsible for the creation of the “me” who I was back then – the “me” who made the decisions to act? What's my share in this?

Another thing I wish to clarify mainly for myself: I am now not going through the desire to be in a relationship but the desire to live within and as an image of romance, specifically charged with the feeling of “being special” to someone and experiencing something “meaningful”; elevation, glorification, exclusive love targeted only towards “that special someone” and all the cliche-fulled images that serve this purpose. This is a result of our visually oriented culture that filters the reality into movie-like images and snapshots.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live within and as images because the energetic charge involved has felt so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live within and as images in spite of the physical reality, disregarding my responsibility as an equal and one participant of this reality to utilize my limited time and capacity for building the physical reality into a better place for all – and instead believing it to be justified to want to escape the reality into a cozy exclusive VIP place of a romantic relationship, thus turning my back on the world that requires the participation of everyone for anyone to live a happy life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to live as the energies of “love”, “happiness”, “joy”, “fulfillment” and “peace” by bringing the romantic images, visions and fantasies into physical existence with the belief that human beings “require comfort” in a world that is this messed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that comfort – being told “it's alright” - is what I require when I face adversity, not realizing that comfort is not the equivalent of actual support that would help me see what's actually going on, how I'm responsible for the situation and how I can move myself out of it and implement change and development.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is not valid to state “it's alright” in a world where things are definitely not alright, because even if things were “alright” from the perspective of the individual, the rest of the world that is not alright will affect the individual sooner or later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these romantic visions, images, ideals and fantasies are all based upon the search for comfort and security from outside of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being rescued from danger because I would then not have to carry myself, stand within myself and direct myself but could rely on “someone else” to carry me for me – not realizing that with these fantasies I've satisfied my need to have security, stability and comfort in my life – which are all things I have lacked for most of my life as I have not built them within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face my insecurity, instability and discomfort and realize I am the cause of them as I am the one who creates my inner experience, and that I am thus responsible for bringing them into my life and nobody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposefully place myself within these fantasies in an inferior position where I live as less than my potential because through that I did not have to carry myself, not realizing the extent of the consequences that come with creating a self-image of inferiority and believing it to be somehow “beneficial”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about a person of interest showing their affection towards me because I have been unwilling to communicate my interest and having the other one do it first would release me of the responsibility to move through my resistance to communicate. [I'm going to elaborate on the communication points separately.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as cynicism and believe all actions that fit into the category of “romantic gestures” (all that I have interpreted to be such) to be dishonest and based on self-interest, not realizing that I do not know what the purpose of the other actually was (unless communicated) and that it could have just as well been an act of expression of compassion and care – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus always judge a person committing a “romantic gesture” to be dishonest because I have learned from my society that these specifically profiled “romantic gestures” are usually motivated by sexual desire.

Nevertheless,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for “romantic gestures” and give them myself in spite of the rest of the world and in ways that are even harmful to others (i.e. flowers: 1, 2, 3, 4).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that which is best for all but to hold my momentary pleasure more important than the well-being of everyone.

--

It seems that the more I write about this the more confused I become. Oh well. This point is either way more vast than I have thought or I have been trailing on some side paths all along. Tomorrow I will continue with the communication point, which is a Big One. Lol, see how I make this more difficult for myself already? What I mean by that is that communication issues are one of the fundamental points of who I have been for all of my life – one major monster at the core of most of my issues. Walking this point will be a challenge most welcome and necessary.

--

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring/craving for a “romantic gesture” (beautiful words, gifts, acts of kindness) – I stop, I breathe and I bring myself back into the physical reality from the mind reality by focusing on my breath for as long as I feel stable. I realize that these “romantic gestures” are often wanted/desired/craved for because they present an image that is charged with a specific kind of energy. I look at that which I was wanting/desiring/craving for to see if there is an image (a movie-like scene) that I am reaching for and I ask myself what this image fulfills; what is the “lack” that it “fixes”? I then forgive myself for whatever I find and move on – and if my practical application fails and/or wavers, I investigate the point in writing to see what I have missed.

I commit myself to investigate what it is to “express one's love” in real practical actions.

I commit myself to investigate the concept of “meaningfulness”.

I commit myself to stop judging those involved with romantic actions and instead see, realize and understand that when I judge I cast blame on others of things I have not forgiven myself for.

I commit myself to return to this post in a few days to see if I find more clarity on what I wrote about here, because I have found it to be of assistance to have a step back, do something else and have another look when in doubt of one's writings.

Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

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This post is a specific continuation to:
Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

And a part of a longer series:
Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support
Day 178: Separation of genders
Day 179: The attraction fallacy
Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

 -- Daydreaming --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to hold on to the exciting positive energy I experienced within a romantic context by extracting the original experience here in the physical into images, fantasies and scenes within my mind and by indulging in these scenes by repeating them over and over again and savouring the energy experiences they induced within me as physical sensations in the diaphragm, stomach and chest areas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to create a belief that these experiences that induced strong energetic responses within me were such that one ought to strive for because they felt so good, intense and big.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to think that these strong energetic responses made me feel “more alive” because in comparison my ordinary life was boring, dull and uneventful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I created the feeling that my life was “boring, dull and uneventful” by comparing it to mind-induced energy, and that this feeling was not in fact based on reality but on an unfair comparison, as when positive mind-energy is compared to a life of limitation and suppression it is clear that one will seem “better” than the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the fact that the above-mentioned comparison is in fact not based on reality because I have not realized that the “real” life I lived was a life of limitation, suppression and self-imprisonment – and thus wasn't the best that life when actually lived can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am happier in my mind than in the physical reality based on an unfair comparison that hasn't really looked into what is actually going on.

[I've been facing the above-mentioned point in my living recently (“my life SUCKS”) and thus this SF also assists me in my everyday practical life. Awesome.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to escape my practical living into daydreams and fantasies because I found my practical living to be uncomfortable due to bullying, insecurity and simply being discontent with life and what the world was offering me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to escape my fear of being in contact with boys / to act upon the desire to be in contact with boys by indulging in mind-fantasies where I got the experience I was desiring without the “risks” of actual interaction (failure, shame, loss).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not accept what comes along with it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but resent its consequences.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the consequences of showing interest towards another (communication, interaction, revealing oneself) to be “uncomfortable”, “scary” and “difficult”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive honestly interacting with another by facing oneself with the other to be uncomfortable, scary and difficult because it was beyond my comfort zone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive interacting with a person of interest to be “uncomfortable” and “difficult” as I did not have a preconceived behavioral pattern for such situations, which would have required me to act based on what is HERE when/as things are communicated, which is a course of action I had not been prepared for or taught to do.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive interacting with a person of interest to be “scary” because I have held onto all of my worst-case scenarios of how things may “go wrong” and “fail” and feared that they might come true if I involved myself in a situation that included this risk.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the worst-case scenarios where I was laughed at, ridiculed, mocked, shamed, excluded, rejected, abused and singled out when approaching a person of interest or revealing my interest towards another – not realizing that even if some of these things actually happened, it would not be anything personal towards me or an attack at my self-worth but an indicator of where the other person(s) currently stands in his/her process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not even try to be in contact with boys and refuse all of their attempts to approach me because I have been terrified of actually facing another (facing myself as reflected from another) and instead just kept to my inner fantasies because it was much easier and much more comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that I enjoyed my inner reality more than the “outer” reality because I did not realize that my inner reality is not in fact real, at least not to anyone but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though my fantasies weren't real and did not actually happen, they had a major influence on myself and who I was with people as they affected and created the thoughts, emotions, feelings, expectations, assumptions and images I had towards and of people and thus affected the way I interacted with actual people in actual situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that daydreaming and fantasizing is in fact not harmless as it has a major influence on who I am and how I act in the practical physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify daydreaming and fantasizing by saying “none of this actually happens”, not realizing how the effects are carried over to the actual reality.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and uphold an ideal of romance through the daydreams, fantasies and scenes I played around with in my mind based on whatever induced the “right kind of energy” (strong, intense, exciting).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unquestioned the daydreams, fantasies and scenes that induced the “right kind of energy” to be that which relationships were all about and should be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount/intensity of energy to be an indicator of how “real” an experience is, believing energy to be “real living” because my actual physical living was less enjoyable in comparison.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extract energy-inducing experiences that I lived through while immersed in different forms of media (movies, books, TV series, porn, music, magazines) into material in my mind of which I compiled a “romance ideal” according to what images/phrases/scenes/characters/actions were repeated often, how they were presented, how I resonated to these images and what kind of an energy these images aroused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what the society through media allows people to understand to be “the ideal” is created through manipulation of rhythm, colour, shape, voice, music, emotion and thought association through the understanding of the mechanisms of human consciousness (the human mind on autopilot).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because my romance ideal is built upon energy it is not a trustworthy nor a valid basis for building a relationship or choosing a mate because relationships happen here in the concrete physical reality and not within the energetic mind reality – at least not the kind of relationships I want to participate in, as I have lived through relationships based on nothing but energy and seen them to serve no other purpose but momentary escapism and their own inevitable destruction.

Will continue tomorrow.

Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

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Just look at those meatballs!

This post is a continuation to:
Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support
Day 178: Separation of genders
Day 179: The attraction fallacy
Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

I've been dealing with romance and romantic gestures, especially artistic ones where another dedicates a piece of artistic expression to me. An excerpt from some private writings:

I have for all of my relationship history secretly wished for my partners to gift me with a song or a poem or a painting or something (anything!) because that would mean I have inspired the other to do something that is only for me – or more precisely, from me. I realized that this shit with wanting to have a special exclusive gesture like this given to you is not actually about receiving something from the other, but about using the other as an extension of you – I call this the “evil muse syndrome”, lol. When another i.e. writes a song that is specifically for me or inspired by me, it has been created by my effect – it wouldn't have come into existence without me – and so I elevate myself through the actions of another. “I made this happen.” “This is MY song.” “I'M the one who inspired this.” Usually it is not done in an aggressive manner (not very feminine, now is it) but in a sweet, petite way of saying: “aww, you did this all for me?” This phrase is very tricky indeed because it is nothing but self-elevation masked as a compliment.

So I have always wished for this “special” gesture but never mentioned it to anyone because it would not be genuine if I asked for it. This is actually very movie-like now that I think of it, lol, the gesture has to be just right for it to mean anything – to give me the perfect fulfillment – for the energy charge to be exactly the way I have imagined it to be. This expectation is in no way aligned with the practical reality – it simply does not make sense to 1) have a desire and not actively strive to fulfill it 2) have a desire based on no practical purpose, and 3) believe a relationship is “fulfilling” only when it reaches some epic proportions of love oozing from every seam as perfect images and scenes of ladidaa flowers and candlelight and deep looks in each others eyes and gentle notes from a guitar and shy hushed voices and BLAH all the shit.

I have never liked romance. I have found it repulsively sweet and sugary. I remember even as a child wondering about the purpose of all that weird mushiness. I mean, I watched Lady and the Tramp as a child for many times and the love scene with the spaghetti and the idyllic night with the candle light and the country side scenery and the couple leaning to each other – it never made any fucking sense, why would they do that, what's so great about the italian restaurant anyway, those meatballs sure look tasty – until I integrated into the relationship system and learned what it was that grown-ups get out of such scenes of romance and learned to secretly desire it myself. Even in these movies targeted to children the relationship ideal is already imposed upon the children who have no idea what it means.

So I have pretty much resented romantic gestures throughout my relationship history but also secretly craved for them. Before I began dating (age 8-15) I would have fantasies of romance all the time – and I mean all the time. As a child/teenager my most common pastime when alone or when drifting off during a boring class was daydreaming about romantic fantasies. As a younger child they had more to do with “being rescued” or other stuff that gave me a sense of security – and the older I got, the more intimacy I involved in them. The fantasies usually consisted of movie-like scenes that varied from compilations of many scenes to single moments, and they revolved around the feeling of “being special” and being loved, accepted and recognized – mostly nothing directly sexual, just emotional feelgood. These were intense energy loops that I trapped myself into for years as I craved for the pleasurable energy I got from these fantasies. Whenever I came across something in my real life that evoked an exciting romantic energy within me, I harnessed it into material for my fantasies so that the feeling would go on forever.

In my teen years I grew more cynical about relationships because of bitterness for not having any relationship experiences, and I rejected and bashed all notions of romance and love without ever stopping to realize the contrast between this behavior and my secret desire to taste all that sweetness myself. Which is what eventually happened, but even when I was experiencing all that feelgood within relationships I was unable to deal with romantic gestures – a boyfriend would bring me flowers and I would not know how to deal with it – it was as if I was expected to react a certain way and when I didn't the gesture was kinda drawn back - “if you don't give me what I was supposed to get as a counter-gift, then why did I bring you this stupid stuff at all?” (No one actually said this to me, but this is the “vibe” I got on numerous occasions.) So the gesture was not given as expression but as a bribe.

So I guess my problem dealing with these gestures was that I realized that something was expected of me but I just did not know what it was – or didn't want to validate it as I saw the dishonesty. People are somehow expected to treat each other with special gestures like this to keep each other happy and satisfied. I've been told that these gestures are to “show one's love towards the other” - to show the other that you're still committed to them – but why not live as the commitment and love in each and every moment of co-existence instead of these occasional special moments that give us the energy to tread through the rough patches? What if one were to live as love and commitment within the rough times? Would they, then, be so rough at all?

Another point is that it is common for people to base their sense of self-worth on the perception others have of you, and the validation one gets from close relationships is the most important, because finding one's self-value from within self is not really taught anywhere as we live mostly in relationships of co-dependency. So these special gestures of love within intimate relationships are “required” for one to feel like one has value, which explains a lot of the extreme reactions people go into when one's partner has not remembered to give acknowledgement in a while. The energy sustenance is required at a regular interval or otherwise one will feel like shit and believe one is not loved (or worse, blame it on the other) – never realizing all the love and acceptance one needs is HERE, constantly within ourselves.

I'll continue with the points above in specificity in the posts to come.

Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

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http://www.theaustralian.com.au/arts/stage/chinese-theatre-springs-to-life-as-the-play-that-started-it-all-makes-its-move-offshore/story-fn9d344c-1226117000628

This post is a continuation to:
Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

Day 178: Separation of genders
Day 179: The attraction fallacy

Alright. I was writing about a specific attraction point concerning a specific person when I came across a point which extends beyond this particular case. It is about exploring intimacy only from within a role, because when within a role one is supposedly on “safe ground”, because oneself is not put on the line and everything can be explained with “just playing the role – it was not me”.

I've had secret fantasies about having the chance to do some really intimate scene on the theatre stage with a man. This has been because I have been both afraid of intimacy and craving for it: within a scene, script and character it would be “safe” and “harmless” to engage in actual physical contact with another without ever actually dealing with it. I've had this image in my mind where I'm completely entangled in some scene with a male actor, like in a passionate dance or something, and where our eyes meet for a second and we both pause to “connect” - as if the both of us realized within that heartbeat that behind the characters our passion was real and not faked – and the fantasy never continues beyond this magical moment of revelation because that would been real life conditions where things are out in the open and have to be discussed and dealt with. Lol.

So I see how this extends to real moments of intimacy. As I have been afraid of intimacy I have always hidden behind some character, pattern or survival mode and never really stood within and as myself when in a situation of intimacy (on a physical or mental level; a personal discussion is also intimate) and thus never actually faced, discussed nor dealt with it. Which is kinda cool to realize, because it is actually quite the release to realize that all that tension, awkwardness, alienation and separation has been because of how I have positioned myself towards intimacy and not a trait of intimacy itself. Which probably means there's a whole world of intimacy for me to explore as I have never really lived within any of it. Cool!

Here's some SF I wrote on the topic:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about having a special intimate moment with a man within a performance because this would be a “safe” way of exploring intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both fear intimacy and desire it, and create fantasies within which I could hold on to both – avoiding the fear and fulfilling the desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from intimacy by only being intimate when within a character, thus never really standing within/as intimacy but always faking it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimate only via characters because they have been my armor and my protection in case of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing in intimate situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paralyze myself in intimate situations because I have been overridden with fear and functional only through characters, which are in fact limitations, like a strait jacket or a clumsy coat of armor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure in intimate situations, as I have feared that the other would then see me as “less” than who I am and define me according to a mistake (or an imagined mistake).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will touch (kiss, hug, caress, hold) a person “in the wrong way” (causing the other to react negatively) and that I will be punished for this by losing the acceptance of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the negative reaction of another to be “my fault” and that I am causing the other to feel something negative because all my life I have lived in a world where no one carries responsibility for their reactions and thus blames it on others, and where I have learned to be submissive in situations where I am blamed for the reactions of others. *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret situations by connecting the reaction of another to what I did before the reaction – not realizing that even though my action (may have) served as a trigger to another's reaction and thus participated in bringing about the reaction, the one reacting is still the only one responsible for his/her inner movements (emotions, feelings, thoughts, imagination) as one has no concrete access to another's inner reality without the acceptance and allowance of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be extremely afraid of failing in intimate situations because I had learned from the society I grew up in that in relationships/sex the stakes are extremely high because relationships/sex is the “ultimate prize” one could attain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign a high value on relationships/sex because it was depicted as the "ultimate prize" or "highest fulfillment", believing that without this my life would be incomplete / less than the lives of others - not realizing that this perception of relationships/sex as the "ultimate prize" is dependent on energy which is created in the mind through glorification and is in no way relevant to what is actually physically here as people and interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied the “ultimate prize” of relationships/sex because of a “mistake”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive not behaving according to the relationship/sex norm as presented in the media (TV, movies, porn, magazines, books, etc) and in the living examples surrounding me (friends, family) to be a “mistake”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a “norm” to be “the way things should be done” because I have believed it to have been well thought out and optimized to be a guideline towards the well-being of all – not realizing that the creation of a norm is often completely arbitrary and randomized and NOT based on thorough considerations of the reality, and that a norm is upheld with the phrase “this is how it's always been done” which is NOT a valid basis for future actions, as we cannot conclude that which ought to be from that which currently is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is possible for me to make a mistake in relationships/sex, not realizing that a mistake only becomes a mistake if it's not dealt with – and that if there was no harm done to anyone, it was probably not a mistake at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe straying from the norm to be a “mistake”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and follow the relationship/sex norm to avoid the rejection straying from it would cause, because I have based my sense of self-worth on the acceptance of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react negatively to what I perceive and believe to be “mistakes” - not realizing that as I expect another to react a certain way I position myself within the situation according to this expectation (i.e. by becoming tense and wary) and thus support the other to live out the exact reaction I expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question and practically test my assumption that once the relationship/sex norm is strayed from it will cause a negative reaction, but instead always stay on the "safe zone" where I have some preconceived pattern I can follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress myself according to an assumption that I have created on a completely arbitrary basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself in a defensive stance when/as I have been faced with intimacy because I have expected rejection from the other as I have already rejected myself as I perceive myself to already be a “failure” even though no mistake has been done because I have perceived just the possibility for “failure” (“I don't know what I'm doing”) to be the equivalent of making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide the fact that "I don't know what I'm doing" because I have perceived it to be the equivalent of making a mistake and didn't want to "get caught".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fact that I “don't know what I'm doing” counts against me as I have believed that others expect me to live up to an ideal set by the society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be “incapable” in relationships/sex because I have not had a ready pattern to follow, not realizing that when there is no pattern one is more free to explore and create by oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from exploring the patternless state of innocence in relationships/sex because I have believed and perceived that to admit to not already knowing how something is done is to make a mistake (that the other will see me as “less” than who I am).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for another's perception of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to another's perception of me, not realizing to stop and breathe and realize I am HERE and not within the head of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one should be an expert of relationships/sex already before any actual experience because this is the ideal level set by the society in images (porn, TV, movies, magazines, books).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe what the media told me about relationships/sex because I blindly trusted the ones taking care of me (parents/society/officials/authorities), not realizing that the image of relationships/sex that media paints is but a fantasy completely separate of the practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to reach the ideal level of “already being an expert” before even starting out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the image of "being an expert" is based on fantasies and not on the practical reality, and that even if one did learn how to "be an expert" according to porn, TV, movies, magazines and books - this would not be a universal pattern that functions in every situation and with every individual because it is built on images, patterns and preprogramming and does not consider the fact that within every moment of every breath there is a possibility to turn things completely around where no planning will be of any use as the patterns stop functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to strive towards “already being an expert” is actually an act of fear as one tries to avoid making a mistake and “making a fool” of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will embarrass myself by making a mistake in relationships/sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sensation of embarrassment because as a child it was an overwhelmingly uncomfortable and frequent experience for me. *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to be embarrassed is to believe all the worst interpretations I spawn of myself within my mind – to believe that I am in fact “incapable”, “ugly”, “undesirable”, “dumb”, “not good enough”.

* Stuff that needs to be elaborated on. Memories in childhood.

As I now see, realize and understand that my starting point for intimacy has been off for my entire life - I commit myself to facing myself within intimacy and sorting out my starting point by challenging myself to engage in intimacy (mental and physical) in practical situations by following my discomfort to uncharted areas.

I commit myself to write in detail about specific points that come up in my practical involvement in intimacy so that I may find the actual practical solutions to which I can commit myself to.

I commit myself to realize there is no ideal to attain in relationships/sex, and that to hold onto an ideal is to abdicate one's responsibility to create and build ones relationships by oneself.

I commit myself to realize that relationships/sex is just interaction - movement in between beings - like any other.