Day 40: Image of relationships - "taking the lead"

31102012

As I've written before, as a child I had no idea what romantic relationships were about. I could not conceive what they are for, what they really mean and what happens within them. There was however one thing I knew for sure to be specifically specified to be a part of relationships and nothing else: physical intimacy and especially sex. It was something I could not experience with my friends or family, and sex outside of relationships and sex trade was frowned upon, so the only place I perceived it ever possible to experience physical intimacy was romantic relationships. The problem was I had no idea how one could ever manage to get one, as there seemed to be something really complicated about courting, and I had no idea how people even got to the point where they'd eventually be able to touch each other comfortably.

As I grew up with this perception of relationships I was unable to ever participate in one. I did not know what to do and stopped asking due to related bullying, and every time I liked someone I didn't really know how to approach them, because I believed there was something mysterious about the way people initiated a relationship, not realizing it was nothing more special than the simple chatting and hanging out I did with my friends. No, it had to be something more, it had to be something different, because that's what relationships are about, right? So I made myself unable to ever seize an opportunity by not seeing the obvious fact that communication with people is always the same as we are the same. One related point is also waiting around for others to initiate, because I believed them to know the answers as all of my friends apparently did – waiting for the world to answer my call, not carrying my responsibility.

So when I was 16 and started my first actual relationship with a guy I had no idea what I was signing up for. All I knew of relationships was that they involved physical intimacy and that there was something mysterious about how people communicated in them. I did not even consider the reasons for having one, because all I could see was the intimacy I was really deprived of [will open up in more specific writing] and I was anxious and curious and just wanting to get things over with so I wouldn't have to be the one who doesn't know (the one who gets ridiculed for not knowing). The thing is, the guy I dated then was older than me and had been in a couple of relationships before, and thus I perceived him to know more about relationships than me. Thus when I entered the relationship my attitude was: “alright, show me what this is about”, making him one who gives information and myself one who receives, believing there is one truth about relationships and that he is able to “give” me the info, not realizing it was then and has always been about exploring it myself, exploring it together with another as two equals. When and as I entered the relationship from that starting point, I made myself inferior to another and the whole thing was fucked from the start. When the relationship moved onwards and I experienced things that were to me really uncomfortable, unenjoyable and even physically painful I still believed him to know better, that what I experienced was the one and only truth about relationships, that “this is how it has to go”, not being able to tell him I was uncomfortable because I was afraid I'd be ridiculed like before, believing I did not know and could not know the truth based on my experience alone. I did not realize I was diminishing myself as I did not listen to my actual experience and the relationship crashed eventually by me escaping the whole thing out of anxiety, unable to speak of what I actually experienced.

The reason I have not been able to “take the lead” in any relationship is because I have believed I would not know where to go. I have not asked myself the reasons for being in relationships at all because they're a thing that “just happens” and one is “supposed to” be in, that it's a part of “human nature” to couple – all convenient excuses to not face the fact that I create the relationships, I decide what they become, that there is no uniform truth. I have been escaping my response-ability over creating and directing relationships because of a misunderstanding for all of my life. I have been waiting around for “the world” to give me the answer, but I now see and realize it is mine to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe physical intimacy as free self-expression can only exist within a romantic relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define romantic relationships according to my belief that they are the only place for unlimited physical intimacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the limitations in physical intimacy I saw the world as my family and friends act out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe romantic relationships to be a “special” relationship apart from and above all other relationships as the source for ultimate intimacy (physical and mental), thus limiting myself from ever experiencing unlimited intimacy in any “lesser” relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others and limit intimacy in my friend relationships by stating “this is not the special relationship I am waiting for / saving myself for” or “this is not the place for such behavior”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within those statements I live out the fear of not being accepted as well as the fear of losing another person.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I wait around for the special relationship within which I can express myself unlimited, I suppress myself in all the relationships I am living at the moment that aren't special, not realizing they are therefore all dishonest as I am not living as myself and that they're not the support they could be.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have suppressed and limited myself within all of my relationships (romantic and non-romantic) to some extent and thus within and as every relationship lived out a lie.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding beyond my image of friendship as I have not realized my image of friendship is limited and not the entire truth as it is an image and not the reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not question the information about relationships I received as I believed the world as an authority to supply correct info.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe any authority over my own experience as I have as a child believed I learn by listening to what I'm told instead of experimenting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to find a relationship one has got to communicate in a different way than in normal situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mystify relationship-oriented communication and thus create the secret I wanted to find out but couldn't because it was of my own creation and no one had a valid answer to give me. [A funny visualization: I create the question and ask the world, which is full of people asking the same question they created themselves, but which no one can answer as the answer is a secret no one knows, and when these people come together and share their questions – BAM – relationship folklore is born and we end up with best-selling books giving tips in how to win in the relationship game.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there was something wrong about how I perceived relationships to be even though my perception seemed irrational and illogical, like there were pieces missing, and I didn't really understand why anyone would even want to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my perception of relationships even though as I lived according to it things went constantly wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for my relationships going wrong instead of realizing I'm making them go wrong by living an image of what I believed and perceived relationships to be instead of exploring what they are beyond the image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the image of relationships I had created based on the information I received from the world unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear questioning my image of relationships as I have feared to be “the one who doesn't know”, not realizing I was never the only one who did not know.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by believing I was special because I did not understand while others did and thus justify my seclusion.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all other kids to know what relationships were about because my small group of friends claimed to understand.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unquestioned that my friends understood what relationships were about, believing them to be an authority because they asserted their opinions so confidently.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my small group of friends to represent the rest of the world as they were my primary connection to the world as other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of not knowing what relationships are actually about and thus cling onto the image everyone seemed to accept and be doing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize relationships cannot be compared to each other as they're always different as there are two different people involved every time, and that therefore there cannot be one answer to how things should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied with my image of relationships and live according to it as I have been afraid to let go and return to the state of not-knowing I thought to be shameful, not realizing the state of not-knowing is the only state from which something new can be created and that it is thus a most constructive place to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the state of not-knowing is the starting point for exploring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another to be able to evaluate my experience better than I do by stating they “know better”, not realizing the only thing a person can evaluate as the truth is their own experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility to direct myself as I have given up my power to direct a situation to another, following the other unquestioned and making myself blind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to think of a relationship as giving and receiving instead of sharing is to live inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to another as I have believed that person to be “more” because of the information and experience he has “gained” and believed myself to be “less” because in the game of comparing the amount/size of each others experiences and information I lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive another to be “more” than me because he/she is older than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to accept and allow another to be an authority over me because I perceive them to be qualified for it based on their amount of information/experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait/expect the world to give me an answer, not realizing I am the world as life and that to wait/expect for something from the world while I do nothing is to abdicate my responsibility – sitting on my ass, telling myself to get moving and not move by saying “I can't because I'm busy sitting on my ass”.

I commit myself to investigate myself within all my relationships to other people in order to reveal and face the ways I limit myself from experiencing intimacy, physical and non-physical.

I commit myself to recreate myself as my own directive principle, as I now see, realize and understand I am the one responsible for directing myself.

I commit myself to investigate myself within and as all communication in order to locate the ways I limit, suppress and define my communication with different people, as I now see and realize that the starting point for communication has to be self-honesty and openness for any of it to be real, and that currently I am not living as self-honesty and openness.

I commit myself to demystify relationships by investigating what they're actually about.

I commit myself to disassemble my mind-images concerning relationships one by one by locating, facing and seeing them for what they really are – a two-dimensional snapshot of reality rendered through various filters.

I commit myself to embrace the state of not-knowing as the starting point of exploration and creation.

I commit myself to ask when I do not know.

Day 39: Participating in thoughts

30102012

As I went through yesterday's realizations about being alone with myself and then listened to the video on the '21 day breathing challenge' and started to experiment with breath in a new way, I today came to a new realization. Yesterday I attempted to stay within breath for as long as possible while actually doing something – I chose a simple task to wash the dishes. The first thing I noticed was that I have to reaaally slow down to be able to stay in breath while in actual movement – but the next one, the more profound one, was when I actually found myself within my body with the mind completely silent. What happened today as the state has glimpse by glimpse continued to prove its existence is that I realized within my actual practical physical being the difference between believing your thoughts and participating in them, and seeing your thoughts as a product of the mind and the mind being simply a tool – that the mind is not who I am, the mind is not me. What's actually me is that which is here when I breathe within movement. What's actually me is not that which talks in my head, even if I talk stuff in my head that's true, because even that is simply a result of the mind processing the abstract into words – I am that abstract. To call it a “soul” or a “spirit” or to try to explain it as anything else but presence would be a limitation.

As I investigated myself throughout the day I noticed that from within this realization it is much easier to stop my participation in thoughts, search for their starting point and let them go, as I don't get stuck with pondering on whether a thought was true or false. HONK – they're neither! As I return to my physical being here sensing my entire body within and as breath I will know whether I'm living honesty or dishonesty, and what my physical tells me is real, not that which the mind paints over the physical. It is quite awesome to locate this point of self-support, and now it's a matter of consistency and patience to return myself to that state in each and every breath. May take a while, lol, but now I at least see it can be done.

Will continue with SF.

Day 38: My own company

29102012

Today I've been spending some time off after over two months of running around and I faced a point of anxiety when within four walls for a long period of time (= many hours within one day). I call it the “seinähullu” personality. “Seinähullu” is a very describing finnish word that basically means “completely mad”, consisting of the words 'seinä' (= 'wall') and 'hullu' (= 'crazy'). This “wallcrazy” personality has been around for a long time and I now started to track it down and see what it's actually about.

I remember that as a teenager when I lived within and as depression and developed anxiety and panic disorders I started to experience this phenomenon. I spent most of my free time on the computer: reading stuff, looking at pictures, watching TV shows, chatting with people – being completely and utterly bored out of my mind. When my boredom became overwhelmingly heavy I usually left the house to shake off my anxiety. I had long walks in the middle of the night just wandering around the small town, escaping my tiny and messy room and all the mind-shit I painted on top of my reality in that specific location. I had a very interesting relationship to my room, as it was both a sanctuary and a tomb, but that I will open up in separate writing when I eventually start going through the depression era.

Later as I have lived on my own I have spent a lot of time simply within my apartment. I've lived through periods of unemployment where all I've had on my hands has been time and that small space of my own which was all I could afford. I had no money for activities; no hobbies (besides theatre which was free), no events, no traveling, no food, no alcohol, no parties, nothing I had learned to be an experience worth living for. That time taught me a lot about what's actually enjoyable in life as life, but as a result I also secluded myself from others more and more as I at the time hanged out with people who thought that meaningful social interaction always included some money-spending related activity. As I spent a lot of time by myself in my apartment I always eventually got anxious within the four walls, becoming “wallcrazy”, the anxiety of being secluded becoming so heavy I had no choice but to move myself and go out. What I did then was usually going into nature, taking walks, climbing a hill, walking in a forest, standing in the rain, lying in snow, hugging trees – immersing myself in nature just to feel I'm alive at all. Sometimes I called a friend to have a contact to something living through people, but mostly I didn't, because I didn't have many friends and I didn't think I had a big enough reason to call them up [a point of communication I'm opening up in writing at the moment]. Sometimes instead of going outside I made the indoors a more comfortable place to be in by for example lighting candles, putting on music or burning incense – giving myself an extra sensual experience in my environment to forget the environment that was causing me anxiety – refusing to just stop and be within my environment and creating an extra environment within it to protect me from it.

What I'm starting to realize here is that all I've ever done is escape myself within those moments of anxiety. I've gone after experiences of life existing around me – reaching out to nature or people – to experience myself as a living thing instead of realizing I don't need Life around me to be Life myself. I haven't realized I am All-One as I am alone, I am Life no matter what surrounds me. I have seen myself as less than life, not one and equal to it, as I have perceived myself to require it's presence in order to feel the life in me.

I now see boredom in fact has actually never really existed within my experience, as I have never really had a lack of things to do. Today as I've been home I've had a plenty of things to do and yet the anxiety persona awoke, so it has nothing to do with not having things to do. As a child I remember I often asked my mother: “Mom, tell me what to do, I'm bored.” Even back then it was never about not actually having anything to do or even about not knowing all the things one could do, as a child simply does not have all the knowledge, but about unwillingness to face oneself as one is alone and to explore one's own self-expression. I'm not saying I'm always anxious when I'm alone, no, but sometimes I am and I haven't yet figured out what the exact correlation between time spent alone and anxiety is: meaning I don't yet know what it is that makes me anxious during certain times of being alone, as it doesn't always happen.

Who am I with myself? How do I spend time with myself? How am I with myself as Life? What am I as self-expression as I am alone? How does my body actually feel? I now see and realize the anxiety is not valid as the fear of oneself is self-separation and thus not real, and I am glad I now get to explore myself with myself from this starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize boredom has never actually existed within my experience as I have always in fact had things to do – to actually be bored would be to not have anything to do at all, which is a state of being I can hardly imagine would even exist.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiencing life as doing something as tasks and activities, not realizing life is about simply being and expressing myself within and as myself within each and every moment, be there activity or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of “boredom” to be valid and true instead of stopping to breathe and realizing the experience is a creation of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a result of separating myself from myself when and as I have refused to see myself as one and equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate that experience of anxiety into such amounts that I have been living within and as an anxiety disorder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my experience of “boredom” is actually resistance to face myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to be bored in my own company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being bored as I have feared facing myself within boredom, creating resistance towards boredom and escaping it through arranging myself a lot of activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I have defined as the experience of boredom is actually the experience of not knowing what to do next – a state of hesitation, where I have experienced anxiety over the choices I have “had to” make as I have not trusted myself as self-expression to make the “right choice”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as self-expression but to instead escape myself and all potential to ever be myself by believing myself to be “less than” Life and search for the experience of Life from outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as “less than” Life, limiting my experience of myself to less than I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here to explore myself as I am as an expressive physical manifestation of Life that has the ability to move, make sounds, breathe, see, taste, hear, smell and touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-expression to characters even when I am alone, as I have been afraid to simply be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the circumstances I have accepted and allowed myself to create for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility over myself as the circumstances I have created for myself by believing the circumstances “are not in my control”, refusing to face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by feeling uncomfortable within the circumstances I've created for myself and wanting to escape them, not realizing I am then actually wanting to escape myself as that which I have created around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have always been able to locate the experience of anxiety as a certain kind of a feeling within a certain spot in my body, indicating that I can release the experience of anxiety if I release it from my body.

I commit myself to explore myself as an expressive physical being by returning into my body from the mind within and as breath and investigating what my body really is as sensations and movement.

I commit myself to face myself as myself as I now see, realize and understand there is no valid reason to escape myself, and that the only way to ever live within and as self-honesty is to face that which I actually am now.

I commit myself to realize all of my experiences of my surroundings are of my own creation and that I thus carry responsibility over my experience.

When and as I experience anxiety as I spend time alone, I commit myself to stop, take a breath and realize the anxiety is an energetic experience that I sense physically within my body because I have created it within and as the mind, and that it indicates I am trying to escape myself as self-expression. I commit myself to then face what it is I'm escaping and why and accordingly direct myself as movement.

I commit myself to stop being bored as I now see and realize such a thing does not exist.

As I now see and realize I am one and equal to all Life, I commit myself to realize I am in fact all the Life I can or will ever experience as all I “receive” from my surroundings as experiences I actually create myself; I cannot for example live as the actual life experience of another person even though I can be there to experience my own life experience in the company of the person.

Days 36-37: "Is she going to hug me?"

26-28102012

I noticed an interesting reaction within myself a couple of days ago. We had just performed the anorexia play and after the bows a bunch of the audience members, who were apparently very familiar with the other two actors (probably neighbors and friends), came up to us and were so moved by the performance that they hugged us. At first I noticed them hugging the other actors and I realized the moment to be such where they would want to hug me as well – within a fraction of a second I thought to myself that these people are strangers, I do not know them, is it appropriate to hug them, do they want to hug me, what if they reject me, is she going to hug me, is she coming my way, does she look like she wants to – evaluating the situation to see whether a hug would be ok or not. At first I reacted by going into a defensive state where I felt slight horror (lol) like a deer in a headlight, but then I realized that I was blocking something I actually find welcome and allowed the hug to happen. The situation was so fast, though, that I didn't have time to actually retreat from my mind and thus the reservedness was still here when we engaged in a hug.

It seems I have programmed myself to reject physical touch if certain requirements are not met. One of them is that I have to know the person. Why? Because I fear strangers, I think I cannot trust them. When and as I believe this I don't see myself to be one and equal to the other as a fellow human being. Why? Because I fear they may be something “more” than me and prove themselves “better”, or that they may be cruel and want to hurt me. In both cases I see danger, and in both I refuse to realize we are all the same in essence, that the same fears reside in all of us, and that to fear each other based on them is to imagine walls between us. All of the fear is imaginary.

I also within the situation make myself inferior to the other, as if I'd have no say in whether the hug is going to happen or not. If I would stand as one and equal to the other I could simply communicate that I do not want to be hugged, although I cannot think of any other valid reason to refuse a hug than the risk of actual physical pain or injury, if one has broken bones for example. Those reasons could be communicated and what one wanted to express with the hug could be shared otherwise.

Another point here seems to be “you have to ask for my permission to touch me”, not realizing I give my permission by allowing the hug to happen at all. Another way of saying it would be “why do you think you're allowed to touch me” which is aggression upon fear upon separation, and with the right tone would also be really demeaning (= abusive) towards the other: “why do you think you're allowed to touch me”, another defense mechanism. “You can't just touch me without asking” is again related to the inferiority point: expecting another to limit their expression according to my fears, making myself helpless to stop the touch and thus abdicating my response-ability within the situation.

What I fear within exposing oneself to physical touch is vulnerability. I am then easiest to bring down, and that's why it's so difficult for me to sometimes relax as I touch another. I'm trying to slowly bring into reality the realization that when I'm most “exposed” or least hidden, I am actually at my strongest and not weakest, because when I stand here as my actual self within self-honesty, not cloaked in personas or images, there is nothing that can bring me down unless I accept and allow it. What's stopping me from actualizing this realization are the many fears that jam me when I try to change myself within actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people I am not familiar with as “strangers”, believing them to be different and thus separate from the people I am familiar with, not realizing we are all one and equal to each other and that although unique, each human being is the same in essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the word “stranger” itself contains the definition of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to all human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am inferior to an unfamiliar person because she shows affection towards people she is familiar with and I fear she might not show that to me because I perceive myself unfamiliar to her, not realizing she might not see me as unfamiliar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I would act and prepare myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I expect all people to act and prepare myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” to touch those who I'm familiar with, not realizing I then create the polarity that is “unsafe” with those I am not familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others would judge me if I hugged a person I am not familiar with, because that would be defined as “inappropriate” - a definition existing completely within my mind which I project on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be judged if I don't act according to the norm, not realizing I create the norm myself and manifest and validate it as I live fearing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by another's will/initiation to engage in physical touch, perceiving him/her to be “assertive” and not at all considering how I would like to direct the situation - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “give up” my directive power to those I have perceived and defined to be “assertive” as I have perceived “assertiveness” to be “more powerful” than I am, not realizing I make myself smaller than I actually am and define myself as “not assertive” as I define another to be “more” and abdicate my responsibility to be the director of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define extrovertedness and expressiveness as “assertiveness”, as I have separated myself from that which is expressed by stating “I can't do that” or “that's too much for me”, not realizing I limit myself from expressing myself as I actually am as life by saying I am not able to do something even though other people are able to - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all human beings as life have the same capacity of expression, and that I, too, am able to express myself in all the ways I see people around me expressing themselves, and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for clues in another person on whether he/she wants to engage in physical touch or not, trying to minimize the risk of getting rejected myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection as I have perceived another to have the power to cause me that uncomfortable experience, not realizing I cause it myself by secretly wishing for something that represents acceptance (hug, kiss, touch, word, look) and reacting when I don't get the image I wish for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe certain actions to be symbols of acceptance that can be exchanged within the relationship game and the received amount of which indicates how well you're doing in the game, not realizing all of this is an image and a lie we have all agreed to act out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad and lonely as I have perceived myself to be “losing” in the game, isolating myself even more as I have not seen myself as one and equal to those I have perceived to be “winning”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “less” as another receives a symbol of acceptance and I don't, not realizing I'm limiting myself from ever experiencing the actual reality as I perceive the world as relationships to be a limited game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I create the game as symbols of acceptance by living out behavioral patterns that state some certain actions to be reserved for certain situations and certain people, not including all people in all activity. [These I've got to go through in writing of its own. Note to self: relationship rituals]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt if I expose myself to physical touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the word “expose” contains the definition that something is revealed from underneath, and that to say I “expose” myself is to say I am underneath something and not here as only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I think I am “exposing” myself I uphold the personas I hide underneath, and that to stop using the word “expose” is to assist myself in letting go of hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of touch as “exposing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of being “exposed” to touch as making oneself vulnerable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the nature of touch - which is to be here unconditionally and inescapably in the physical – to be exposing, meaning what I am here in the physical is something I myself find strange and unfamiliar; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I have feared to be touched is because I have been so estranged from myself as I have lived with no self-intimacy that I have not been connected to and aware of what I actually am as a physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being exposed” is actually fear of myself being uncovered to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being vulnerable” is actually fear of seeing myself uncovered as I actually am.

--

Okay, so what I see now here is that as I go into the fear of being exposed to myself as I am to engage in physical contact with another, I retreat away from my body into my mind in order to avoid facing that which I am here as physical expression. A lot of things start to make sense. How it manifests in my physical being is usually by “freezing” completely – as muscles tensioning, not sensing my limbs, not moving, not initiating, not being here as an entire body and an entire being, a total state of helplessness where I accept and allow myself to be directed by others. This is very interesting, because it opens a new dimension into how I have created myself the experience of being sexually abused. I'll look into it in separate writings.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a hug as something that is “more” meaningful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a hug as something “special” that happens between people who care for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe only those who are familiar with each other are able to care for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the audience members were actually already quite familiar with me as they had watched me onstage for the past 2 hours, and that their experience of our familiarity was different from mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I as an actor become familiar with the audience as I stand face to face with them actively for two hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be familiar with every manifestation of life I meet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the separation between a performer and the audience.

I commit myself to explore physical touch with people as well as all living things in order to locate the mind-reality I have painted upon the physical reality in order to let it go and experience life as it actually is.

I commit myself to write about the points I locate as I explore physical touch in order to eventually get through each one and let none slip.

I commit myself, when and as I make myself inferior to others, to breathe and remind myself I am in fact one and equal to all.

I commit myself, when and as I see another to be separate from me, to breathe and remind myself we are in fact one and equal to each other.

I commit myself to realize the amount of affection as physical touch is not a constant and that for it to exist elsewhere it doesn't have to not exist within my experience.

I commit myself to investigate and push through the borders of my comfort zone of self-expression in the physical in order to expand myself through facing my resistance consistently.

I commit myself to realize a hug is just a touch.

I commit myself to get to know myself by investigating myself and returning myself here where I can actually face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to escape myself, as I now realize I have nothing to fear in myself.

Days 34 & 35: Pissed off at customers

25-26102012

A point I've noticed about my “customer service” personality is that every now and then I get pissed off at customers and think it is justified. A couple of days ago I had a really “bad” day at work – meaning I was constantly late with my tasks and perceived myself to be overworked and busy, and my frustration with the situation and with myself as I was not stopping myself even though I knew I eventually had to accumulated into a point where I was angry at everyone and doing my best to hide it. When the rush of customers finally slowed down I stopped myself and slowed myself with breathing and self-forgiveness to such a state that felt like being on sedative drugs, lol, and all of the stress simply vanished. All of my being was so slow I was afraid someone would think I'm actually on drugs, although the state of being was really comfortable to be in – a curious fear that has nothing to do with the point here. So: It was good to notice I indeed can stop myself even though this time I let it accumulate before I did. I've had similar kind of situations before where I have had a break-down as a result, and I'm glad I showed myself it can be avoided.

There are different sorts of situations where my annoyance arises.

• A customer is abusive (towards me or anyone)
• A customer looks down on me / is arrogant
• A customer demands for extra-service
• A customer creates disturbance (noise etc.)
• A customer doesn't greet or thank me
• A customer happens to come in while I'm busy
• A customer doesn't wait for his/her turn

Alright. The only point where the customer actually holds no or very little responsibility over the situation is “coming in while I'm busy”. That is where simply seeing more people I “have to” serve makes me shout inside my head “please don't come in please please please” - going into panic because I perceive myself unable to serve them according to their expectations. I have been working through this by reminding myself that I work to the best of my abilities within this physical reality and that I cannot work in super-human speed or efficiency, and that in order for me to deliver all orders I need patience and more realistic expectations in return from the customers. This is something I usually openly tell the customers if I'm busy and it's mostly understood, but sometimes I limit myself through some fear and don't mention the line of orders I have and end up with disappointed customers waiting for longer than they thought they would.

The rest of those points is me reacting to the behavior of another. I still perceive a waitress to be a very disrespected profession, as do many, and react every time I perceive someone to look down on me because of the way I make a living. I do not want to be in a position where it is “allowed” to abuse me, not realizing I accept and allow myself to be in that position myself. Even though I know this and do not allow myself to be actually abused, the annoyance surfaces because of the unfair expectations I perceive to be at play. As I write this I'm starting to realize how allowing myself to be pissed off is allowing myself to be abused – some customers may want to see a waitress annoyed, yes, but I'm not talking about the other getting that kind of “kicks” but about my self-abuse. Every time I react with annoyance I state the abusive expectations to be valid.

So I perceive another to expect he/she can abuse me. I then react to the assumed expectations, which I cannot be sure of as I rarely ask about them directly, and when they are not on the table I cannot disprove them and the customer may not even realize what they're expecting of another human being – a communication point. When and as I react with annoyance I actually believe the statuses I perceive the customer to be expecting, not wanting to participate in them, and through the fear of being “less” I become angry to survive the situation. I may then try to hide my annoyance by behaving in a friendly way (not actual kindness), but usually I make stingy remarks that would be commonsensical statements of facts if it weren't for the slight aggression I speak them through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe other people to have expectations/demands about the way I work, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate and create those imagined expectations by believing them to be “necessary” and compromising myself when and as I work in order to live up to those expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my stress accumulate into panic in a busy work situation instead of stopping and releasing the stress when and as it occurs and redirecting myself in action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I create my stress and thus am responsible for it as I believe others to have expectations about the way I work, and that in order to fulfill those expectations I need to constantly push myself to work more efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I as a physical being have limits that cannot be crossed and that whichever pace I work on is good enough because that is the pace my being currently manifests itself as – not to say I “get to slack off” - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to be working too slowly out of laziness, not realizing my work pace is connected to the rhythm of my entire existence, and that in order to speed up if necessary I am to look at what makes my being slow or fast at that moment and work on that instead of forcing myself to adapt to a certain pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be hard-working is to suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words “work hard” when I have actually meant “work to one's best ability”, not realizing the difference that lies within the words themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to work to my best ability, “to do my best”, is to be clear about the starting point for my actions, and to know myself in order to be mindful of what I can actually do and what I cannot (yet) do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that suffering is not necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others by acting through anger when and as I have gone into stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide my anger even though I have known that there is nothing I can hide from another human being and that to believe I can hide myself is to lie to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject a customer within and as thought as I have been afraid of not being able to fulfill the expectations I perceive him/her to have towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I perceive another to have expectations of me and act accordingly, I create for them a position of authority over me, neglecting my directive ability as I abdicate my responsibility over my own experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a customer to decide not to come in, not realizing that as I do that I create expectations that will either be met or not be met and will consequently manifest as the feelings of triumph or disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disappointment when my wish for a customer to not approach me has not come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a customer to judge me and decide to leave if I openly tell them that they would have to wait for their order longer than I perceive them to expect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive all customers to form a one big authority that determines whether I'm doing a good job or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I think of me doing a “good job” I actually think of me doing what I perceive others to require for them to give me the feedback that tells me I'm accepted, not realizing that to do one's actual best is a completely different matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that waitressing is a commonly disrespected profession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I accept and allow the belief that waitresses aren't respect-worthy to exist as I react to those who live that belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect my own profession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that as I work as a waitress I deal with food and drinks - stuff that people put into their bodies that are their entire being in this reality – and that to deal with edible substances is a job serving the very basic needs of human life and is a constructive and thus a “respect-worthy” position to be doing one's best in – as are all positions from which one can work for that which is best for all, no matter the scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive another to behave in a way that indicates he/she believes I am in a position where I can be abused, and react to my perception with the fear of the other “making” me “less” through his/her abuse, not realizing I have all the power over myself and that none can abuse me unless I accept and allow it. - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then attempt to make myself “more” to avoid being “less” by trying to put the other down with anger and trying to override anothers aggression with mine, not realizing aggression only creates more aggression and that the cycle will go on and on until infinity and that within the cycle there are no winners, meaning everyone loses as that which is best for all is not brought to existence.

I now see, realize and understand that the expectations about how I should work are imaginary – in fact they are images – and that I participate in their creation and maintenance, and thus I commit myself to show myself that as I stop believing in them and living according to them they stop existing.

I commit myself, when and as I go into stress, to stop my experience by returning to breath and reminding myself the reasons I get stressed are imagined and not valid. I commit myself to investigate what drove me into stress and self-forgive what I discover, and to direct my experience accordingly.

I commit myself to work, act, be and live according to my best ability, and in order to do that I commit myself to get to actually know myself and not just an image of myself.

I commit myself to no longer abuse others as anger by stopping my experience of stress before it accumulates into anger.

I commit myself to stop setting expectations about how I would like customers to behave, as I now see, realize and understand that to set expectations is to set imaginary limits to life as limitless expression.

I commit myself to stop looking for validation for my actions from customers/other people.

I commit myself to respect myself as a being that is one and equal to all life.

As I now see, realize and understand that abuse does not stop with more abuse, I commit myself to face abuse as a being that knows no abuse, as that is the only state where abuse can cease to exist.

Day 33: Renouncing my throne

24102012

The anorexia play has been playing for a couple of weeks and we have received feedback from the audience, and I have received many positive comments about my acting – for example, a professional told me to apply to the most respected acting school in Finland and a director told me there aren't many actors like me in this country who'd use their entire body the way I apparently did. A lot of the feedback has been constructive and I have been grateful for that, but some of it is also simply praising. I do not mean to disrespect the “praise” as I know it comes from a state where one may have been greatly influenced by what they've seen, but I also recognize it comes from a starting point of energy: “wow, you're good”, “I could never do something like that”, “you're really something” - glorifying, idolizing, separation.

What I'll write about now is about how I've reacted to the feedback. I have made a decision to no longer apply to schools that train one's performance, as I don't see that being an actor (or a singer, or a dancer, or any kind of lone performer) would be a position from which I could get something actual done. To be an actor is to be a pawn – a damn fun job where one can explore the human body, behavior and nature, but usually as a small part in a big plan dictated from the above. I am trying to find my way in this field to figure out how to bring the tools of drama and theatre to practical use where actual change could occur, and because of that I am planning on studying theory and directing, and to develop my own performing skills only if I can spare time or if it's for some actual purpose. I enjoy performing a lot, but I realize it is all within my innermost comfort zone and that I really don't know what lies beyond.

When I got told I was seen to be a “good actor” and that I should become a pro, I faced the same thoughts that have been keeping me from making these decisions before. It's about renouncing personal glory for the benefit of others – not becoming an actor because I want to help others. The feedback got me thinking again: “Maybe I do have what it takes.” And I went into doubt about my decision, indicating that my decision has partly been dictated by my belief that I don't have what it takes to be a professional actor.

The positive feedback validated my belief that I indeed am something “special” and would become “great” and “successful”, that I would actually make it in the business, that I would become the “next star”. I have from ever since a child had the belief (or a “hunch”) that I would one day be a celebrity – I now see and realize it was a part of the pattern I was growing up into, the system of idols and celebrities and entertainment, where some were “superior” and “deserved” to be admired above all else. I believed I was “special” because I had trained some skills to a level that intimidated others, and I believed I “deserved” recognition for my “superior” skills.

The thing is, I might actually become very good if I trained myself enough, but I haven't really realized it's nothing special. Anyone could do what I do if they had learned what I've learned. I have defined myself according to my performance skills for so long it has been difficult letting it go, as I have believed I would be nothing without the definition. As a child my skills were the only thing I perceived myself to receive any praise for. I got used to my family telling me that if I don't use my talents and try to become famous they will go to waste.

The fact that I perceive this whole change of plans to be “giving something up” indicates that I believe I'm making a sacrifice, which is not the case. I haven't realized that to work for that which is best for all is best for me as well as I am a part of all that is. To “give up” personal glory is to let go of the inequality I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my skills in singing, acting and performing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am special because of my skills in singing, acting and performing, not realizing anyone could learn those exact skills if they would train as I have trained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “more than” others because of my skills in singing, acting and performing, perceiving those with less trained skills as “less than” me - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my standing is false even when I have crumbled into being “less” when another has showed up with skills “superior” to mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those who have “superior” skills “deserve” to be admired, not realizing that to believe I “deserve” something is to believe my expectations of being “rewarded” with admiration should be fulfilled by the world. - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to expect compensation from the world (other people) is to abdicate my responsibility to direct my experience and deal with the consequences, as the suffering preceding the compensation is created by me within and as expectations (if I do this I will receive that), and to expect anything at all is to live a lie as one is not living HERE as unconditionality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if some people are admired, some will be at the losing end of the deal and will be despised, as the polarity of an energetic experience will eventually manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to make myself “more” is to make others “less”, that if I win someone has got to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified for someone to lose because I am “better” in some skill and they did not “deserve” to win, not realizing I then live out inequality, greed, fear and lies and separate myself from all life as one and refuse to see what it is that really drives me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand as superior when another succumbs to me, not realizing I am participating in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when another succumbs to me as they are intimidated by me, to be helpless and not know how to solve the situation even though I have seen they are deliberately making themselves “less” even though I'm not making myself “more” but am simply being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the only way to support and assist others is to reveal the bullshit we live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I “deserve” to be an actor (a fun job) instead of being something “boring” (a regular job) because of the skills I have trained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent taking on a profession that is not about performing because I have feared I would then not receive the recognition I deserve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being well-known, believing celebrity and success to be the same thing, when in fact success has nothing to do with how far-known one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the only kind of celebrity that has any concrete value is that which follows success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being known because I have learned as a child that the only way to make sure I am accepted is to show off my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent taking on a profession that doesn't involve performing because I have as a child learned that my performance is the only way to get acceptance and appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my skills will “go to waste” if they are not shown to many enough people, not realizing the impact doesn't come from the visibility but the substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “settle” for a certain course of action because I have perceived there to be a “better” option I cannot reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore the course of action I have chosen because I still long for that which I left behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to regret one's decisions is to project oneself into the past and to block any progress that could happen here and now, perceiving myself to be making no progress and doubting the decision I made and feel bad about – a self-completing cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure my starting point for a decision is clear, as I have not realized that to “settle” and “compromise” is to not fully commit to what one is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create bitterness towards those who “get to” do that which I “cannot” do because of my decision, as I feel like I'm missing out on something I ought to experience.

I now see, realize and understand that no skills are “supreme”, “special” or “more”, as any skill can be learned by any healthy person with the required training. Thus I commit myself to show by my own example that anyone can learn anything if there's will and understanding by assisting and supporting others to learn new skills and to learn new skills myself.

I commit myself to no longer accept myself to be idolized by showing the act of idolizing to be what it really is when and as it is here and to expose the inequality that lies beyond.

I commit myself to utilize my skills for that which is best for all and to learn new skills accordingly.

I commit myself to study my area of profession in order to find out how it can be utilized for the best of all.

I commit myself to make sure my reasons behind my decisions are clear in order to stand within and as those decisions as commitments and actually live them out.

I now see, realize and understand that the purpose of art in general is not in idolizing, glory, personal elevation or fame, and that the actual purpose of art is yet unclear to me. Thus I commit myself to explore art for my own sake to be able to actualize the function of art and performing so that I may utilize it for the best of all.

Days 31 & 32: Making friends, part 2

22-23102012

-- Anticipation and excitement --

As I found the note from the person I accepted and allowed myself to go into the energetic experience of joy through experiencing the relief as the polarity of regret. I was delighted to see she had as well noticed we got along well and I thought that what we had experienced had then probably been something genuine, requiring external validation to believe it. It was very natural for me to think I would of course contact her, but I then went into planning out how to do it. Through assessing the situation and thinking about the correct words and tones and maneuvers I allowed myself to go into anticipation, as I pushed the act of contacting her a little further from the moment the idea occurred in by justifying it with saying “I'm busy, I'm working, I'll do it when I get off from work” and allowing myself a little “planning time”, so that by the time I hit “send” on my phone I was within the mind as expectations, predictions, fears and future projections. Because of the accumulated hesitation, regret and relief my starting point was energy as I did not stop it and kept on going.

The good thing is I realized this before I met her again, and even though I hadn't yet had the time to write this point out I was at least aware of it and could investigate how it manifested in the actual situation where we met. That, however, is a point of its own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself as I am within an energetic mind-experience as feelings, emotions and images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require external validation for my experience as I have accepted and allowed myself to go into hesitation, regret and doubt, not realizing I am believing my back-chat to be real and that initially there was nothing to doubt about the experience as it was here unthinking as movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act immediately and justify it by thinking “this is not a good moment”, thus accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the mind-reality onto the initial idea that was self-expression and suppress and limit it through images and projections, as I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the moment to act is right here and now, within and as the breath that creates the movement my self would follow if unrestricted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future, guessing who the other person is and how she would react by planning how to communicate with her, not realizing it is all just guesswork and that none of it is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game of “making friends” by tip-toeing around the other within my communication planned according to the rules of the game, as I have been afraid of insulting the other and repelling her, wanting to be liked and accepted, perceiving and believing this course of action will get me that which I want. Within this I have not realized the social game of “making friends” is but an agreement where we have agreed to act out that which is not real by suppressing and limiting ourselves in order to allow everyone to stay within their comfort zone, and that the game is not real and that through the game no interaction is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty as I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game of “making friends”, not realizing I am not taking part in any actual interaction but only images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to an upcoming interaction by projecting myself into the future as guesswork, not realizing I am creating expectations as the images I predict the situation to be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an interaction to be enriching, joyful, lively and “worth it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear an interaction to be dull, meaningless, uncomfortable and “not worth it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create expectations towards an upcoming interaction, I will create myself the energetic experience of disappointment if the expectations are not met, as the reality does not go according to how I want it to be, not realizing the reality then seems “worse” than I thought only because I chose to limit my perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create fears towards an upcoming interaction, I will create myself the energetic experience of joy as the fears as images do not come true as expected and the reality then seems “better” than I though it was, not realizing the reality was always the same and I was simply limiting my perception of it.

I commit myself to stop my hesitation when and as it occurs, and as I then face it I commit myself to remind myself hesitation is but of the mind and that none of it is real, and if possible immediately self-forgive and redirect myself.

I commit myself, when and as I hesitate, to remind myself that there is no such thing as a “good moment”, and that all such definitions are of my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to act on an idea immediately if possible, as I now see and realize pushing the action further away will only make it harder to act at all, and I commit myself to investigate why I'm making it so difficult for myself to postpone acting on an idea (for practical reasons mostly) by going into the mind so easily in between the idea and the action.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stop participating in the social game of “making friends” as I now see and realize no interaction is real if manifested through the game.

I commit myself to stop myself as I notice myself creating expectations in any and all situations.

I commit myself to realize that the experience of excitement is energy and that as it will disappear it is not real, and that the value of human interaction is not based upon energy as I have grown to believe but upon life as actual presence.

-- Balancing a situation by becoming extrovert --

This is connected to the savior point. I have noticed that I have a tendency of attempting to “balance out” a situation by becoming the missing polarity: if another is extroverted I make myself “small”, and if another is introverted I make myself “big”. Within the situation I'm writing about I perceived this person to be introverted and shy, and I noticed myself perceiving myself to be “more” by simply initiating contact. I have previously in my life made friends with introverted people by becoming “more” than them, meaning more expressive, more open, more relaxed, more talkative, and sometimes also more masculine [connected to the sexuality point], all of this something I perceived them to “require” and “look for” and became what I perceived they wanted in order for me to be accepted and liked. Although subtle, the starting point for initiating contact was me trying to balance out what I perceived her to be, not realizing what I perceived may or may not be in accordance with the reality. The point is I was trying to be what I thought was “appropriate” or “expected” in order to be rewarded with acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my starting point was not within absolute self-honesty and thus it was not completely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though small-talk has its assisting purpose in bringing strange people closer to each other within a comfortable communication zone from which any kind of interaction may come about, the purpose will not be fulfilled if the starting point of the action is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I ought to become a polarity because of the belief that I cannot be what the other one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to what I perceive others to be because of the belief that I cannot be what others are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by believing two or more people cannot be defined according to the same attributes, not realizing the problem lies within the act of defining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people according to what I perceive them to be and define myself accordingly, or the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to create definitions is to limit life in all its manifestations and to separate all manifestations of life from each other, not realizing life cannot be separated from itself as all is ONE and thus everyone is everything. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all of my definitions of people are a creation of the mind and that they are false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a limited amount of all attributes and that not everyone can “have” the same attributes, not realizing the attributes I'm thinking of are all simply forms of self-expression and that all expression is limitless as it is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire acceptance and mold myself according to what I believe I'm “required” to be by an authority (the one who holds that which I want = acceptance from others), not realizing I myself am my only authority and that the “requirement” is created and believed by me within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire acceptance from an external source to validate my worth, not realizing I separate myself from myself as I believe I need another to tell me my existence is worthwhile, instead of standing within and as myself within and as life and realizing all life is of equal worth as all is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe polarities ought to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I live according to the image of polarities and extremes I accept and allow myself to limit my expression according to the image, separating myself from that which lies beyond the image, disempowering myself to be my directive principle within and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate my behavior in order to figure out how I'm limiting myself according to my perception of others – what is it I deny myself to be because someone else is that already, or what I perceive to be “my place”, “my part” or “my character”.

I commit myself to stop trying to save others as it is not my responsibility to save anyone but myself.

I commit myself to realize and remind myself that the starting point of action is what defines whether one is acting to “save” another or to support and assist another, and that the starting point is crucial in the outcome.

--

I realized the points “Sexual interest in women” and “What is it to know another?” are actually so vast that they cannot be covered only by looking at one individual situation. I will return to them in later writing.