tiistai 16. lokakuuta 2012

Day 25: "Does he think I'm ugly?"

16102012

“Good thing I'm wearing nice clothes, just in case.” Wanting to look good for others in order to not be rejected. Wanting to look inviting/desirable, so that the reason for me being rejected would not be my appearance. There have been situations where I have perceived and believed I have been rejected based on appearance alone, which may or may not have actually been the case and is beside the point. When and as I perceive another to to judge my appearance / reject me based on my appearance, I actually already judge myself and simply look for clues in the other to validate my self-judgement. When I have been complimented when already in self-judgement, I have searched the compliment for irony or hidden disdain.

I used to dress up in a flashier way than I do now. Back then I sometimes, quite often actually, left the house wearing clothes I was not comfortable in. Sometimes they were so unordinary I was afraid of judgement, sometimes the clothes just didn't fit and I felt I looked unproportionate (fat, ugly, short, wide), sometimes the clothes just weren't for me but for an image I tried to act out and my being within them was not “wearing the right skin”, so to speak. I've now come to realize that whenever I have felt comfortable in a piece of clothing, it has been because it has supported that which I really am in that moment; it has been supporting my self-expression. I have also limited myself with my body issues from wearing some certain kinds of clothes as I have for example been ashamed of some body part, but as I have worked through the issues the shame has diminished and vanished and now both my expression and consequently the clothes I wear have expanded beyond my former comfort zone.

But as the thought “luckily I'm wearing nice clothes” surfaced, I see there's still points to go through. It's not so much about me wearing the “wrong” kind of clothes as I rarely do that anymore, but about the fear of judgement/rejection and the belief that my appearance is what counts.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predict future events according to what I'm wearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the clothes people wear determine their behavior, not realizing that I am only reading into the automated behavior system which can in fact be predicted instead of looking at how life would behave in the situation and realizing life cannot be predicted, and as my goal is to live life as life instead of as automated behavior my predictions are not necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate and prepare myself for possible future events by dressing up a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to prepare for the future is to project oneself into the future within and as the mind instead of being here within and as breath, and that as I'm not here I miss that which is actually here and waste my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected in the future and thus prepare myself to avoid the rejection or to at least “soften the blow” by defending myself from emotional hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid the rejection of another by manipulating them with my appearance, not realizing that if my starting point is fear I will manifest that which I fear, thus unavoidably manifesting the rejection all by myself by being dishonest, something that would be wise for any being to reject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself from the emotional hurt a rejection may cause by thinking that “if there's nothing wrong with my appearance, the fault must be in the other”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing the actual reasons behind a rejection by as a defense mechanism thinking that the fault is in the one rejecting me without considering my own participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my appearance as undesirable/uninviting/unaesthetic and project my self-judgement on others and thus blame them for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if another does judge my appearance as undesirable/uninviting/unaesthetic it is a point in their process they need to go through and it is nothing I should be taking personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another is judging me based on their body language / tone of voice as indirect communication instead of asking them directly whether they're actually judging me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my appearance and then look for validation for my judgement in others, interpreting direct and indirect communication in ways that only support my judgement, not hearing/seeing what the other actually communicates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe others to be judging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm being rejected by only looking at indirect communication and my interpretation of it, not realizing I cannot know any of this to be actually real unless communicated directly and unmistakably clearly.



I commit myself to stop going into my mind to interpret the “hidden clues” in direct communication, indirect communication and lack of communication, as I now see, realize and understand they exist only as the game which is not real, and that I stop my participation in the game by stopping reacting according to its rules.

I commit myself to support and assist myself through breath and self-forgiveness to stop interpreting human interaction and communication according to my taught perception of how interaction and communication work, as I now see, realize and understand what I've been taught is not in accordance with the reality.

I commit myself, when and as I go into self-judgement, to stop and face it as it actually is, supporting and assisting myself within and as breath to live as self-honesty, and to no longer project it on anyone else, carrying my responsibility of myself.

I commit myself to stop taking perceived judgement personally, as I now see, understand and realize that if another is actually judging me, they're not really judging me but themselves, and that it is a point in their process they need to work through.

I commit myself to utilize direct communication only whenever possible.

I commit myself to remind myself to never believe my perception of the reality unquestioned.

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