“Good thing I'm wearing nice clothes,
just in case.” Wanting to look good for others in order to not be
rejected. Wanting to look inviting/desirable, so that the reason for
me being rejected would not be my appearance. There have been
situations where I have perceived and believed I have been rejected
based on appearance alone, which may or may not have actually been
the case and is beside the point. When and as I perceive another to
to judge my appearance / reject me based on my appearance, I actually
already judge myself and simply look for clues in the other to
validate my self-judgement. When I have been complimented when
already in self-judgement, I have searched the compliment for irony
or hidden disdain.
I used to dress up in a flashier way
than I do now. Back then I sometimes, quite often actually, left the
house wearing clothes I was not comfortable in. Sometimes they were
so unordinary I was afraid of judgement, sometimes the clothes just
didn't fit and I felt I looked unproportionate (fat, ugly, short,
wide), sometimes the clothes just weren't for me but for an image I
tried to act out and my being within them was not “wearing the
right skin”, so to speak. I've now come to realize that whenever I
have felt comfortable in a piece of clothing, it has been because it
has supported that which I really am in that moment; it has been
supporting my self-expression. I have also limited myself with my
body issues from wearing some certain kinds of clothes as I have for
example been ashamed of some body part, but as I have worked through
the issues the shame has diminished and vanished and now both my
expression and consequently the clothes I wear have expanded beyond
my former comfort zone.
But as the thought “luckily I'm
wearing nice clothes” surfaced, I see there's still points to go
through. It's not so much about me wearing the “wrong” kind of
clothes as I rarely do that anymore, but about the fear of
judgement/rejection and the belief that my appearance is what counts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to predict future events according to what I'm
wearing.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the clothes
people wear determine their behavior, not realizing that I am only
reading into the automated behavior system which can in fact be
predicted instead of looking at how life would behave in the
situation and realizing life cannot be predicted, and as my goal is
to live life as life instead of as automated behavior my predictions
are not necessary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to anticipate and prepare myself for possible
future events by dressing up a certain way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that to prepare for the future is
to project oneself into the future within and as the mind instead of
being here within and as breath, and that as I'm not here I miss that
which is actually here and waste my time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear being rejected in the future and thus
prepare myself to avoid the rejection or to at least “soften the
blow” by defending myself from emotional hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid the rejection of
another by manipulating them with my appearance, not realizing that
if my starting point is fear I will manifest that which I fear, thus
unavoidably manifesting the rejection all by myself by being
dishonest, something that would be wise for any being to reject.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to defend myself from the emotional hurt a
rejection may cause by thinking that “if there's nothing wrong with
my appearance, the fault must be in the other”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to avoid facing the actual reasons behind a
rejection by as a defense mechanism thinking that the fault is in the
one rejecting me without considering my own participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge my appearance as
undesirable/uninviting/unaesthetic and project my self-judgement on
others and thus blame them for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if another does judge my
appearance as undesirable/uninviting/unaesthetic it is a point in
their process they need to go through and it is nothing I should be
taking personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe another is judging me based on their
body language / tone of voice as indirect communication instead of
asking them directly whether they're actually judging me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge my appearance and then look for
validation for my judgement in others, interpreting direct and
indirect communication in ways that only support my judgement, not
hearing/seeing what the other actually communicates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe others to be judging me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I'm being rejected by only looking at
indirect communication and my interpretation of it, not realizing I
cannot know any of this to be actually real unless communicated
directly and unmistakably clearly.
I commit myself to stop going into my
mind to interpret the “hidden clues” in direct communication,
indirect communication and lack of communication, as I now see,
realize and understand they exist only as the game which is not real,
and that I stop my participation in the game by stopping reacting
according to its rules.
I commit myself to support and assist
myself through breath and self-forgiveness to stop interpreting human
interaction and communication according to my taught perception of
how interaction and communication work, as I now see, realize and
understand what I've been taught is not in accordance with the
reality.
I commit myself, when and as I go into
self-judgement, to stop and face it as it actually is, supporting and
assisting myself within and as breath to live as self-honesty, and to
no longer project it on anyone else, carrying my responsibility of
myself.
I commit myself to stop taking
perceived judgement personally, as I now see, understand and realize
that if another is actually judging me, they're not really judging me
but themselves, and that it is a point in their process they need to
work through.
I commit myself to utilize direct
communication only whenever possible.
I commit myself to remind myself to
never believe my perception of the reality unquestioned.
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