31102012
As I've written before, as a child I
had no idea what romantic relationships were about. I could not
conceive what they are for, what they really mean and what happens
within them. There was however one thing I knew for sure to be
specifically specified to be a part of relationships and nothing
else: physical intimacy and especially sex. It was something I could
not experience with my friends or family, and sex outside of
relationships and sex trade was frowned upon, so the only place I
perceived it ever possible to experience physical intimacy was
romantic relationships. The problem was I had no idea how one could
ever manage to get one, as there seemed to be something really
complicated about courting, and I had no idea how people even got to
the point where they'd eventually be able to touch each other
comfortably.
As I grew up with this perception of
relationships I was unable to ever participate in one. I did not know
what to do and stopped asking due to related bullying, and every time
I liked someone I didn't really know how to approach them, because I
believed there was something mysterious about the way people
initiated a relationship, not realizing it was nothing more special
than the simple chatting and hanging out I did with my friends. No,
it had to be something more, it had to be something different,
because that's what relationships are about, right? So I made myself
unable to ever seize an opportunity by not seeing the obvious fact
that communication with people is always the same as we are the same.
One related point is also waiting around for others to initiate,
because I believed them to know the answers as all of my friends
apparently did – waiting for the world to answer my call, not
carrying my responsibility.
So when I was 16 and started my first
actual relationship with a guy I had no idea what I was signing up
for. All I knew of relationships was that they involved physical
intimacy and that there was something mysterious about how people
communicated in them. I did not even consider the reasons for having
one, because all I could see was the intimacy I was really deprived
of [will open up in more specific writing] and I was anxious and
curious and just wanting to get things over with so I wouldn't have
to be the one who doesn't know (the one who gets ridiculed for not
knowing). The thing is, the guy I dated then was older than me and
had been in a couple of relationships before, and thus I perceived
him to know more about relationships than me. Thus when I entered the
relationship my attitude was: “alright, show me what this is
about”, making him one who gives information and myself one who
receives, believing there is one truth about relationships and that
he is able to “give” me the info, not realizing it was then and
has always been about exploring it myself, exploring it together with
another as two equals. When and as I entered the relationship from
that starting point, I made myself inferior to another and the whole
thing was fucked from the start. When the relationship moved onwards
and I experienced things that were to me really uncomfortable,
unenjoyable and even physically painful I still believed him to know
better, that what I experienced was the one and only truth about
relationships, that “this is how it has to go”, not being able to
tell him I was uncomfortable because I was afraid I'd be ridiculed
like before, believing I did not know and could not know the truth
based on my experience alone. I did not realize I was diminishing
myself as I did not listen to my actual experience and the
relationship crashed eventually by me escaping the whole thing out of
anxiety, unable to speak of what I actually experienced.
The reason I have not been able to
“take the lead” in any relationship is because I have believed I
would not know where to go. I have not asked myself the reasons for
being in relationships at all because they're a thing that “just
happens” and one is “supposed to” be in, that it's a part of
“human nature” to couple – all convenient excuses to not face
the fact that I create the relationships, I decide what they become,
that there is no uniform truth. I have been escaping my
response-ability over creating and directing relationships because of
a misunderstanding for all of my life. I have been waiting around for
“the world” to give me the answer, but I now see and realize it
is mine to create.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe physical intimacy as free
self-expression can only exist within a romantic relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define romantic relationships according to my
belief that they are the only place for unlimited physical intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the limitations in physical intimacy I
saw the world as my family and friends act out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe romantic relationships to be a
“special” relationship apart from and above all other
relationships as the source for ultimate intimacy (physical and
mental), thus limiting myself from ever experiencing unlimited
intimacy in any “lesser” relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from others and limit intimacy
in my friend relationships by stating “this is not the special
relationship I am waiting for / saving myself for” or “this is
not the place for such behavior”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within those statements I live out the fear of not being accepted as well as the fear of losing another person.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I wait around for the special relationship within which I can express myself unlimited, I suppress myself in all the relationships I am living at the moment that aren't special, not realizing they are therefore all dishonest as I am not living as myself and that they're not the support they could be.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have suppressed and limited myself within all of my relationships (romantic and non-romantic) to some extent and thus within and as every relationship lived out a lie.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding beyond my image of friendship as I have not realized my image of friendship is limited and not the entire truth as it is an image and not the reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to not question the information about
relationships I received as I believed the world as an authority to
supply correct info.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe any authority over my own experience as
I have as a child believed I learn by listening to what I'm told
instead of experimenting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that in order to find a relationship
one has got to communicate in a different way than in normal
situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to mystify relationship-oriented communication and
thus create the secret I wanted to find out but couldn't because it
was of my own creation and no one had a valid answer to give me. [A
funny visualization: I create the question and ask the world, which
is full of people asking the same question they created themselves,
but which no one can answer as the answer is a secret no one knows,
and when these people come together and share their questions – BAM
– relationship folklore is born and we end up with best-selling
books giving tips in how to win in the relationship game.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize there was something wrong about how I
perceived relationships to be even though my perception seemed irrational and illogical, like there were pieces missing, and I
didn't really understand why anyone would even want to be in a
relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question my perception of relationships
even though as I lived according to it things went constantly wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame the world for my relationships going
wrong instead of realizing I'm making them go wrong by living an
image of what I believed and perceived relationships to be instead of
exploring what they are beyond the image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the image of relationships I had
created based on the information I received from the world
unquestioned.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear questioning my image of relationships as I
have feared to be “the one who doesn't know”, not realizing I was
never the only one who did not know.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by believing I was special because I did not understand while others did and thus justify my seclusion.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all other kids to know what relationships were about because my small group of friends claimed to understand.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unquestioned that my friends understood what relationships were about, believing them to be an authority because they asserted their opinions so confidently.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my small group of friends to represent the rest of the world as they were my primary connection to the world as other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be ashamed of not knowing what relationships
are actually about and thus cling onto the image everyone seemed to
accept and be doing themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize relationships cannot be compared to
each other as they're always different as there are two different
people involved every time, and that therefore there cannot be one
answer to how things should be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be satisfied with my image of relationships and
live according to it as I have been afraid to let go and return to
the state of not-knowing I thought to be shameful, not realizing the
state of not-knowing is the only state from which something new can
be created and that it is thus a most constructive place to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the state of not-knowing is the
starting point for exploring.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe another to be able to evaluate my
experience better than I do by stating they “know better”, not
realizing the only thing a person can evaluate as the truth is their
own experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility to direct myself as
I have given up my power to direct a situation to another, following
the other unquestioned and making myself blind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that to think of a relationship as
giving and receiving instead of sharing is to live inequality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to another as I
have believed that person to be “more” because of the information
and experience he has “gained” and believed myself to be “less”
because in the game of comparing the amount/size of each others
experiences and information I lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive another to be “more” than me
because he/she is older than me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it is justified to accept and allow
another to be an authority over me because I perceive them to be
qualified for it based on their amount of information/experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to wait/expect the world to give me an answer, not
realizing I am the world as life and that to wait/expect for
something from the world while I do nothing is to abdicate my
responsibility – sitting on my ass, telling myself to get moving
and not move by saying “I can't because I'm busy sitting on my
ass”.
I commit myself to investigate myself
within all my relationships to other people in order to reveal and
face the ways I limit myself from experiencing intimacy, physical and
non-physical.
I commit myself to recreate myself as
my own directive principle, as I now see, realize and understand I am
the one responsible for directing myself.
I commit myself to investigate myself
within and as all communication in order to locate the ways I limit,
suppress and define my communication with different people, as I now
see and realize that the starting point for communication has to be
self-honesty and openness for any of it to be real, and that
currently I am not living as self-honesty and openness.
I commit myself to demystify
relationships by investigating what they're actually about.
I commit myself to disassemble my
mind-images concerning relationships one by one by locating, facing
and seeing them for what they really are – a two-dimensional snapshot of reality
rendered through various filters.
I commit myself to embrace the state of
not-knowing as the starting point of exploration and creation.
I commit myself to ask when I do not know.
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