Day 33: Renouncing my throne

24102012

The anorexia play has been playing for a couple of weeks and we have received feedback from the audience, and I have received many positive comments about my acting – for example, a professional told me to apply to the most respected acting school in Finland and a director told me there aren't many actors like me in this country who'd use their entire body the way I apparently did. A lot of the feedback has been constructive and I have been grateful for that, but some of it is also simply praising. I do not mean to disrespect the “praise” as I know it comes from a state where one may have been greatly influenced by what they've seen, but I also recognize it comes from a starting point of energy: “wow, you're good”, “I could never do something like that”, “you're really something” - glorifying, idolizing, separation.

What I'll write about now is about how I've reacted to the feedback. I have made a decision to no longer apply to schools that train one's performance, as I don't see that being an actor (or a singer, or a dancer, or any kind of lone performer) would be a position from which I could get something actual done. To be an actor is to be a pawn – a damn fun job where one can explore the human body, behavior and nature, but usually as a small part in a big plan dictated from the above. I am trying to find my way in this field to figure out how to bring the tools of drama and theatre to practical use where actual change could occur, and because of that I am planning on studying theory and directing, and to develop my own performing skills only if I can spare time or if it's for some actual purpose. I enjoy performing a lot, but I realize it is all within my innermost comfort zone and that I really don't know what lies beyond.

When I got told I was seen to be a “good actor” and that I should become a pro, I faced the same thoughts that have been keeping me from making these decisions before. It's about renouncing personal glory for the benefit of others – not becoming an actor because I want to help others. The feedback got me thinking again: “Maybe I do have what it takes.” And I went into doubt about my decision, indicating that my decision has partly been dictated by my belief that I don't have what it takes to be a professional actor.

The positive feedback validated my belief that I indeed am something “special” and would become “great” and “successful”, that I would actually make it in the business, that I would become the “next star”. I have from ever since a child had the belief (or a “hunch”) that I would one day be a celebrity – I now see and realize it was a part of the pattern I was growing up into, the system of idols and celebrities and entertainment, where some were “superior” and “deserved” to be admired above all else. I believed I was “special” because I had trained some skills to a level that intimidated others, and I believed I “deserved” recognition for my “superior” skills.

The thing is, I might actually become very good if I trained myself enough, but I haven't really realized it's nothing special. Anyone could do what I do if they had learned what I've learned. I have defined myself according to my performance skills for so long it has been difficult letting it go, as I have believed I would be nothing without the definition. As a child my skills were the only thing I perceived myself to receive any praise for. I got used to my family telling me that if I don't use my talents and try to become famous they will go to waste.

The fact that I perceive this whole change of plans to be “giving something up” indicates that I believe I'm making a sacrifice, which is not the case. I haven't realized that to work for that which is best for all is best for me as well as I am a part of all that is. To “give up” personal glory is to let go of the inequality I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my skills in singing, acting and performing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am special because of my skills in singing, acting and performing, not realizing anyone could learn those exact skills if they would train as I have trained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “more than” others because of my skills in singing, acting and performing, perceiving those with less trained skills as “less than” me - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my standing is false even when I have crumbled into being “less” when another has showed up with skills “superior” to mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe those who have “superior” skills “deserve” to be admired, not realizing that to believe I “deserve” something is to believe my expectations of being “rewarded” with admiration should be fulfilled by the world. - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to expect compensation from the world (other people) is to abdicate my responsibility to direct my experience and deal with the consequences, as the suffering preceding the compensation is created by me within and as expectations (if I do this I will receive that), and to expect anything at all is to live a lie as one is not living HERE as unconditionality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if some people are admired, some will be at the losing end of the deal and will be despised, as the polarity of an energetic experience will eventually manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to make myself “more” is to make others “less”, that if I win someone has got to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified for someone to lose because I am “better” in some skill and they did not “deserve” to win, not realizing I then live out inequality, greed, fear and lies and separate myself from all life as one and refuse to see what it is that really drives me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand as superior when another succumbs to me, not realizing I am participating in inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when another succumbs to me as they are intimidated by me, to be helpless and not know how to solve the situation even though I have seen they are deliberately making themselves “less” even though I'm not making myself “more” but am simply being me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the only way to support and assist others is to reveal the bullshit we live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I “deserve” to be an actor (a fun job) instead of being something “boring” (a regular job) because of the skills I have trained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent taking on a profession that is not about performing because I have feared I would then not receive the recognition I deserve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being well-known, believing celebrity and success to be the same thing, when in fact success has nothing to do with how far-known one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the only kind of celebrity that has any concrete value is that which follows success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being known because I have learned as a child that the only way to make sure I am accepted is to show off my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent taking on a profession that doesn't involve performing because I have as a child learned that my performance is the only way to get acceptance and appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my skills will “go to waste” if they are not shown to many enough people, not realizing the impact doesn't come from the visibility but the substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “settle” for a certain course of action because I have perceived there to be a “better” option I cannot reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore the course of action I have chosen because I still long for that which I left behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to regret one's decisions is to project oneself into the past and to block any progress that could happen here and now, perceiving myself to be making no progress and doubting the decision I made and feel bad about – a self-completing cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make sure my starting point for a decision is clear, as I have not realized that to “settle” and “compromise” is to not fully commit to what one is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create bitterness towards those who “get to” do that which I “cannot” do because of my decision, as I feel like I'm missing out on something I ought to experience.

I now see, realize and understand that no skills are “supreme”, “special” or “more”, as any skill can be learned by any healthy person with the required training. Thus I commit myself to show by my own example that anyone can learn anything if there's will and understanding by assisting and supporting others to learn new skills and to learn new skills myself.

I commit myself to no longer accept myself to be idolized by showing the act of idolizing to be what it really is when and as it is here and to expose the inequality that lies beyond.

I commit myself to utilize my skills for that which is best for all and to learn new skills accordingly.

I commit myself to study my area of profession in order to find out how it can be utilized for the best of all.

I commit myself to make sure my reasons behind my decisions are clear in order to stand within and as those decisions as commitments and actually live them out.

I now see, realize and understand that the purpose of art in general is not in idolizing, glory, personal elevation or fame, and that the actual purpose of art is yet unclear to me. Thus I commit myself to explore art for my own sake to be able to actualize the function of art and performing so that I may utilize it for the best of all.