lauantai 6. lokakuuta 2012

Days 13-15: SF, part 2 - fear of intimacy

04-06102012

Junior high school. Turning the fear of unknown into disdain, revulsion, separation.

-- Communication --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating the fact that I didn't understand what relationships and intimacy were about, justified with the fact that I'd then be judged and ridiculed, as I was afraid it would lead to me losing my position as a “normal” kid and ending up with the lowest social status.

I now see and realize that as I don't communicate my experience, here justified with the belief that I'd then lose something I perceive to be of value, I am dishonest to myself about what I'm actually experiencing, trying to push what I experience away so I wouldn't have to deal with it. As I suppress my experience I accept and allow it to quietly accumulate, making it harder and harder for myself to free myself. As my experience as emotions and thoughts accumulates, it becomes my “reality”, a cycle of energy I lock myself within, as I validate my experience with the experience itself (with the emotions, thoughts and perceptions that form the experience as energy).

When and as I notice myself suppressing what I'm experiencing by not communicating it to myself or others, I stop – I breathe, return here and examine my inner experience as thoughts, emotions and physical sensations. I commit myself to always look at self: how am I making this manifest and why? When I have figured out what actually happened within me, I forgive myself, let go and move on.

I commit myself to support and assist myself within/as breath and self-awareness to live self-honesty in order to be able to communicate my experience with full honesty to myself and others.

-- Fear of judgement --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgement of others, not realizing that within that fear I hand my power to define and re-define myself in each and every moment to the hands of an imagined “authority” (the other kids).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “social status” as dictated by the “authority” is a valid measurement of a person's value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to handle any and all kinds of reactions my self-honesty might rouse in others, not realizing the reactions of others are not an “authority” I should live by, and that living according to any authority is to separate it from myself in terms of value and power even though all is one and equal as this reality.

I commit myself to investigate all the authorities I live by, and once discovered, to remind myself they are one and equal to myself, to be able to face them here as breath within/as myself.

-- Judgement / Jealousy --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others trying to “bring them down” in order to gain a higher social status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a high social status is equal to more power and more value and that a low social status is equal to less power and less value, when in fact the value and power of all is the exact same. In a way this setting is true, as this is the way the “win or lose” system currently works within itself as everyone accepts and allows themselves to participate, but what I have not realized is that I have the power to not accept and allow the status game to continue as myself. I now see and realize the game of social statuses is but an agreement in which people agree to act out that which is not real by being that which is not real, by living as images, and that all agreements end when one refuses to no longer take part in them. Thus I commit myself to no longer excuse myself to take part in the game of social statuses: when and as I notice myself within a thought/emotion/feeling that justifies me desiring a high social status / defying a low social status, I stop – I breathe, I return here and remind myself that the statuses are imaginary and that I am able to not participate in the game by refusing to “play” by its “rules” (expectations, patterns, images), in order to let go of the justification and the desire/fear so that I'll be able to stand within/as myself as breath, here. I commit myself to investigate all the characters/personas I have participated in this game within/as to assist myself in letting go of the game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is acceptable to judge others if they have judged me first; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is acceptable to harm another if they have harmed me first. I now see and realize that harming another with the justification that they have harmed me first is nothing but revenge: unwillingness to stop your own reactions and to realize that harming one is to harm all, as we are all one and linked to everything through the consequences of our actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I judge another I actually judge myself, as I project my own fears and desires by reflecting them upon others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as “bad” and “evil” only because they were expressing themselves freely and that made me jealous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is “hard” and “difficult” to express oneself like the other girls did, that they were somehow “special” for being “able” to do it, and that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from expressing myself freely.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am one and equal to everyone and that the capacity of each human being is the same, meaning that I too am able to express myself in the ways I have perceived to be “special”, and that it is only a matter of choice and practice.

- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “unable” to explore intimacy just because I don't know what it is, not realizing to explore is to get to know that which you don't know. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exploring the unknown as I have been afraid of what I would find within it, ultimately fearing myself as I have feared what I would find within me as I face the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my jealousy accumulate into aggression, and that I have then accepted and allowed myself to suppress that aggression, through suppression creating anxiety, bitterness, spite and more severe introversion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my experience of “injustice/unfairness” become jealousy as I have not communicated my initial experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I from within jealousy state “why do you have something I don't”, I abandon my responsibility to direct my own experience by actually saying “why isn't the world giving me what it has given you”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what I react to in others is what I see myself lacking.

I now see and realize the starting point of my experience of jealousy and unfairness and the manifestation thereof (judging others) was the fact that I never honestly communicated to anyone (initially myself) my confusion, lack of knowledge, lack of understanding and the associated fears. As I refuse to face what I actually am when and as I am here, I live as dishonesty and create more of that which I live as. I will no longer live a lie.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself experiencing jealousy and/or unfairness, to stop – breathe, return here and remind myself that to experience jealousy and/or unfairness is to set myself separate from that which I am jealous of / perceive to receive more than I do, and that separation does not actually exist as we are all one and equal. I investigate what's causing the experience within me, self-forgive and let go.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself judging another in thoughts, speech or action, to immediately stop – breathe and return here. I investigate the situation to see what I'm actually causing with my judgement, and how and why I am judging: what is it I judge within myself? I forgive myself the points I discover and let them go.

-- Fantasizing --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my reality where I was incapable of experiencing intimacy into “daydreaming”, where I have created a parallel reality of images inside my mind within which people talked openly, expressed lovingly and were sincere. I now see and realize that within this fantasy world I created that which I perceived my surrounding world to be lacking, which is something I really desired: a place that was safe and where I didn't have to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I was wishing for my world to change I did nothing to manifest these desired qualities myself, so that the world I was dreaming of could actually be created; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to be saved, not realizing it is my responsibility to save myself. I now see and realize that as even within my fantasies I was always saved – the world around me admitted to making mistakes and came to me on their knees, handing over the experience of intimacy I was wishing for – I have been refusing to see that I am the one who has to change , because I have been afraid to face what I actually am within my reactions and emotions/feelings. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from taking action in the real world as I have believed in my self-deception and reinforced it with an alternate reality I was living in; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject my responsibility to direct my experience by escaping into fantasies where I am “saved”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within my experience I am the one who has to change in order for the world to change.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself going into fantasies and daydreams, to stop myself and return here through breathing, and to remind myself of the consequences of living within mind-realities (manifesting what I am within those images into the physical reality). I commit myself to examine why and how I went into fantasizing, and to forgive myself what I discover.

I commit myself to live as my response-ability to direct my own experience by staying here in breath for as much as I am able to.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to notice the situations where I still expect to be “saved” and to instead carry myself by standing within myself as breath, here.

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