26-28102012
I noticed an interesting reaction
within myself a couple of days ago. We had just performed the
anorexia play and after the bows a bunch of the audience members, who
were apparently very familiar with the other two actors (probably
neighbors and friends), came up to us and were so moved by the
performance that they hugged us. At first I noticed them hugging the
other actors and I realized the moment to be such where they would
want to hug me as well – within a fraction of a second I thought to
myself that these people are strangers, I do not know them, is it
appropriate to hug them, do they want to hug me, what if they reject
me, is she going to hug me, is she coming my way, does she look like
she wants to – evaluating the situation to see whether a hug would
be ok or not. At first I reacted by going into a defensive state
where I felt slight horror (lol) like a deer in a headlight, but then
I realized that I was blocking something I actually find welcome and
allowed the hug to happen. The situation was so fast, though, that I
didn't have time to actually retreat from my mind and thus the
reservedness was still here when we engaged in a hug.
It seems I have programmed myself to
reject physical touch if certain requirements are not met. One of
them is that I have to know the person. Why? Because I fear
strangers, I think I cannot trust them. When and as I believe this I
don't see myself to be one and equal to the other as a fellow human
being. Why? Because I fear they may be something “more” than me
and prove themselves “better”, or that they may be cruel and want
to hurt me. In both cases I see danger, and in both I refuse to
realize we are all the same in essence, that the same fears reside in
all of us, and that to fear each other based on them is to imagine
walls between us. All of the fear is imaginary.
I also within the situation make myself
inferior to the other, as if I'd have no say in whether the hug is
going to happen or not. If I would stand as one and equal to the
other I could simply communicate that I do not want to be hugged,
although I cannot think of any other valid reason to refuse a hug
than the risk of actual physical pain or injury, if one has broken
bones for example. Those reasons could be communicated and what one
wanted to express with the hug could be shared otherwise.
Another point here seems to be “you
have to ask for my permission to touch me”, not realizing I give my
permission by allowing the hug to happen at all. Another way of
saying it would be “why do you think you're allowed to touch me”
which is aggression upon fear upon separation, and with the right
tone would also be really demeaning (= abusive) towards the other:
“why do you think you're allowed to touch me”,
another defense mechanism. “You can't just touch me without asking”
is again related to the inferiority point: expecting another to limit
their expression according to my fears, making myself helpless to
stop the touch and thus abdicating my response-ability within the
situation.
What I fear within exposing oneself to
physical touch is vulnerability. I am then easiest to bring down, and
that's why it's so difficult for me to sometimes relax as I touch
another. I'm trying to slowly bring into reality the realization that
when I'm most “exposed” or least hidden, I am actually at my
strongest and not weakest, because when I stand here as my actual
self within self-honesty, not cloaked in personas or images, there is
nothing that can bring me down unless I accept and allow it. What's
stopping me from actualizing this realization are the many fears that
jam me when I try to change myself within actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define people I am not familiar with as
“strangers”, believing them to be different and thus separate
from the people I am familiar with, not realizing we are all one and
equal to each other and that although unique, each human being is the
same in essence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the word “stranger” itself
contains the definition of separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to all human
beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am inferior to an unfamiliar person
because she shows affection towards people she is familiar with and I
fear she might not show that to me because I perceive myself
unfamiliar to her, not realizing she might not see me as unfamiliar.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I would
act and prepare myself accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe another is going to act like I expect
all people to act and prepare myself accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel “safe” to touch those who I'm familiar
with, not realizing I then create the polarity that is “unsafe”
with those I am not familiar with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear others would judge me if I hugged a person
I am not familiar with, because that would be defined as
“inappropriate” - a definition existing completely within my mind
which I project on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will be judged if I don't act according
to the norm, not realizing I create the norm myself and manifest and
validate it as I live fearing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be intimidated by another's will/initiation to
engage in physical touch, perceiving him/her to be “assertive”
and not at all considering how I would like to direct the situation -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “give
up” my directive power to those I have perceived and defined to be
“assertive” as I have perceived “assertiveness” to be “more
powerful” than I am, not realizing I make myself smaller than I
actually am and define myself as “not assertive” as I define
another to be “more” and abdicate my responsibility to be the
director of my experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define extrovertedness and expressiveness as
“assertiveness”, as I have separated myself from that which is
expressed by stating “I can't do that” or “that's too much for
me”, not realizing I limit myself from expressing myself as I
actually am as life by saying I am not able to do something even
though other people are able to - I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize all human beings as life
have the same capacity of expression, and that I, too, am able to
express myself in all the ways I see people around me expressing
themselves, and more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for clues in another person on whether
he/she wants to engage in physical touch or not, trying to minimize
the risk of getting rejected myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear rejection as I have perceived another to
have the power to cause me that uncomfortable experience, not
realizing I cause it myself by secretly wishing for something that
represents acceptance (hug, kiss, touch, word, look) and reacting
when I don't get the image I wish for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe certain actions to be symbols of
acceptance that can be exchanged within the relationship game and the
received amount of which indicates how well you're doing in the game,
not realizing all of this is an image and a lie we have all agreed to
act out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become sad and lonely as I have perceived
myself to be “losing” in the game, isolating myself even more as
I have not seen myself as one and equal to those I have perceived to
be “winning”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel “less” as another receives a symbol of
acceptance and I don't, not realizing I'm limiting myself from ever
experiencing the actual reality as I perceive the world as
relationships to be a limited game.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize I create the game as symbols of
acceptance by living out behavioral patterns that state some certain
actions to be reserved for certain situations and certain people, not
including all people in all activity. [These I've got to go through
in writing of its own. Note to self: relationship rituals]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear getting hurt if I expose myself to
physical touch.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the word “expose” contains the
definition that something is revealed from underneath, and that to
say I “expose” myself is to say I am underneath something and not
here as only myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I think I am
“exposing” myself I uphold the personas I hide underneath, and
that to stop using the word “expose” is to assist myself in
letting go of hiding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think of touch as “exposing”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think of being “exposed” to touch as making
oneself vulnerable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the nature of touch - which is to be
here unconditionally and inescapably in the physical – to be
exposing, meaning what I am here in the physical is something I
myself find strange and unfamiliar; I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I have
feared to be touched is because I have been so estranged from myself
as I have lived with no self-intimacy that I have not been connected
to and aware of what I actually am as a physical being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being exposed” is
actually fear of myself being uncovered to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the fear of “being vulnerable”
is actually fear of seeing myself uncovered as I actually am.
--
Okay, so what I see now here is that as
I go into the fear of being exposed to myself as I am to engage in
physical contact with another, I retreat away from my body into my
mind in order to avoid facing that which I am here as physical
expression. A lot of things start to make sense. How it manifests in
my physical being is usually by “freezing” completely – as
muscles tensioning, not sensing my limbs, not moving, not initiating,
not being here as an entire body and an entire being, a total state
of helplessness where I accept and allow myself to be directed by
others. This is very interesting, because it opens a new dimension
into how I have created myself the experience of being sexually
abused. I'll look into it in separate writings.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define a hug as something that is “more”
meaningful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define a hug as something “special” that
happens between people who care for each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe only those who are familiar with each
other are able to care for each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the audience members were actually
already quite familiar with me as they had watched me onstage for the
past 2 hours, and that their experience of our familiarity was
different from mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize I as an actor become familiar with
the audience as I stand face to face with them actively for two
hours.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be familiar with every manifestation of
life I meet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe in the separation between a performer
and the audience.
I commit myself to explore physical
touch with people as well as all living things in order to locate the
mind-reality I have painted upon the physical reality in order to let
it go and experience life as it actually is.
I commit myself to write about the
points I locate as I explore physical touch in order to eventually
get through each one and let none slip.
I commit myself, when and as I make
myself inferior to others, to breathe and remind myself I am in fact
one and equal to all.
I
commit myself, when and as I see another to be separate from me, to
breathe and remind myself we are in fact one and equal to each other.
I
commit myself to realize the amount of affection as physical touch is
not a constant and that for it to exist elsewhere it doesn't have to
not exist within my experience.
I
commit myself to investigate and push through the borders of my
comfort zone of self-expression in the physical in order to expand
myself through facing my resistance consistently.
I
commit myself to realize a hug is just a touch.
I
commit myself to get to know myself by investigating myself and
returning myself here where I can actually face myself as what I have
accepted and allowed myself to become.
I
commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to escape myself,
as I now realize I have nothing to fear in myself.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti