"Fuck, am I getting fat again?"
As I've been consuming a lot of energy
lately I have also changed the way I eat and the amount of food I eat
in order to get the energy and nutrition I need to stay healthy. When
I kept my eating habits the way they were I lost weight and got
weaker due to malnutrition, and I have been feeling quite good and
nourished now that I've adapted to my current rhythm.
The good thing about all this is that I
really enjoy food and it's awesome to be able to eat plenty and not
have to feel guilty about it. The downside is I fear I'll get fat
again; I'm hypersensitive to all changes in my body and react when I
perceive myself to have gained weight.
The thing is, I have lived through
times when I have simply eaten too much considering my energy
consumption and consequently gotten overweight, and I have done it
not simply out of the pleasure of eating but also as escapism. I
haven't really looked into why and how I made food an escape route,
and right now as I write I'm starting to realize that the current
pleasure I get from eating may contain traces of the past experience.
Right now I'm trying to balance not eating too much and not eating
too little as I realize both will make me sick, but the fact that I
have to balance between the two and perceive myself to “slip” to
one extreme or another every now and then implies that I'm not
stable, my relationship to food and eating is not stable. My body
knows what it needs and how much it needs, so why not just listen to
what it says? Even though I know how to listen to my body and mostly
do, I still fall into fear of damaging myself and end up doing it as
the fear distracts me (I as the fear distract myself) from listening
to myself.
I may for example fear in advance that
during a busy day that's still ahead I will not have the time to eat
/ I don't have sufficient food with me to eat on the go and thus end
up eating too little and damaging myself. I will then go into a
“survival mode” where I search for all possible ways to get food
during the day and decide on one and focus on that one source of
food, and as I get the food I eat it whether I'm actually hungry or
not, because it's the “only” chance for me to eat during the day.
That's where I stop listening to my body, not giving it food when it
requires it but convincing myself I can “eat in advance”, as if
the food would store itself somewhere, not realizing the body doesn't
consume energy in big chunks but in moderate portions as I consume
energy, according to the amount I consume. I end up eating because of
fear of possible future events (not getting food when needed) and
then it is not my body that eats, it's my mind.
Will continue with this tomorrow.
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