I have been resisting writing about
this. I've justified postponing it, as I've had other things to write
about, I've had stuff I need to get done first, I've been busy, etc.
Right now as I try to begin my body goes into a state of weariness,
slouching and wanting to quit and have a break from writing even
though I just had a break. I am here, I breathe, I write.
A couple of weeks ago I opened up the
point of “evil girls vs. good girls”. I noticed I had created
definitions as a child (probably from the first grade of elementary
school) when I noticed some girls got along with boys easily and some
did not, myself included. The girls that were “at ease” played
with the boys, talked with the boys, and later even dated and
experienced intimacy with boys, and throughout my childhood I
accumulated an experience of “unfairness” that during my teenage
years manifested as the definition that the girls who were “at
ease” I perceived to be “easy” as well as “evil” and
“dirty”. The girls who were “not at ease” I defined as “hard
to get” and “good” and “pure”. I have some memories of my
early school years where I refuse to play kissing tag with the boys
and girls (a game where the chaser gets to kiss whoever he/she
catches) because I'm so estranged from the boys that I actually fear
them and kissing. My separation of girls into “good” and “bad”
has started that early, as I have watched the other girls play with
the boys and felt like I was missing out on something.
In my early teenage years I started to
openly judge the “bad” girls, as I was actually really jealous of
what they got to experience. I hoped forming relationships with boys
wasn't so difficult for me – that I wouldn't make it difficult –
and within that want I feared I would never get to experience what
the “bad” girls experienced. I tried to compensate by making what
I was (“not at ease”) into something that was “more” than the
“bad” girls: I started to believe it was “better” and
“superior” and “smarter” to be “hard to get”, and thus
created myself more limitation and resistance to face boys.
I have no idea where, when or how I've
become like this. I remember having been ashamed of my body ever
since first grade (a lot of my issues surfaced as I was exposed to
the social environment of school, yet I don't know if that's where
they actually begun). My shame of my body limited me from getting to know my
body for a long time, and I didn't have wholesome knowledge of myself
as a physical being until recent years. I was especially alienated
from my genitalia, which I did not want to touch or look at, or to be
looked at (thus I avoided nudity). How I became what I have been and
am now is still a mystery to me, but I think it may be linked to my
mother, as I have learned her presence and behavior as a young child
(pre-school). I don't remember ever being abused as a child, so I'm
pretty sure it's nothing that extreme.
During my early teenage years I started
to think of sex as something especially “dirty”, “evil” and
“forbidden”, as I had no idea what it was and was afraid of the
unknown, and attempted to gain some power over those who I perceived
to be superior to me (boys and the “bad” girls). To admit to
being afraid of sex and/or not knowing what it is was out of question
within the school environment, so I suppressed the fears and doubts
and replaced them with the definitions I created and believed. I
never dated anyone even though I had huge crushes on guys, because I
feared the possibilities for interaction within a relationship so
much I refused to even think about them and thus shut myself up
completely from everything romantic. I had “daydreams” all the
time within my mind, romantic scenarios of warm and fuzzy feelings,
as I felt it was the only safe place to experience intimacy. But when
it came to actually facing a guy, I was so overwhelmed with
nervousness that I clammed up.
It was not until high school when I had
a “sexual awakening”, where I realized I too am a sexual being
and have these odd and wonderful sensations and desires. I still
hadn't experienced anything intimate with anyone (on both physical
and emotional levels) but as my curiosity for sex grew I opened up to
possible relationships a little more. The stigma for sex was still
there, but diminished as I realized I too have the freedom to have
sex if I want to.
---
Intimacy = in to me see
The issue lies within all intimacy; all
communication as honesty and openness, including conversation,
presence, touch, sex, all kinds of sharing.
Origin of the word 'intimate' is in
Latin: intimare 'impress, make familiar', from intimus
'inmost'.
I haven't been able to be self-intimate
as I haven't been self-honest, and if I want to understand and live
intimacy I have to start with myself. I haven't allowed myself to
realize the one limiting me is myself. I haven't been honest about
the reasons I have had trouble with intimacy as I have blamed it on
others: “I can't trust people”, “I was abused”, “you made
me like this”, “I'm better off like this”, “I don't need
friends”, “sex is irrelevant”, “men only want sex”, etc.
I don't have memories from the time
before school began. I know that I was always with my mother and at
some point created a fear of “getting lost” (being left alone in
a strange environment = not trusting myself to take care of myself =
complete dependency on parents). As I was always with my mother my
environment always stayed familiar, and perhaps the shock of entering
school / getting used to always being “safe” is the reason I shut
myself up.
Writing this down now that I remember
it: I remember that as a child before school I also developed
claustrophobia. Why have I been so ridden with different fears?
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