07-09102012
I have been afraid to let strange
people close to me by for example not initiating contact with
strangers or avoiding being taken contact with. I have thought to
myself: “I am afraid of getting hurt.” By that I have meant I'm
afraid the stranger might hurt or abuse me (physically or mentally)
if I get too close and/or if I open up.
Now, the mental “injury” I have
feared has been what exactly? Being insulted, questioned, ridiculed,
challenged. I have not realized I am the one to allow the “injury”
to happen by accepting and allowing it through reacting. Also, being
questioned and challenged is actually a good thing, as it helps me
face myself, question myself and speak out the reasons behind my
principles and actions – being questioned helps me find the borders
of my comfort zone.
When it comes to physical injury I have
been terrified of men especially, as I am “weaker” in terms of
physical strength. What I have not realized is that the physical body
of a woman has other qualities that are equal to the strength
attribute of a man, such as speed and accuracy, and that there's also
great variation among individuals (for example a strong woman may
overpower a weak man). Another thing I have not realized is that the
risk of violence can be noticeably reduced by seeing the other for
who he/she actually is (which requires me to actually be here) and
communicating accordingly. Provoking too bears its consequences.
Now, as I look at what I have been
afraid of the fears aren't valid at all. All of these
“confrontations” make me face who I am in those situations, and
thus the fear is actually fear of facing myself. Once I get to a
point where I actually know myself for what I've accepted and allowed
myself to become there's nothing left to fear, not forgetting common
sense is a good tool for evaluating a situation and possible actual
risks within it.
--
What I wrote here concerns mainly
interaction with strangers in public places, such as streets or
shops. Situations that are more intimate are somewhat more complex.
Why I chose to write about public interaction with strangers is that
I have due to some actual events become afraid of being attacked on
the streets. I realized today it might be a good thing to open that
up as well.
I have a memory from high school where
I went to a fast food restaurant with my friends to eat and hang out.
When we were at the counter placing our orders, a hobo walked in
highly drunk and messed up. I can't remember what it was he was doing
or talking about, other than him being really out of it, somewhat
calm and complimenting me for something I was wearing, which to me at
the time was something that I was definitely not used to and made me
feel good about myself. We went to our table and the staff asked the
man to leave, which he did. A moment later I was in the bathroom next
to the cashier counter, and through the door I heard the man coming
back shouting and trashing the place, banging on tables and walls and
also the locked door of the bathroom. His sudden aggression was
overwhelming to me, as he had just been there and I had thought him
to be “a nice fellow” because of his compliment, and I felt I was
at real danger just because he had paid some attention to me just
moments before. I did not consider I had no idea what he was actually
going through and why he was aggressive (whatever he was high on was
just bringing up the aggression, they're never the actual reason
behind it) and instantly believed his attack to be against me instead
of the restaurant for example, which is much more plausible as they
had just thrown him out. Even though after the shock had faded I
realized it probably was about the restaurant, I believed that if I
had not been safe inside the bathroom, he would have picked me from
the crowd to assault as he had picked me to compliment just earlier.
Within that belief I was making myself “more” through imagined
victimizing. “He would have chosen me! I would have been hurt! ME!”
The happenings above did their part in
morphing my perception of the consequences of “standing out” in a
crowd. I had been dressing unconventionally for some years and
learned that it drew extreme reactions from the people around me:
some were overtly accepting and supportive, while others were
aggressive, offensive and hateful. I learned quickly to be afraid of
the negative responses and to expect pretty much anything. I did not
want to stop dressing up as it was something I genuinely enjoyed and
expressed myself with and I did not want to compromise myself for
others, so I created ways to defend myself from the negative
feedback. As a defense mechanism I introverted more and created a
“cool” character who “did not care” about the negative
feedback, so that the insults would roll off me like water from
steel. As a result I could no longer take in the positive feedback
either. I became more fearful and doubted every piece of feedback I
received, as I was never sure whether it was just hidden disdain or
if I was misinterpreting negative to be positive, and as I refused to
deal with the negative feedback it became a thorn in my side eating
me up. Eventually expressing myself through clothing twisted into
dressing myself up as a character, where I was constantly looking for
validation by searching and begging for feedback.
Now, what this has to do with
interactions with strangers in public places is the way I position
myself to strangers. When I started to dress up and noticed it was
reacted to, I gave my power to define myself away to the “authority”
on the streets. The better/flashier/bolder/more creative I dressed
up, the bigger the reactions – the bigger my energy high when
receiving encouragement. But as the high got bigger, so did the low,
and eventually I became so fearful of the negative feedback that I
stopped dressing up. I would spend hours designing what to wear,
making myself a moving piece of art, and eventually not going out at
all as I was so afraid of judgement. How this is still seen in my
being as I'm at a public place I am very aware of what I look like:
what my general impression is, what do certain pieces of clothing say
about me, how do I move within an outfit, what does my appearance say
about my income, ideals, interests, values, sexual preference,
physical expression. I still constantly think about how another sees
me and how that might affect the way they interact with me, and
within this I give them the power over our possible interaction, as I
let them define me within their perception and sometimes even act
accordingly.
--
Another thing about the fear of being
attacked on the streets is the fact that I have been followed by
strange men on some nights I have walked home from the city centre,
and they have been situations that could have ended up badly had I
not communicated myself very straightforwardly, and even that might
not have been enough – in the end I may have just been lucky, I
really don't know. There's also one incident where have let a man I
just met into my apartment to spend the night on my couch, and he
ended up assaulting me. I realize what part I played in creating that
situation and I do not blame him for what happened, but that still
left me a fear of strangers as I can never be sure what lies
underneath a surface carefully put together. Correction: I may never
be sure, but I sure as hell may have a strong clue, as I am not blind
nor deaf. Back then I was worse at reading people I am now, and I
would not repeat the same choices now.
But I digress. The clothing point I
need to open up separately, as it too is vast, as well as my history
with sexual abuse. In my self-forgiveness now I will focus on my
original point of interacting with strangers as I am now instead of
going through all of my past events. One point at a time, girl, one
at a time.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear interacting with another being I have not
yet met, talked with or been introduced to, within the fear
separating myself from the other and not realizing we are both equal
as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I cannot trust another being I have not
yet met, talked with or been introduced to, not realizing it's not
about trusting the other but about trusting myself and standing
within myself as life facing life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear another being would harm me in spite of us
being equal within and as life, not realizing that as I separate
myself from the other I don't actually see that we are one and equal
and manifest the consequences myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from another as I have given
them authority over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from others by wearing
characters within which I have perceived myself to be “more”, as
I have tried to ignore the consequences of the authority I have given
to others which I have perceived to be “making” me “less”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I can avoid getting hurt or
uncomfortable by avoiding interaction with beings I have not yet met,
talked with or been introduced to, not realizing I am actually just
curling up within my comfort zone and limiting myself from expanding
outside of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that to open up to another being is to
be vulnerable, when in fact as I stand within and as myself as life
HERE I am invincible, simultaneously impenetrable and already
penetrated, as I stand as self-honesty, uncovered.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that getting physically closer to
another is to be more vulnerable, when in fact it is just that, just
being physically closer – I now see and realize I have actually
been afraid that the other will see me for who I am if I get closer,
that my self-deception and characters will come tumbling down, and
within that I have been afraid of facing myself for what I have
accepted and allowed myself to become. I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself through interaction
with another being for what I have accepted and allowed myself to
become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear being insulted and/or ridiculed, not
realizing I am the one giving the other the authority to
insult/ridicule me, and that I am the one accepting and allowing
myself to react to the other being's reaction to me, within all this
abandoning my responsibility to direct my experience as I have blamed
my experience of “getting insulted/ridiculed” on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear another will abuse their perceived
physical “superiority” over me, not realizing the “superiority”
is only my perception which I do not know for a fact and that the
possibility the being at hand would ever resort to abuse is also my
perception and might not be true. Thus I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to avoid interaction with those I have
perceived to be physically “superior” and with a possibility for
abusive behavior, not realizing I am limiting myself through
prejudice and that instead of “protecting” myself I actually harm
myself.
I commit myself to stop separating
myself from others through fear as I now see, realize and understand
that we are all one and equal as life and can not be separated.
I commit myself to no longer blame
others for my experience of emotional pain/hurt/discomfort, as I now
see, realize and understand I am the one accepting and allowing
myself to react with pain/hurt/discomfort and thus am responsible for
my own experience. Within this I commit myself to carry my
responsibility to stop and re-direct my experience as the creator of
my experience.
I commit myself, when and as I am faced
with the fear of getting hurt as I interact with an unfamiliar being,
to stop my experience, face my fear, see it with self-honesty, return
to breath, self-forgive and let it go as I now see, understand and
realize that I am the one creating my experience of fear and that
when I stand within myself as self-honesty I return to being HERE and
being life – and that from the starting point of life I am able to
stand as that which is best for all within every interaction, every
single moment of breath.
I commit myself to support and assist
myself to face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to
become in order to live as self-honesty, because I now see and
realize that if I keep refusing to see myself for what I actually am
I will keep on living a lie and will never be free – I now see and
realize it is not valid to fear myself as I have accepted and allowed
what I am now to come into existence myself: thus I commit myself to
face and embrace myself for all that I am in order to forgive myself,
let go of the past and direct myself as life.
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