tiistai 9. lokakuuta 2012

Days 16 & 17: fear of assault


07-09102012

I have been afraid to let strange people close to me by for example not initiating contact with strangers or avoiding being taken contact with. I have thought to myself: “I am afraid of getting hurt.” By that I have meant I'm afraid the stranger might hurt or abuse me (physically or mentally) if I get too close and/or if I open up.

Now, the mental “injury” I have feared has been what exactly? Being insulted, questioned, ridiculed, challenged. I have not realized I am the one to allow the “injury” to happen by accepting and allowing it through reacting. Also, being questioned and challenged is actually a good thing, as it helps me face myself, question myself and speak out the reasons behind my principles and actions – being questioned helps me find the borders of my comfort zone.

When it comes to physical injury I have been terrified of men especially, as I am “weaker” in terms of physical strength. What I have not realized is that the physical body of a woman has other qualities that are equal to the strength attribute of a man, such as speed and accuracy, and that there's also great variation among individuals (for example a strong woman may overpower a weak man). Another thing I have not realized is that the risk of violence can be noticeably reduced by seeing the other for who he/she actually is (which requires me to actually be here) and communicating accordingly. Provoking too bears its consequences.

Now, as I look at what I have been afraid of the fears aren't valid at all. All of these “confrontations” make me face who I am in those situations, and thus the fear is actually fear of facing myself. Once I get to a point where I actually know myself for what I've accepted and allowed myself to become there's nothing left to fear, not forgetting common sense is a good tool for evaluating a situation and possible actual risks within it.

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What I wrote here concerns mainly interaction with strangers in public places, such as streets or shops. Situations that are more intimate are somewhat more complex. Why I chose to write about public interaction with strangers is that I have due to some actual events become afraid of being attacked on the streets. I realized today it might be a good thing to open that up as well.

I have a memory from high school where I went to a fast food restaurant with my friends to eat and hang out. When we were at the counter placing our orders, a hobo walked in highly drunk and messed up. I can't remember what it was he was doing or talking about, other than him being really out of it, somewhat calm and complimenting me for something I was wearing, which to me at the time was something that I was definitely not used to and made me feel good about myself. We went to our table and the staff asked the man to leave, which he did. A moment later I was in the bathroom next to the cashier counter, and through the door I heard the man coming back shouting and trashing the place, banging on tables and walls and also the locked door of the bathroom. His sudden aggression was overwhelming to me, as he had just been there and I had thought him to be “a nice fellow” because of his compliment, and I felt I was at real danger just because he had paid some attention to me just moments before. I did not consider I had no idea what he was actually going through and why he was aggressive (whatever he was high on was just bringing up the aggression, they're never the actual reason behind it) and instantly believed his attack to be against me instead of the restaurant for example, which is much more plausible as they had just thrown him out. Even though after the shock had faded I realized it probably was about the restaurant, I believed that if I had not been safe inside the bathroom, he would have picked me from the crowd to assault as he had picked me to compliment just earlier. Within that belief I was making myself “more” through imagined victimizing. “He would have chosen me! I would have been hurt! ME!”

The happenings above did their part in morphing my perception of the consequences of “standing out” in a crowd. I had been dressing unconventionally for some years and learned that it drew extreme reactions from the people around me: some were overtly accepting and supportive, while others were aggressive, offensive and hateful. I learned quickly to be afraid of the negative responses and to expect pretty much anything. I did not want to stop dressing up as it was something I genuinely enjoyed and expressed myself with and I did not want to compromise myself for others, so I created ways to defend myself from the negative feedback. As a defense mechanism I introverted more and created a “cool” character who “did not care” about the negative feedback, so that the insults would roll off me like water from steel. As a result I could no longer take in the positive feedback either. I became more fearful and doubted every piece of feedback I received, as I was never sure whether it was just hidden disdain or if I was misinterpreting negative to be positive, and as I refused to deal with the negative feedback it became a thorn in my side eating me up. Eventually expressing myself through clothing twisted into dressing myself up as a character, where I was constantly looking for validation by searching and begging for feedback.

Now, what this has to do with interactions with strangers in public places is the way I position myself to strangers. When I started to dress up and noticed it was reacted to, I gave my power to define myself away to the “authority” on the streets. The better/flashier/bolder/more creative I dressed up, the bigger the reactions – the bigger my energy high when receiving encouragement. But as the high got bigger, so did the low, and eventually I became so fearful of the negative feedback that I stopped dressing up. I would spend hours designing what to wear, making myself a moving piece of art, and eventually not going out at all as I was so afraid of judgement. How this is still seen in my being as I'm at a public place I am very aware of what I look like: what my general impression is, what do certain pieces of clothing say about me, how do I move within an outfit, what does my appearance say about my income, ideals, interests, values, sexual preference, physical expression. I still constantly think about how another sees me and how that might affect the way they interact with me, and within this I give them the power over our possible interaction, as I let them define me within their perception and sometimes even act accordingly.

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Another thing about the fear of being attacked on the streets is the fact that I have been followed by strange men on some nights I have walked home from the city centre, and they have been situations that could have ended up badly had I not communicated myself very straightforwardly, and even that might not have been enough – in the end I may have just been lucky, I really don't know. There's also one incident where have let a man I just met into my apartment to spend the night on my couch, and he ended up assaulting me. I realize what part I played in creating that situation and I do not blame him for what happened, but that still left me a fear of strangers as I can never be sure what lies underneath a surface carefully put together. Correction: I may never be sure, but I sure as hell may have a strong clue, as I am not blind nor deaf. Back then I was worse at reading people I am now, and I would not repeat the same choices now.

But I digress. The clothing point I need to open up separately, as it too is vast, as well as my history with sexual abuse. In my self-forgiveness now I will focus on my original point of interacting with strangers as I am now instead of going through all of my past events. One point at a time, girl, one at a time.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with another being I have not yet met, talked with or been introduced to, within the fear separating myself from the other and not realizing we are both equal as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot trust another being I have not yet met, talked with or been introduced to, not realizing it's not about trusting the other but about trusting myself and standing within myself as life facing life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another being would harm me in spite of us being equal within and as life, not realizing that as I separate myself from the other I don't actually see that we are one and equal and manifest the consequences myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another as I have given them authority over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by wearing characters within which I have perceived myself to be “more”, as I have tried to ignore the consequences of the authority I have given to others which I have perceived to be “making” me “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can avoid getting hurt or uncomfortable by avoiding interaction with beings I have not yet met, talked with or been introduced to, not realizing I am actually just curling up within my comfort zone and limiting myself from expanding outside of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to open up to another being is to be vulnerable, when in fact as I stand within and as myself as life HERE I am invincible, simultaneously impenetrable and already penetrated, as I stand as self-honesty, uncovered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that getting physically closer to another is to be more vulnerable, when in fact it is just that, just being physically closer – I now see and realize I have actually been afraid that the other will see me for who I am if I get closer, that my self-deception and characters will come tumbling down, and within that I have been afraid of facing myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself through interaction with another being for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being insulted and/or ridiculed, not realizing I am the one giving the other the authority to insult/ridicule me, and that I am the one accepting and allowing myself to react to the other being's reaction to me, within all this abandoning my responsibility to direct my experience as I have blamed my experience of “getting insulted/ridiculed” on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another will abuse their perceived physical “superiority” over me, not realizing the “superiority” is only my perception which I do not know for a fact and that the possibility the being at hand would ever resort to abuse is also my perception and might not be true. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid interaction with those I have perceived to be physically “superior” and with a possibility for abusive behavior, not realizing I am limiting myself through prejudice and that instead of “protecting” myself I actually harm myself.



I commit myself to stop separating myself from others through fear as I now see, realize and understand that we are all one and equal as life and can not be separated.


I commit myself to no longer blame others for my experience of emotional pain/hurt/discomfort, as I now see, realize and understand I am the one accepting and allowing myself to react with pain/hurt/discomfort and thus am responsible for my own experience. Within this I commit myself to carry my responsibility to stop and re-direct my experience as the creator of my experience.

I commit myself, when and as I am faced with the fear of getting hurt as I interact with an unfamiliar being, to stop my experience, face my fear, see it with self-honesty, return to breath, self-forgive and let it go as I now see, understand and realize that I am the one creating my experience of fear and that when I stand within myself as self-honesty I return to being HERE and being life – and that from the starting point of life I am able to stand as that which is best for all within every interaction, every single moment of breath.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in order to live as self-honesty, because I now see and realize that if I keep refusing to see myself for what I actually am I will keep on living a lie and will never be free – I now see and realize it is not valid to fear myself as I have accepted and allowed what I am now to come into existence myself: thus I commit myself to face and embrace myself for all that I am in order to forgive myself, let go of the past and direct myself as life.

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