29102012
Today I've been spending some time off
after over two months of running around and I faced a point of
anxiety when within four walls for a long period of time (= many
hours within one day). I call it the “seinähullu” personality.
“Seinähullu” is a very describing finnish word that basically
means “completely mad”, consisting of the words 'seinä' (=
'wall') and 'hullu' (= 'crazy'). This “wallcrazy” personality has
been around for a long time and I now started to track it down and
see what it's actually about.
I remember that as a teenager when I
lived within and as depression and developed anxiety and panic
disorders I started to experience this phenomenon. I spent most of my
free time on the computer: reading stuff, looking at pictures,
watching TV shows, chatting with people – being completely and
utterly bored out of my mind. When my boredom became overwhelmingly
heavy I usually left the house to shake off my anxiety. I had long
walks in the middle of the night just wandering around the small
town, escaping my tiny and messy room and all the mind-shit I painted
on top of my reality in that specific location. I had a very
interesting relationship to my room, as it was both a sanctuary and a
tomb, but that I will open up in separate writing when I eventually
start going through the depression era.
Later as I have lived on my own I have
spent a lot of time simply within my apartment. I've lived through
periods of unemployment where all I've had on my hands has been time
and that small space of my own which was all I could afford. I had no
money for activities; no hobbies (besides theatre which was free), no
events, no traveling, no food, no alcohol, no parties, nothing I had
learned to be an experience worth living for. That time taught me a
lot about what's actually enjoyable in life as life, but as a result
I also secluded myself from others more and more as I at the time
hanged out with people who thought that meaningful social interaction
always included some money-spending related activity. As I spent a
lot of time by myself in my apartment I always eventually got anxious
within the four walls, becoming “wallcrazy”, the anxiety of being
secluded becoming so heavy I had no choice but to move myself and go
out. What I did then was usually going into nature, taking walks,
climbing a hill, walking in a forest, standing in the rain, lying in
snow, hugging trees – immersing myself in nature just to feel I'm
alive at all. Sometimes I called a friend to have a contact to
something living through people, but mostly I didn't, because I
didn't have many friends and I didn't think I had a big enough reason
to call them up [a point of communication I'm opening up in writing
at the moment]. Sometimes instead of going outside I made the indoors
a more comfortable place to be in by for example lighting candles,
putting on music or burning incense – giving myself an extra
sensual experience in my environment to forget the environment that
was causing me anxiety – refusing to just stop and be within my
environment and creating an extra environment within it to protect me
from it.
What I'm starting to realize here is
that all I've ever done is escape myself within those moments of
anxiety. I've gone after experiences of life existing around me –
reaching out to nature or people – to experience myself as a living
thing instead of realizing I don't need Life around me to be Life
myself. I haven't realized I am All-One as I am alone, I am Life no
matter what surrounds me. I have seen myself as less than life, not
one and equal to it, as I have perceived myself to require it's
presence in order to feel the life in me.
I now see boredom in fact has actually
never really existed within my experience, as I have never really had
a lack of things to do. Today as I've been home I've had a plenty of
things to do and yet the anxiety persona awoke, so it has nothing to
do with not having things to do. As a child I remember I often asked
my mother: “Mom, tell me what to do, I'm bored.” Even back then
it was never about not actually having anything to do or even about
not knowing all the things one could do, as a child simply does not
have all the knowledge, but about unwillingness to face oneself as
one is alone and to explore one's own self-expression. I'm not saying
I'm always anxious when I'm alone, no, but sometimes I am and I
haven't yet figured out what the exact correlation between time spent
alone and anxiety is: meaning I don't yet know what it is that makes
me anxious during certain times of being alone, as it doesn't always
happen.
Who am I with myself? How do I spend
time with myself? How am I with myself as Life? What am I as
self-expression as I am alone? How does my body actually feel? I now
see and realize the anxiety is not valid as the fear of oneself is
self-separation and thus not real, and I am glad I now get to explore
myself with myself from this starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize boredom has never actually existed
within my experience as I have always in fact had things to do – to
actually be bored would be to not have anything to do at all, which
is a state of being I can hardly imagine would even exist.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiencing life as doing something as tasks and activities, not realizing life is about simply being and expressing myself within and as myself within each and every moment, be there activity or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my experience of “boredom” to be
valid and true instead of stopping to breathe and realizing the
experience is a creation of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a result of separating
myself from myself when and as I have refused to see myself as one
and equal to Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to accumulate that experience of anxiety into such
amounts that I have been living within and as an anxiety disorder.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize my experience of “boredom” is
actually resistance to face myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be able to be bored in my own company.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the experience of being bored as I have
feared facing myself within boredom, creating resistance towards
boredom and escaping it through arranging myself a lot of activity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what I have defined as the
experience of boredom is actually the experience of not knowing what
to do next – a state of hesitation, where I have experienced
anxiety over the choices I have “had to” make as I have not
trusted myself as self-expression to make the “right choice”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not live as self-expression but to instead
escape myself and all potential to ever be myself by believing myself
to be “less than” Life and search for the experience of Life from
outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see myself as “less than” Life, limiting my
experience of myself to less than I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be here to explore myself as I am as an
expressive physical manifestation of Life that has the ability to
move, make sounds, breathe, see, taste, hear, smell and touch.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to limit my self-expression to characters even
when I am alone, as I have been afraid to simply be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape what I have accepted and allowed myself
to become as the circumstances I have accepted and allowed myself to
create for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility over myself as the
circumstances I have created for myself by believing the
circumstances “are not in my control”, refusing to face myself as
what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by feeling
uncomfortable within the circumstances I've created for myself and
wanting to escape them, not realizing I am then actually wanting to
escape myself as that which I have created around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize I have always been able to locate
the experience of anxiety as a certain kind of a feeling within a
certain spot in my body, indicating that I can release the experience
of anxiety if I release it from my body.
I commit myself to explore myself as an
expressive physical being by returning into my body from the mind
within and as breath and investigating what my body really is as
sensations and movement.
I commit myself to face myself as
myself as I now see, realize and understand there is no valid reason
to escape myself, and that the only way to ever live within and as
self-honesty is to face that which I actually am now.
I commit myself to realize all of my
experiences of my surroundings are of my own creation and that I thus
carry responsibility over my experience.
When and as I experience anxiety as I
spend time alone, I commit myself to stop, take a breath and realize
the anxiety is an energetic experience that I sense physically within
my body because I have created it within and as the mind, and that it
indicates I am trying to escape myself as self-expression. I commit
myself to then face what it is I'm escaping and why and accordingly
direct myself as movement.
I commit myself to stop being bored as
I now see and realize such a thing does not exist.
As I now see and realize I am one and
equal to all Life, I commit myself to realize I am in fact all the
Life I can or will ever experience as all I “receive” from my
surroundings as experiences I actually create myself; I cannot for
example live as the actual life experience of another person even
though I can be there to experience my own life experience in the
company of the person.
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