Day 12: SF, part 1 - fear of intimacy

03102012

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all intimacy, mental and physical, and allow that experience of fear to accumulate and grow to such an extent where I cannot face that which I fear at all and instead completely shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-intimate and self-honest, as I have been afraid that what I find within myself is something “wrong”, “dirty” and “evil”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to be evil without my own acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up what I have accepted and allowed myself to become with lies, definitions and justifications, and that I have believed these lies, definitions and justifications, not realizing I am doing it because I fear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I fear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my negative experience of life on others as I have believed the world is “untrustworthy”, “cruel” and “unjust”, not realizing all of my negative experiences are a manifestation of the fear of self that I create myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry my responsibility over my own experience as I have blamed it on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my experience of fear, feeding and growing it bigger as I have accepted and allowed myself to filter all information I receive in a way that supports my belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is not “the others” that are bringing me down but that it is myself, and that as I believe my experience as emotions, feelings, fears, desires, thoughts and moods unquestioned, I act against myself by not actually looking at and listening to myself. I now see and realize that as I believe an experience unquestioned, I give my responsibility over my experience to the experience itself, and if energy “takes the wheel” it only leads to more and bigger energy, until no more/bigger can be attained and the experience crashes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away the control of myself to energy, not realizing I am only hurting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself by not carrying my responsibility over my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and separate people into imaginary groups that represent polarities, as I have feared that which was alien and new to me and decided to stand separate from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the opposite of that which I perceived to be alien and thus separate from me, within that act believing that if I can't/won't/don't want to be something, I have to be it's opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that polarities ought to exist, and that I ought to “fill my spot” in order to “balance” a social setting, not realizing I am following a pattern that I and everyone else was preprogrammed to act out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am in fact one with and equal to everything, and that separation is merely my own creation that ceases to exist when and as I stop believing in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown within a new situation, actually being afraid of myself as I have been unsure of how (and if) I would be/act/survive within a situation I have never faced before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse taking part in an activity that I perceived to be “too much” or “overwhelming”, not realizing I simply didn't understand the activity and its point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate the fact that I didn't understand the activity as I was afraid of the unknown (= ultimately afraid of myself).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the activity as “aggressive” and react by withdrawing, as aggression was another thing I did not understand and trust myself to be able to face.


EDIT: A key point I'm realizing here is the fact that the fear of intimacy has actually been built upon fear of the unknown. Within the kissing tag memory I see that I did not understand kissing or boys or what the friction between boys and girls was about, that I simply did not know and understand, and within the fear of the unknown I did not trust myself to be able to face the unknown, as I could not look at myself and stand within myself to see whether or not I was able to face the unknown because I was afraid to look at myself and stand within myself. Thus all of the fear of intimacy has been based on fear of the unknown, as later I did not understand sex or relationships or even basic communication, and it all comes down to fear of myself.