Sex was never really discussed in our
family. My mother educated me about sex by borrowing children's books
that explained sex from the library and leaving them around the house
for me to find and read. Lol, it's actually kind of hilarious now
that I look at it. I see now what may have limited my mother from
communicating the information directly and how I've inherited her
issues and manifested the same kind of behavior myself refraining
from talking about sex unless absolutely necessary. My siblings never
talked about sex and I never attempted to discuss it with them. My
older brother was introverted and never talked about any personal
issues, my sister was living out the issues she, too, inherited from
our mother, and my younger brother was causing enough havoc for his
sexuality to ever be on top of any discussion. My father once
explained to me how chicken eggs fertilize by mechanically explaining
intercourse, but that was all we ever communicated about the subject.
At school my classmates were all one
year older than me, because I started school one year early as I was
already able to read and write at the age of 6. My younger age was
used as a weapon against me on many occasions and also concerning
sex: when we got around 10-12 years old sex became a topic that was
eagerly discussed but always in secret from the boys. When I had no
idea what anyone was talking about and asked questions (what are you
talking about, what is this, I don't understand, what is that word
you're using, what does it mean, I don't get it, why would any of
this happen), I got ridiculed and secluded from the discussion.
“You're too young to understand” is what I was told, even though
our age difference was actually really minor, and none of my friends
would explain to me what sex and relationships were about. It was a
position of disadvantage people liked having me in as I was then easy
to put down for others to elevate themselves, and I accepted and
allowed myself to stay in that position as did not know what else to
do than to succumb. Eventually I stopped asking questions and
gathered bits and pieces of information where I could, but mostly I
just resented the whole concept of sex not wanting to face my
insecurity about it.
What I could have done would have been
to ask directly from someone that would not have belittled me, such
as my family members, but as the topic was never there I didn't know
how to bring it up. I never considered discussing sex with my family,
and later on when my mother tried to when I had my first sexual
relationship in my older teens I got uncomfortable and refused to
communicate what I was experiencing. She respected my wish for
privacy and I was satisfied with that, when in fact I silently hoped
someone would tell me what the hell it's all about.
The reason I'm writing this is to peel
off the layers from the monster I have made sex into. I can see how
this communication point has affected my relationship to sex, how I
have made it something big and scary, not realizing sex is just sex,
a way of communicating in the physical, just a form of touch. How I
position myself in relation to sex, seeing myself as inferior to it,
is connected to how I perceived it to be a mystery which will not be
explained to me and with which no one will assist me. As I figured
it's something I have to deal with on my own I stopped trying to
communicate, and eventually did not communicate even within
relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to sex, not realizing
sex is not an entity separate from me but something I create within
and as human interaction, and thus as I am the one who creates it
it's inseparably and completely of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize sex is communication, as I have not
understood what communication in any of its forms really is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize sex is just a touch.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe sex is a “special” kind of touch
because of the position of “mystery” I placed it in due to lack
of information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe sex is a “mystery”, not realizing
it is accessible and knowable to everyone if we're simply HERE within
and as ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to suppress myself according to my
environment, as I learned human behavior from watching my family and
friends and repeating what they did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to suppress the questions I wanted to ask because
I perceived it to be a topic that was “not allowed”, as my family
never talked about it (the topic did not exist or was hidden) and my
friends put me down (the topic was secluded, forbidden and
dangerous).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame the world for not telling me what sex was
about while I stopped asking questions about it, not realizing it is
my responsibility to keep asking until I'm answered.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the world to be keeping a secret from
me, not realizing the information is there for me to find if I simply
look around patiently enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not ask for the information from the right
sources (adults) as I have been ashamed of being interested in sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive sex as something that ought to be
hidden.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if sex is a secret that
everyone wants to know, the most commonsensical action would be to
just lay it on the table and talk about it with everyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize everyone is interested in sex as it
is a part of the human being both biologically and psychologically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the rest of the world by
thinking it is not okay for me to have a sexuality even though
everyone else has one, thus making myself “special” through
victimizing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive my sexuality as something separate
from me, not realizing it is me and I am my sexuality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame the world to be “unfair” when some of
my friends “got to” experience sex and/or relationships when I
limited myself from it, not realizing I still had many friends who
did not experience sex and/or relationships and that my logic that
determined “unfairness” was thus invalid, as I was not the only
one “left out”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to be put down through ridicule,
mocking and demeaning by believing the things said about me to be
true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to react to being put down by feeling
sad and rejected, not realizing I'm not responsible for how others
perceive me and that nothing they say should be taken personally, as
they too are walking a process and the mocking is a point they have
to deal with themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to limit my communication according to
my emotional reactions, not realizing the reactions aren't real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame the world as other people for my
reactions, not realizing they are my own creation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I react with
sadness I perceive myself to be “powerless” to do anything about
the circumstances I'm in, separating myself from myself as I have not
realized I am the creator of all of my experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to secretly wish for someone to tell me what sex
is about but never ask anyone as I have faced rejection before and
believed I will face it again no matter who I ask, not realizing my
perception is limited and never the entire truth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lose hope and give up as I have faced
rejection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear communicating about sex as I have feared I
would be ridiculed and put down in the same way my friends did when I
was a child, seeing myself as “powerless” to direct my
experience.
I commit myself to be open to the topic
of sex within all communication by not rejecting the topic and
investigating and facing myself within communication that involves
sex, as I now see, realize and understand sex is not a “forbidden”
topic but simply a topic.
I commit myself to support and assist
myself within and as breath and with self-forgiveness to communicate
about sex.
I commit myself to demystify sex by no
longer keeping it hidden and thus living as an example.
I commit myself to support myself
through patience and kindness as I walk this point.
I commit myself to investigate myself
as a sexual being as I through consistency return myself into the
physical and let go of the mind in order to figure out what sexuality
really is.
I commit myself to walk this point
until it is done.
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