Days 31 & 32: Making friends, part 2

22-23102012

-- Anticipation and excitement --

As I found the note from the person I accepted and allowed myself to go into the energetic experience of joy through experiencing the relief as the polarity of regret. I was delighted to see she had as well noticed we got along well and I thought that what we had experienced had then probably been something genuine, requiring external validation to believe it. It was very natural for me to think I would of course contact her, but I then went into planning out how to do it. Through assessing the situation and thinking about the correct words and tones and maneuvers I allowed myself to go into anticipation, as I pushed the act of contacting her a little further from the moment the idea occurred in by justifying it with saying “I'm busy, I'm working, I'll do it when I get off from work” and allowing myself a little “planning time”, so that by the time I hit “send” on my phone I was within the mind as expectations, predictions, fears and future projections. Because of the accumulated hesitation, regret and relief my starting point was energy as I did not stop it and kept on going.

The good thing is I realized this before I met her again, and even though I hadn't yet had the time to write this point out I was at least aware of it and could investigate how it manifested in the actual situation where we met. That, however, is a point of its own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself as I am within an energetic mind-experience as feelings, emotions and images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require external validation for my experience as I have accepted and allowed myself to go into hesitation, regret and doubt, not realizing I am believing my back-chat to be real and that initially there was nothing to doubt about the experience as it was here unthinking as movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act immediately and justify it by thinking “this is not a good moment”, thus accepting and allowing myself to accumulate the mind-reality onto the initial idea that was self-expression and suppress and limit it through images and projections, as I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the moment to act is right here and now, within and as the breath that creates the movement my self would follow if unrestricted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future, guessing who the other person is and how she would react by planning how to communicate with her, not realizing it is all just guesswork and that none of it is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game of “making friends” by tip-toeing around the other within my communication planned according to the rules of the game, as I have been afraid of insulting the other and repelling her, wanting to be liked and accepted, perceiving and believing this course of action will get me that which I want. Within this I have not realized the social game of “making friends” is but an agreement where we have agreed to act out that which is not real by suppressing and limiting ourselves in order to allow everyone to stay within their comfort zone, and that the game is not real and that through the game no interaction is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty as I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game of “making friends”, not realizing I am not taking part in any actual interaction but only images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look forward to an upcoming interaction by projecting myself into the future as guesswork, not realizing I am creating expectations as the images I predict the situation to be like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an interaction to be enriching, joyful, lively and “worth it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear an interaction to be dull, meaningless, uncomfortable and “not worth it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create expectations towards an upcoming interaction, I will create myself the energetic experience of disappointment if the expectations are not met, as the reality does not go according to how I want it to be, not realizing the reality then seems “worse” than I thought only because I chose to limit my perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create fears towards an upcoming interaction, I will create myself the energetic experience of joy as the fears as images do not come true as expected and the reality then seems “better” than I though it was, not realizing the reality was always the same and I was simply limiting my perception of it.

I commit myself to stop my hesitation when and as it occurs, and as I then face it I commit myself to remind myself hesitation is but of the mind and that none of it is real, and if possible immediately self-forgive and redirect myself.

I commit myself, when and as I hesitate, to remind myself that there is no such thing as a “good moment”, and that all such definitions are of my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to act on an idea immediately if possible, as I now see and realize pushing the action further away will only make it harder to act at all, and I commit myself to investigate why I'm making it so difficult for myself to postpone acting on an idea (for practical reasons mostly) by going into the mind so easily in between the idea and the action.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stop participating in the social game of “making friends” as I now see and realize no interaction is real if manifested through the game.

I commit myself to stop myself as I notice myself creating expectations in any and all situations.

I commit myself to realize that the experience of excitement is energy and that as it will disappear it is not real, and that the value of human interaction is not based upon energy as I have grown to believe but upon life as actual presence.

-- Balancing a situation by becoming extrovert --

This is connected to the savior point. I have noticed that I have a tendency of attempting to “balance out” a situation by becoming the missing polarity: if another is extroverted I make myself “small”, and if another is introverted I make myself “big”. Within the situation I'm writing about I perceived this person to be introverted and shy, and I noticed myself perceiving myself to be “more” by simply initiating contact. I have previously in my life made friends with introverted people by becoming “more” than them, meaning more expressive, more open, more relaxed, more talkative, and sometimes also more masculine [connected to the sexuality point], all of this something I perceived them to “require” and “look for” and became what I perceived they wanted in order for me to be accepted and liked. Although subtle, the starting point for initiating contact was me trying to balance out what I perceived her to be, not realizing what I perceived may or may not be in accordance with the reality. The point is I was trying to be what I thought was “appropriate” or “expected” in order to be rewarded with acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my starting point was not within absolute self-honesty and thus it was not completely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though small-talk has its assisting purpose in bringing strange people closer to each other within a comfortable communication zone from which any kind of interaction may come about, the purpose will not be fulfilled if the starting point of the action is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I ought to become a polarity because of the belief that I cannot be what the other one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to what I perceive others to be because of the belief that I cannot be what others are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others by believing two or more people cannot be defined according to the same attributes, not realizing the problem lies within the act of defining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people according to what I perceive them to be and define myself accordingly, or the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to create definitions is to limit life in all its manifestations and to separate all manifestations of life from each other, not realizing life cannot be separated from itself as all is ONE and thus everyone is everything. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all of my definitions of people are a creation of the mind and that they are false.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a limited amount of all attributes and that not everyone can “have” the same attributes, not realizing the attributes I'm thinking of are all simply forms of self-expression and that all expression is limitless as it is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire acceptance and mold myself according to what I believe I'm “required” to be by an authority (the one who holds that which I want = acceptance from others), not realizing I myself am my only authority and that the “requirement” is created and believed by me within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire acceptance from an external source to validate my worth, not realizing I separate myself from myself as I believe I need another to tell me my existence is worthwhile, instead of standing within and as myself within and as life and realizing all life is of equal worth as all is one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe polarities ought to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I live according to the image of polarities and extremes I accept and allow myself to limit my expression according to the image, separating myself from that which lies beyond the image, disempowering myself to be my directive principle within and as myself.

I commit myself to investigate my behavior in order to figure out how I'm limiting myself according to my perception of others – what is it I deny myself to be because someone else is that already, or what I perceive to be “my place”, “my part” or “my character”.

I commit myself to stop trying to save others as it is not my responsibility to save anyone but myself.

I commit myself to realize and remind myself that the starting point of action is what defines whether one is acting to “save” another or to support and assist another, and that the starting point is crucial in the outcome.

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I realized the points “Sexual interest in women” and “What is it to know another?” are actually so vast that they cannot be covered only by looking at one individual situation. I will return to them in later writing.