Day 20: Why does everything have to have a point?

11102012

Spiritualism gives everything a “super-meaning”, making every single thing “epic” but making oneself small within all this epicness, not realizing one IS all the epic stuff. In fact nothing has a “point” as we understand it, and that's the magnificence of it.

When I got into witchcraft I had already for my whole life been very aware of the existence of a spiritual world that existed along with the physical reality. I did not have the words as a child, but I saw it to be something that existed separately from the physical, yet it was completely entwined with it; a “parallel universe” of sorts, another dimension that could be sensed in its entirety but not completely stepped into due to the physical bodies that cannot leave the physical existence. Throughout my childhood I experienced a presence of “spirits” every now and then, be it my deceased grand mother I thought to be my “guardian angel”, the ghosts of past tenants haunting our house or “memory stains” of past events in certain places. The invisible was very present to me and I often had dreams that I perceived to bear a message or a meaning.

Around the time I started to study witchcraft I had started to experience more and more vivid dreams, with clear audible voices and physical sensations. I could no longer ignore what I believed and perceived to be “a gift” that runs in our bloodline. Within the first 6 moths I went through an “enlightenment” of sorts when I became aware of the life all around me in all its different forms, realizing I'm not only a part of life and and awesome organism that is the Earth and the Universe but also life itself, and that I have creative power that can be used to shape my experience. I learned and believed I am not subject to the world, but not because I am the world in oneness and unity, but because I have a “special power” everyone has but I chose to harness.

The point where I fell was spiritualizing everything and experiencing it through an “energy high”, an energetic experience consisting of joy, sorrow and excitement. I started to make everything “special” and “holy”, soaking everything in meanings and symbols, missing the point of life entirely, and seeking from everything “the hidden purpose of The Universe [= God]”. I believed I could “bless” things by spending a “special” moment of thought, focus and “love” with them, and started to feel anxious for not being able to “bless” everything, as I cannot touch every tree, rock and person on this planet. I never thought of being able to “bless” everything at once simply by realizing we are all life and that as I “bless” myself as life by real-izing myself I bless all that is.

While I always searched for a “bigger meaning” I often lost a chance to actually experience what was present, be it people, places or events. I ended up understanding the reality less and less, as the “messages” I received, that may have originally even been something genuine but had now become a part of my delusion, were often conflicted and cryptic. What had originally brought me closer to reality started to push me further away from it.

Even though I've stopped believing in magic and spirits in the traditional sense (still searching for the truth behind my experiences), I still search for symbols and meanings for evidence of “the hidden truth”. The thing is, it's already here: the symbols I spot are in fact true, but not in a “bigger” sense. They're simply an indication of what's already here, present in the physical reality now. As I insisted on perceiving the truth as “hidden”, I separated myself from the truth not realizing in essence I am the truth, and abdicated my responsibility to act according to what's actually here by believing “I cannot know” and justifying my inaction. The over-spiritualizing was also a way to escape the reality, as I was going through a very rough time in my personal life and facing the world as it is was “too much” for me to face.

When the energetic experience faded after a couple of years - for example when enjoying nature I was simply within the nature without the “energy high” - I lived through a confusing period of time where I had no idea what I had done “wrong” in order to “lose my magic”. Some things still worked (and do even now) when others did not, and I lost my faith in what I had been doing for the past couple of years. I gave it up and to my surprise didn't really miss it. I'm still going to have to investigate how much of what I experienced was real and how much was not; nevertheless, I now know I caused all of it myself.

The reason I'm writing this is because I realized the habit of making stuff “more” by labeling them “special” is still present. Not only was it a big part of my world view for some time, it's something I've learned as a child to apply to relationships for example. We have our “special” people and “special” moments and “special” words and all that shit when in fact it's all just people and moments and words. I haven't realized that holding on to the “special” I hold on to it's polarity as well: when in think in terms of “special” and “not special”, I make some things “more” and others “less”, glorifying some experiences and resisting others. A reaction I usually face when I talk about this with people is “but if things weren't special, they wouldn't feel like anything! Why would we even live, then?”, and even though I'm no longer in that state of denial I still experience resistance letting go and occasionally even some sorrow. I need to find the cause of my resistance to be able to live unbound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is a “God” of some kind that is “bigger” than me or any other life form, not realizing life itself is “God” as One and All in every shape of its existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I as life am “God”, and as all of my existence is life, all of me is “God”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “a part of God”, not realizing the statement can also be read as “apart from God”; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as a creator and “God” by believing I am only a part of the creative force that has brought everything into existence instead of realizing I am that creative force itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify believing I am “a part of God” with the belief that all beings are “special” individuals and separate from each other, when in fact all of us physical particles of life are manifestations of the one and same force and thus are all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some things as “special/holy”, such as people, relationships, events, experiences, moments, places, words and memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to that which I've defined as “special”, wanting to hold on to the experience of “special” and fearing losing it, and thus perceive the experience of “special” to come from that something I've defined as “special”, from outside of myself, separating the cause of the experience from myself when in fact I am the cause, I am the creator of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sorrow when and as I am faced with the fact that I need to let go of my past belief that things can and should be thought of as “special” and experienced accordingly. I now see and realize that within this I have not realized the emotional reaction is created within and as the thought: “Will everything then be less meaningful?”, implying that I, too, would be “less meaningful” and projecting myself into the future as images that are created through fear and anticipation. I now see, realize and understand that as I let go of the past, I also let go of the future, meaning that whatever the future becomes cannot be foretold, and that dwelling in the mind as guesswork and images of the future only takes me away from HERE. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as I fear the future and to dwell on fear-scenarios, not realizing that as I am now I cannot possibly guess what the future will be like as everything I've ever known will be let go of, and thus cannot know whether it will be “better” or “worse”. I now see and realize that all I can know of the future is that it will be different as change is inevitable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the fear of change as an experience of sorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as I change my life will lose its “purpose” or “meaning”, not realizing that what I've defined to be my life's “purpose/meaning” so far has been founded on energetic experiences of “special/holy”, which are not actually real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of people, relationships, events, experiences, moments, places, words and memories I have defined as “special”, not realizing that “letting go” doesn't necessarily mean that they would no longer exist within my experience as the essence of them that is actually real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I define the things listed above to be “special” I blind myself from seeing what their actual relevant essence is and instead have my focus on the image of “speciality” I have created within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from seeing the world as it actually is by creating a “special” image of it and believing it instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I define things as “special”, I separate myself from them as I state I'm not a part of that which is “special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I define things I am a part of (such as relationships or social groups) as “special”, I separate myself from everything that's left beyond that secluded group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the self-created image of “speciality” may have originated from simple appreciation of that which I define as “special” (such as a trait in another human being), with the definition I separate myself from that which I perceive to be “special” (kindness, wisdom, intelligence) and state that it is something “more” than myself, and thus limit myself from ever living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is no such thing as “the meaning of life” as something that is predetermined and laid down before us, and that the reason of our existence is just to exist and create our experiences for ourselves.

I commit myself to stop using the word “God” to describe what we actually are, as it is a word created by man and laden with the definitions of man and does not convey what I have been attempting to express with it. I commit myself to study and practice language in writing and speaking to be able to convey what I wish to express in a way that would be properly understood.

I commit myself to stop making things “special” as I now see, realize and understand that I only separate myself from that which I define as “special” and limit myself from ever becoming it.

I commit myself, when and as I notice myself thinking and believing something to be “special”, to face my experience as it actually is and admit it to myself within and as self-honesty, supporting myself through breath, and to stop the experience and self-forgive and direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to live in every moment as that which is best for all according to the best of my abilities, as I am all as life as oneness and equality.