Day 323: Attraction, part 1

27092013

Lately I've been thinking a lot about attraction. When one is attracted to someone, in essence it is a kind of a pull – being drawn towards something – but these phrases suggest that it is someone else pulling, that a force outside of me is drawing me towards someone, when in fact I create the pull as I have created who I am at the moment.

I think the metaphor “people are mirrors to each other” describes it quite well. When I am attracted towards another, I either enjoy something the other person “has” - like a trait or a quality – or I enjoy who I am in the presence of another, or maybe both. In other words, the other reflects back to me what I lack or I wish I had – who I am is reflected for me to see, which is an awesome opportunity for growth. “Who I am” is not a constant, it's not something that would remain unchangeable from situation to another, but is in fact relative to all the factors that affect any situation, such as the people who are present, the activities involved, the physical location, the time of the day... So when I find myself to be “more” in some way when in another's presence (more kind, more relaxed, more funny, more intelligent, more active etc.) I am drawn towards that person's company, because I haven't yet realized how to bring out that quality in me without that person around.

So basically I am pretty clear on what attraction is and how it functions, and when I have come across people I am drawn to I have stopped to map out what is going on in me when this happens. The issue that somewhat remains is the fact that I suddenly find myself drawn to many people at once – not that it wouldn't have happened before, but before I have simply told myself “no” and refused to explore the situation further. It's either been a “no, I'm already in a relationship” or a “no, I've already got a main romantic interest”. So basically I have already made up my mind about who I will be intimate with, as if there was a spot I'm reserving – and I'm not talking about only sex, but about all levels of physical AND mental intimacy.

The change I'm seeing in myself is that there's no longer that need to reserve intimacy for one person, and I am in fact very comfortable with these people all around. I have realized that all interaction is actually allowed, because all interaction – talking, touching, moving – is self-expression, and as long as I am honest with myself about what I am doing and why there is no rule that would forbid me from exploring human interaction with all the people I come across. And no, I am not saying that I will now go and have sex with everyone – that's not the point at all – even though I could do that. The point is that what my relations are with the individual people I come across of the world's population of 7 billion are what I make of them – they are at best a creation by two – and that if I do one thing with someone it does not exclude me from doing another thing with somebody else.

I'm still trying to find the right words to crystallize this realization, and I'm sure I'll find them once I just write about this enough. So pardon my messiness! Lol.

The thing is, I don't think that attraction is a “bad thing” in itself. Attraction is an indicator of who I am and the people it is pointing me towards may provide important lessons. Attraction becomes dangerous when I forget that it is my creation, because then I lose myself into the other. I believe the other to be my “destiny” or my “soulmate” or “the one” et cetera – I create an obsession of the other because I believe the other to be the cause of my attraction when in fact he/she is just the trigger.

Oh right, another point I've been thinking about in relation to this are attraction patterns: how mutual attraction usually “ends up” in sex through certain layers of interaction. I've realized that one reason I have refrained from acting upon attraction is the fact that I already saw the whole pathway leading up to sex looming in front of me and I got really fucking scared of it, and so I rather just staid away from people. What I've realized now is that I don't (necessarily) have to follow that pathway. I have a choice in each moment of breath – I have a choice in every single moment I interact with another, and so in a way every moment is a blank slate. This realization has been a great relief for me, because I have understood that I am in fact in charge of myself and my life, and that such a thing as attraction is no longer “in the wheel”. From this starting point of self-trust I am glad to continue exploring human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being attracted to another because I have believed and perceived that attraction can only “end up” in a specific, predetermined outcome – not realizing that people never simply “end up” somewhere but always bring it upon themselves one way or another, and that therefore I have taken myself to situations where an attraction leads to a familiar result – and that if I am the one taking myself to places, I have the power to stop and decide to change my route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist attraction because I have feared acting upon it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attraction because it is an indicator of my wish to be intimately close to/with another being which is something I have feared because I have not wanted to expose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to myself by exposing myself to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid acting upon attraction because I have not known what it will lead into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to define what my relation to another being is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define all of my relations with other people so that I would know in advance what is possible and what is not possible within the interaction I have with each one – thus creating “safe zones” where I can “let loose” of one aspect of myself with one person and of another with someone else – not realizing that when I create these definitions (i.e. I can hug A, I can't hug B, I can hug C a little if it's the right moment, I can hug D all the time, I can't hug E unless I do it the right way...) I limit myself extensively by accepting and allowing my relations with people to remain the way they have initially appeared to “work” (not causing conflict or confusion), not realizing that for every limitation I place in interaction there is a cause – a fear – and a border I fear crossing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physically touching people in a way that makes them react because I have feared that they would then pull away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear addressing topics that make others react because I have feared that they will blame their reaction on me and accuse me of being “invasive” and “inappropriate”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I behave in a way that makes the other react, the other will judge me and think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create and uphold “safe zones” with other people where I can trust the other to not “invade” my “personal space” (to not do whatever I have defined to not be “included” in the relationship I have with the other).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by allowing these “safe zones” to exist I serve both my self-interest and the other's and in no way actually support and assist either of us to face and deal with what is really going on within us (the fears that create our limitations).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – generally speaking – define my relationships with female friends to only include specific kind of touching and only a specific amount of it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my female friends' breasts, butt, thighs, hips, neck, chest, ears, face, stomach or sides because I have defined these body parts to be “sexual”, “intimate” or otherwise reserved to only be touched within a romantic or otherwise “special” relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – generally speaking – define my relationships with male friends to only include specific kind of touching and only a specific amount of it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my male friends too much because I have feared it might be misinterpreted as “romantic interest” - not realizing that every time I fear this, I am actually on some level attracted to the person in question, and that I am covering my own ass while blaming my fear of facing myself on the other.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my male friends' butt, thighs, scalp, face, ears, stomach, hips, sides or neck because I have defined these body parts to be “sexual”, “intimate” or otherwise only to be touched with a male I am in a romantic relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have limited myself from touching almost 3/4 of the human body regardless of gender because I have feared intimacy (which, in essence, is always self-intimacy - “in-to-me-I-see”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to be touched anywhere but a very limited “safe zone” of my body as I have defined most of my body to be “too intimate/personal/private” for others to touch – when in fact I have isolated and separated my own body parts from myself, which makes them feel “private” and “different” when in fact they're just the same tissue as all of my body is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I don't want others to touch a “private” part of my body (any of the ones listed above) because others “should not” be touching it, when in fact I avoid it being touched because I do not want to be reminded of the existence of the body part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the limitations I have on my self-expression (the “walls” of discomfort I come across) are in fact a structure I have created in my mind and NOT some universal truth of “shoulds” and “shouldn'ts”.

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This topic is apparently really vast and this SF seems to be a bit all over the place, so I will continue tomorrow in more specificity. Points to go through:

• private writings on specific people
• definition of attraction
• reserving intimacy for someone “special”
• attraction patterns

Plus others if they emerge.