Days 133-134: Planning in case of conflict

01-02022013

But what if...?!

I've taken note of a habit of planning for situations where I fear conflict will occur by going through a series of “what if's” to which I reply with a “then I will [action]”, after which a new “what if” occurs and the loop goes on for as long as it takes for me to snap out of my worst-case-scenario.

This happened again today and it was quite vast concerning the smallness of the actual issue. My mind went something like this: “If I now go to the store, and if I open my bag on the counter, and if the cashier sees this packaging of food within my bag [which had taken along from work], and if the store happens to have a similar kind of packaging available, and if they sell the same products that I carry with me, and if the cashier accuses me of stealing, and if I explain, and if they don't believe me...” with a reply every once in a while: “well, then I'll be honest with the cashier, then I'll look not-guilty, then I will ask if they even have this kind of packaging available, then I'll ask if they even sell this product, then I'll explain where I got this, then I'll use this tone of voice which seems more believable, then I'll convince them by saying...” - and when I finally snapped out of this (which in real time in its entirety took maybe ten seconds) I realized how many if's I had had to participate in to go this far in my imagined scenario. This participation in “what if's” feeds itself, because it becomes an intense loop, like a downward spiral getting narrower and narrower, from which one either wakes up when the scenario gets too extreme/absurd or buys completely into and creates delusions and/or paranoia, resulting to compulsive behavior.

So I realize I've got to stop participating in “what if's” - I've got to stop believing this fearful bullshit I spew out on myself – I realize I am not my mind nor am I my imagination, nor are the people and situations in my scenarios equivalents of real people and situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my fears by believing the imagined outcomes of my actions that I envision in my mind – the so called “what if” scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to guess/imagine what a situation will be like and shape my behavior accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict situations and try to avoid them by molding my behavior according to what I have guessed/imagined to be “risky” in terms of attracting conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I “attract” conflict by behaving the “wrong way” and having my environment react to my behavior, not realizing that a situation becomes and remains as conflict only when I participate in it as conflict instead of as interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have responsibility over a conflict situation – that I am not a “victim” of conflict but the creator and sustainer thereof.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe conflict is brought upon me by others instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I too create conflict by accepting and allowing a situation to become conflict, because as a child when I experienced bullying I saw that I had done nothing to cause it – that I was a victim to the cruelty of others. [Self-correction regarding these memories to be done.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus develop a fear of conflict because I perceived and believed I would within conflict be judged without a reason and punished without a reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a conflict situation can be constructive depending on how/who one is within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within conflict opposing views are brought together, and that this meeting of POV's does not have to be a violent one but a constructive one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to within a conflict situation stand within and as myself responsible and able to direct my possible emotional reactions within/as self-honesty, not being directed by my reactions to conflict (fear, anger, panic) but standing as a self-directed being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any conflict can be handled by simply communicating (voice, touch, words, breathing) within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been in a conflict situation, to get scared (fear of judgement, fear of losing a battle, fear of abandonment...), then get defensive and try to “prove my point” (trying to win through aggression), and then get even more scared (panic if my aggressive attempts to win don't work).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive another is judging me when/as they express a view that does not agree with my being, my actions or my words – not realizing that another's point of view does not define me unless I adopt it into a defining paradigm, and that the expression of another is just that, the self-expression of another being of life, which is something I come across all the time and thus it isn't anything “special”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am “challenged” when another expresses a disagreeing point of view, feeling like I then have to try to “win” the other with a counter-attack or a defensive move – not realizing that the origin of this want/need/desire to win is the fear of losing – the fear of being “less than” another – because I would then define myself as “less” and live as “less”, and I fear this because I perceive myself to have no power over this.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as another has expressed a disagreeing point of view, to fear this person now defines me according to their point of view and thinks less of me, and to thus fear that the other will reject and/or abandon me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been trying to “prove my point”, to try to defend myself with explanations as I have perceived and believed myself to be vulnerable – not realizing I make myself vulnerable by accepting and allowing the (perceived) attacks of another to affect me (by directing myself according to my environment).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been trying to “prove my point”, to act through my fear of losing and transform it into aggression as I have blamed my experience on the other, abdicating my self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my words carefully in advance as I have wanted my defense as excuses/explanations to be as strong as possible as I have imagined a scenario in my mind out of the fear of losing.

When and as I create an imagined scenario in my mind thinking “what if [something happens]” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am doing this out of the fear of being HERE and out of distrust towards myself to be able to live conflicts into solutions when they are at hand. I realize there is a point of insecurity concerning the imagined situation where I fear I will be judged or punished for no reason. I remind myself I am not subject to the judgement of others – that it does not affect me unless I accept and allow it to. I investigate the imagined situation and face whatever points I find. I then stabilize myself within and as breath and carry on with what I was doing in the physical.

When and as I respond to an imagined “what if [something happens]” scenario in my mind with a “then I will [do something]” directive phrase – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am participating in a “what if” scenario. I forgive myself for participating in a mind activity that is not relevant to what is HERE. I then follow the steps described in the previous self-corrective statement, investigating and forgiving the initial “what if” scenario.

I commit myself to realize there is no winning or losing – there are simply different outcomes and different ways they relate to the needs of beings.

I commit myself to realize that what people (we) have labeled as “winning” and “losing” is the energetic movement as positive/negative energy peaks within themselves (ourselves) and that this inner energetic experience has nothing to do with the actual outcomes in the physical world – the “real” winning and losing.

When and as I react to the words of another as I perceive and believe them to “challenge” me, I stop, I breathe and I realize that if I act from the starting point of the reaction, I will only live as the fear of losing. I commit myself to no longer participate in the fear of losing by no longer acting according to the reaction that directs me that way – and thus show myself I am able and responsible (response-able) to direct my emotional reactions. I will stabilize myself in breath, slow myself down and carry on with the interaction only when I am clear about myself and see what the reaction was/is about.