Day 138: Misinterpreting disagreement

06022013

Ok. There was a conversation in facebook that has bothered me all day. It has been running in my thoughts, and I have noticed a distinct pattern of imagining situations where the one I'm having a conversation with makes a mistake which I can then point out and thus “win” the conversation. I've been avoiding using the internet most of the day by working (which was nice and necessary in itself, but also an act of avoidance). When I opened the computer in the evening I avoided facebook by first checking my email and some other stuff, but then finally pushed myself to open the log in page of facebook – and then I stopped before logging in because I noticed I was terrified. I chose to stop, not move, and write down everything that runs through my head. This is what followed:

• I've been worrying about this all day, so now it's time to STOP and see what the hell's going on
• I'm not going to do anything else
• I'll just sit here and wait
• I will not log in until I've figured this out
• I've got a lot to do
• just breathe
• energy in the middle of my upper chest
• what if I open facebook now – red flag, “what if” = fear of that which may or may not happen – will lead to worst case scenarios
• I'm here
• I'll deal with whatever comes
• I've got all evening, I could sit here for hours
• why would I move?
• What if I typed in my log in username – red flag – like luring myself into logging in
• it's just facebook, there's a lot of other things for me to check there than that which I am afraid of – persuasion from the mind
• this log in page is like a barrier keeping me away from that which I both fear and desire – anticipation – I've got to go through the barrier! - persuasion
• telling a story about this moment: “I had been worried about this thing and then I sat in front of the log in page and then I [opened facebook and then I]...” like persuading myself to move a certain way by telling a story to which the action fits nicely
• I will simply move – nope, let's wait
• maybe I could check my email – nope, let's wait
• maybe I could eat a muffin – nope, let's wait – persuading myself to escape the situation by coming up with options
• the energy in my chest is still there but now it's smaller and now as I write about it it's moving like I fear the energy and what it will do and how it will grow, not realizing I can in fact direct it
• let's try to direct the energy
• alright, let's breathe
• breathing, relaxing my legs
• fixing my posture
• back is in pain
• spending a lot of time fixing my sitting position to “just right” to distract myself
• maybe I could sleep – nope, let's stay awake and wait
• remembered how I dealt with this issue earlier today – creating a story - “at first I was [dealing with the issue] like this and then in the evening I was sitting in front of my computer and doing that and then...”
• looking around the room, noticing story book piles
• thinking about the connection between story books and storytelling – distracting myself again
• now I will move – nope, let's wait
• what if there's an important message waiting for me
• what about that message I was going to send
• nope, let's wait, none of this is urgent
• I've got to work today – nope, I've done enough for today, there's no hurry
• why am I afraid?
• What am I afraid of?
• What do I fear finding if I now log in? I fear I will be bashed – I fear I will be seen in a negative light – I fear I will feel bad – I fear I will see myself as just as bad as others do – I fear I have made a mistake – I fear I will fail – I fear I will crumble
• why is it so difficult for me to voice my opinions with people who use intimidation to put people “back in line”?
• Why did no one teach me to voice my opinions as a child – maybe they did, but I took the ridicule of other kids as a bigger authority than anything any adult said – I did not hear the words, I only saw the actions, the actions of kids were honest to who they were while adults acted against their words
• this is why the group opinion matters to me more than any realization or writing or words or guideline or assistance
• but to correct myself: this is a misunderstanding – even though adults did not live up to their words, it does not mean what they said had no truth to it – it just means they weren't able to live up to it themselves and thus weren't a living example but a void one – and it is all in the past and matters no more, what matters now is who I live myself to be

Some of this intertwines with the initial conversation which was about education and bullying in school – which is closely related to the point of being afraid to discuss with people and express my (differing) opinion because I might be seen in a negative light – and I see this kind of a situation as “my mistake”, as if I was responsible for how others choose to perceive me. So I've been anxious all day because another may have created a negative image of me – and then countered this with thoughts where I would “win” instead of “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in imagined scenarios where I imagine another showing a weakness or making a mistake just so I could in the imagined scenario point out the weakness/mistake, feel superior for it, create this into a survival mechanism (“if he says X, I will reply Y”) and think I've now “survived” the initial situation where I perceived myself to “lose” by being seen in a negative light – after this going into another scenario just like this, not realizing that the fact that these scenarios keep appearing in my mind over and over again is a sign that they are not actually helping me solve the issue but rather keep it suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another to have interpreted my words though an emotional reaction into an untrue image of me and that this other person will then interact with me according to this image instead of who I actually am by viewing me through expectations, generalizations, stereotypes and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to succumb to bullying as I perceived the actions of my peers [ridicule] to be more “true” than the words of my authorities [support] – which, as a lived example, they were, as actions are more honest than any words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not hear the words of support from my authorities because I perceived all adults to be separate from me instead of being one and equal to me and thus only listened to those who I did see as one and equal to me (the other children).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as my self-expression has triggered a reaction of ridicule in my peers, to not listen to the words of support my teacher tried to give me in this situation but instead have my full focus on the reaction of my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the ridicule of my peers by separating myself from them, seeing them as an entity that did not accept me and flag the action that triggered the ridicule so I wouldn't repeat the same “mistake” again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal to my peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to laugh at myself / to stand within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to feel confused when my peers reacted to my self-expression with ridicule and surprisement because to me I had simply been living as myself and did not understand what they reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to interpret this expression of ridicule and surprisement as laughter, movements, shouts and words (“you can't be serious”, “what are you saying”, “man, that's dumb”) as an attack directed at me personally instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is just my peers expressing their surprisement about what I expressed as it is somehow in conflict with their world view – and that this is thus nothing personal and that the reaction is in fact not about me. [Up until now I've been thinking of a specific memory from 2^nd or 3^rd grade – or maybe two memories mixing into one – yes, actually, it's two memories of the same kind.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react with fear to this expression of surprisement as “this does not fit my world view” because for the first time (?) my self-expression was questioned by a large group of people I considered my peers instead of my authorities (teachers, parents) or underlings (other children before school).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive this group expression of “we do not agree with what you expressed” to mean “you are not welcome” or “you are not included” / “you are outside/separate”. [A memory from 1^st grade.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to adapt to the responses of my peers because I perceived their acceptance to be more important than what my authorities set separate from me were saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this survival pattern with me for my entire life so that it affects me in every interaction with others as I constantly look for clues as to what is accepted by my peers and what is not and limit myself from expressing myself as I did as a child before I learned this survival mechanism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if another were to create an untrue image of me in their mind – the image would still not be me, as I am that which is constantly HERE as breath and movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the opinion others have of me when in fact I am the movement that I am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what really matters are my actions – that which I actually do in this world – and not any images that may or may not be in any way related to me, because these images are still not me in any way as they are but interpretations and reflections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear images.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear images because people (myself included) mostly base their actions and choices on the imagined instead of that which is actually HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can carry my responsibility of this mis-behavior (making choices based on images instead of reality) by no longer living according to it myself.

I commit myself to no longer blame others for juding people based on their opinions of them, and instead I commit myself to stop myself from forming opinions on others as I now see, realize and understand that these opinions are but generalizations, images and stereotypes (not in accordance with reality) and serve only fear.

I commit myself to investigate the process of forming opinions of others.

I commit myself to realize that what I as a child experienced as ridicule was mostly intended without malice (before intentional bullying began).

I commit myself to investigate the patterns according to which I search for approval from others.

I commit myself to stop believing and interpreting that a conflicting response is always an attack, as I now see, realize and understand that for the most part it is just the other expressing their experience of this conflict – here conflict seen as different views not functioning with each other instead of opposing views fighting for space.

A follow-up question for myself: how do I look for clues of acceptance in others? What exactly are these patterns that search for this external source of stability? How was this present in the initial conversation that triggered this point?