24-25022013
 |
| 2012 |
This post is a continuation to:
Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.
“It would be so awesome to be a
pro”
The idealized
image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my
kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I
would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in
the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance,
validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment
to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group
the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing
that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a
certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all
the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning
group.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work
in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have
trained myself in the most.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are
skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a
professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be
like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create
a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of
thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to
become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the
path I lay out before me.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a
professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining
myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that
the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this
thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me,
when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined
picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are
doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined
scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and
feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then
believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is
valid.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing
something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get
to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do
that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you
wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a
professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human
expression.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional
theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more
alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected
to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the
professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be
involved with it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified
the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie
within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism,
arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the
professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug
abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the
ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed
it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in
theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even
though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can
be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and
self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual
world where actual work is to be done.
“I can't let my talent go to
waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be
“good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked
with and seen at work.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more
capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception
of others and how I compare to them.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception
of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition
– in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could
elevate myself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of
another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen
another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I
compared myself to the other.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I
have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones”
who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as
compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing
that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of
others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I
seem to be.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is
required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of
participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur
ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's
actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is
required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur
(uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the
professional field from others.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in
the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have
created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the
image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image
of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in”
perfectly.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste
of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have
so much to give”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as
my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to
not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering
doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her
words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from
others relied on my talents.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in
performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained
and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large
audience.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a
large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller
exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is
trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard
less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I
would be.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of
attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I
receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others
in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself
and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be
famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking
myself why.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be
famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant /
destined to be famous”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire
to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality)
was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many
people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality
that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I
would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of
idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and
disempowering the masses through separation.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and
self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no
actual practical purpose.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being
famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in
glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the
things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this
that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply
through self-acceptance.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that
if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many
people as possible could see it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill
is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because
skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest
(elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in
itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited
and utilized.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill
is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the
amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill
is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various
starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical
value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it
can be used for both constructing and destroying.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to
sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these
kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the
smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use
them for something constructive.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if
it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so,
but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.
I commit myself
to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could
utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big
scale will come about when/if it is necessary.
I commit myself
to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no
longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will
always consider that which is best for all.
I commit myself
to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by
challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world
would then change.
I commit myself
to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness
as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as
I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every
time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one
and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I
will need to be aware of my breath all the time.
I commit myself
to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring
me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing
the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself
about this.
I commit myself
to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression,
play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on
comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in
myself and my own actions and processes.
I commit myself
to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I
receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback
I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and
not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a
mirror and to explore myself with.
I commit myself
to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize
and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the
society and to re-create it time and time again.
I commit myself
to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my
current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am
able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and
direct myself to whichever direction I choose.
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