torstai 31. tammikuuta 2013

Days 131-132: Stress and impatience


This post is a continuation to:

A thing stopping me from releasing stress is the fact that I stress about being stressed. So I'm stating “I don't want to be stressed” when I am stressed, and here I separate myself from myself and my experience as I refuse to face myself as one and equal to stress and try to override it with something - convincing myself with encouraging words, pushing myself by force - whatever works.

So what's stress? Tension, projecting to the future, cross-referencing to the past, imagined “worst-case-scenarios” and “what-if's”. So it's physical muscle tension and unnecessary mind processes. These are quite solvable, now aren't they? Tension -> relaxation by breathing and slowing down; mind processes -> stopping participation, investigating and forgiving. From the resulting state I will be able to change my behavior and no longer live as the stress character.

As I've been looking at the character creation process I've realized that characters are a compilation of habits, coping mechanisms, survival mechanisms, behavioral patterns and the such. This means that as I stress I already live as such a predetermined compilation of habits, mechanisms and patterns – I live as the stress character. I've previously thought of characters as masks that I pull on in front of others, not realizing that I might be trying to fool myself too with masks while I am alone; and I've been so deep within within this stress character and my thought participation that I have been unable to see this, but now that I do I feel like there's a release – it's cool, this too is a character, I know how to deal with this. No need to stress about it.

The reason I've been stressed about being stressed is that I would like to be “ready” already – I am impatient with myself and don't realize that this 23 years of accumulated shit is way beyond extensive and will not disappear in a heartbeat. So now I've realized that for me stress is an issue; cool, now be prepared to deal with it for a looong time. Lol.

And so as I stress about being stressed I get agitated (“why am I not transcending already?!”) and cannot see the actual points clearly. My problem for the past few days has been that I am unable to see what's going on, what my patterns are, where do I fall – and this is simply because I am to far in my meta-stress (lol) that I'm not HERE within and as breath investigating myself in real time. So I need to slow down and stop meta-stressing to actually make some progress. It's cool, I have a lifetime ahead of me.

Thus, I commit myself to slow down with the support and assistance of breath within the realization that as I slow down I assist and support myself to be HERE and face myself as I am, as not slowing down and remaining within my energy possession of meta-stress/frustration/impatience will only take me further away from HERE and deeper into the loops of the mind.

When and as I notice myself going into stress, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for impatience, expectations and/or ideals and the resulting frustration. If there is impatience/frustration, I realize I am not stressing about what it is I am doing but about the experience of stress itself, and I forgive myself for this, let the experience go and when/as I am stable within myself within/as breath, return to what I was doing. If there is no impatience/frustration, I further investigate my experience and the situation.


For now the experience of stress has faded, and I will continue writing about it when/as/if it returns.

Ei kommentteja:

Lähetä kommentti