30-31012013
This post is a continuation to:
A thing stopping me from releasing
stress is the fact that I stress about being stressed. So I'm stating
“I don't want to be stressed” when I am stressed, and here I
separate myself from myself and my experience as I refuse to face
myself as one and equal to stress and try to override it with
something - convincing myself with encouraging words, pushing myself by force - whatever works.
So what's stress? Tension, projecting
to the future, cross-referencing to the past, imagined
“worst-case-scenarios” and “what-if's”. So it's physical
muscle tension and unnecessary mind processes. These are quite
solvable, now aren't they? Tension -> relaxation by breathing and
slowing down; mind processes -> stopping participation,
investigating and forgiving. From the resulting state I will be able
to change my behavior and no longer live as the stress character.
As I've been looking at the character
creation process I've realized that characters are a compilation of
habits, coping mechanisms, survival mechanisms, behavioral patterns
and the such. This means that as I stress I already live as such a
predetermined compilation of habits, mechanisms and patterns – I
live as the stress character. I've previously thought of characters
as masks that I pull on in front of others, not realizing that I
might be trying to fool myself too with masks while I am alone; and
I've been so deep within within this stress character and my thought
participation that I have been unable to see this, but now that I do
I feel like there's a release – it's cool, this too is a character,
I know how to deal with this. No need to stress about it.
The reason I've been stressed about
being stressed is that I would like to be “ready” already – I
am impatient with myself and don't realize that this 23 years of
accumulated shit is way beyond extensive and will not disappear in a
heartbeat. So now I've realized that for me stress is an issue; cool,
now be prepared to deal with it for a looong time. Lol.
And so as I stress about being stressed
I get agitated (“why am I not transcending already?!”) and cannot
see the actual points clearly. My problem for the past few days has
been that I am unable to see what's going on, what my patterns are,
where do I fall – and this is simply because I am to far in my
meta-stress (lol) that I'm not HERE within and as breath
investigating myself in real time. So I need to slow down and stop
meta-stressing to actually make some progress. It's cool, I have a
lifetime ahead of me.
Thus, I commit myself to slow down with
the support and assistance of breath within the realization that as I
slow down I assist and support myself to be HERE and face myself as I
am, as not slowing down and remaining within my energy possession of
meta-stress/frustration/impatience will only take me further away
from HERE and deeper into the loops of the mind.
When and as I notice myself going into
stress, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for impatience,
expectations and/or ideals and the resulting frustration. If there is
impatience/frustration, I realize I am not stressing about what it is
I am doing but about the experience of stress itself, and I forgive
myself for this, let the experience go and when/as I am stable within
myself within/as breath, return to what I was doing. If there is no
impatience/frustration, I further investigate my experience and the
situation.
--
For now the experience of stress has faded, and I will continue writing about it when/as/if it returns.
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