I faced an interesting point while
walking through the town this evening. There were a lot of university
students around – I guess they were having some party (excuse to
drink / have a long weekend) – and they were all wearing their
traditional student party outfit: the colourful overalls. In Finland
and some other countries it is customary that each subject in each
university/polytechnic has a certain colour of overall, so that different
students are discernible and classifiable. It is a curious social
system according to which one can easily determine who to approach,
how to approach, who to avoid, who do I belong with, who is out of my
league, an so forth. A part of the custom is also to decorate one's overall with patches and badges which are usually available at certain parties and events, so they serve as some kind of trophies - the more you have, the cooler you are. Lol.
As I was walking through the town I
noticed I was a bit anxious to have these students flocking all
around me. I associate these overalls with the ignorant behavior of
drunken people, as this piece of clothing is often worn when
university students get out there to party, and I noticed myself
thinking that I do not want to be mistaken as a part of this group of
people, as I do not agree with what they are doing. I found myself
stuck in a tight mass of people, colourful overalls all around me,
and I was unable to move forward on the street as everyone was trying
to get through the same narrow passing. I noticed I put on an
expression that said “what the fuck is going on”, with which I
separated myself from what is going on around me even though I knew
perfectly well what was going on. I just didn't want anyone to think
I had anything to do with the chaos, and so I expressed this with a
facial expression. Interesting!
I then asked myself: “why would you
want to see yourself as separate from these people?”, realizing
they too are people and not some alien entity – they too are human
beings like me, experiencing life according to the same principles.
So is it the state of being drunk (be it on alcohol, drugs or
people), of being “not in this world” but some self-created
parallel reality where it is OK and accepted an justified to glorify
escapism – is it that I somehow fear this? That I see these people
as “alien” because they are not here?*
[* A memory from childhood (12-13 years
old) when we were celebrating new year and my parents were drunk with
their friends – like happy laughing drunk. I hadn't before seen my
parents so drunk and relaxed. I remember being very frustrated with
my mother because I thought she was behaving like a dumbass and
laughing at the stupidest things. I then said to her angrily
something along the lines of: “You're not yourself now that you're
drunk. I don't like you this way.” She was just somehow surprised
and they kept on enjoying themselves and laughing – and I kept on
being bitter at my mother for being drunk.]
I have created and upheld this image
that university students are mostly idiots who just want to party and
don't care about their studies – that entertainment comes before
education – that getting into university is cool just because then
you get to live the “student life” of wild parties and lots of
booze and fun all the time. Whether this is true or not is
irrelevant, because with this image I have created a separation that
makes me view all university students through a prejudice, so they
might all seem like idiots if I so wanted to perceive them. This
might be a problem when/if I get into university this year – how
would I ever be able to collaborate with other students or to discern
those who I could actually work with if I approach people from the
starting point of separation? If “everyone else” are
fundamentally idiots that have to prove themselves to be something
other than idiots – I am not seeing myself as one end equal to all
of the student body around me as potential to both idiotism and
brilliance if given a chance (to give a chance = to not expect others
to be anything less than what they can be).
So when/as I expressed myself with the
facial expression, I wanted the “normal” people in the town to
know I'm not a part of this student group they might be judging the
same way as I do, and I also wanted the students to know I am someone
who's “above” them, “above” all this tomfoolery. They were
crowding the streets and I was looking down on them for doing it:
“they're taking up all the space”, “they're blocking the
streets”, “why won't they consider us normal people, not everyone
around is a part of their party moment”, “fuck, so typical of
them to block the street like this”, “so ignorant!”, “so
obnoxious!” etc. So I was basically judging all of them –
generalizing everyone wearing the student overall as “the others”
and all the normally dressed people as “us normal folks” - and
blaming the students for the chaos in town, not realizing I too was
present and thus was responsible for the chaos myself to some extent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that a majority of people goes to
university because of the social life instead of actual interest in
studying based on what I have seen of it myself and what I have heard
from other people, and thus creating a prejudice towards all
university students where I expect them all to not be actually
interested in studying this world unless I'm proven wrong – not
realizing that whether this belief of mine is accurate or not is
irrelevant, because when/as I approach people by initially viewing
them as limited, I give them no chance / no support to act beyond
that perceived limitation, but in fact expect and support them to
live according to and as the limitation I believe them to hold.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not give others a chance (support) to live as
the best they can be by expecting them to live as less than they can
be.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid conversations or certain topics with people because I believe “they would not understand anyway”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “dumb down” conversations by not sharing my experience/idea/point of view as it is but as a simplified version of it, wanting the other to agree with me instead of trying to find an understanding, not realizing that as I compromise myself I will only express dishonesty.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express a thought in such a way that will make it more difficult for the other to reply/understand, here showing myself that I want to rather “win” the conversation and prove my own superiority than actually communicate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see myself as separate from the university
students wearing their overalls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to seeing the student overalls in any
situation with disdain and instant judgement - “a-ha, it's these
people again”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the students in overalls because I
associate the overalls with being drunk and being drunk with
violence, harassment, vandalism, noise, dirt and ignorance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I see the student overall, to go into
a state of dread where I expect bad things to happen and prepare
myself to dodge/escape/counter-attack, guarding myself from the
imagined danger and thus limiting myself from actually facing the
people within the garments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that every person wearing
a student overall “must be” a possible threat because they agree
with the culture of student parties which to me represents ignorance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that each individual person within
the student overall is just a human being like me – that they
experience life through two eyes, five senses, one brain, one mind,
with one beating heart, with their own processes running inside them
constantly – and instead perceive all the people wearing the
student overall to form an entity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to view the individual people wearing the student
overalls as an entity – a complete being formed out of a group of
people - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each one
of these overall-people as walking status symbols is actually One –
one like me, one with me, one and equal to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the mass consciousness, not realizing that
I create the group entity I fear by believing it exists and
approaching it accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to disassemble a
group entity by interacting with it as many individuals being in one
place instead of as a group with no individuals.
I commit myself to face groups as
individual people, not as group entities, as I now see, realize and
understand that each individual is capable of making an individual
choice despite mass consciousness and group blindness and thus is
capable of changing the direction, formation and motion of the group
by acting as an individual – and that the way I can support this is
by seeing others as individuals and acting accordingly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to despise the social system of differently
coloured overalls and the trophy signs that are gathered on them, not
realizing that the system exists whether I approve of it or not –
that on the level of actions, it does not matter whether I adore the
system or despise the system as both are energetic responses that
amount to no movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge the people participating in this system
of overalls and trophy signs as “childish” and “immature”,
not realizing that whatever the reality of things, with judgement I
only separate myself further away from these people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not admit I too would find it fun to wear comfy
overalls, decorate them and enjoy the company of nice people – if
there was nothing else to do, as in if I did not have any options, or
if the options all seemed less fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the word “childish” as an insult, not
realizing all this insults are the children whom I demean by
referring to fucked-up adults with this word. (lol)
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see myself in these people enjoying
themselves and being comfortable within their comfort zones - our
comfort zones just look a little different – as I have judged these
people instead of facing these people and giving them a chance to be
who they really are by not expecting them to be any less than their
full potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not place myself in the shoes of others in
order to understand why they choose that which they choose and
instead automatically judge and categorize them.
I commit myself to give every being a
chance to be who they really are by not expecting them to be anything
less than their full potential.
When and as I judge another in
thoughts, speech or actions - I stop, I breathe and I realize that
judgement is a sign that I do not see myself as one and equal to
another. I then face that which I am judging in another and ask
myself why I do not see it in myself, why I have not accepted this in
myself. I investigate and embrace the point in question and I place
myself in the shoes of another in order to see how I could actually
be of support and assistance to another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge another for behaving in a way I wouldn't
behave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge another for making a choice I wouldn't
make.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I would not have chosen what the other
chose – that me making this certain choice is somehow impossible -
not realizing that I do not know what the reality of the other person
is as personal experiences, history and process which are different
for every human being and that in different situations different
solutions are available and according to one's point of view
different solutions appear as preferable – and that were I actually
in the shoes of another, I do not know what my choices would then be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I in my assessment of others take into
account all that is relevant, not realizing my perception is limited
as I am affected by assumptions, beliefs, expectations and also the
lack of information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see my past self in people who I perceive to be
glorifying escapism and project my self-judgement, guilt and shame on
others as judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not face, forgive and let go of my past
escapism and instead suppress my guilt over it and blame it on
everyone else instead of carrying self-responsibility for it.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my past self, past actions and choices to be separate from me instead realizing they are a part of me I no longer choose to act upon as I did before.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my past choices leading to escapism, not realizing that they were the consequence of who I accepted and allowed myself to be at that point of time/space, and that holding on to a choice in the past I hold on to that point of time/space and refuse to be here as I would like to be perfect and cannot accept the fact that I have made a mistake.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a bad choice to have been a mistake even though I have corrected myself afterwards.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that life is ever only HERE and that correcting all mistakes happens HERE and not in the past because those moments have already gone and can't be undone because that is how this experience of life we all live through has been structured – that is the law of the physical reality we currently live in – time is an illusion and we are only HERE. [Why the laws of the physical reality are that which they are is a completely different question which I have no answer to.]
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having a recording of the past in my mind as a memory does not mean the past exists anymore - just like every breath is gone for good when the next one rolls in.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of my past, not realizing I am able and responsible to choose again HERE and if I so decide, act differently than before.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I did as escapism were not “bad things” but just things.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everyone who does these “bad things”, not realizing they are just things and do not hold a value in themselves.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the things I did as escapism to be “bad” because I later decided it was not worth it, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now judge others because their choice to stick with those activities questions my choice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter what people do, those actions in themselves do not hold a value, because values are always relative and require a goal or something to measure them against.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge people based on what they wear, thus
validating and living as the social structure of clothing as status
symbols.
I commit myself to stop projecting my
self-judgement of my past onto others as judgement.
When and as I judge another based on
their clothing, I stop, I breathe and I realize that I cannot know
who a person actually is based on any external garment they wear, as
all conclusions I draw based on clothing alone are assumptions,
beliefs, guesswork and imagination. I then let go of all
interpretations I have made of the person and instead see the person
as a human being who, among many other things, happens to be wearing
clothes (probably because of practical reasons) – so that I may
give the other a chance (support) to live as who they really are by
not predetermining how the situation should go, how we should act and
what should happen.
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