In the morning while I was walking to
work I decided to apply self-forgiveness out loud on every point I
faced as I was walking. This was a good little exercise and showed me
just how much stuff I accept and allow to go unnoticed, as I found
myself forgiving myself every five steps or so, lol. But I realized
something new: a lot of the things I faced and forgave during that
ten-minute walk were backchat - me having a thought and then replying
to the thought as I believe the thought to be true.
I noticed this throughout my day. Every
time I went spinning into my mind and went off-balance it was the
consequence of me believing the initial thought and validating it
with a reply. This often leads to arguments within my mind, where I
bicker about irrelevant stuff with myself. Insane!
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create backchat in my mind by believing a
thought and replying to it as a thought of spoken words within my
mind and/or as an experiential thought I feel within my physical
being as resonance/energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I believe the
initial thought in the first place is because I am not HERE stable
within and as myself directing every breath, as the thought occurs in
a moment where I am not aware of myself and respond in auto-pilot as
the patterns I have used all of my life thus far by replying to the
thought and often arguing with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to argue with myself about whatever I was thinking
of, here creating unnecessary inner conflict and consuming energy in
vain when I could instead stop, breathe and face the initial thought
and solve the actual cause of the problem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize how this pattern of automatically
arguing with oneself is also seen in how people create and handle
conflict in interaction between each other – that we face each
other on auto-pilot, communicate on auto-pilot, create conflict
because we are on auto-pilot, deepen the conflict on
auto-pilot – believing our initial thoughts as first impressions,
assumptions and guesses, never bothering to actually stand as one's
own directive principle and face what is actually going on within the
interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to interact with others on auto-pilot as I have
lost my focus from myself as breath and body, thus creating conflict
and misunderstandings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I validate my initial
thought by responding to it and creating backchat, I am abdicating my
responsibility to direct myself and giving my directive power to the
thought, which will then lead me for as long as it takes for me to
snap out of it – which may vary from seconds to years.
I commit myself to practice breathing
to make it a fundamental part of my being – to re-program myself to
be automated in deep breathing and awareness of self as body and mind
– as I see, realize and understand that in order to let no point
slip my full focus is required HERE.
I commit myself, when and as I respond
to my thoughts and create backchat, to stop, breathe and realize I am
not my thoughts and that to respond to one with more thoughts is to
validate the thought and allow it to be a part of me.
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