21-23022013
 |
| 2010 |
Every now and then these days when I
act in theatre (acting here meaning the work of an actor as movement,
speech, song, dance, voice, interaction, and other kinds of
expressive physical and emotional things) I return to that feeling
where I desire to act professionally. This usually occurs either when
I am enjoying myself especially much when acting, or when I step
outside of myself to observe my doings through the eyes of an
outsider and see myself to be “good” at what I'm doing: fluent,
certain, creative, flexible.
Now, I have made a decision to not
apply for theatre schools for the time being and instead approach
life and work through a profession that would concretely and directly
affect the world we live in, not just inspire others to do that for
me. This decision falters every time this longing to be a
professional actor arises, and it means I have not made this decision
from a clear starting point. It's time to go through this now as I am
applying to university and all this wavering will influence my
motivation and ability to study for the entrance exams.
It is commonly known and said in the
theatre field that to be an actor one has to be both an exhibitionist
and an egoist – in other words, everyone wanting to be actor is
already both to some extent. I will begin by going through these
points.
Exhibitionism - “come watch me
express myself!”
This is a point I realized some time
ago when I got disappointed again when some friend or a family member
didn't come see a play I was acting in. I realized that whenever I
ask for a person to come see me on stage I am asking them to come and
see me express myself freely because I don't do that off-stage, and
that therefore this is a “rare occasion” to see me express myself
a certain way. This indicates both my unwillingness and disability to
freely express myself in all situations in all possible ways and
shows the extent to which I have defined the stage to be a “special
place” for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to in my wish to show myself as I really am in the
full scope of human expression to create a “special place” where
I could do that within an illusion of safety instead of just living
as self-expression unconditionally no matter where I am and who I'm
with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child when I limited my self-expression due
to bullying to define the stage of our theatre into a “safe place”
because there I was able to push through my resistances (to a certain
extent*), misinterpreting this to mean I could only express myself on
stage – not realizing I was the one accepting and allowing myself
to push through and show myself - not “the magic” of the stage,
the group, the director or the situation – because in fact I am
the one who moved myself.
* There are taboos in theatre as well –
ways of expressing oneself that are/were prohibited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I need to do theatre to express myself
in the full scope of human expression because there are no ways to do
that in “real life” that would be socially acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that that which is “socially
acceptable” is based on a social agreement which I have not been
there to create even though I have upheld it with my own actions, and
that because this is an agreement I do not agree with there is in
fact no agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that a social agreement ceases to
exist in my part when I stop participating in it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear stopping participation in social
agreements that prohibit expressing myself in the full scope of human
expression because I have been afraid of judgement, isolation and
misunderstandings / conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will judge who I am as who I
am living as at the moment as manifested in my self-expression, not
realizing that the judgement of others only has effect on me when I
turn it into self-judgement, which is something I have full directive
power over, and that to fear my self-judgement is thus to state that
I am unable to direct myself – which is not true, as I have shown
myself that I am in fact able to stop, face, re-direct and move
myself to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will isolate me and deny me
access to life's resources if I stop my participation in the social
agreements that prohibit my self-expression (and that of others)
because this is a world/reality/society that functions on
relationships where everyone is dependent on each other and in which,
if one is left to survive by oneself, it is impossible to survive in
without others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied access to life's resources (relationships, work, food, housing) because that would mean I would not survive, in other words, I would die because someone reacted to who I was and believed their reaction – not realizing that if for some reason I'd have to choose between self-compromise and death, which we all face eventually anyway, the choice would be self-expression as well – I'd die honest or live a lie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will misunderstand me if I
choose to not participate in the social agreements that limit our
self-expression and that this will lead to conflict, not realizing
that in between my expression, the other's choice to misunderstand
and a resulting conflict is an infinite number of moments where the
situation can be faced, addressed, directed and lived into a
solution.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to “handle” solving misunderstandings or conflict as I have not realized that a misunderstanding/conflict can be solved simply by clearing my starting point (how did I cause this situation?) and then approaching with straightforward communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to wish for others to come see me as I am on
stage, thinking “I wish someone would see the real me”, not
realizing I am abdicating my responsibility to live as the real me
and instead I'm dumping the responsibility on others to go through
extra effort to see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it is others' responsibility to dig out
my “real self” when in fact only I can reveal myself, as even
when another “digs me out” I am the one who accepts and allows
myself to reveal myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not show myself as I have held on to the
excuse/justification that if I expose myself I make myself vulnerable
to attacks, not realizing that as I stand fully within and as myself
uncompromised there are no attacks that could “catch me off guard”
as I am fully aware of everything I live as – and that if an attack
does catch me “off guard” it is a welcome reminder of a point I
have not faced and should thus not be feared but embraced.
Egoism – expecting praise and
attention
In theatre it's all about ME in the
spotlight, ME being talented, ME shining, ME being better than anyone
else. I secretly expect praise and special attention because at some
point of my acting years others started to give me feedback that
stated I was somehow “exceptional”, and I totally bought into
this as a child/teenager wallowing in self-diminishment. Someone
wants to elevate me? Bring it on!
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show off myself in theatre
at the expense of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be “the best one” as compared to
other actors, in other words, to “win” over everyone else and
thus validate my self-worth, as I believed that my skill/talent and
admirability are the measure of my worth and the ones watching me (in
this case the audience) the measurers and judges.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to misinterpret the encouragement and feedback I
received in theatre by filtering it through my fears and desires and
using it to enhance my fears and desires even further as the stakes
grew as I exposed myself more and more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the positive feedback I received in theatre
to create a self-image where I was “good at something”, believing
I was dependent on that trait to receive acceptance / positive
attention from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire to be “good at acting” because it
would validate my self-image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will fail at acting because that would
destroy my self-image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child, when I was depressed and thought I am
not good enough in anything, to hold on to practicing the
skills/talents that I received positive feedback / attention from
(singing and acting) because in terms of “being loved” they were
most rewarding.*
*Not the only reason I kept doing these
as I also enjoyed the act of expression itself, but a secret one that
lay underneath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect others to react positively to my
performance on stage because this is what has usually happened and I
have built a self-image based on it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive attention
when they have seen me perform on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect others to show admiration when they have
seen me perform on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive comments,
remarks, notes and feedback regarding my performance on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react when another gives me critique about my
performance on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react and take a defensive stance when another
gives me constructive feedback about what was actually here, and to
cover up my defensiveness by adopting the character that “receives
critique well”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when another shows me their
appreciation for what I did on stage, they are expressing their
experience of what happened, which is usually loaded with emotions
and feelings, and that if their feedback concerns this subjective
experience of theirs it is nothing I can take credit for. [For
example, if another says “I was so moved by X”, it is not a
statement that the action X was in fact “moving” but that the
person experienced it as such.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when I receive
positive/negative feedback from the audience, not realizing their
feedback mostly reflects their personal experience of what they saw.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am “the kind of person” who is
able to take critique when in fact I have reacted, defended and
pretended every time this has happened.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear and try to defend myself from critique
because it poses a threat to my self-image.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take critique personally, not realizing that at
least some of it is an expression of how this person experienced what
he/she saw, which is nothing I can take credit for – and that if
another gives me constructive feedback on what I do and how to refine
my skills it is something to embrace and welcome and test out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to critique which I have perceived to
have been said out of jealousy, spite and bitterness, thinking
“they're saying this to bully me”, not realizing that I am
reacting because I see myself to be inferior to the other and then
blaming the other for my experience - “I feel bad because you are
jealous/spiteful/bitter” - abdicating my responsibility over my own
experience of inferiority in the setting of bullying.
I will continue with more thought dimensions in the next part.
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