tiistai 19. helmikuuta 2013

Day 151: Natural socializing & personal space


A friend was at my house assisting me with my sewing work. We had agreed to work together to speed things up, and it was really nice to have some help as my work load is too big for one person to handle in a humane way. I noticed some thoughts that arose while she was here.

In our relationship I do most of the talking, and I have sometimes felt as if I'm “expected” to keep the conversation up. She is present in the conversation and responds to what I say, but with few words and gestures and doesn't initiate conversations that often. I sometimes I find this uncomfortable even though she doesn't make a deal of it. Today silence fell every now and then while we were both working on our own tasks, and at first I got this uneasy feeling, as if the silence was somehow “bad” and that it was on my responsibility to “fix” it – but then I realized that it is ok, we are here to work, and that's what we're doing, and I can and will speak when it feels natural to me, but right now I would rather focus on the work. From then on I was able to enjoy our silent consensus and appreciate this way of spending time together – it's starting to be my favourite way, lol, because socializing for the sake of socializing is “special time” spent with “special people” whereas while working one is focusing on what is actually essential – the movement we create together, not the stagnation we accept and allow each other to drown in. Besides, working in a group is way more enjoyable, effective and constructive than being a solitary warrior.

Another thing I noticed was when it was already getting late and I was getting anxious about not having had time to write yet today. I said something along the lines of “whoa, it's getting late” and “I should start doing some other stuff” without directly saying that I think she should leave soon. I wondered around the flat for a while gathering stuff and she kept on working (because she wanted to finish what she was doing, but this I didn't realize at the moment) and I started to get anxious about her “not getting the hint”. I then asked myself why I wanted her to leave – are the tasks left for today such where she couldn't silently sit on my couch and sew? I then realized I am stressing over nothing as I was reacting to another “invading” my personal space as I believed I need to be alone to i.e. write and relax. Once I'd realized this I kept on with my tasks with her as a part of my environment whom I can trust to be able to communicate and move and express herself when necessary – in other words, I moved myself as if I was home alone. This worked out well.

The latter point is a result of me living alone for a long time, but not only that: as a teenager I was very strict about my personal space and got furious when it was “invaded”. This is a point I want to face more in my practical living by spending ordinary every-day time with people without making socializing a “special occasion”.

Will continue tomorrow with self-forgiveness on this.

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