Day 152: SF on Day 151

20022013

Let's never face each other, ok?

This post is a continuation to:
Day 151: Natural socializing & personal space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within my relationship towards another person as statuses and definitions according to which I act because I believe they need to be followed for things to “work” - in other words, to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to statuses, definitions and relationship formats that I have witnessed to “work” in terms of avoiding conflict because I am afraid of conflict and would rather live as a character/personality without conflict than live as who I am with conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within/as the “high status” personality where I am talkative, expressive and active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see another person in my environment whom I interpret to be living within/as the “low status” and use this as a trigger point to evoke my “high status” personality in order to balance out the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to become the polarity of what I find in my environment in order to “balance things out”, not realizing that as I do this I validate the energies in my environment, basically saying “it's OK for you to be like that because I can adapt”, not realizing that I am not helping AT ALL as I compromise myself and live as energy because it is the only way I have known to live at peace with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can NOT validate the energies in my environment by balancing myself within and as breath, by acting through self-honesty and by placing myself in the shoes of another to see what might be causing their experience and how I could be of actual support and not just another passive validator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without the statuses, definitions and relationship formats I have clung onto and lived according to and to thus fear living as myself as who I am in self-honesty because I have feared possible confrontations, conflict and friction that may arise when I do not live according to the situation which is set by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another “sets the scene”, in other words, defines the situation we interact in and that I should follow this and adapt according to the mood of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself when meeting people to act a certain way based on what our relationship has been before and what my idea of the person is and quickly assess the presence of another to determine what my behavior should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to either be dominant or submissive, high status or low status, active or passive, the emperor or the beggar, based on my idea/perception of the relationship in question - not realizing that as I position myself to interact with another based on ideas, assumptions, guesses and memories of past moments I have already given up my directive power over the situation to my mind as I am not here directing each and every moment within and as breath but instead following patterns and habits to “guide” me safely through the interaction because I fear conflict as I perceive conflict to be failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe conflict to be failure because I hold onto an ideal image of friendship / human interaction where everything is nice and peaceful, no bullying, no judging, no confrontation, no questioning, fully in our comfort zones, everyone is smiling and laughing and being stable - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this ideal image as I have not realized it only serves the purpose of keeping us from growing and expanding and serving as actual support platforms for each other where honest feedback could be given and received to assist us to become better, fuller beings of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this ideal image of interaction as a positive experience because of past events where I have faced judgement and felt insecure in my friend relationships and then had complete opposite experiences with another friend with no questioning at all - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this ideal because of the illusion of “equality” where everyone equally “gets to be who they are” because they have the “right” to be “themselves” unquestioned and unchallenged because I have feared that I will face conflict and be judged again.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager to hold onto the positive experience as the “true” experience as how friendships “should be” because it felt good and the other kind of interaction felt bad – not realizing that eventually the conflict taught me a lot more about myself than the comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while walking our process as human beings conflict is unavoidable as there is always resistance to change that which is comfortable, familiar and known because it requires self-honesty and self-honesty is not pretty, easy or glorious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to keep the conversation up because I am “the active one”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to crack jokes to keep the mood light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to be relaxed so that others could feel relaxed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others expect these actions of me when in fact it is only me expecting them from myself in order to live up to the self-images, self-definitions and relationship stories I have created in my mind – in order to live “the story of my life” as I have imagined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame these expectations on others, believing others to expect/demand certain behavior from me when in fact it is only me expecting myself to live up to a social code.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fact that this experience of “being disturbed by expectations” occurs at all indicates that these expectations exist within me as if they did not exist this experience would not arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when another is silent in my presence because I feel like it is my “duty” to live up to the character/status/definition I have set for myself in that situation and that the other might feel bad and perceive me as a failure if I do not live up to (my own!) expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this “uncomfortable feeling” is in fact me wondering whether I should act against myself or not, my self-expression as silence struggling with the demands of the personality that “has to” speak – that this discomfort is a sign of inner conflict that I should stop and look at so that the conflict could bear fruit and not turn into an inner war.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hint at my true intentions instead of voicing them directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my hints to be understood and get distressed when it seemed like they weren't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to hear the things I do not communicate directly, not realizing there is no way for anyone to hear that which is not voiced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to know the social code according to which guests are politely asked to leave with subtle hints, not realizing that there is no way one could undoubtedly understand what is being indirectly communicated without going into extensive guesswork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to guess my intentions so that I could avoid saying things I am uncomfortable saying because I fear I will insult another, and to thus abdicate my responsibility to be clear and honest in my communication and dump all responsibility over the interaction on the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable about having another person in my apartment because I wanted to do my ordinary house work and other daily tasks and believed I have to be alone when doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is “impolite” to do ordinary things when a guest is around, not realizing I here make the guest a “special person” and the moment a “special moment” of “special interaction” - when in fact all this “speciality” is an illusion and we are all just people living though every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to behave a certain way when hosting a guest in my home, not realizing that life does not stop when another person happens to be in this location at the same time with me, and that my ordinary life as ordinary tasks keeps on moving and proceeding and needing attendance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require personal space and solitude to live my every-day life, not realizing my every-day life doesn't actually change in any way whatsoever if another human being happens to be around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from doing my tasks because another person is around and I do not have my required and self-defined personal space.

I commit myself to realize that living according to statuses, definitions, characters and relationship formats is to live as self-compromise and self-limitation which in no way assists me or anyone else to be who we really are within/as self-honesty – and I commit myself to apply this realization in practice by focusing on myself within/as breath and self-honesty no matter who I am with in order to re-build myself atop a foundation of unconditional self-expression.

I commit myself to support myself and others to face and change ourselves by re-building myself through self-honesty and no longer compromising myself in my self-expression and communication.

I commit myself to embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth.

I commit myself to release myself from my self-expectations for example with social structures and agreements with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and practical application within/as consistency.

I commit myself to realize that my home, too, is just a place – not a special place where special rules apply when other people come in.