Yesterday I read Lindsay's blog post MY WHOLE SYSTEM FREEZES BEFORE IT DOES ANYTHING! (lol) and today I've
had a new realization based on it. She wrote about the hesitation
that occurs every time before doing anything, and I saw today from
morning onwards how this exact pattern plays out in me.
No, actually, this began last night
already. Yesterday evening when I had just lain on my bed found a
really comfortable position to fall asleep in, as I was simply
focusing on my breathing and sensing my entire body, I noticed a
fleeting physical sensation of arousal, which would have been a nice
sensation in itself – but then my mind drew up a picture of me
masturbating – and then created a desire to masturbate. I noticed
this pattern right away and laughed at myself because it was somehow
so obvious what was going on there even though I properly noticed
this pattern for the first time: the mind associating and
cross-referencing with all the signals and stimuli it receives /
picks up, and with the first “ding dong!” as in finding the
“right” association to hold on to looking up the exact behavioral
pattern for that purpose. I noted this and fell asleep shortly.
In the morning I was walking to work
and I heard footsteps behind me. They were slowly getting closer and
I guessed the person wants to pass me by. As the person was next to
me passing me by, I thought that “people never look at others when
passing by on the street” and got an impulse to move myself
contrary to this and look at the person passing me. But instead of me
just doing it, I at first “froze” - I hesitated – and reflected
upon what I had just thought and was about to do and “checked”
whether it was OK or not – and only then did I actually turn my
head and look at the passer-by.
At work I was mulling over some
thoughts in my mind and as I was getting frustrated I tried to stop
myself – and I saw an image of myself laughing at myself in stupid
mind-jam situations like this – and then I laughed at myself as an
attempt to clear my head – but then I cut that half-way because I
realized this is a survival mechanism that comes up when my thoughts
jam. This, too, started with a mental image.
And during the rest of the day, as I
have been in an unusually good mood (as compared to the past few
weeks), I have constantly had images of myself smiling and then
acting accordingly and manifesting a smile – because the image of
me smiling is so “happy” and “pretty” and “healthy” and
fits the story I tell for myself about myself. “Today I am having a
good day and I am smiling because I am this and this kind of a person
and things feel nice and life is good” and blah blah, the usual
narrative.
It is simply fascinating to see this at
play, because as I see what my mind is doing (mind picks up something
in reality – associates with something in my past – presents a
behavioral pattern that “works”) it is so much easier to not
participate in my patterns and to actually consider as myself what
the preferred course of action would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe unquestioned the images my mind
presents me as it associates every moment and every element in the
physical reality with something in my past, not realizing that as I
participate in these images by thinking “oh yes, that's right” I
live according to the past and not according to what is actually HERE
in this moment in this
breath at this exact point of time and
space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and participate in the image of
masturbation my mind offers me according to how it associates
physical sensation with my past experiences, thinking “oh yes, this
would feel good” as in “in the past there was an experience where
this course of action felt good”, not realizing that in that moment
I am not interacting with the physical by listening to what the
actual sensations of my body are but instead imposing an expectation
on myself within and as the mind that a certain course of action will
produce a certain kind of an outcome (masturbation will produce a
good feeling).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hesitate before acting as I fear my action will
arouse a reaction in my environment, retreating from something I was
already about to do as I reflect back on what I was about to do out
of natural impulse by stepping into the mind through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to disable myself from acting according to initial
impulse by believing and thinking I need to “make sure” what I'm
about to do is “OK”, not realizing that as this act of “making
sure” happens by assessing my environment and the possible risks
and dangers in it, it is actually an act of fear that limits me and
usually also leads to a cycle of hesitation where I believe one
fearful thought after another and end up doing nothing or acting
through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to act according to mind images of myself where I
see myself to look like something preferable that “fits the story”
I am telling for myself about myself, not realizing that living
according to images I live as an image and not as myself as a human
being in a physical reality, not taking into consideration what I am
actually experiencing in the moment and moving as myself but
assembling myself into a “pose” where I portray a certain kind of
personality that makes the perfect lead for “the story of my life”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe life is about “telling my story”,
not realizing that as I do this as a narrative within my mind as
words and images and by using myself as a flesh puppet in that story,
I only live according to ideas, thoughts, perceptions, preconceived
stories and beliefs, never stopping to actually look around me and
assess the actual possibilities of a situation, which are infinite,
instead of only considering those options that “fit the story”
and “look/sound/seem/feel nice”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe life is cyclic because I have learned
that classic storytelling is about the dramatic arc of having a
beginning, middle and end with suspense, climax and a resolution –
not realizing that this structure does not apply to lived life but
only to the stories we tell of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I “should” be doing something
because it would “fit” the story I am telling about myself
according to the dramatic arc of storytelling, not realizing that the
only beginning and end in my life are birth and death, and that even
they are illusionary as I have existed before this physical life and
will exist after it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that in lived life there is no
beginning nor end.
When and as I, within and as the mind,
cross-reference and associate the physical reality with thoughts,
images and memories and present a “fitting” course of action
according to these associations – I stop, I breathe and I realize
that by acting according to these thoughts, images and memories I
only re-live the past by holding on to this survival mechanism of
behavioral patterns that have “worked” in the past. I realize
that when/as I participate in these thoughts, images and memories I
am not living according to what is HERE but have already switched to
auto-pilot where I cruise through life directed by the past instead
of directing myself. I then re-assess the situation by stabilizing
myself within and as breath, looking at that which is actually here
and considering that which is best for all.
I commit myself to stop living
according to the storyteller in my mind by no longer participating in
the narrative suggestions this voice offers as words and images but
instead stopping, stabilizing myself within/as breath, releasing the
point and continuing with what I was doing.
Cool Emmi - thanks for sharing this as your writing has brought through a 'fresh' perspective and so further expanded on and supported my walk through this same point as well.
VastaaPoistaCool, I'm glad to hear that!
PoistaLOL - Really enjoy your comic strip representing this point as well! :)
VastaaPoistalol, thanks!
Poista