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| Hear me express myself! BLEUAAARGHLLJKJ! |
There
is an emotional reaction that keeps reoccurring. I've avoided
conversations in Facebook for some while because I kept getting
aggressive responses and didn't know how to deal with them because I
took them very personally. Also, I wasn't able to discern actual
aggression from my interpretation of aggression - in other words, I
wasn't sure whether someone was actually flaming me or if I was just
seeing it that way.
So
I've been posting stuff and then just let people discuss underneath
my posts without taking part myself, mostly. It has been safe (I
realize I have been hiding) and I have learned a lot simply by
reading the discussions. But I have been very hesitant to bring out
any opinions of my own because I fear they will be attacked, and I
have only "defended" or explained my views when someone has
directly questioned them.
So
yesterday I was reading through yet another discussion underneath a
link I posted, and there was a sentence by another that was so biased
that I realized I have to say something - that if I let this one slip
I will be dishonest with myself and passively allow thoughts like
that to exist. I let it brew for a couple of hours because I didn't
have time to reply at the time I read the discussion. By the time I
got to typing the reply (which I had somewhat formed in my mind
already, so I just had to type it down) I got this huge shot of
adrenalin in my body - absolute terror about what I was going to say,
because I was going to be stern and unapologizing about it. I was
sweating a bit and my hands were trembling. Now that I think of it,
the reaction in my body was quite alarming. I stopped then for a
while to notice this reaction and I had a couple of breaths, but I
continued with the typing without fully balancing myself. So I posted
the comment, it was what I wanted it to be, and I still stand behind
my words.
Yet
I now notice myself in the same fearful stance I go into when I voice
myself. Occasionally I will remember the comment I posted and
anticipate possible responses to it. I fear I will again be flamed
for what I said, even though when I look at it I don't know what
anyone could say to undermine my point - unless they insult me
personally, which is something I cannot yet handle. And so when I
logged into Facebook this morning I again remembered what I had
written - and I anticipated going through my notifications because I
feared what I would find.
Now,
I see this is not OK. Being overconfident is not cool either, because
then one gets arrogant and believes one's views to be the one and
only point of view, but this, no, this is not cool. I cannot voice
myself without being terrified. I reveal myself and then immediately
go into defense and expect punches - so am I really even revealing
myself, or am I speaking from within my defensive pose? And this
somehow seems so ridiculous because I'm an actor - I reveal myself on
stage for a lot of people all the time! - but again, the stage is a
safe zone where I am immune to punches, or at least it is considered
rude to throw punches at performing artists, lol, and instead they're
slurred behind their backs. So I'm either faking safety on stage or
assuming danger off stage. Where is the real stability here - the
stability point that is me - the one who realizes that anywhere I go
I am always constant and here and that in revealing myself, exposing
myself, showing all of myself I am actually immune to attacks and not
the most vulnerable?
--
I
read another post by Lindsay about hesitation (awesome to have people
to cross-reference with!) and I realized that this issue is about
unwillingness to stand as who I am – because as I fear speaking out
I am not standing fully as myself; I am standing as self-doubt. A
quote I found helpful from the post mentioned above:
“I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and
throughout my life, hesitate in making a decision of who I am, who I
will be as a living statement that cannot be changed as it is so in
every way, to the very core, in fact – as I see that I did not make
this decision because I hesitated in fear of being ridiculed,
banished, ostracized or surprisingly enough, accepted; which brings
in another dimension of responsibility in making a decision of who I
am and holding myself accountable to remain stable and directive in
who I am in each moment, no matter what, to not falter due to
hesitation, as I now realize that hesitation has not room in a being
who is who they are to the very core, in fact.”
--
SF
from my DIP Lite assignement on the subject:
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit
myself from taking care of my tasks in facebook (communicating with
people, arranging meetings, PR, studies) because as I log into
facebook i also have to face a possible response to a comment I was
afraid to post.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand
within and as myself fully and to the core when I posted the comment
and instead say what I had to say from a defensive stance where I
already expect to be attacked because of what I say, not realizing
that as I say things from the starting point of expecting attacks I
am writing as provocation as I make myself smaller than I am and
easier to attack/put down - I make myself an easy target.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I
am the target of the hostility of others when in fact it is me who
causes within me the painful experience of being attacked.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry
responsibility for my experience and instead blame it on others by
claiming them to be "hostile" and "aggressive".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
voicing my opinion.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
voicing my opinion because I have learned that when I do this I get
attacked.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being
attacked because I then "get hurt".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
I create the experience of "being attacked" and "getting
hurt" as I take the words of others personally by believing what
they say.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I
am what others perceive me to be.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get to
know myself in self-intimacy to see who I really am and who I choose
to be in each and every moment and thus believe that I am what others
perceive me to be as I have been unable to see myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that choosing who I am in this moment is "irreversible" in
terms of making a mistake that cannot be mended - which is true in a
sense as I can never return to a past moment and change who I was
then - but here I do not realize that I am in fact able to change who
I am now and direct myself and carry responsibility for myself so
that the consequences of my past choices can be mended, fixed and
directed.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that if I make a stand, I state that "this is who I will be
forever" because I believe that people judge others and create
images and formats of others into their minds based on singular
experiences instead of actually seeing who the other person is as a
whole and then act based on these initial impressions of others
"forever" as these impressions are hard to change.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it
is hard to change another's first impression of me because of
experiences in the past where I have been judged through assumptions
that have been based on who I was years before. [note to self: memory
of a friend judging me for idolizing another]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust
the fact that living as different than the first impression another
has had of me will be enough to change their perception of me - and
that this is all I can do as they have to carry responsibility for
their own acceptances and allowances.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as
another makes a remark of me, to ask myself "what if I am wrong
and he/she is right?", fearing that I have "failed"
and "made a mistake".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and believe "being wrong" to mean I have "failed"/"made
a mistake".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give high
value to "right opinion" as opposed to "wrong opinion"
in terms of which one is more "true" than the other - not
realizing that thinking in terms of "right" and "wrong"
only promotes competition and serves the ego.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to
be "right" / fear being "wrong".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize and understand that there is no "right" or "wrong"
opinion - there is only the reality as that which is actually HERE,
as that which actually happened, and that as opposed to this reality
there is no "wrong opinion" - only denial of what is HERE -
only separation from HERE.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself from that which is HERE as the reality by believing there to
be "right" and "wrong" and believing myself to be
able to be "right" and "wrong" - not realizing
that as I think in polarities I am not HERE as the mid-point in
between the extremes which is neither here not there.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
discussion because I perceive it to be based on competition.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that discussion is about the exchange of views, information,
experiences and wisdom, and that I am able to carry my responsibility
over discussion by not seeing it as competition myself, by being
humble yet steadfast, and by seeing that we all have a common goal of
making the best of life and that the first step to getting there is
by learning to communicate without fear.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I contribute to making discussion the best it can be by not
being afraid of discussion and participating in it through fear.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear those
I discuss with.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize and understand that those I discuss with are human beings one
with and equal to me.
--
I
will continue walking this point.
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