05022013
 |
| 2010 |
Right now I am somehow really stuck
with sex – I mean I am processing it at the moment unconsciously,
like there's a program running or a realization on its way – a
point surfacing waiting to be dealt with.
I'm starting to get the deal with “sex
is just a touch”. I was rubbing and caressing my hands in the bus
after applying some moisturizer and I thought to myself: why is this
not considered masturbation? Isn't this too just touching myself for
pleasure, touching just for the sake of touching, but only with
different body parts than in sex? When images of sex are let go,
there is nothing left in sex/masturbation but touch. This I realize.
I mean, as I rub my hands together I'm not simultaneously in my mind
visualizing some images of hand-massage to make the experience feel
“more intense” or something – caressing my hands is enjoyable
just as it is.
What remains “unsolved” for me is
the experience of intimacy, sharing, communication. If there were no
secrets between people, with everything out there in the open, would
there even be this separate experience of intimacy, as a “special
thing”? Like, “now I'm exposing all of myself” compared to all
the rest of the moments when one doesn't – yet this wouldn't exist
if self was exposed all the time. As of now self is not exposed to
others all the time because self is hidden from self all the time. If
self is hidden from self, one is not exposed.
So maybe in this
system/structure/culture/situation of broken people sex may serve as
a mirror and a tool to help one expose oneself to oneself – so that
as one sees oneself within that “special space” of
self-exposement (sex with another) one may see what one is still
hiding and work on exposing it to oneself and others – and
consequently be more intimate with All. What would it be to be
intimate with All? I'm not talking about sexuality but about
exposement – not hiding – not being afraid. It of course begins
with self-intimacy – which is almost the same as being intimate
with all, as one sees oneself as one and equal to all that there is,
all the things existent within me and you and everyone else.
And right now there is an experience of
sadness in me because I feel like I have missed many chances to
expose myself and experience that “true intimacy” as myself with
another. As if there is this Great, Big Something out there that has
been hovering at my reach while I have been groping around blindly.
(There is an ideal at play here, I can tell. I watched a movie today
that arose this point in me and I can see how the pictures I watched
affect the stance from which I approach this issue.) And so:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hide myself within relationships in order to
hide myself from myself, not living up to my full potential and not
seizing the opportunities present in the moment.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not seizing the opportunities while they were here, not realizing that in every moment there is an opportunity for everything – it is just the path to that something that varies from moment to moment – at one moment it's closer, at another it's a bit further away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be so afraid of facing myself that I have
continued this pattern relationship after relationship, not learning
from my mistakes and choosing to do things differently.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not learning from my mistakes, not realizing that change does not occur in a heartbeat and that even if the person who I was at a certain point in my past would have chosen another direction, the road there might have taken just as long as it has taken me now.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry these mistakes as a baggage weighing me down, not realizing I am able to forgive myself for the mistakes and thus kind of “undo” the mistake as not living as the mistake anymore – and therefore let go of the baggage and walk lighter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not break this habit and justify this by
blaming the failure of my relationships on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to evade facing myself as the cause of my
relationships failing one after another by believing “I have been
wronged”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal participant of a relationship by blaming the result entirely on the other.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse carrying my responsibility over the relationships I have been a part of because that would have required me facing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the glimpses I saw of myself to be so
“big” and “monstrous” that I saw them to be separate from me
and that they thus had power over me, hence the word “monstrous”
as related to monsters that are the representation of fear's power
over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see the real me as so ugly that I've gotten
scared and wanted to hide from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I re-claim and carry my
responsibility of those big, ugly and monstrous parts of me, I become
one and equal to them and become in fact able to direct them and let
them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear facing myself with others. (A major point
affecting my daily life, got to dig deeper.)
--
I realized that the difference is
between the two interpretations of the word 'intimacy'. I've been
using this one:
In-to-me-see
but within this one I accept and allow
myself to expect and hope for someone else to come and see “the
real me” so I could feel accepted and be saved from myself. So in
order to carry self-responsibility, I now change my interpretation
into this:
In-to-me-I-see
because it is crucial to emphasize
myself as the only one who can carry responsibility for my experience
of intimacy because in the end it's all just self-intimacy.
For the past few weeks (or months?) I
have been feeling “smaller” than usual, an experience of
bareness; meaning I'm more insecure, more withdrawn, more quiet –
it's been most visible/audible with my voice suddenly being very weak
and cracking all the time, like every time I talk I push through some
heavy curtain that muffles me. This overall experience has been
because I have been disassembling the characters through which I have
presented confidence and the illusion of self-intimacy (sure I know
who I am! of course I enjoy my own company!). Thus to get out there
and start expressin' has been more difficult because I have had no
ready mind-set to act upon – and if I've had one, I've noticed how
phony it is. But I take small leaps all the time, even today some at
theatre with my director and some kids. I noticed resistance when
interacting with others, returned to breath, did not participate in
the resistance and simply moved myself and took risks. So worth it, I
tell you! These “leaps of faith” are those where I change myself
to be OK with who I am – to learn self-intimacy.
So the next question I want to ask
myself is: how to build confidence from this state of “bareness”?
Here to realize that confidence is not something more, it's not
something extra – it's actually less – the state of confidence,
stability and certainty is one of less fear. I'm also now realizing
as I asked myself this question that this state of “bareness” is
not yet the zero-level (lol) as in like the ultimately fearless state
where one is again a “clean slate” - but that it's actually just
another layer of fears I have unraveled as I've been peeling the top
layers off. I'm now seeing that my state of introvertedness has been
so vast and deep and fundamental that I'm even considering changing
the name of my blog into “an introvert's Journey to Life”, lol.
So let's keep peeling the layers.
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