Days 159-160: Infant development & uncertainty over lost memories

27-28022013

WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS

I have begun to prepare myself for my entrance exams before the actual material is published by studying developmental psychology, among other subjects. For the past few days I've been reading about the development of an infant at it's prenatal stage and during the first 15 months after birth. I have found interesting new perspectives into my self-reflection as I have realized how far in my past – how early in my childhood – who I am now has been established.

In the book I'm reading there was an explanation about “interaction patterns” (I'm loosely translating from finnish) which an infant builds according to his relationship towards his primary caregiver – the one the child imprints on. (Funny thing is, the book mentions “imprinting” as something animals do, but that the same pattern with humans is referred to as “ developing attachment” - why call it something different when in essence it's exactly the same, if not a bit more complex?) These interaction patterns are divided into three main groups based on how the caregiver responds to the child and what the consequences of this interaction have been shown to be.

The first group were the children who developed a sense of safety and certainty as the caregiver was able to respond fast and correctly to the needs the child expressed. The child here learns that he does not have to worry about his basic needs being fulfilled and thus has the fundamentals of life in such order that he can explore the world bravely.

Then there are two groups of children who did not develop a sense of safety: avoiding and conflicting. The avoiding child has learned that when/as he expresses a negative feeling (of hunger, cold, fear, etc.) the caregiver will respond in a negative way. So the child learns to avoid expressing his true emotions and will instead seek to express himself in such a way that will draw a positive response from his surroundings. The conflicting child has received conflicting responses to his self-expression from the caregiver – sometimes positive, sometimes negative – and the inconsistency leads to the child expressing himself as powerfully and assertively as possible to make sure he gets attention and is heard.

I recognized myself from the model of the avoiding child. I do not know how I was treated as an infant – all I know is that my memories of my early childhood are nothing but positive, even though I know there has been some rough patches – so I am not pointing a finger at my family or anyone else. I am simply realizing that my introvertedness, passiveness and social anxiety may have been installed into my mind when I have been a wee baby with very limited self-direction, and thus isn't something I could have really influenced on my part. Of course some of the patterns that remain within me today may have been such that were instilled in me when I socialized with other children, as many fears I did create in school, but there have been some things I have been unable to explain with happenings in school because they seem to have begun earlier than I can remember.

One such pattern is that since as early as I can remember I have avoided sharing my negative experiences with my parents. I never told them I was bullied – I never told them I was depressed – I did not express my envy towards my siblings – I never shared my anxieties and fears. I also never told any teacher, any of my siblings and rarely any friends, because eventually my friends became the bullies. I was thinking about this today and realized that a parent should be a stability point to a child - “the one to go to” during the child's process of growing up – and I remember as a child seeing my friends do this with their parents and wondering how they were able to do so. I could not conceive how a mother could be one's “best friend”.

This is one such pattern that has begun in my early childhood for reasons I do not remember (yet). Up until now I have been trying to pinpoint memories, relationships, people, moments, events – concrete things that I can handle – so that I could “get” my issues in order to transcend them. What I'm faced with here is that such concrete points may simply not be found, as the whole issue of how I became who I am now is so complex it is not possible to point at a single thing and say: “This is the cause! Found it!” Despite the fact that I am unable to see the reasons in their full detail, what is here is still inescapably HERE, and I am going to have to move and change that which is HERE, because I see and realize who/how I am now and that it is simply unacceptable. So I am now faced with the fact that what matters in the end is what I actually do in practice, because the past is extensive and one can waste a lifetime rummaging around the corners of one's mind without ever actually physically moving oneself to do something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for memories, relationships, people, moments and events in my past that would provide a comprehendible reason for who I have become as I have wanted to have the security of knowing why I am like this as I could not simply face myself for who I am and carry my responsibility to direct myself without a solid reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require an explanation before moving myself, the need to move not enough of a motivator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving without knowing how I have become who I am now as I have feared I will somehow “mess myself up” if I act without full understanding of every detail of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way as I move, and to justify not moving based on this distrust in self (“but I will break something”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to analyze my mind for the sake of analyzing with no commitment to actual practical change.

I commit myself to bring the analysis I do as I walk my process into practical living here in the physical as commitments that will assist and support me to actually change in motion.

I commit myself to embrace uncertainty.

I commit myself to realize the extensiveness of the shitload I carry at my back as past experiences, patterns, habits, agreements, arrangements, characters, personalities, beliefs and imagination – and that to comprehend all of it is not something to be done in a matter of months but a matter of years, decades and a lifetime of learning.

I commit myself to face one point at a time in calmness and stability within the realization that “the big picture” will build up as all these points accumulate.

Day 158: Backchat through loss of focus

26022013

In the morning while I was walking to work I decided to apply self-forgiveness out loud on every point I faced as I was walking. This was a good little exercise and showed me just how much stuff I accept and allow to go unnoticed, as I found myself forgiving myself every five steps or so, lol. But I realized something new: a lot of the things I faced and forgave during that ten-minute walk were backchat - me having a thought and then replying to the thought as I believe the thought to be true.

I noticed this throughout my day. Every time I went spinning into my mind and went off-balance it was the consequence of me believing the initial thought and validating it with a reply. This often leads to arguments within my mind, where I bicker about irrelevant stuff with myself. Insane!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat in my mind by believing a thought and replying to it as a thought of spoken words within my mind and/or as an experiential thought I feel within my physical being as resonance/energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I believe the initial thought in the first place is because I am not HERE stable within and as myself directing every breath, as the thought occurs in a moment where I am not aware of myself and respond in auto-pilot as the patterns I have used all of my life thus far by replying to the thought and often arguing with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with myself about whatever I was thinking of, here creating unnecessary inner conflict and consuming energy in vain when I could instead stop, breathe and face the initial thought and solve the actual cause of the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this pattern of automatically arguing with oneself is also seen in how people create and handle conflict in interaction between each other – that we face each other on auto-pilot, communicate on auto-pilot, create conflict because we are on auto-pilot, deepen the conflict on auto-pilot – believing our initial thoughts as first impressions, assumptions and guesses, never bothering to actually stand as one's own directive principle and face what is actually going on within the interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others on auto-pilot as I have lost my focus from myself as breath and body, thus creating conflict and misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I validate my initial thought by responding to it and creating backchat, I am abdicating my responsibility to direct myself and giving my directive power to the thought, which will then lead me for as long as it takes for me to snap out of it – which may vary from seconds to years.

I commit myself to practice breathing to make it a fundamental part of my being – to re-program myself to be automated in deep breathing and awareness of self as body and mind – as I see, realize and understand that in order to let no point slip my full focus is required HERE.

I commit myself, when and as I respond to my thoughts and create backchat, to stop, breathe and realize I am not my thoughts and that to respond to one with more thoughts is to validate the thought and allow it to be a part of me.

Days 156-157: I want to be an actor - part 2

24-25022013

2012

This post is a continuation to:

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.

“It would be so awesome to be a pro”

The idealized image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance, validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have trained myself in the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the path I lay out before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me, when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be involved with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism, arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual world where actual work is to be done.

“I can't let my talent go to waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked with and seen at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception of others and how I compare to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition – in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could elevate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I compared myself to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones” who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur (uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the professional field from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in” perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have so much to give”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from others relied on my talents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking myself why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant / destined to be famous”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality) was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and disempowering the masses through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no actual practical purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply through self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many people as possible could see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest (elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited and utilized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it can be used for both constructing and destroying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use them for something constructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so, but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.

I commit myself to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big scale will come about when/if it is necessary.

I commit myself to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will always consider that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world would then change.

I commit myself to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I will need to be aware of my breath all the time.

I commit myself to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself about this.

I commit myself to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression, play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in myself and my own actions and processes.

I commit myself to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a mirror and to explore myself with.

I commit myself to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the society and to re-create it time and time again.

I commit myself to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and direct myself to whichever direction I choose.

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

21-23022013

2010

Every now and then these days when I act in theatre (acting here meaning the work of an actor as movement, speech, song, dance, voice, interaction, and other kinds of expressive physical and emotional things) I return to that feeling where I desire to act professionally. This usually occurs either when I am enjoying myself especially much when acting, or when I step outside of myself to observe my doings through the eyes of an outsider and see myself to be “good” at what I'm doing: fluent, certain, creative, flexible.

Now, I have made a decision to not apply for theatre schools for the time being and instead approach life and work through a profession that would concretely and directly affect the world we live in, not just inspire others to do that for me. This decision falters every time this longing to be a professional actor arises, and it means I have not made this decision from a clear starting point. It's time to go through this now as I am applying to university and all this wavering will influence my motivation and ability to study for the entrance exams.

It is commonly known and said in the theatre field that to be an actor one has to be both an exhibitionist and an egoist – in other words, everyone wanting to be actor is already both to some extent. I will begin by going through these points.

Exhibitionism - “come watch me express myself!”

This is a point I realized some time ago when I got disappointed again when some friend or a family member didn't come see a play I was acting in. I realized that whenever I ask for a person to come see me on stage I am asking them to come and see me express myself freely because I don't do that off-stage, and that therefore this is a “rare occasion” to see me express myself a certain way. This indicates both my unwillingness and disability to freely express myself in all situations in all possible ways and shows the extent to which I have defined the stage to be a “special place” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my wish to show myself as I really am in the full scope of human expression to create a “special place” where I could do that within an illusion of safety instead of just living as self-expression unconditionally no matter where I am and who I'm with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child when I limited my self-expression due to bullying to define the stage of our theatre into a “safe place” because there I was able to push through my resistances (to a certain extent*), misinterpreting this to mean I could only express myself on stage – not realizing I was the one accepting and allowing myself to push through and show myself - not “the magic” of the stage, the group, the director or the situation – because in fact I am the one who moved myself.

* There are taboos in theatre as well – ways of expressing oneself that are/were prohibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do theatre to express myself in the full scope of human expression because there are no ways to do that in “real life” that would be socially acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which is “socially acceptable” is based on a social agreement which I have not been there to create even though I have upheld it with my own actions, and that because this is an agreement I do not agree with there is in fact no agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a social agreement ceases to exist in my part when I stop participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping participation in social agreements that prohibit expressing myself in the full scope of human expression because I have been afraid of judgement, isolation and misunderstandings / conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge who I am as who I am living as at the moment as manifested in my self-expression, not realizing that the judgement of others only has effect on me when I turn it into self-judgement, which is something I have full directive power over, and that to fear my self-judgement is thus to state that I am unable to direct myself – which is not true, as I have shown myself that I am in fact able to stop, face, re-direct and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will isolate me and deny me access to life's resources if I stop my participation in the social agreements that prohibit my self-expression (and that of others) because this is a world/reality/society that functions on relationships where everyone is dependent on each other and in which, if one is left to survive by oneself, it is impossible to survive in without others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied access to life's resources (relationships, work, food, housing) because that would mean I would not survive, in other words, I would die because someone reacted to who I was and believed their reaction – not realizing that if for some reason I'd have to choose between self-compromise and death, which we all face eventually anyway, the choice would be self-expression as well – I'd die honest or live a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will misunderstand me if I choose to not participate in the social agreements that limit our self-expression and that this will lead to conflict, not realizing that in between my expression, the other's choice to misunderstand and a resulting conflict is an infinite number of moments where the situation can be faced, addressed, directed and lived into a solution.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to “handle” solving misunderstandings or conflict as I have not realized that a misunderstanding/conflict can be solved simply by clearing my starting point (how did I cause this situation?) and then approaching with straightforward communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others to come see me as I am on stage, thinking “I wish someone would see the real me”, not realizing I am abdicating my responsibility to live as the real me and instead I'm dumping the responsibility on others to go through extra effort to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is others' responsibility to dig out my “real self” when in fact only I can reveal myself, as even when another “digs me out” I am the one who accepts and allows myself to reveal myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as I have held on to the excuse/justification that if I expose myself I make myself vulnerable to attacks, not realizing that as I stand fully within and as myself uncompromised there are no attacks that could “catch me off guard” as I am fully aware of everything I live as – and that if an attack does catch me “off guard” it is a welcome reminder of a point I have not faced and should thus not be feared but embraced.

Egoism – expecting praise and attention

In theatre it's all about ME in the spotlight, ME being talented, ME shining, ME being better than anyone else. I secretly expect praise and special attention because at some point of my acting years others started to give me feedback that stated I was somehow “exceptional”, and I totally bought into this as a child/teenager wallowing in self-diminishment. Someone wants to elevate me? Bring it on!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show off myself in theatre at the expense of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “the best one” as compared to other actors, in other words, to “win” over everyone else and thus validate my self-worth, as I believed that my skill/talent and admirability are the measure of my worth and the ones watching me (in this case the audience) the measurers and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret the encouragement and feedback I received in theatre by filtering it through my fears and desires and using it to enhance my fears and desires even further as the stakes grew as I exposed myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback I received in theatre to create a self-image where I was “good at something”, believing I was dependent on that trait to receive acceptance / positive attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be “good at acting” because it would validate my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail at acting because that would destroy my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child, when I was depressed and thought I am not good enough in anything, to hold on to practicing the skills/talents that I received positive feedback / attention from (singing and acting) because in terms of “being loved” they were most rewarding.*

*Not the only reason I kept doing these as I also enjoyed the act of expression itself, but a secret one that lay underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react positively to my performance on stage because this is what has usually happened and I have built a self-image based on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive attention when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to show admiration when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive comments, remarks, notes and feedback regarding my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another gives me critique about my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take a defensive stance when another gives me constructive feedback about what was actually here, and to cover up my defensiveness by adopting the character that “receives critique well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another shows me their appreciation for what I did on stage, they are expressing their experience of what happened, which is usually loaded with emotions and feelings, and that if their feedback concerns this subjective experience of theirs it is nothing I can take credit for. [For example, if another says “I was so moved by X”, it is not a statement that the action X was in fact “moving” but that the person experienced it as such.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I receive positive/negative feedback from the audience, not realizing their feedback mostly reflects their personal experience of what they saw.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “the kind of person” who is able to take critique when in fact I have reacted, defended and pretended every time this has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and try to defend myself from critique because it poses a threat to my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take critique personally, not realizing that at least some of it is an expression of how this person experienced what he/she saw, which is nothing I can take credit for – and that if another gives me constructive feedback on what I do and how to refine my skills it is something to embrace and welcome and test out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to critique which I have perceived to have been said out of jealousy, spite and bitterness, thinking “they're saying this to bully me”, not realizing that I am reacting because I see myself to be inferior to the other and then blaming the other for my experience - “I feel bad because you are jealous/spiteful/bitter” - abdicating my responsibility over my own experience of inferiority in the setting of bullying.

I will continue with more thought dimensions in the next part.

Day 152: SF on Day 151

20022013

Let's never face each other, ok?

This post is a continuation to:
Day 151: Natural socializing & personal space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within my relationship towards another person as statuses and definitions according to which I act because I believe they need to be followed for things to “work” - in other words, to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to statuses, definitions and relationship formats that I have witnessed to “work” in terms of avoiding conflict because I am afraid of conflict and would rather live as a character/personality without conflict than live as who I am with conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within/as the “high status” personality where I am talkative, expressive and active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see another person in my environment whom I interpret to be living within/as the “low status” and use this as a trigger point to evoke my “high status” personality in order to balance out the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to become the polarity of what I find in my environment in order to “balance things out”, not realizing that as I do this I validate the energies in my environment, basically saying “it's OK for you to be like that because I can adapt”, not realizing that I am not helping AT ALL as I compromise myself and live as energy because it is the only way I have known to live at peace with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can NOT validate the energies in my environment by balancing myself within and as breath, by acting through self-honesty and by placing myself in the shoes of another to see what might be causing their experience and how I could be of actual support and not just another passive validator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without the statuses, definitions and relationship formats I have clung onto and lived according to and to thus fear living as myself as who I am in self-honesty because I have feared possible confrontations, conflict and friction that may arise when I do not live according to the situation which is set by another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another “sets the scene”, in other words, defines the situation we interact in and that I should follow this and adapt according to the mood of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself when meeting people to act a certain way based on what our relationship has been before and what my idea of the person is and quickly assess the presence of another to determine what my behavior should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to either be dominant or submissive, high status or low status, active or passive, the emperor or the beggar, based on my idea/perception of the relationship in question - not realizing that as I position myself to interact with another based on ideas, assumptions, guesses and memories of past moments I have already given up my directive power over the situation to my mind as I am not here directing each and every moment within and as breath but instead following patterns and habits to “guide” me safely through the interaction because I fear conflict as I perceive conflict to be failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe conflict to be failure because I hold onto an ideal image of friendship / human interaction where everything is nice and peaceful, no bullying, no judging, no confrontation, no questioning, fully in our comfort zones, everyone is smiling and laughing and being stable - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this ideal image as I have not realized it only serves the purpose of keeping us from growing and expanding and serving as actual support platforms for each other where honest feedback could be given and received to assist us to become better, fuller beings of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this ideal image of interaction as a positive experience because of past events where I have faced judgement and felt insecure in my friend relationships and then had complete opposite experiences with another friend with no questioning at all - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this ideal because of the illusion of “equality” where everyone equally “gets to be who they are” because they have the “right” to be “themselves” unquestioned and unchallenged because I have feared that I will face conflict and be judged again.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager to hold onto the positive experience as the “true” experience as how friendships “should be” because it felt good and the other kind of interaction felt bad – not realizing that eventually the conflict taught me a lot more about myself than the comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while walking our process as human beings conflict is unavoidable as there is always resistance to change that which is comfortable, familiar and known because it requires self-honesty and self-honesty is not pretty, easy or glorious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to keep the conversation up because I am “the active one”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to crack jokes to keep the mood light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “expected” to be relaxed so that others could feel relaxed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others expect these actions of me when in fact it is only me expecting them from myself in order to live up to the self-images, self-definitions and relationship stories I have created in my mind – in order to live “the story of my life” as I have imagined it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame these expectations on others, believing others to expect/demand certain behavior from me when in fact it is only me expecting myself to live up to a social code.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fact that this experience of “being disturbed by expectations” occurs at all indicates that these expectations exist within me as if they did not exist this experience would not arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when another is silent in my presence because I feel like it is my “duty” to live up to the character/status/definition I have set for myself in that situation and that the other might feel bad and perceive me as a failure if I do not live up to (my own!) expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this “uncomfortable feeling” is in fact me wondering whether I should act against myself or not, my self-expression as silence struggling with the demands of the personality that “has to” speak – that this discomfort is a sign of inner conflict that I should stop and look at so that the conflict could bear fruit and not turn into an inner war.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hint at my true intentions instead of voicing them directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my hints to be understood and get distressed when it seemed like they weren't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to hear the things I do not communicate directly, not realizing there is no way for anyone to hear that which is not voiced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to know the social code according to which guests are politely asked to leave with subtle hints, not realizing that there is no way one could undoubtedly understand what is being indirectly communicated without going into extensive guesswork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to guess my intentions so that I could avoid saying things I am uncomfortable saying because I fear I will insult another, and to thus abdicate my responsibility to be clear and honest in my communication and dump all responsibility over the interaction on the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable about having another person in my apartment because I wanted to do my ordinary house work and other daily tasks and believed I have to be alone when doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is “impolite” to do ordinary things when a guest is around, not realizing I here make the guest a “special person” and the moment a “special moment” of “special interaction” - when in fact all this “speciality” is an illusion and we are all just people living though every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to behave a certain way when hosting a guest in my home, not realizing that life does not stop when another person happens to be in this location at the same time with me, and that my ordinary life as ordinary tasks keeps on moving and proceeding and needing attendance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require personal space and solitude to live my every-day life, not realizing my every-day life doesn't actually change in any way whatsoever if another human being happens to be around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from doing my tasks because another person is around and I do not have my required and self-defined personal space.

I commit myself to realize that living according to statuses, definitions, characters and relationship formats is to live as self-compromise and self-limitation which in no way assists me or anyone else to be who we really are within/as self-honesty – and I commit myself to apply this realization in practice by focusing on myself within/as breath and self-honesty no matter who I am with in order to re-build myself atop a foundation of unconditional self-expression.

I commit myself to support myself and others to face and change ourselves by re-building myself through self-honesty and no longer compromising myself in my self-expression and communication.

I commit myself to embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth.

I commit myself to release myself from my self-expectations for example with social structures and agreements with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and practical application within/as consistency.

I commit myself to realize that my home, too, is just a place – not a special place where special rules apply when other people come in.

Day 151: Natural socializing & personal space

19022013

A friend was at my house assisting me with my sewing work. We had agreed to work together to speed things up, and it was really nice to have some help as my work load is too big for one person to handle in a humane way. I noticed some thoughts that arose while she was here.

In our relationship I do most of the talking, and I have sometimes felt as if I'm “expected” to keep the conversation up. She is present in the conversation and responds to what I say, but with few words and gestures and doesn't initiate conversations that often. I sometimes I find this uncomfortable even though she doesn't make a deal of it. Today silence fell every now and then while we were both working on our own tasks, and at first I got this uneasy feeling, as if the silence was somehow “bad” and that it was on my responsibility to “fix” it – but then I realized that it is ok, we are here to work, and that's what we're doing, and I can and will speak when it feels natural to me, but right now I would rather focus on the work. From then on I was able to enjoy our silent consensus and appreciate this way of spending time together – it's starting to be my favourite way, lol, because socializing for the sake of socializing is “special time” spent with “special people” whereas while working one is focusing on what is actually essential – the movement we create together, not the stagnation we accept and allow each other to drown in. Besides, working in a group is way more enjoyable, effective and constructive than being a solitary warrior.

Another thing I noticed was when it was already getting late and I was getting anxious about not having had time to write yet today. I said something along the lines of “whoa, it's getting late” and “I should start doing some other stuff” without directly saying that I think she should leave soon. I wondered around the flat for a while gathering stuff and she kept on working (because she wanted to finish what she was doing, but this I didn't realize at the moment) and I started to get anxious about her “not getting the hint”. I then asked myself why I wanted her to leave – are the tasks left for today such where she couldn't silently sit on my couch and sew? I then realized I am stressing over nothing as I was reacting to another “invading” my personal space as I believed I need to be alone to i.e. write and relax. Once I'd realized this I kept on with my tasks with her as a part of my environment whom I can trust to be able to communicate and move and express herself when necessary – in other words, I moved myself as if I was home alone. This worked out well.

The latter point is a result of me living alone for a long time, but not only that: as a teenager I was very strict about my personal space and got furious when it was “invaded”. This is a point I want to face more in my practical living by spending ordinary every-day time with people without making socializing a “special occasion”.

Will continue tomorrow with self-forgiveness on this.

Day 150: Shopping for food and fantasies

18022013

It is actually quite fascinating to google "food".

I did something unusual today. I was out in the centre of the town taking care of some errands. I had had a strange feeling when going to town, because I had been unsure about whether I will do it now or later – I had not precisely planned my actions – and when I chose to go when leaving from work I had this feeling of “freedom” because I was free to go wherever I wanted because I had nothing planned especially. When I was taking care of my stuff and walking around the city without hurry, a feeling kept accumulating within me: I wanted to go shopping. This was a bit strange for me because I rarely get this “shopping-feeling”, and so I kind of watched myself and my thoughts and feelings and laughed at myself for having this silly desire. Finally I “gave in” to myself and told myself “alright, go shopping then”, to which I replied with a gleeful “oh yay! I get to go to this place and that place and...” lol, and this is where I realized there's a whole bunch of suppressed stuff here, as not shopping has been a part of my self-image for a long time and I associate a lot of shame and guilt with the air-headedness of shopping for useless stuff – and not just that, I feel guilty for buying new useful things as well unless they're something I desperately need (like new shoes when my old ones are too broken to function anymore). When I gave myself permission to participate in my guilty pleasure it was like a dam breaking.

So what I did was that I went to a couple of clothing stores, but I saw the uselessness pretty soon as I didn't really need any clothes, I found nothing useful, everything was too expensive, I knew I couldn't afford anything etc. So the excitement wore off as fast as it exploded. What I did next was interesting, and it's what got me writing about this in the first place: I went to a food store. This is the biggest and fanciest grocery store in the whole town that has a selection of the highest quality of food, from bread to cheese, tea, honey, vegetables, pasta, meat, sweets and a big selection of fresh food and bakery.

To shed light on my background, in my “previous life” some years ago I defined myself as a “food-lover”, this meaning that I spent a considerable amount of money on high-quality food and ate in restaurants regularly. I get a kick out of good food, where I just go into complete euphoria out of the experience of taste, smell and texture. Now, this is something that people are actually taught in some mindfulness-classes, I've heard, to slow down when eating to actually taste your food. The slowing down in itself has been really helpful for me because even when I eat low-quality food I am able to be here in the moment of eating as I nurture my body and appreciate the fact that I have food at all. The downside of this is that one easily slips into the polarity of glorifying the food you eat.

So I was again watching myself as I went to the food store – it was an intentional experiment for me. I had thoughts such as “whoa, that bread looks so good”, “oh my god this cheese smells awesome”, “there are so many different salads”, “how can there exist such a fruit as this”, “how can there be so many different kinds of biscuits”, “oh my god look at these desserts” and so forth – to put it simply, I went into an experience of “being overwhelmed” by the excessive selection of high-quality food available to me. I was reveling in the luxury as a “special” experience, because I have for a long time been living with my cheap, mundane cookings and not been able to afford the high-quality food – and I still don't.

Good quality food in itself isn't a crime, because it is actually a really good thing that we have mastered the art of food, because that means better nutrition for all – except that it isn't for all. Even for me as a citizen of one of the most well-off countries in the world this stuff is too expensive to afford every day, or every week, or every month. What a difference it would make in the lives of people if the cheap shit we eat could be replaced with good-quality ingredients instead! This is a problem in the world system itself, because at the moment there has to be a selection of different quality stuff because of preferences (the era of individualism) and class division: everyone has to afford some kind of food, and thus as poverty is too much of a challenge to tackle, cheaper food is then produced so that the poor would survive. This is not a solution as we are just treating the symptoms of the actual cause.

So what I realized was that I get an energetic high out of good food. It occurs when I know the food I'm eating to be “special” in some way – exclusive, made with effort and care, rare, expensive, or simply something I don't have a chance to eat very often. I also get a kick out of the wide selection of food, as I plunge into the overwhelmingness of “all the choices I have”, wanting to have everything there is around me, completely disregarding the fact that it's not possible for me to have all of the shop's selection. And this point, I guess, is what keeps the food-lovers' culture of dining elitism blooming – this food-high is not questioned – and it is seen justified that one has “the right” to explore all kinds of special foods and ingredients even though the majority of the rest of the world lives in malnutrition. People who grow in this environment cannot imagine having to live without food. “What do you mean, 'do you really need all that'? Of course I do!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire good-quality food and feel guilty about it because I cannot afford it and I know I'll survive just fine with lower quality food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the experience of eating good food, where I anticipate the good food, expecting it to taste good, and accumulate the positive charge until I finally get the food in my mouth and explode with enjoyment and euphoria because of the taste, smell and texture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I do this I actually create the positive experience in my mind as I glorify the taste, smell and texture of the food through thoughts, images, expectations and feelings instead of being HERE with the food without the additional mind-reality on top of it and enjoying it simply for what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the taste of food by thinking “this tastes so good”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the smell of food by thinking “this smells so good”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the texture of food by thinking “this feels so good”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I think in words in my mind what an experience is like, I am not actually here fully within the experience but in my mind thinking about what the experience is like – and that I am thus only experiencing a likeness of the experience, like eating a 2D picture of a food and imagining what it tastes like instead of actually tasting the food that is here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a special relationship towards good food where I state that I “love” good food and accept and allow myself to enjoy food and feel relaxed and comfortable only when eating good food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate food into “good food” and “bad food”, not realizing that despite some difference in quality it's all still food and will keep me alive, more or less, and that in many cases the difference is completely imaginary and/or irrelevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed about the selection of food around me, not seeing the reality of things (a certain amount and variety of food around me) but the mind-reality I paint on top of the actual reality (“oh my god so much food!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revel in the experience of being overwhelmed because it was a positive experience and I perceived myself to have access to all the things around me (where I momentarily forgot I can't actually afford everything I'd want to have).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the food items around me and imagine their taste, smell and texture, cross-referencing in my mind with all experiences of similar foods I have eaten, creating an expectation of what the food will taste like based on my previous experiences and then create a desire to have that food. (For example, I did this with bread: I saw a good-looking, freshly baked bread, and I imagined its texture so vividly that I wanted to have the bread with the crisp crust and the soft inner parts and the pieces of nuts and all the oh my god *drool* – luckily I snapped out of this as I didn't really need the bread, lol.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the freshly baked sweets and try to come up with an excuse to buy them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to come up with excuses to buy the food I desire so that I could fulfill this desire, not considering my actual needs and the reality of my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as my experience of being overwhelmed wore off, to go into the other extreme and resent all the food around me because of the injustice of the world situation of poverty and famine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the large food selection around me and think it is “too much” and “excessive”, judging the people who can afford to buy their daily food in shops like this as “ignorant”.

--

I ended up buying some good food from the shop, which were mainly things I actually needed, but also a little bit of extra. I'm now facing an interesting moment where I am not hungry as I have eaten lunch not too long ago, but because of the new exciting food in my kitchen I feel impatient to get to eat the food already – it's like being a kid who has gotten new toys as christmas presents and wants to play with them all the time – it's the exact same kind of energy. “Oh wow I have all this new food that I want to eat!” “Oh wow I have all these new toys I want to play with!” Lol, this is fascinating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship to food where I perceive food to be entertainment because of the positive energy kicks I get out of eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ward off boredom, anxiety and stress with food as I have done with entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see food primarily as nutrition that supports my body and assists me in my daily living, but instead see food as entertainment the purpose of which is to make me feel good, relaxed, joyful and euphoric.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not eat “special” food* without this experience of an energetic high which I induce in my mind with images, thoughts, imagined sensations and expectations. (*”special” here meaning things that I don't usually get to or have a permission to eat, such as sweets or high-quality food).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not eat “special” food simply as food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know whether the food I eat is of high or low quality so that I'll know what to expect from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of “high quality food”, not questioning whether it is in fact accurate or not. [A point to investigate.]

--

Apart from the food issue, I will walk through the experience that led me to walk into the shop today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an experience/feeling of “freedom” where I felt like I had no burden on me, no stress, no one expecting me, no schedule to meet, no expectations – just me free to do as I please – not realizing that this was the polarity experience of the stress and exhaustion I went through yesterday as I tried to compensate for it with a “leisure day”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I still have deadlines to meet, people to see and tasks to take care of even if I would be able to cancel them for today, because I would have to face them again tomorrow, and that the experience of “freedom” is thus an illusion I treat myself to to “have a break”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I postpone my tasks, they will come back more urgent later on, which will only lessen my chances to get them done properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my secret desire to go shopping, where I indulge in the overwhelmingness of all the pretty/nice/colourful/tasty/fun things that I could buy (if I had money).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress who I am right now as someone wanting to go shopping because I am ashamed of my desire to go shopping, not realizing that suppressing is to not face myself and that I will not change myself if I do not face the points I wish to change.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within/as a self-image that does not approve shopping and opposes it, not realizing that as I oppose something I'm actually seeing it within me but not wanting to deal with it as I am afraid of it and thus rather suppress it under disapproval.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that disapproval is a way to state “I am less than that which I oppose” as one sees oneself as powerless to direct that point within oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in the act of shopping where I get enjoyment simply out of looking at and touching items that are for sale as I imagine what they would look/feel/taste like if they were mine and what kind of an image I would present of myself with a certain item.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with all the material stuff that there is available by going to shops to look at and touch them, not realizing that a lot of this stuff is actually produced just to serve as entertainment and not as anything practical. (I'm thinking of a shelf-full of colourful canvas shoes I saw today which have absolutely no practical purpose during the nordic winter, and which were also so cheap that I doubt they have been made to last for more than a few months.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of “going shopping” is initially a role-play where one imagines oneself with different items and how one would be with them, swapping new mental images onto oneself as if one was trying on clothes – trying on new self-images and wondering which one would “fit” and please one's ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about “a new me” as new self-images as I have been indulging in the experience of shopping, wandering amongst the items that serve as building-blocks in my character building process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “free” when going shopping because I relate going shopping with the memories of the shopping trips I did as a teenager with my friends, as during these trips I felt independent, mature, free, relaxed and excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate freedom with shopping, believing the possibility to buy “anything” from “any” shop I wanted to be freedom of expression, not realizing that I couldn't be more far from freedom as the whole age of individuality through consumerism has been programmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the selection that shops offer and the selection of shops that towns offer is purposefully “overwhelming” as it creates the illusion of diversity which is essential in the construct of individualistic consumerism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the selection of items that shops offer is diverse and serves everyone's needs, not realizing that what we see in shops is dictated by personality formats created by the advertisement companies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose my own comfortable personality format to which there were nice and comfortable products offered in the shops, believing myself to be making free choices and be my own individual personality, not realizing that I have actually little say in what I purchase as the selection is dictated from the “above”.

I commit myself to investigate and question my perception of “good-quality food”.

I commit myself when and as I am eating to stop to taste the food I am eating and actually be HERE as an entire body that is taking in food to digest and turn into nutrition – and to assist myself with this, I commit myself to reserve eating time for eating alone and not focus on other activities while eating, such as reading, writing or watching videos.

I commit myself to slow myself down when eating food by focusing on my breath and my body as a whole so that it will be easier for me to spot the moments when I fall into my mind to glorify the food I eat.

I commit myself to consider my actual needs when buying food, even if this means I have to stop with every product I desire and spend more time in the grocery store.

When and as I go into the feeling/experience of “freedom”, I commit myself to ask myself what I am freeing myself from and to stop, breathe and answer myself within/as self-honesty. This question will assist me in seeing the point I am trying to escape.

When and as I get the urge to go shopping, I stop, I breathe and I realize that the experience I'm after is an illusion of freedom where I accept and allow myself to participate in extensive imagination play, ignorance and self-interest. I realize that the experience of shopping is based on participating in positive energy, which I channel through my memories of happy shopping trips, and on allowing myself to be directed by my desires. I stop and assess whether I actually have a need to buy something, and I carry on with my day according to my assessment. If I do not need to buy anything, I will not go wonder around shops but will instead direct myself to go elsewhere and do something else. If resistance occurs, I will further investigate the point.

I commit myself to investigate my memories of shopping and the positive feelings I associate with buying things in order to resolve the fuck-up we have become as a consumerist society and carry my responsibility over our creation.

PS. Yay for Day 150!

Day 149: Fear of voicing my opinion

17022013

Hear me express myself! BLEUAAARGHLLJKJ!

There is an emotional reaction that keeps reoccurring. I've avoided conversations in Facebook for some while because I kept getting aggressive responses and didn't know how to deal with them because I took them very personally. Also, I wasn't able to discern actual aggression from my interpretation of aggression - in other words, I wasn't sure whether someone was actually flaming me or if I was just seeing it that way.

So I've been posting stuff and then just let people discuss underneath my posts without taking part myself, mostly. It has been safe (I realize I have been hiding) and I have learned a lot simply by reading the discussions. But I have been very hesitant to bring out any opinions of my own because I fear they will be attacked, and I have only "defended" or explained my views when someone has directly questioned them.

So yesterday I was reading through yet another discussion underneath a link I posted, and there was a sentence by another that was so biased that I realized I have to say something - that if I let this one slip I will be dishonest with myself and passively allow thoughts like that to exist. I let it brew for a couple of hours because I didn't have time to reply at the time I read the discussion. By the time I got to typing the reply (which I had somewhat formed in my mind already, so I just had to type it down) I got this huge shot of adrenalin in my body - absolute terror about what I was going to say, because I was going to be stern and unapologizing about it. I was sweating a bit and my hands were trembling. Now that I think of it, the reaction in my body was quite alarming. I stopped then for a while to notice this reaction and I had a couple of breaths, but I continued with the typing without fully balancing myself. So I posted the comment, it was what I wanted it to be, and I still stand behind my words.

Yet I now notice myself in the same fearful stance I go into when I voice myself. Occasionally I will remember the comment I posted and anticipate possible responses to it. I fear I will again be flamed for what I said, even though when I look at it I don't know what anyone could say to undermine my point - unless they insult me personally, which is something I cannot yet handle. And so when I logged into Facebook this morning I again remembered what I had written - and I anticipated going through my notifications because I feared what I would find.

Now, I see this is not OK. Being overconfident is not cool either, because then one gets arrogant and believes one's views to be the one and only point of view, but this, no, this is not cool. I cannot voice myself without being terrified. I reveal myself and then immediately go into defense and expect punches - so am I really even revealing myself, or am I speaking from within my defensive pose? And this somehow seems so ridiculous because I'm an actor - I reveal myself on stage for a lot of people all the time! - but again, the stage is a safe zone where I am immune to punches, or at least it is considered rude to throw punches at performing artists, lol, and instead they're slurred behind their backs. So I'm either faking safety on stage or assuming danger off stage. Where is the real stability here - the stability point that is me - the one who realizes that anywhere I go I am always constant and here and that in revealing myself, exposing myself, showing all of myself I am actually immune to attacks and not the most vulnerable?

--

I read another post by Lindsay about hesitation (awesome to have people to cross-reference with!) and I realized that this issue is about unwillingness to stand as who I am – because as I fear speaking out I am not standing fully as myself; I am standing as self-doubt. A quote I found helpful from the post mentioned above:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and throughout my life, hesitate in making a decision of who I am, who I will be as a living statement that cannot be changed as it is so in every way, to the very core, in fact – as I see that I did not make this decision because I hesitated in fear of being ridiculed, banished, ostracized or surprisingly enough, accepted; which brings in another dimension of responsibility in making a decision of who I am and holding myself accountable to remain stable and directive in who I am in each moment, no matter what, to not falter due to hesitation, as I now realize that hesitation has not room in a being who is who they are to the very core, in fact.”

--

SF from my DIP Lite assignement on the subject:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from taking care of my tasks in facebook (communicating with people, arranging meetings, PR, studies) because as I log into facebook i also have to face a possible response to a comment I was afraid to post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as myself fully and to the core when I posted the comment and instead say what I had to say from a defensive stance where I already expect to be attacked because of what I say, not realizing that as I say things from the starting point of expecting attacks I am writing as provocation as I make myself smaller than I am and easier to attack/put down - I make myself an easy target.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am the target of the hostility of others when in fact it is me who causes within me the painful experience of being attacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not carry responsibility for my experience and instead blame it on others by claiming them to be "hostile" and "aggressive".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voicing my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voicing my opinion because I have learned that when I do this I get attacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being attacked because I then "get hurt".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I create the experience of "being attacked" and "getting hurt" as I take the words of others personally by believing what they say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others perceive me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not get to know myself in self-intimacy to see who I really am and who I choose to be in each and every moment and thus believe that I am what others perceive me to be as I have been unable to see myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing who I am in this moment is "irreversible" in terms of making a mistake that cannot be mended - which is true in a sense as I can never return to a past moment and change who I was then - but here I do not realize that I am in fact able to change who I am now and direct myself and carry responsibility for myself so that the consequences of my past choices can be mended, fixed and directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a stand, I state that "this is who I will be forever" because I believe that people judge others and create images and formats of others into their minds based on singular experiences instead of actually seeing who the other person is as a whole and then act based on these initial impressions of others "forever" as these impressions are hard to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is hard to change another's first impression of me because of experiences in the past where I have been judged through assumptions that have been based on who I was years before. [note to self: memory of a friend judging me for idolizing another]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the fact that living as different than the first impression another has had of me will be enough to change their perception of me - and that this is all I can do as they have to carry responsibility for their own acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as another makes a remark of me, to ask myself "what if I am wrong and he/she is right?", fearing that I have "failed" and "made a mistake".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe "being wrong" to mean I have "failed"/"made a mistake".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give high value to "right opinion" as opposed to "wrong opinion" in terms of which one is more "true" than the other - not realizing that thinking in terms of "right" and "wrong" only promotes competition and serves the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be "right" / fear being "wrong".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" opinion - there is only the reality as that which is actually HERE, as that which actually happened, and that as opposed to this reality there is no "wrong opinion" - only denial of what is HERE - only separation from HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which is HERE as the reality by believing there to be "right" and "wrong" and believing myself to be able to be "right" and "wrong" - not realizing that as I think in polarities I am not HERE as the mid-point in between the extremes which is neither here not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discussion because I perceive it to be based on competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that discussion is about the exchange of views, information, experiences and wisdom, and that I am able to carry my responsibility over discussion by not seeing it as competition myself, by being humble yet steadfast, and by seeing that we all have a common goal of making the best of life and that the first step to getting there is by learning to communicate without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I contribute to making discussion the best it can be by not being afraid of discussion and participating in it through fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear those I discuss with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that those I discuss with are human beings one with and equal to me.

--

I will continue walking this point.